anyone give up a career to stay at home and regret it?

[mostlymay]

I'm in a real dilemma as to what to do. I have a great job but its long hours and very very stressful and was planning on returning to work when all of a sudden its hit me HOW much I love my baby and how much I want to stay at home with her for as long as possible. DH says we can just about cope financially as long as roof doesn't collapse and he doesn't lose his job etc even though I'd have to pay back maternity money so if I want to I can which is amazing as so many women DON'T have this choice.. But has anyone been in this situation, then regretted it.. I feel a bit weird about being financially reliant on DH and giving up a career I've spent so long working at establishing.. but I love spending time with my baby.. Any experiences please?

exactly, nkf. 6 kids - not my personal cup of tea lol, but even with 2, I see myself taking a much more robust approach to ds' upbringing. If I stayed at home, it would have been because the logistics would have been overwhelming (a bit like Prufrock's situation), not because I thought my ds would only thrive under my care, as I thought with dd, because that is not true.

Hi,
I went back to work to a stressful and long hours but very well paid job after my DD1 was born. I hated every day I was at work and didn't feel that I was committed to my job at all, my priorities had changed completely.

My DD1 was looked after by my mum so I knew she was happy and well cared for while I was at work (leave home at 7am - return at 7pm), but I felt I was missing out on her growing up.

After 1 month of fulltime work I negotiated to work part time 2 days in the office 1 day work from home a week. This seemed the perfect solution, but the problem was that on the 2 days I wasn't working we tried to cramm so much in it was really stressful. Getting to know other mums and babies was really difficult as you would only see them once a week and couldn't form any sort of lasting friendship.

After 2 years I decided to stop working, this reduce our income by 2/3 so it wasn't a decision we took lightly, but it was the best thing I ever did. DD1 made loads of friends, I made a huge network of local friends too. She could go to a local preschool and we both chilled out, it also seemed to sort out her eating problems.

I have now had DD2 and have no plans to work until she starts school, but she is now the age DD1 was just after I returned to work and its amazing what I missed out on.

So my advice would be if you can afford to have a few years off and enjoy the time with your baby as you'll never get that time back.

Everyone differs but probably most women today and in my mother's and grandmother's day just can't afford not to work so it's not really a choice issue for many.

On school age children we just never did any after school activities ever during the week in 23 years just about which obviously makes it easier although their schools have clubs etc so they do things there. Once their nanny left who never lived in we found someone at one point who did cleaning in the morning and then school collection after at one point, an Australian who didn't live in. Then found it hard to get anyone good at cleaning and with children so separated that out and advertised for someone to do after school pick up and extra hours in holidays and that worked fine until we had the twins and needed a full time live out nanny again and she would make tea for all 5 children and collect the otehr 3 from their school coaches with the twins in the car so that solved that. Then we had a phase using the school afer school club until 6 on the days I or the older siblings weren't here and now the twins talk home alone - they're 9 but it's not far - 3 mins walk from their prep school to home and usually me or their student sibilings are in so in a sense I bred 3 au pairs who don't charge! which is a good reason to have a large family I suppose with big age gaps. In other words in 23 years it's been a fairly constantly changing pattern of care but I do find the more people around to talk to and help the easier it is.

I agree with handbagqueen about never getting the time back when they are babies. Quite a few old ladies have said this to me as well. I think the problem is that when you first have a baby, you imagine that it can just be a few years off work and then all back to normal. However it tends to not work out that way, and the 5 year career break turns into 20 years with all the financial disadvantages that it brings.

Can I just say, what a difference compared to the thread couple of weeks ago from that CM who was slagging off her employers for not picking DC's up the second they got back from work, i.e. the thread which descended into SAHM vs working mums ? this is the much more attractive side of Mumsnet. Reasoned discussion with no mudslinging. Bliss. It?s a really interesting thread, OP.

I have no children as yet and ? as I see it now- would definitely want to continue work (but on 4 days a week rather than 5) if I had them. However I can also see myself ending up in exactly the OP?s position!

What would make me go back to work is what Blueshoes and others have said: a) I want to keep my toe on the ladder in some way or another, and b) what would happen if my/your husband were to die and leave you on your own? Life is absolutely about more than money as someone else said, but a certain amount of money does give you the freedom to operate within certain boundaries of ?what you?d like? rather than be forced into a situation working / not working / on benefits / etc that is not of your own choosing.

Blueshoes? idea of choosing the option which burns the least bridges is, I think, spot on. (Rookiemater, shall we start that appreciation society then? ) As Xenia said, none of us can really advise you on this but if I were you I?d look at the situation from Blueshoes? perspective. That may mean staying at work, it may mean staying at home, it may mean part-time work, who knows?! I hope you manage to make a decision which keeps YOU happy and sane.

It is good it hasn't turned into a slanging match for once. I genuinely don't by the way feel I missed out on those baby years because of course I like most mothers and fathers of babies where we work full time we are there before work ,in the night (more often than we want if we're breastfeeding every 2 or 3 hours in the night), evenings, holidays and weekends.

I found the wrench of first going back hard because of the physical an mental attachment to the baby, hormones etc and my first baby was young, but not too bad once I was back and I think we bonded perfectly well and like most working parents we both probably did less work than we would have done had we not had children but that's the compromise most people reach even if you work full time and here today she's 23, a student (about to go away for 2 weeks over Easter) and I can't really see any difference between her and my relationship and that of non working mothers - except I kept my sanity (couldn't have stood being with a baby every day 12 hours a day alone etc - it's very very boring you know for many of us, it's like domestic service, not fun, although not everyone shares that view and the weekends are lovely.

I think the career you're in is relevant too. There was such a massive difference between our lives on my husband's teacher's salary with 5 children and our lives with my income too that I would have had to be a very very devoted child with me 24/7 mother to make a choice to say home (and anyway it would not accord with my feminist and political beliefs but that's a different issue)

I agree that this has been a really thought-provoking thread.

Just one suggestion to the OP, really. Could you not buy yourself some time and take Additinal Maternity Leave? Everyone is entitled to 12 months' maternity leave, albeit with a good proportion on no / poor pay, and I think that you're in a different place hormonally / emotionally by that point - not to mention with breastfeeding if that's what you're doing. I'd always intended to return to work, but when my DD was five months old and I was considering the practicalities, I was beside myself and thought that the only route I could bear would be to be a SAHM. DH and Mum talked me into taking additional maternity leave instead, and I found that by the time my 12 months was up I was much more able to see the positive aspects of WOH and went back full time. When I had DS two years later I planned and budgeted for the whole 12 months' leave (and so did my employer) and was ready and happy to come back 4 days a week when the time came.

Not an option for everyone, of course, but anyone who can financially consider being a SAHM should be able to financially consider unpaid AML?

That's a really good point circlesquare. There's a definite danger with the all or nothing approach - ie either you're 'cut out' to be a SAHM or you're not. Life isnt static; how you feel when your child is 6 months may be very different to when they are a year old. And their needs will develop too. I always feel a bit when women say they are absolutely set on being a SAHM (or indeed the opposite, where a woman says she's definitely a career woman). Life is about responding to opportunities and situations, and I think being able to remain open minded is a really positive quality.

circlesquare, good point about self-funding the second 6 months of your maternity leave to give more time for the hormones to settle, if that is an issue. Once baby gets closer to one year, there is less of that ickle bickle bebe feel about him/her, possibly walking by then, eating solids reliably, communicating with pointing etc Easier to leave during the day. With ds, my second, by 11 months, I was champing at the bit to go back to work because he felt really ready to move on to the nursery environment (I had settled him in over 8 weeks).

Xenia, your post reminded me - I use co-sleeping and bf-ing to extend that intimate cosy time with my dcs, even though I saw less of them during the day after I went back to work. It is also nicer to cuddle up with them during their sleep than when they are awake, less demanding! Reminds me of how lovely they are, rather than how frustrated I am about how they rarely do my bidding.

I stumbled on co-sleeping because my dcs are both crap in the sleep department. But knowing what I know now, I would still co-sleep even if they were poor sleepers.

Jane, rookie,

Blueshoes WE should be curtseying to YOU, not the other way round shurely?

Mostlymay I wonder if this issue has now become as clear as mud for you! There are soooo many issues! As I said I can very easily see myself in your position if I ever have children. I'm as feminist as Xenia when it comes to the whole work thing, but I have no idea how strong my hormones might end up being when it comes down to it... But that implies that you can't be a feminist AND stay at home - NOT what I mean at all. err I'll shut up now.

Have you had any more thoughts about it since reading all this?

Also a counter argument - I went back very early and I found that easier, ot harder, because we hadn't had too long getting used to be being at home and the baby bonded with the nanny as well as her father and me so there was no mother 24/7 for 12 months then huge separation thing when mother deserts baby which arguably might be worse for a baby than pretty much from day one looked after by mother, nanny and father with a routine that doesn't vary.

Yes - me too - went back to work both times when DS 1 & 2 were 3mths (standard here, end of paid maternity leave). Obviously it was hard physically with lack of sleep etc. but it really wasn't hard at all (does that sound heartless??) to leave either baby and really easy for them to settle with childminder.

(where are you HSFAY? here in Holland the maternity leave is also pitifully short! You need time to physically recover let alone make decisions about whether or not to go back to work!)

I think your age also plays a part in the decision to stay at home or go back to work. I am an 'older' mum,37 when I had my first DD, so career wise I had got to senior management and felt I had achieved what I wanted to.

I think if I were younger I may have felt the pull of progressing my career.

I am the ultimate feminist. I worked in a very male domninated environment and the people I worked with all assumed that I was a career woman who would never have children, they were stunned when I announced I was pregnant and even more stunned when I decided to be a SAHM.

Its strange what having kids does to you.

handbagqueen - I very much agree with you.

I was 38 when I had my first child and I definitely had worked long enough to feel I had achieved what I wanted to - and knew what awaited me on the full-time career track and didn't feel the lure

I was 22 when I had the first and on the verge of starting my career which has fit very well with having children over the last 23 years. I can see that someone who has worked for years and is a bit fed up with it might want a break on the mommy track at home for a bit although I don't think I would have liked it for various reasons even if I'd waited until nearly 40 - teh age when my siblings have had their children.

handbagqueen I agree with you age can be a significant factor.

I was 40 when I had ds1, worked until he was 4 yrs old and packed it in when he went to school. By this time I had ds2 as well, so spent a happy few yrs at home with 1 toddler and 1 at school.

Both are at school now (yr 4 and yr 1) and I am thinking of returning to work later this year - albeit in a job share - I can't contemplate F/T again at the moment.

JaneHH I'm in France. Can't really complain now I've seen the state of English maternity leave - we get 16 weeks on fullpay. After that it's something pitiful but I can't believe how bad it is in England - AND how many people still take at least 6mths-1 year off despite that.
Noone I know here would consider unpaid maternity leave unless they had loads of kids...
And actually the childcare here is fine (reference to another thread moaning about it, by s/o who has obviously never used it). and heavily subsidised, making it STUPID not to go back to work.

micegg - in answer to your question about being dependent on your partner for money, this has never been an issue for us. Neither dh or I see it as his money or my money, it has always been our money. When I worked I earned a lot more than him for a long time and supported him, now I have given up work to look after ds and his career has taken off more and he supports us all. That's how a marriage or partnership should work. You do both have to see it this way for it to work however and unfortunately not everyone seems to.

By the way, as I am now pg again with #2, I am even more glad I didn't go back to work as the cost of having 2 children in nursery would make it hardly worth it!

I agree with AliciaJohns about money, when I stopped working we set up a joint bank account, all the money is considered our money and if anything I tend to control it with DH checking with me before he makes any large purchases.

hello mostlymay

wondered when i'd bump into you on mumsnet!

i'm just singing louis armstrong to hector - he loves it!!

Thanks to all posts on this.. I went to see my boss yesterday and I have made the jump! Feel such relief now the decision has been made.. I can pick up little bits of work from home to keep my foot in the door when I need to but most of the time I can spend with my lovely baby.. I have already scouted out a spot in my garden for a vegetable patch, jam recipes etc etc (more fifites cliches..) I am so excited about the whole thing and DH has been fabulous about it as well. I am a very lucky woman

Howdy mitfordsisters you found me!! Well spotted Poirot

Glad you made your mind up enjoy