New guy in the office getting on my nerves

[user1471867483]

This married guy started in our office about 4-5 weeks ago. I've been in my role 8 years. Last week he bought me a Kit Kit - nice, OK.

I'm a very private person and never bring in my personal life into work. Now, he's asking my coworker where I live, the exact house and if I have a partner. My sensible coworker told him she doesn't know about my personal life and go ask me himself. He also wanted to know why I didn't say bye when I left for the evening. Our office is busy with 8-9 of us at any given time, so my 'byes' might get lost in the noise and busyness of the office. Plus, I have to rush for my train.
Best way of dealing with him? I don't owe him or anyone any explanation about my life or my ways/actions.

He sounds fucking odd. Why the fuck would he want to know the exact house you live in!?

I agree and can imagine.

Is he fishing for information about other colleagues or just you?

Some of the responses on this thread are completely batshit and unnecessarily unpleasant...

OP, I would be extremely annoyed and concerned if a man was trying to find out exactly where I lived and with whom.

It would be normal when you get to know your colleague l to ask people if they live in London or suburbs when discussing commutes for example but totally bizarre to try to find out their exact address or whether they have a partner.

This is not normal banter or getting to know your colleagues. That's just inappropriate.

In fact I would report this to HR if that was done to me.

I know vaguely what part of the country my colleagues live in and only know some equally vague details of their personal life because they actively choose to mention their kids and partners sometimes.

As far as I know just me. There is one lady aged 75 (part time) and she never says hello when she comes in (that's just her), but he doesn't kick off because she doesn't say 'good morning'.
I've never experienced anything like it in all my working life.

There is no need to be tolerant or kind to this man. And I'm the most tolerant/quiet/say nothing and get on with it person around. This is just weird and completely inappropriate of him and he needs to stop it. The strangest part about it is that HE is the new employee. I could maybe understand it if you were new and he'd been there a while and had the confidence (arrogance) to make a fuss of you or try to flirt with you, but you would think a new starter would keep his head down and try to get on with his work and make a good impression. This is completely out of order and you are well within your rights to make a complaint. Wanting to know where you live??? That is mental.

I'm in complete agreement. Worse still, he's married! I think if anything else is mentioned, then I'll have to take it higher. I'm very shy, but I won't let this go.

There is always one. And you are it

@Janetime

Agree, you’re coming across really bitchy and unwelcoming. He’s just being friendly and interested in people. Have a word with yourself

There is nothing friendly about prying about where someone lives and wanting details about exactly which house. If you think this is normal you need to have a word with yourself.

I would make it my business to down tools, and walk around to every one in your team and say "Good Morning" to every single one of them. Shake their hands too if you felt up to it.
Then before you're due to leave of an evening, repeat and go around to every single one of your team individually and say "I'm off now. Bye" and "Just wanted to let you know I'm heading now, Bye". Preferably if you can down tools about 15 minutes before you are actually due to leave, do this.

When you're asked why you do it rather than dash out the door, say that "New Boy wasn't hearing me when I was leaving doing it my normal way so I just wanted everyone to feel included. I'm quite happy to leave and shout "Bye" to the room or leave quietly but that doesn't appear to work for New Boy".

Your manager will tell you to stop doing it because it's disruptive to everyone else in the team and you're going to be wasting 15 mins of your and their time doing it. That adds up.

Then I'd deal with the unwanted attention separately.

What? He is asking for her exact address and whether she has a partner.

He sounds weird - why does he try and force her to be friendlier to him than her colleagues with a special individual goodbye just for him?

OP is under no obligation to be friendly to any random male who comes along.

The best policy is civil distance.

If time proves him to be safe that policy can be revised.

For now I’m guessing that OP’s gut instinct is warning her off him.

Best to listen and err on the side of caution.

You’d come across like a right dick in the process. 😂

Thanks for the tip.

Fishing to find out where you live, the EXACT house, any partner on the scene? Does he strike you as an immature twit or a straightforward Mister Creepy?

If he's garnering info about your out-of-office life (especially where you live) then be prepared to look out the window and see his car parked outside your house one fine day.

I think a discreet word with your line manager about this nosey parker is in order.

Even if he isn’t a stalker, he’s overstepping work boundaries. It’s highly inappropriate to ask someone where a colleague works, down to the exact house, and whether she has a partner. It isn’t normal to ask why someone didn’t say goodbye before leaving. This is the workplace, not his home and you’re not his family.
Unsurprisingly, as always on threads like this the OP is getting a bunch of “he’s just being friendly” and getting called bitchy 🙄 because some people just can’t distinguish between “friendly” - “how was your weekend, did you go out in the nice weather?” and intrusive and weird “where does Jane live? Which exact house? Does she have a partner?”

It's more weird asking why she didn't say goodbye to him!!

@Janetime - would that be less of a dick than New Boy, about the same or more of a dick than New Boy?

He's being completely unprofessional himself. What a start! He has been there less than five weeks and he wants to know sensitive personal information about others. Why?

Personally I would be watching him like a fucking hawk around me and any female members of staff, particularly those who are more vulnerable or young. And trying to find out discreetly whether he has a record of creepy or inappropriate behaviour with previous employers.

I'd be raising this with your manager, I have had my share of creepy men experiences and it is not the kind of behaviour that is appropriate for the workplace.

Your manager needs to make sure you feel comfortable and that he isn't crossing professional boundaries and he is.

If your manager doesn't help, I'd then be looking at reporting to the police because that is stalker behaviour.

The kitkat, wanting to know why you didn't say goodbye, etc, are not such a big deal, but wanting to know where you live – no, that's a red flag. If things escalate, tell your manager about that. Would the colleague he asked back you up? Could you rely on her to confirm that he asked her where you live?

Yes, because she confirmed it in front of him and he didn't deny it. I haven't said anything more about it to them except what I said to him earlier about the microphone.
Weird.

But would she confirm it in front of your manager? If this guy really does become obsessive and threatening, and you want to escalate things, your colleague might refuse to get involved. Often, people don't want to know.

That's completely unacceptable behaviour from him - no-one should be asking for a colleague's address other than HR or your manager for your file. I would definitely raise this with your manager.

Saying morning and goodbye to the room is nice to do, so I get where he's coming from on that - unless he's expecting a person greeting and farewell?

True. She loves to stir the pot at times. She thrives on office drama so yes, it's difficult to know who to trust, but then I don't trust anyone anyway and never have done.

Start keeping a record of anything that feels weird, with dates. You may never need it. Hopefully that will be the case.

I think you need to continue to be relatively cold with him.