AIBU to just quit my job?

[JimBro]

Not posting in AIBU as I'm too delicate to deal with the replies in there but I don't know what else to do.

DS is 1 and BF still, also does not sleep. Will not take a cup or beaker or bottle of milk regularly so I go to his nursery to feed him at lunchtime. I am exhausted. We are working with the feeding team to address some issues I am having and once these are resolved we are going to look at weaning down to BF in morning and evening only as he still feeds at least 10 times a day.

I was off with stress after my maternity leave ended but came back into the work place a few months ago and have been settling back into a new routine. I have been honest with my employer about the challenges I am facing but the work is still piling up. This is causing me a lot of stress and something has to give.

Further exacerbating this is the requirement that I must now attend the office for one full day a week. I would relish some adult time but I don't know how this will work with DS. I can't just suddenly not feed him in the daytime - for his sake and due to the other issues I am having. I am also so tired and do not feel safe to drive such a long way.

I don't know what to do other than quit. This won't be going on forever, I know that, but it feels like my employer doesn't realise this and wants all or nothing now. I have nothing more to give. I am so burnt out. I would like to reduce my FTE temporarily but don't even think they would allow this or whether it would even be possible. We are also having enormous family issues, which is a whole other thread!

I think you misread the post, she is being empathetic

You haven't failed your son and you're not a useless employee. You're just unwell.

I would try writing to your employer about your mental health and explaining specifically what adjustments they could make to help you. They will have to either agree to these or not.

If they agree, great... see how it goes. If they say that they can't make the adjustments that you need, you will either need to get signed off until you're better or you can quit (which should be the absolute last resort imo but it should always be an option as your mental health is ultimately more important than any job.)

OP things sound very insurmountable right now.

You're saying you will start looking for work in a couple of months, that is going to be stressful in itself, so I do agree with others that quitting isn't a good idea.

Parental leave requests need to be given at least 21 days in advance, I would request the 4 weeks you can take in a year, this is unpaid. And then for those 21 days speak to your GP and take sick leave.

Commenters aren't trying to upset you, we are trying to help as best we can. And quitting, when you have employment rights, a guaranteed job and as you say 'adult time' would not be the best idea, until you have exhausted all avenues where you are now.

You poor thing. You can't see what's going on as you're drowning in exhaustion. Talk to your GP.

Sounds like you're having support to get feeding resolved. Work sounds like they are expecting you to go back to normal (maybe they have struggled without you and are relieved to see you back).

You need space to tackle the things making you unhappy rather than just hope that the world will work around you because sadly that isn't the case. Again your GP might help here.

Think about what would get you into 'work fit' condition and how you might facilitate that (feeding, sleep, personal issues) and then work out if you feel the cost is worth it to you keeping this job. Working and motherhood are not incompatible but it is hard work. You will benefit from a career in the long term but not if it breaks you now

@Mojodojocasahaus oh look you didn't read my comment properly and pulled me up on it when I was siding with the OP and you told her to "pull herself together"
How about YOU pack it in!

It sounds like you need a break, I'd ask work for the parental leave of 1 month-6 weeks to give you time to rest, reassess and address the feeding issues.

If you've been at your job for a while, you will have employment rights. You don't sound in the right headspace to look for and start a new job, and besides, new employer could turn out to be much worse than your current employer.

It sounds like you are not getting any help with the baby and it's probably your DP contributing to your stresses. Do not quit your job whatever you do, as you'll need that money if the relationship breaks down completely.

I don’t want to pile on ,and you sound like you are in a very stressful situation
But honestly,your employer really doesn’t care
It sounds like in the meetings you are telling them all about the problems you are having
What you need to be doing is clearly asking for what you want by way of a formal request
I suggest that is a month of unpaid parental leave followed by a phased return
Also address whether you have too much work ,with evidence eg I had 10 things to do today,each takes an hour ,so too much to do or whether if you were feeling better you could cope with the workload

You very obviously need a break. As things are it's going to be so hard to tackle, so something needs to change. Instead of quitting your job, could you perhaps take some unpaid leave for a couple of months in order to recouperate and get bf in order, and then head back with a clearer mind?

I honestly wouldn't work for a few more months yet if you can manage it. It all sounds horribly stressful.

Just wanted to give you a big hug OP. A lot of babies breastfeed a lot and have no interest in food at this age, and the feeding combined with no sleep is very difficult. My lovely HV says she sees the feeding thing all the time.

You're not alone. Thinking about you x

If you can afford to not be working and have reasonable savings to tide you over for a year or so , then just leave. If you leave on good terms then you may be able to get your job back eventually ( if you want to)
But if you’ll need to get another job within a few months then I would think again. Surely you’d find that far more stressful, and a new employer would be even less flexible than your current one. Only going in one day a week is very reasonable for a full time position.
I agree with others here, I don’t think you have a work problem, it’s a personal/ medical one.

I breastfed all of my children, so that is a bizarre thing to make a comment about.

Having a medical need that means you can’t stop breastfeeding is unusual though; I would be seeking medical advice.

What ‘allowances’ do you want work to make, @JimBro ? What did the previous discussions actually discuss?

Just because your baby didn't feed that many times doesn't mean hers doesn't. And yes your newborn would of been fed that many times. If not more.

@Shinyandnew1 what does it matter if you breastfed? I was just saying I've noticed on MN people take offence if you admit to feeding past 1 year old
I breastfed too but didn't feel the need to state it

I have 3 boys and can assure you that none of them fed that many times a day. You seem to contradict yourself. First saying just because mine didn't it doesn't mean hers doesn't , before then telling mine did (which they didn't). 10 times a day works out at every 2hours 20 minutes over a 24 hour period which is why I assumed it was a typo. If the baby is a year old and feeding that many times there is a real issue here.

Were you signed off with work stress or is it the baby issues that are stressful. To be honest the feeding issues don't sound unusual, my dd was the same, they just get used to comfort feeding and are then so full up with constant snacking that they don't want solids. I had to go back to work when she was 6 months old. She would either be brought into me in my lunchbreak and then I'd express milk and she would just get by on sloppy food mixed with a load of breastmilk. she got used to it but never took milk from a bottle.
Unpaid leave is a good suggestion if your work would agree. It doesn't sound like your workplace are being unreasonable, one day a week in the office sounds very reasonable.

You sounds so stressed. A friend of mine got really stressed and tired from a similar feeding issue (as in one that left her exhausted though I’m sure the details differ) and she just couldn’t do anything. It’s not that there weren’t options but she was just holding on by he finger tips and anything that required change was too much.

What changed for her was that she “outsourced” the motivation to someone else. She agreed that “xyz” is the plan but I am too tired to be motivated so her husband basically became a cheesy sport instructor for it. Lots of motivation, small possitive notes, taking care of anything that came up, doing 100% of the chores for about two weeks. Just to get her started recovering enough so she could wean and get some sleep back.

It work for them.

Newborns feed more than that when clusterfeeding.

I see no issue.

OP if you come back to this this thread I think you need a break. Take a few days of work and give up yourself space to sleep and decide next steps.

Your MH is really important. Can you look into counselling either through a work benefit or your GP?

No job is worth all the stress. Follow your gut instinct on this. It never lets you down.