AIBU to just quit my job?

[JimBro]

Not posting in AIBU as I'm too delicate to deal with the replies in there but I don't know what else to do.

DS is 1 and BF still, also does not sleep. Will not take a cup or beaker or bottle of milk regularly so I go to his nursery to feed him at lunchtime. I am exhausted. We are working with the feeding team to address some issues I am having and once these are resolved we are going to look at weaning down to BF in morning and evening only as he still feeds at least 10 times a day.

I was off with stress after my maternity leave ended but came back into the work place a few months ago and have been settling back into a new routine. I have been honest with my employer about the challenges I am facing but the work is still piling up. This is causing me a lot of stress and something has to give.

Further exacerbating this is the requirement that I must now attend the office for one full day a week. I would relish some adult time but I don't know how this will work with DS. I can't just suddenly not feed him in the daytime - for his sake and due to the other issues I am having. I am also so tired and do not feel safe to drive such a long way.

I don't know what to do other than quit. This won't be going on forever, I know that, but it feels like my employer doesn't realise this and wants all or nothing now. I have nothing more to give. I am so burnt out. I would like to reduce my FTE temporarily but don't even think they would allow this or whether it would even be possible. We are also having enormous family issues, which is a whole other thread!

Thank you, I appreciate this.

It sounds like work are being quite lenient though and only wanting 1 day in the office feels quite reasonable for most employers to ask?

If you want to quit then of course you can, but I think you’ll be surprised when you start looking for another job that the majority will now want you in the office much more than 1 day a week even if they initially advertise as wfh/flexible. So at least where you are you have some rights and protections due to length of time there, you’d lose all of that somewhere new. So unless you are sure all of these issues will be gone in the next 2 months for you starting a new job potentially 50% wfh 50% in the office, you’re going to struggle more then with no protections.

1 day a week is standard where we work. I'm not saying I don't ever want to come in but right now, I am not able to for a number of reasons I have outlined above. My sector is quite split with a good proportion being wfh/contract. Having the break would allow me to work on fixing these issues.

Sounds like the mental health difficulties are your biggest issue here, OP. What help are you getting for these? Are you taking medication, and is it one of those situations where the medication will take a bit of time to kick in? Have you spoken to your employer about this side of things as well as the feeding issues etc?

OP I think you’ve pretty much decided you want to quit and just wanted replies to tell you that you are “allowed” to quit.

Have you spoken to your partner about potentially leaving work?

Did you really mean you still feed the baby 10 times a day or was that a typo? I didn't even feed my newborn that many times. I am unsure what medical reason there is that you have that means you need to feed that often but there must surely be another way to manage that (eg. if you didn't have a baby how would it be managed?)

Surely it is medical help you need right now to address this and if you weren't feeding so often you wouldn't be exhausted. It is the exhaustion that is having the knock on effect of feeling unable to cope and the BF is a major factor in that so it is that which needs to be knocked on the head.

The MH difficulties/exhaustion are the main issue and work know about it.

I'm not looking for permission to quit, I'm just trying to vent and see if anyone else has found themselves in a similar difficult situation and whether they had FTE reduced or anything. I wish I'd never started this thread, it's just made me feel worse.

Nope, I unfortunately do mean at least 10 times a day. The issue wouldn't be there if I wasn't BF though so I need to reduce gradually and will be working with the professionals to do this.

Work and life stress are being hugely exacerbated by the exhaustion but they are still significant.

something needs to give before I do

Then you "just" have to decide what the something is. (I know it's not easy - I'm an a similar situation about leaving my job, but for different reasons.)

I would try:

1. ask your employer if you could go down to part time (if you're going to leave anyway then you've got nothing to lose by asking)
2. try to get signed off for medical reasons
3. quit, but try to do it very nicely and with regret, to leave the door open to a return in a year or so

On the face of it- you’re at breaking point, stressed, too tired to drive safely, so anxious you were up until 3am worrying (?) unable to complete the work expected of you and now feeling suicidal.

Just stop.

I quit a teaching career after having two dc. I worked part time in a much easier lower paid job while they were little.
I loved it.

If this is a viable option for you then do it.

Why are you still feeding a one year old ten times a day?

I know you said you don't want to ask work any more favours, but if you like your job and have been there years I'd be inclined to ask for a meeting, explain what you've said here and say you need a couple of months off.

If you quit, they'll need to recruit someone else which will take at least that long to sort out, so they'll be better off with you taking some time out.

At around 10 months, I want DD to take a bottle, she flatly refused, I tried expressing for her into a cup, still refused. I was getting so stressed by it. DH said the only way was for her not to be near me when she was hungry, it took about 3 days, she was then happy to not BF or take a bottle, she was happy just to eat solids. It certainly helped my MH. 20 years later she will still not drink milk on its own. She will put it on cereal, but once the cereal is gone, she leaves the milk.

Could you apply to take a block of unpaid parental leave to get you over this bump? https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

It sounds like you're very close to burning out and you're going to need some time out, whether that's sick leave, parental leave or resigning. If there is a good chance that, say, a month off now will allow you to resolve the current issues and return to work productively then it would make more sense than quitting altogether.

I do think some time off would help resolve the issues but it's not guaranteed. I wish it was!

I was ticking along fine until I went back to work. I was fine for the first few months but there is so much on me at work and it's just unmanageable.

How does he manage at nursery all day when you wfh? I agree the unpaid parental leave might be a good idea whilst you work things out

I really do appreciate all the advice but this isn't about how I feed DS.

I’d request part time before I quit op - you’ve got nothing to lose - if they say no then quit.

As others have said you’ve got protections in this job that you wouldn’t have for at least 2 years in a new one.

You’re exhausted I know but try not to do something in haste that you’d regret later (especially re feeding. DC won’t be on the boob like this within the next year as they take to solids)

This is my first child and it seems like I can't even feed him to Mn standards!

Agree with trying sick leave/parental leave first.

If you could afford not to work long term then quitting would be a better idea, but when you are saying you’d need to look for work in the next 2 months ish anyway, potentially ending up with a job that works even less, I’d be trying everything possible first to avoid leaving a job where you have employment rights/protection.

I feel guilty taking sick leave, there's so much on and I like my team. I just need a break.

I was also going to say can you request parental leave and take a block of time off. It sounds like everything is on top of you right now so YES absolutely you can give up work if you do need to. Don't keep let your physical and mental health suffer. Im a sahm (which is often the worse thing to be on MN) and I left work when childcare wasn't working out and as it turned out my DS was autistic so my instincts were right and he needed me at home with him. My work wasn't sympathetic and i didn't see a long term future there. We had a difficult house move at the same time and like you I was overwhelmed and stressed and miserable . If you do like your job and can see a longtime future then have a chat with them but sometimes we do need to prioritise ourselves and family life.

You seem to be ignoring PPs who are suggesting you just have a meeting with work, say what you’ve said here and see what they can do. Theres nothing to lose.

maybe you can continue to WFH full time or maybe they are happy for you to have one day off a week - how do you know until you try?

i think you’re underestimating the stress of looking for another role and there’s no guarantee that that new role would be less stressful - even if it’s lower paid these days everyone is pushed to their limits work wise and sometimes it’s better the devil you know.

dont make any rash decisions and just break it down into bite size steps and tackle each one at a time. Start with setting up a meeting at work, get that out the way then look at the next step and so on.

To be fair, most of your OP were about the feeding, so that’s what people have responded to. What medical condition do you have that means you can’t stop breastfeeding?

You have now mentioned that you have personal and huge family issues going on as well. I would think very carefully about what they are before you give up work. Are you married? Is your boyfriend/husband happy for you to give up so they are the sole breadwinner? Can you afford it? If the personal problems are between you and your partner, do not give up work-retain your independence.

Where is your baby when you are working during the week?

Nobody here can say to you ‘yes, give up work, you’ll be much less stressed’ if we don’t have all the facts. What if your husband doesn’t earn enough to pay the mortgage/doesn’t want you to give up work/is ill or having an affair or your fixed rate is coming to an end and your mortgage is about to double! We don’t know what your personal or family problems are.