New guy in the office getting on my nerves

[user1471867483]

This married guy started in our office about 4-5 weeks ago. I've been in my role 8 years. Last week he bought me a Kit Kit - nice, OK.

I'm a very private person and never bring in my personal life into work. Now, he's asking my coworker where I live, the exact house and if I have a partner. My sensible coworker told him she doesn't know about my personal life and go ask me himself. He also wanted to know why I didn't say bye when I left for the evening. Our office is busy with 8-9 of us at any given time, so my 'byes' might get lost in the noise and busyness of the office. Plus, I have to rush for my train.
Best way of dealing with him? I don't owe him or anyone any explanation about my life or my ways/actions.

. He also wanted to know why I didn't say bye when I left for the evening

^

Do you think he would when said this to a man?

You need to be assertive op and say, perhaps you're deaf? Be a bit rude, otherwise as you've seen, give him an inch and he'll take a mile

You should speak to HR and tell them that his behaviour towards you, directly and indirectly, has caused you alarm. It's not acceptable for a man to ask colleagues for sensitive personal information about another's home address and relationship status. They should take it seriously.

Thank you very much. I'll do just that. Good idea! 😦

He's being a creepy pain in the neck. I'd be livid if a man attempted to get my address out of a co-worker.
Its none of his business where you live and I'd consider letting my manager know this. You don't know anything about him, I'd find someone trying to find out where exactly I live a red flag and I'd be concerned for my safety.

Oh god this has echoes of a man I used to work with. We weren't in the same department. Luckily I was good friends with his colleagues in his team and they told me how much he was asking about me, my marital status, how much I earned, whether I had kids, where I lived etc.

I had to spend one day a week in his department (Im a lawyer so had to support various teams) and one day he slipped a four pack of beer into my bag while I was in the toilet. It was weird and creepy as fuck.

Edited - I don't even drink beer! I think he was just trying to get me drunk which didn't work ha

Wow, that's bad 😱.

I would have thought he was trying to get you in trouble rather than drunk!

Sorry I didn't give any advice! Stay away from this man and if you feel the need to escalate then do

It was a beer company and the cans were one of our products, so there were generally spares around. Definitely just trying to get me pissed. It was the putting in my handbag that made it weird!

Yes, excellent advice – record everything. Record the date, then what he said or did, the precise time of day at which he said or did it, etc. Then if your manager is useless, or accuses you of exaggerating, or just doesn't want the hassle, you can take it further – or even sue. It's not acceptable. It really isn't. I'm fucking sick of men like this ruining women's lives. OK, fine, flirt, or even ask someone out, but when they've made it clear they're not interested, stop. No discussion. Just stop.

I agree you should keep a log of everything op.
(I think I would be tempted to carry a notebook and pencil, every time he speaks say nothing but get out the notebook and start writing)

He is definitely over stepping by asking for detail on where you live. Ignore the folk on here who think he is just being "friendly". He sounds odd and I would be wary. Watch your back OP.

Sorry, this guy makes my skin crawl.

Not normal behaviour. Not professional behaviour.

Has he given everyone in the office a Kit Kat, tried to find out where they live and whether or not they have a partner? Has he asked other people in the office why they didn't say 'Bye' to him at the end of the day?

No, I don't think so.

You're already gossiping about him with your colleagues and you're thinking he fancies you.
I must be reading a different OP,
he sounds quite intrusive and I'd be uncomfortable with it

Is he just another colleague at the same level, or is he senior to you, OP?

If I found out my husband was buying women bars of chocolate and trying to find out exactly where they lived, I would hope someone would remind him he’s a married man.

OP, it’s definitely weird behaviour.

Keep a log of it all and prepare to escalate it to HR if necessary. Your boss/colleague - the one who thrives on gossip, you should be able to go above them to HR. I've had a boss before who thrived on gossip and actually encouraged it (tiny office), yet when shit got real (I was bullied by 2 co-workers there) he didn't like it one little bit, but was not in my favour nor supportive of me at all (no HR dept) as he was friends with these 2 co-workers outside work.

The last thing you want is a stalker (I've had one of those too, at work!) but these days (this was back in the olden days) you should be able to complain to HR.

If he buys you things like Kit Kats or asks where you live or if you have a partner, you are entitled not to tell him anything, nor not to accept his gift. Men like this thrive on women being nice and not saying 'no'. As you're very shy and private this is even more of an inroad for him to encroach on you.

Watch out if he emails you or IM's/Teams messages you, about anything inappropriate (hopefully he won't be as stupid as to do this) and if so, screenshot it and report it. If he does follow you when out of the building be careful and make a note of what he's doing too.

Doesn't matter either way, he's behaving in an inappropriate manner at work towards her.

Go and tell HR.

Do this before his probationary period is up.

If someone complained I hadn't said goodbye one evening I'd just say "you'll live". Who has time for this?! Don't grace it with a response.

You've said you're quite shy and he sounds the type to have picked up on this and enjoy needling you and generally being inappropriate. Try not to feed the bear and complain to a manager every time.

“Whereabouts do you live, Janet? Oh, Fulham - nice part of town” - friendly and interested.

”Jill, you know Jane said she lived in Fulham? Is it more the Earls Court end or towards Chelsea? Well, how far from the tube station? Which road? And does she live there alone?” - creepy and overstepping.

”There are some KitKats on my desk - help yourselves if you fancy one” - friendly.

”Jane! Jane! Look - I bought you a KitKat! Don’t tell anyone else; I didn’t buy one for them. Just you. You’re special” - creepy.

”Oh, has Jane gone for the night? I didn’t hear her say” - general comment/chit-chat. Normal.

”Jill? Jane left without saying goodbye. That’s twice now. Whyyyy? What have I done to upset her?” - weird and OTT.

I would record and document to hr. He's got some nerve acting like this when he's just started. Imagine what he'll be like when he hear his feet under the table. He's probably used to getting away with being a creepy bastard.

I would definitely do this.

If necessary make up a small white lie about you or a friend having been stalked before (it happens more often than you'd think) and say you're concerned, with his questions, that this might happen, as you find it inappropriate.

Also tell them you are very shy and are finding it hard to speak up for yourself. Nothing wrong with saying this, he is way overstepping here.

Years ago when I worked for an architects we had a new married male architect start, at a medium high level. He flirted with all the women but one in particular whose desk he had to pass on the way to his own desk, he used to make comments about, e.g. "your hair looks wet/damp today H, haven't you long been out of the shower?" coupled with a sleazy look and even a wink. She didn't like this at all and used to comment to us how she didn't like it, but didn't know what to say apart from laugh it off or say nothing. She wasn't shy either, far from it.

Deliberately leading comments but erring on the creepy side. We had no HR or very loose HR, so it was up to his boss or the Senior Partner to decide to say something, I think in the end someone did, as his inappropriate comments stopped.

I'm surprised how divisive this is, here of all places. I agree about raising with your manager and HR@user1471867483 If you're self conscious about that, pass it off as "I'm just concerned where it might go, and want it recorded as a concern". There's also the scenario where he keeps moving on to other people, so your concerns back up other people's complaints.

Please don't tolerate this, you shouldn't have to do that