5 days bereavement leave for losing Mum, is this poor?

[TeapotCollection]

A colleague of mine lost her Mum over Christmas and she’s been told that’s all she’ll get. I think that’s shocking for the loss of a parent, interesting to hear if it’s normal. 5 days includes the day of the funeral as well

When I lost my Mum they gave me longer but we had different owners then, I was very surprised to hear this

I worked for a major university. When my DM died unexpectedly, I was told I could have one day off 'to make arrangements' and one day off for the funeral. My GP signed me off for a month without any questions whatsoever and said I should go back if I needed longer.

Policy is UP TO 10 days compassionate leave
HOWEVER all of that is up to manager's discretion apparently depending on circumstances
So surely that could be abused?!
I mean if you're not the favourite they could just not give you that much. I know our place has favourites.
We'll find out I guess. I'll have to use it soon

I got a grand total of two days and was given begrudgingly. This despite having worked for the company for 15 years.

Miserable bunch of shits for the "the rules say you can have it so...."

I do wish it was made more explicit that HR expect people to get signed off after bereavement and that (punitive) absence procedures won't be initiated in those circumstances.

I only took the few days of permitted compassionate leave after a sudden close family bereavement. I received a "welfare call" when I returned but I was so stressed and sad that I didn't realise there was any expectation I would be signed off.

I was actually scared I would lose my job if I took more time off and thought that was why they were checking up on me. I wasn't in a frame of mind to pick up on hints or subtext about going off sick.

People shouldn't assume anyone knows they're expected to get signed off rather than only taking 2/3/5/however many days compassionate leave.

5 days paid would be standard for a parent where I work. We get generous sickness pay, any longer would be signed off as sick leave.

There is no legal right to paid time off for a non-dependent bereavement as far as I know. Even if the person who has died is a dependent, the legal right is unpaid leave.

@quarrelmerchant I’m sorry that happened to you, it sounds like that call wasn’t delivered well at all.

We spell it out, no hints or subtexts. “I’m calling you because I’m concerned you haven’t taken any more time off, and that 5 days is not enough time. Take as long as you need. Go to the doctor. Get signed off. Absence will be disregarded.” I suppose it helps if it’s a visible HR, which is a lot harder with offices being dispersed, and many workplaces being hybrid or work from home. I am very visible HR and I like to think approachable - the calls of this nature have been received in the spirit they were meant.

Fully expecting to be treated differently to someone else I know at work whose parent died.
It's all about favourites

@Littlegoth I'm glad that there are workplaces like that because you sound genuinely supportive. I think you're right that being visible and approachable makes a big difference.

Fully expecting to be treated differently to someone else I know at work whose parent died.
It's all about favourites

Or maybe responding to different circumstances ?

I would say that if my work didn't obviously have favourites in general.
But like I said they do

Absolutely this. I went to work the next day and took 1 day for the funeral when my DM died. This is mainly because I didn't understand what I could have. I didn't realise the normal thing is to see the GP.

5 days is normal - it's for admin and funeral arrangements. My husband (NHS) took that when his mother died, plus I think 2 or 3 days of annual leave because she didn't live locally and it was easier to have some extra time. It never would have occurred to him to take sick leave - he wasn't ill. And for some people, going back to work is by far the best thing to do, because normality helps - sitting at home gives you nothing else to do except think about what has happened.

I had a week after my.mun died and I was desperate to get back to work and some level of normality. Work helped. I needed to be busy.

I had two days of unpaid leave before my mother died because she was expected to die, but didn’t die quickly enough for me to go to work on the days I was meant to go. They warned me it would need to be unpaid and I basically put the phone down on them. After her death, I was already on thin ice because of the days prior, so I had no time off. I was 23, I didn’t have a manager or HR and Id never been signed off work by a GP and had no idea that was even possible. (Thinking about it I still haven’t ever been signed off work by a GP) Despite being totally responsible for the estate, cleaning her home, the will, the funeral, probate, everything, I didn’t get any time off.

I wish I’d known about the gp. Shall we put it on a list of things your parents never thought to teach you?

My dad died when I was on leave for Easter anyway, so.I had the rest of that week plus another week. There is a lot to organise when someone dies so that was enough time to make arrangements. After that I found myself wanting to be back working to think about something else, then took more time off for the funeral. I only worked 3 days a week then too, if I had been FT I'd probably have needed more time off. Also it depends on the circumstances of the death. He had been ill for a long time, it was expected, and he was 81. Though it was very sad it was in some way a relief. If it was a sudden death and/or someone younger you may need a good deal more time off. Work were very flexible about it and put no pressure on at all.

I was given 6 days, but there was no real pressure to go back. I saw work as a distraction so it was my own choice

Where I work we are given one day “compassionate” leave which is for close relatives and to be used for the funeral. When my mum passed away I was signed off by my gp so I did have a week off, in hindsight I should have taken longer. I later found out we can have longer and it’s down to managers discretion, my manager didn’t mention this to me because basically she couldn’t have cared less 😠

Exactly what I mean.
I think the whole 'managers discretion' is shit honestly because I do believe it leaves it open to abuse.
One manager who's good can make the right decision and give time.
Another who doesn't like you or the same who likes another person less can just not give you as long.
And they can do all of that cos the policy is 'managers discretion'.

I got a month off with full pay. Then took another 2 weeks unpaid. Didn’t need to submit any GP notes etc.
I was only 20 and my mum died very unexpectedly so I don’t know if these circumstances made a difference to how generous the partners were. Bereavement leave was discretionary.

I didn't realise the normal thing is to see the GP.

It isn't "normal".
Every circumstance is different. Every death is different. Even 2, 3, 4 or more dc of the same parent respond differently to the same death. Relationships are different. Responses are different. Whether you are local or not. Whether you are the one making arrangements or not. Whether those are straightforward or not. Whether the dying person has already arranged their own funeral or not.

If you can't function / do your job then some GPs will be willing to say you aren't fit for work. Some people don't 'function' as well as others. However, there is no automatic right or expectation or even need in most cases to ask a GP to say you are not fit to be able to do your job.

I am sorry your Manager was unsupportive, but it doesn't make discretion a bad thing per se. I've seen more than one manager subtly manage things that I know were outside of the official 'allowance' because they were great, supportive managers who knew the bereaved person well and were willing to take any criticism that came their way from above, in order to do the right thing for the person that they managed.
I've also seen managers do this with illness too.
Fantastic managers to work for.

5 days is generous end of the standard allowance for compassionate leave. I took 4 when my Dad passed away recently, but my line manager let me wfh for about a fortnight. I normally wfh for 2 days per week.

I think 5 days across the corporate board as standard is fair. Now what they do above and beyond that for their employee is the litmus test.

Yes, what I should have said was 'I didn't realise the normal thing could be to see your GP'

I'm obviously aware all situations are different as I said in my post, I returned to work the day after my mum suddenly died. But I think if we are a bit more open about death 'procedures', this would help immensely.

I’m a teacher, my Mum passed away very suddenly last year, I got 2 days compassionate leave and a day for the funeral - absolutely shocking. Tell your friend to ring her GP straight away and get a sick note for 4 weeks initially, then they’ll extend it if she needs it.