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Original poster

AIBU to just quit my job?

95 replies

JimBro · 24/01/2024 06:32

Not posting in AIBU as I'm too delicate to deal with the replies in there but I don't know what else to do.

DS is 1 and BF still, also does not sleep. Will not take a cup or beaker or bottle of milk regularly so I go to his nursery to feed him at lunchtime. I am exhausted. We are working with the feeding team to address some issues I am having and once these are resolved we are going to look at weaning down to BF in morning and evening only as he still feeds at least 10 times a day.

I was off with stress after my maternity leave ended but came back into the work place a few months ago and have been settling back into a new routine. I have been honest with my employer about the challenges I am facing but the work is still piling up. This is causing me a lot of stress and something has to give.

Further exacerbating this is the requirement that I must now attend the office for one full day a week. I would relish some adult time but I don't know how this will work with DS. I can't just suddenly not feed him in the daytime - for his sake and due to the other issues I am having. I am also so tired and do not feel safe to drive such a long way.

I don't know what to do other than quit. This won't be going on forever, I know that, but it feels like my employer doesn't realise this and wants all or nothing now. I have nothing more to give. I am so burnt out. I would like to reduce my FTE temporarily but don't even think they would allow this or whether it would even be possible. We are also having enormous family issues, which is a whole other thread!

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 24/01/2024 06:40

Does your 1yo have medical issues where he needs to be breastfed 1 times a day? Does he not have any other food and drink, as that’s not typical at all for 1yo? If no medical issues on his end necessitating this, going away for a day may be the best thing as he can’t have a breastfeed during the day if you are not there and will end up eating/drinking normally otherwise.

I’m sympathetic but think it’s a bit rich describing your employer as ‘all or nothing’ when they are essentially only asking for 1 day in the office, and supposedly a standard workload to match pay, or is this not the case?

Goinoutalone · 24/01/2024 06:49

Does he eat any solids @JimBro ?

Ratfan24 · 24/01/2024 06:53

There are a lot of questions here. Do you actually want to stop work for a while and be a sahm? Would your partner support this? Could you manage financially if you did so? What are the opportunities like in your field of work for returning to employment after a gap, or is there something else you could reasonably hope to do if you took some training?

Original poster

JimBro · 24/01/2024 06:55

It's not just the feeding, as I mentioned above, I am exhausted! We know it's not typical which is why we are trying to address it but I have a medical issue atm which means I need to keep up the feeding and not stop all at once. I've tried a pump but it doesn't help. Does eat solids as well, just not very well.

Workload does not match pay either! I need about another 3 of me in order for it to do that.

OP posts:

TicTac80 · 24/01/2024 06:57

Others will have more knowledge about rules/regs than me, but do you have a job where you can apply for FT hours over condensed days or flexible working? Would going down to 4 or 3 days a week be feasible? Can you afford to quit (not just financially but also due to factors like family issues)? Would it be possible to take unpaid leave for 3-6m just whilst you’re getting things on an even keel with BFing and logistics?

I remember how difficult things were when I went back to work after my DC were born. Luckily, both took bottles/sippy cups in the end.

Does your employer know the situation that you are in? Can you work out what solution/solutions would work out better and then present this/these as solutions for what you are facing? Maybe even ask them to consider the different options on a trial basis first to see how it works for you/them.

when XH left 5yrs ago, I was left with two young DC. XH was also not deemed safe to have the DC unsupervised (addiction issues). I’m a ward nurse working FT, and childcare when you work shifts is almost impossible (there was no childcare that would cover the start/finish times of my shifts). I explained situation to my work and they agreed to trial set days and start finish times for 2-3 months. I asked to work FT over 4 days, around wraparound hours. It worked out well (for work and for me) and I’ve been allowed to continue this. Once DC2 is old enough, I will go back to shift work. It hasn’t prevented promotion either. TLDR…it’s worth an ask if you have not yet done this. Good luck, I know it’s hard xx

SilverGlitterBaubles · 24/01/2024 06:59

Does your DS have solid foods at this point OP? Why is it absolutely necessary that you go to nursery to BF at lunch time are there medical issues? If not perhaps look at going to work for one day a week as the break in the cycle that is needed to move on from this. With regards to the sleep issue, I completely understand that this might be a dealbreaker when it comes to your ability to function at work.

TicTac80 · 24/01/2024 07:00

Oh and I’ve just remembered another thing…DC2 wouldn’t take a bottle or cup for a number of months, so I expressed milk at work and then she would feed from me at night time (again bloody hard going) but it worked ok. She sort of synced to night time feeds.

Original poster

JimBro · 24/01/2024 07:01

I will try and answer all questions below, thank you for your advice and help so far.

I enjoy my job and would rather not quit but I am so stressed by a number of things so something has to give before I do and the job is the only one. I have been up since 3am thinking about this.

We could afford it for a few months but I would look for other work in the interim.

They initially wouldn't consider changing my working pattern but reducing my FTE would be great but I don't feel able to ask as I feel like a pain. I've been there years and it's only since the pregnancy things have been difficult.

My employer does know all of this but there seems no room for leniency. It won't be forever, I know that, but I just need a couple of months to sort things out. We have tried before and will keep on trying.

OP posts:

unlikelychump · 24/01/2024 07:02

It doesn't particularly sound like your workplace is the issue here. Their requests are reasonable.

Why were you signed off with stress (you don't have to say exactly); I am wondering if it is work reasons or home reasons.

It sounds like you have a lot going on, and I hope you start to feel better soon. Remember having a baby is a big adjustment.

Original poster

JimBro · 24/01/2024 07:04

It's work and personal stress that had me signed off. Family issues and pregnancy/birth complications that causes stress as well.

OP posts:

MamaBearsss · 24/01/2024 07:05

I don’t think your workplace are being unreasonable to want you in one day a week. Why didn’t you sort this out at the end of maternity?
It Will be hard having the time to apply for new jobs so you should try and find a resolution for your current. Personally I would stop going in once a day to feed him, it’s not sustainable.

SmileyClare · 24/01/2024 07:06

If you can afford to stop working and your partner (?) is prepared to support you for a while, then Yes I would quit.

Something’s got to give. You’re burnt out and stressed. For whatever reasons, you’re not able to do your job properly right now.

You're either going to make yourself ill or get sacked if you limp on like this.

Original poster

JimBro · 24/01/2024 07:07

I would love to go in one day a week but it's just not possible in the short term. Not only due to feeding but I am exhausted. I nearly crashed the car the other day driving to the supermarket.

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 24/01/2024 07:08

It does seem short-sighted to quit your job over the BF issue, which needs solving (and will be) anyway rather than sustaining. It's only one day a week in the office and your DS is 1 so won't starve without the BF for one day. Obviously I don't know what your medical issues are but there's got to be some other way to deal with it than driving all that way for one BF. It feels like you're in the thick of it and can only see that way out, but it will get better. Can you take a couple of days off to rest and make a plan for weaning, pumping, whatever may not be ideal but will get you to the next stage of coping and out of the immediate issue of this lunchtime BF session. You can't be the first person with this medical issue and for many quitting work wouldn't be an issue so there must be other ways. Hope you get the help you need to get through it.

TookTheBook · 24/01/2024 07:08

How do you feed him during the day when you're WFH - surely you have childcare?

I think you need a combination of leaving him for longer during the day and then your DH offering just water in the deep of night (say midnight to 5 or 6am) to break the habit.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/01/2024 07:09

it feels like my employer doesn't realise this and wants all or nothing now

It doesn’t. It sounds like they want you to do the job that you’re paid for. One day a week in the office is perfectly reasonable-many people have to go in 5 full days (unless you are on a completely wfh contract).

What does your partner say about being the sole provider? Do need the money? What do you earn? How much is childcare? How /where are you feeding your child at the moment when you are at work but wfh? Could you easily get another job?

Original poster

JimBro · 24/01/2024 07:10

It's not just the BF issue, it's the sheer exhaustion of everything. I am at the end of my tether and have had to be talked down from doing stupid a few times now. So it's not just a PFB issue or to do with feeding. I am at the end of my tether and something needs to give before I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

JimBro · 24/01/2024 07:11

DS is at nursery when I wfh as well.

OP posts:

Overtheatlantic · 24/01/2024 07:11

So then quit.

Sallysoup · 24/01/2024 07:12

You have employment rights at this job if you've been there years, you don't sound like you are in a good place to be learning a new role in a new workplace, that on its own is tiring! Plus you've had recent periods of sickness which may go against you when job hunting. Any absence during your probation period could go against you, can you manage 100% attendance for 3-6 months in a new role?

I think you should push for any flexibility you can get from the current employer first, before making yourself very vulnerable in a new job. Good luck, this stage won't last forever.

Original poster

JimBro · 24/01/2024 07:14

I would have to look for something part time and I could manage that or temping work for now.

OP posts:

ThreadLasso · 24/01/2024 07:14

JimBro · 24/01/2024 06:55

Workload does not match pay either! I need about another 3 of me in order for it to do that.

Surely you don't need to stop all at once, just stop in the day? It's hard to advise though with the vagueness about medical issues. If you really need to feed during the day I'd make pumping work.

But really I'd just go cold turkey on the day feeds. After a few days either your DS will eat/drink more during the day, or he will just feed more when you pick him up. I've just stopped day feeds completely with all my DCs and it's been fine.

Then after a week or so I'd think about whether you really want to quit your job. Agree they're being reasonable, and will it just be more stressful to have to job hunt in a few months?

SmileyClare · 24/01/2024 07:16

I think you need to prioritise your physical and mental health here.
You are not coping so something has got to give.

Do you have (emotional and financial) support from a partner?

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 24/01/2024 07:16

I think you've had some very harsh replies. If you've nearly crashed the car with exhaustion and you are feeling very low, please see your GP and talk to them. Personally I don't see anything wrong with giving up work for a while, especially in the circumstances you're describing.

Original poster

JimBro · 24/01/2024 07:16

It really isn't just about the feeding issue so whilst I do appreciate the advice on this, there's a much bigger picture which I've tried to outline. I am finding life very tricky right now and work is really adding to this stress. I would love it if they could help and we could talk about the situation but I just don't feel able to.

OP posts:

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