AIBU to just quit my job?

[JimBro]

Not posting in AIBU as I'm too delicate to deal with the replies in there but I don't know what else to do.

DS is 1 and BF still, also does not sleep. Will not take a cup or beaker or bottle of milk regularly so I go to his nursery to feed him at lunchtime. I am exhausted. We are working with the feeding team to address some issues I am having and once these are resolved we are going to look at weaning down to BF in morning and evening only as he still feeds at least 10 times a day.

I was off with stress after my maternity leave ended but came back into the work place a few months ago and have been settling back into a new routine. I have been honest with my employer about the challenges I am facing but the work is still piling up. This is causing me a lot of stress and something has to give.

Further exacerbating this is the requirement that I must now attend the office for one full day a week. I would relish some adult time but I don't know how this will work with DS. I can't just suddenly not feed him in the daytime - for his sake and due to the other issues I am having. I am also so tired and do not feel safe to drive such a long way.

I don't know what to do other than quit. This won't be going on forever, I know that, but it feels like my employer doesn't realise this and wants all or nothing now. I have nothing more to give. I am so burnt out. I would like to reduce my FTE temporarily but don't even think they would allow this or whether it would even be possible. We are also having enormous family issues, which is a whole other thread!

I went back to work with a horrendous sleeper (younger than yours) who breastfed a lot and didn’t take a bottle. I was on my knees with exhaustion. Lots of tears every day.

She survived without milk at nursery. We also worked with a sleep consultant to night wean her which significantly improved her day time eating of solids. I would really recommend doing the latter, I was totally against sleep training but she’s a happier, more chilled out child when she’s had a good nights sleep. You don’t need to do cry it out or controlled crying, we didn’t.

She’s now 18m, sleeps fairly well (7-5am), still nurses twice a day.

Work can’t really help with what is essentially a childcare issue beyond signing you off for stress, it’s not in itself a reason to avoid the one day a week. Mental health is though so you would need to seek help for that and get it documented. But my short term recommendation would be to throw some money at it and get help with sleep.

From what you've written, I agree that you need a break.

Does work have an occupational health advisor? Could you go to your GP and ask for help? Are you being supported for your other difficulties?

It doesn't seem to make sense to me for you to continue as you are. It's obviously unsustainable.

But I think that posters on this thread are concerned that you don't seem to have a strategy to overcome this, simply to stop working which doesn't sound as though it will put everything right.

And going forward, if you need an income, it will be harder to secure a job that you enjoy and that meets your flexible needs.

Stop working if you need to and if you have support to do this financially. But take time before you quit to seek help in working out a plan for how you can resolve the issues and move forward positively.

I'm so sorry this is a struggle for you. It's obvious you have a number of worries. I hope you are soon feeling stronger and able to enjoy life.

I have spoken to work about it, I might not have made that clear before. They seem like they are listening then just act like the conversation never took place.

I agree with others that you should put in a formal flexible working request, whether that’s for reducing hours or being allowed to continue fully wfh for the time being. They might agree and that might help solve some of your issues. And if they say no then at least you know for sure.

You also mention the workload being too high - is that because you’re not coping well or would it still be too high even if you were on top form? If it’s the latter then you need to have a conversation with your manager and explain why your workload can’t be done within your contracted hours.

I would try both those things first but ultimately if you can afford it then just quit. Your mental health must come first.

I think rather than quitting you need to sit down with your work management and HR and probably their Occupational Health team and look at everything you have said here and ask them for a short term adjustment to working to allow you to still work but to also take the time you need to get better.

It's difficult to fully advise without understanding what the Health issue is that won't allow you to stop BFing. However, normally in the short term Iit would be recommended to try and stop feeding him so often. It will be bloody hard for you both. But he isn't eating food because he is relying on your milk. He needs to learn that solids is his main source of food and that will take time and some distress but by the sounds of it your mental health needs this cycle to break.

Maybe cut out the lunchtime one to begin with. Would that be an option?

I’m not sure what you mean, so you’ve asked for allowances from work before and what do they say? Do you have anything in writing?

I ask for allowances, they acknowledge that I am burnt out, but just then pile more work on me and act like everything is fine.

So have they agreed to certain allowances in writing?

No, they've agreed to nothing.

Pls don't quit your job, i genuinely do not believe that's the answer.

First of all, book a meeting with your manager and HR to discuss a flexible working request to reduce your hours to PT, as I agree, working FT with a toddler is just stressful (been there).

As for the BF, I'll be honest I think it's insane that you go to his nursery at lunchtime to BF, he's 1! He won't take anything else because he knows you will give in (kids aint stupid) so it takes perseverance.

This thread is making me feel worse and like I've now failed my son. So I'm stepping back. I am already on the brink so having it confirmed to me that I'm also a useless employee is not helpful. Like I said, I just wondered how other people have managed such significant work stress but everyone else is more robust than pathetic me.

This is what I've said, as why would setting up a meeting at work not be your first point of call?

Absolutely this. If you can afford to not work for two months try for parental or other unpaid leave. Applying for and starting a new job takes a lot of brain space and energy plus it seems mad to give up employment rights and have the pressure of finding a new job looming over you.

It sounds like you’re having a hard time OP and need some breathing space.

You are ignoring everyone's advice. Work can't help unless you talk to them. If you can't talk, write them a letter. Having sick leave is not dumping your team in it. It's prioritising your mental health. Talk to the doctor. You don't mention what your partner is doing to help, is he onboard? I took six months mental health leave for stress and is helped massively, quitting will only add to your woes as money problems are probably the biggest stressor if all.

It seems overwhelming right now, maybe post natal depression? Tackle each thing separately in small chunks, for example can your partner bring the baby to you at work to feed at lunchtime? Can they provide a private area to bf in? Are they doing their fare share if night feeds and letting you rest. Distance yourself from the at home pressures anything you can do. Most importantly see the GP and be honest with them. It's perfectly ok to ask for help, please do

OP, you haven't failed your son and you aren't a useless employee. You are exhausted. Burnt out. It can happen to anyone.

Please talk with your GP. Talk to your health visitor. Talk to HR (or better still, put it in writing).

Most of all, do whatever it is that you need to feel better.

You've been given lots of advice about how to tackle your employer and asking for allowances (formally), I don't think anyone has said you're useless or pathetic - please book in to see your GP because you aren't able to think rationally at the moment and are internalising everything.

Get your GP to give you a fit note that says you can only work reduced hours and from home (give a schedule). Your employer can then either accept it or put you on sick leave. If you are ready to quit you have nothing to lose.

Unfortunately JimBro, those with an empathy bypass tend to talk loudest and longest. Take care of yourself.

As you've nothing to lose by talking to your employer again, I'd just keep knocking at that door and explain that you NEED adjustments in the short term. Companies generally want won't to lose staff as it costs them time and money to recruit and gain new people.

Op you’re so exhausted with it all you’re not thinking straight. Try to see your GP today and get a note for a week.

Then request the reduction in hours and meeting with HR

I know it’s hard, sending unmumsnetty hugs but in the nicest possible way you need to pull yourself together

Have you asked for specific adjustments to be made for you, OP. Or just general "allowances" because you're struggling?

I'm wondering if they may not actually know what it is that you need them to do?

I've noticed on MN that people get really upset if you dare admit you breastfeed past the age of 1.
They think it's cut and dry that once past 6m or 1 you just stop breastfeeding and that's it.
I'm guessing they have never breastfed at all

This is not helpful to the op right now. Pack it in.

OP, please see your GP. As someone who had it very badly herself, your posts are screaming PND to me.

@JimBro what does your son eat in a typical day? A 1 year old doesn't need 10 feeds a day and doesn't need you coming to nursery at lunch time. Could you just give him a feed before bed?

All I can suggest is taking a week off sick to consider your options, thrash it out with your partner and try to decide what you need to do.
Put your worries about letting your work team down aside for a moment.

Make an appointment with your gp. You may need treatment for anxiety and depression? You really do sound at crisis point.

You have options although it might not feel like it.
If you cannot juggle all the balls then stop trying to.

The most important thing is to keep yourself safe and well at the moment.