anyone give up a career to stay at home and regret it?

[mostlymay]

I'm in a real dilemma as to what to do. I have a great job but its long hours and very very stressful and was planning on returning to work when all of a sudden its hit me HOW much I love my baby and how much I want to stay at home with her for as long as possible. DH says we can just about cope financially as long as roof doesn't collapse and he doesn't lose his job etc even though I'd have to pay back maternity money so if I want to I can which is amazing as so many women DON'T have this choice.. But has anyone been in this situation, then regretted it.. I feel a bit weird about being financially reliant on DH and giving up a career I've spent so long working at establishing.. but I love spending time with my baby.. Any experiences please?

finefat, very interesting.

I agree with the personality point above too. I usually think I've made the right decisions, that things are good enough (and don't have to be perfect) and never regret anything very much. Some personalities will always be unhappy with whatever they do.

When I went back to work with the first child at the very start of my career the cost of the daily nanny was half my husband's pay plus half my pay by the time her tax and NI were included. I knew I was in a job where pay increases hugely over the years - it's not flat so we could work those first 1 - 2 years at a kind of loss because we knew it would pay off later.

perhaps one issue for our daughters is to try to pick interesting careers which give them these kinds of choices rather than working at call centres or in very worth vocational but badly paid jobs. With some husbands you'll never in a month of Sundays persuade him it's worth you going back to work to earn £15k a year but if it's £150k that may well be different.

Agree about the personality points. In general most people will not admit to have made the wrong choices. I think that whatever we choose most of us think on balance it is the right one as to do anything else would be very damaging to our mental health

Still there are always one or two staggeringly honest and self aware people out there. I suppose you need more of them to help you decide

I'm back full-time and with a bit of diary management, focus, homeworking and technology I do spend a great deal of time with my son. This week, for example, I worked 2 long days, 2 shorter days (finishing at 3ish and 12 noon) a normal day and one of these was a day at home.

I take calls when I am not working and check emails on my blackberry. Clients have no idea where I am working from. I often catch up on work in evening when my son is in bed.

But, I have a very short commute to work and I am in the public sector. I have been promoted in the time I have been working this flexibly and my clients are very happy with my work.

For me, this arrangement works well but if I couldn't work this flexibly I'd want to work fewer hours, probably around 20 or so. I couldn't be a SAHM, I think I need to work for all sorts of reasons.

I'd just like to make a point about this myth that exists about 'causing children emotional harm' by mothers working. My own mother worked full time (8am till past 6) and I myself worked full time (leave house at 6.30am arrive back at 7pm) until I had dd (ds was 9 at that time and I went back when he was 5 months).
BOTH of my children are extremely self confident and both (interestingly) are quite independent minded. Obviously they have other completely differing parts of their personalities, but I do think it's worth pointing out that ds hasn't been shortchanged by the fact that I worked for most of his formative years.

I think women often give up work because they don't want to leave their babies for the necessary number of hours. The hours before work and after school and weekend aren't enough for them.

And I think that's a perfectly understandable desire. The problem is that following that desire can wreck a woman's career.

I think just having children and having childcare problems, or deciding to go to assemblies etc, can also put a serious crimp in their career, even if they go back full-time.

Not trying to be contentious, just it's hard to keep a career on track without family support, or very expensive childcare.

Again bluehoes makes a very pertinent point ( I'll be forming an appreciation society next .

From what I hear from friends and from threads here, childcare becomes more problematic when they start school, not less. DS goes to a CM who he loves to bits and is very reliable.I drop him off at 8.30 and pick him up at 5.00pm ( reduced hours so although I work 4 days a week I still get to spend a lot of time with him).

Once they are at school its a whole different ball game with ridiculous half days on Fridays, term long settling in sessions, apparently required to go in at the drop of a hat to attend school productions and assemblies. At that time I will have a choice, hire a nanny or au pair which I'm not particularly keen to do, try to get a new CM to do the pick ups, hope that after school club isn't over subscribed, go private just because it makes it easier or give up my job. I'm hoping we can just muddle through somehow, but at least if I do end up taking a career break then I will have built up a few more years pensionable salary and earned a reasonable income.

Some people find that looking after children feels totally fulfilling and they don't need or want paid employment outside the home. Others find that, even if they set out to be a SAHM with wonderful intentions, that it actually drives them completely nuts and they have to have some time doing adult stuff in adult company. I think for probably most parents, some sort of part-tiime compromise actually works out best. And I really do think that far more companies and organisations should offer part-time work as there are really not that many jobs that absolutely have to have the same person doing them for five days a week.

yes, I gave up my career. Loved some of the time at home with my children but did find it hard.

Went back part time last year. Found part time a disaster and am now full time and finding that a bit easier (work wise, not necessarily personally iyswim).

Looking back on when I worked when mine were babies, I found that easier than now when they are at school. I'm not sure they need me more but they need me in a different way, in a way I can contribute more if that makes sense. I think some people will disagree with me on that point, but that's my personal opinion.

We have no family near enough to help but we have a marvellous nanny who we all adore and who we could not function without.

My children found it hard having both of us working full time at first I think but have now got used to it and we all make the most of our time together.

I think that's true. Another thing that is rarely noted (perhaps because MN seems to have few parents of teenagers), once they'e at seconday school, things like the school run and morning assemblies aren't so important. The events are more likely to be in the evening and most self respecting teenagers would die rather than have their mum take them to school. Those early years are very lovely and special but they're not typical of the rest of childhoood.

Hear hear Madamez. I may not like your views on recycling but I applaud your comments on part time working.

I wonder why the government is fiddling round the edges allowing men to take some of the time off when in reality all that means is that two careers are ruined rather than one and making life even harder for employers ? Do you think its because they don't want to address the real issue of ensuring that flexible working is made available where it is practical to do so rather than being completely on the whim of your manager and HR department.

I agree with you Red Admiral. The fact of your childs existence in my work means you are viewed differently. Even for those that put in all the hours and behave as they did before (SAHDs or whatever). Very depressing.

Last week I took half day so I could pick up my lo from nursery and spend 2 hours with her, take her home and do tea. Then I left her with her dad to do bath and bed while I headed back to work to go out for a meal with a colleague visiting our group. It was fine but one of my co-workers commented on how it was good for me to be back in the swing of things. I have been back at work for over 10 months!

It really depends on you but a friend of mine who went back when her daughter was 5 (with a pay cut and loss in status) found it just as hard to leave her as any one leaving a little one.

I found part time working a mare. I was always called on my days off and in the end, was cramming a full week into my part time days.

I think the key is flexible working. I agreed to full time on the condition that I could and would be flexible if needed. I.e. if there was an important meeting, I would be there and if there was an assembly where my child was doing something, then I'd go to that and come in late. The job gets done, the children get seen to and everyone is happy, including my employer. Although I appreciate that not everyone is lucky enough to be able to find a job where they can negotiate with their employer.

mostlymay - I have only skimmed teh rest but I wanted to give you a positive (in the end) response. I went back after dd - was completely wedded to my career (city, lots of money, insane hours) After a year I was getting very torn - I felt like I couldn't do either job properly, so I had another child, got another greta maternity package and left.

As an educated feminist, I am glad and thankful that I was able to choose a solution that worked for me and my family. My dh has a very intense job, works 80+ hours a week, and practically and financially it made sense for us to focus on his career. The message you will be sending to your daughter is that you were sensible enough to focus on what was most important to you at the time, and that you didn't beat yourself up about conforming to someone elses standards

That doesn't mean it wasn't difficult. I became depressed, because so much of my self worth was tied up in my ability to do it all - but it's impossible - after all, men have always sacrificed their hands-on relationship with their children to have high-flying careers (note I do not think this makes parents who choose this route any worse or better, but they do miss out on some things - it's up to each indiviual to decide whether they want to do that). After drugs and counselling I am more mentally together and happier in myself and more secure in my place in the world than I ever have been before.

However I don't agree with the premise in your question that giving up work makes you reliant on your husband. Well, no more so than you are anyway. I'm proud to be reliant on him, and him on me. Without my input into the family he couldn't work, so the wages he earns are as much mine as his. It is imperative I think for any woh partner to truly believe that about the non-earning partner.

On a practical level, I firmly believe that it makes complete sense for a SAHP to take over the managemnet of the family finances. My dh has to ask me to put more money into our current account if he needs cash, which stops me from ever feeling like it's his money. And as a SAHP I do have more time to look after finances, find good deals, pop to the bank. It also provides a modicum of intellectual challenge.

Have you thought of going back for a while just to see if you like it. Then you will knwo that you are making an informed choice, and if you stay long enough (most places it's 3 months I think) you'll get to keep your maternity pay. (Have they expressly stated that you have to return to get it btw, if not, they can't make you pay it back). And why would you have to drop to a mainscale position if you applied for part time? It's up to your employer to show that tehre are business reasons why a job cannot be done flexibly and as many educationalists do manage to work part time/job share I think they's have a hard time doing so.

Good luck with whatever decision you make

I went back part time with a home working component.
Missed my baby terribly.
Then she became a toddler and I found the days with her exhausting and also, that I was not a good mother for a toddler...so slowly upped my hours and her nursery days.
At 3 she went full time and loved it and I work shorter hours and so see her morning and evening and feel glad I went back to work, as my talents are not geared towards spending all day with a young child, I am impatient and find it difficult to operate on that level.
If though, I had missed my baby desperately and found the days at home were best, I would have packed in work. I nearly did at one stage.

I think if you can return part time for a few months you can put it in perspective and decide on a practical level.
You can jack it in after a few weeks if you want...it all depends on your character type.

My friend had a difficult first baby and zoomed back to work, second baby she went back to work, missed her baby and became a SAHM.
Don't feel you have an all or nothing decision right now.
You have options.

Prufrock raises an important point. I think personality was mentioned earlier in the post.

If you are an all or nothing person then perhaps going back to work isn't the right option unless you have tremendous childcare and/or a DH that works shorter hours.

I work a slightly reduced hours day and there are many times when I am in the middle of something when I think should I ring the CM to see if she can have DS an extra hour, or check with DH to see if he can pick him up. Then I think, well is it critical to anyone that its done today. If it isn't which is generally the case then I will pack up and pick up DS, so on the rare occasions when it is justified I don't resent it because its important that I am there. But it is hard walking away from work that I need to do and if I were a perfectionist, which I am far from being,then I would stay and get it done.

Its a bit rambly but essentially what I'm trying to say is that it helps to be able to compartmentalise and also to do the best job you can of being a mother and an employee in the time you have ti di ut,

Perfectionism doesn't do anyone any favours.

I went back to work full time when my son was 4 months old. I had a promising career which was well paid. I worked for 10 months before having to admit that I no longer cared about the job and would rather be with my son. So I chucked it in. My DH was a SAHD while I worked, but he is now working. We are skint now, as DH's salary is less than half of mine, but I am much happier, DH is happier and it is working, so far!

Perfectionism is actually entirely the wrong personality type to have children and in particular to stay at home. If you're like that I'd work because bringing up children is about compromise and things often going wrong and things not usually going the way you direct or control.

The two career full time working couples I know and I have known absolutely masses of them over the last 23 years who have made it work are usually those where they both have a commitment to the children, try to take turns in being home first and juggle between them whether mother or father has the most important meeting that day and could or could not deal with the child when the nanny is off sick. If you've an unco-operative or sexist partner it's much harder.

You just have to do a good enough job and be content with that and mym own philosophy is that children benefit from that anyway rather than helicopter parenting where the child never gets a chance to be bored.

With school age children I didn't really find it harder. We went from having a daily nanny to our nannywent part time and brought her children to work as she had each of the 2 babies which wasn't ideal but workable and one or other of us made sure we were home by 6. Now that probably did have an impact on mine and my ex husband's careers but many men and women make that choice. My brother leaves his NHS consultant post most days when he's in the hospital by 5.30 because he moved to that job to ensure he had time for his under 5s, a deliberate choice over very long hours and lots of private work.

Totally agree with Xenia about perfectionism being the worst personality trait for being a mother.

No parent should ever think of Controlling their children, and most of us find our children unpredictable and in my case, ungovernable as well. I am guilty of tending towards perfectionism and detailed work. Pre-children, I could indulge that at work to my heart's content. This is part of the reason why I found the adjustment to motherhood difficult. With a dd born with a serious heart condition and a clingy and difficult temperament to boot, there was so little I could control and had to work so hard for what often appeared to be an unhappy baby anyway. I used to have to carry my dd all the time and walk from room to room to keep her entertained. All I could see was the piles of housework in each room that needed doing which I would not be given the chance to. Imagine my relief when I got dd settled at nursery (much to my surprise) and went back to the sanctuary of work with a nice income to boot.

finefatmama: "We had MBTI thingy in which soome 'types' will be unhappy with the stay at home decision. They will be equally unhappy when they are not in leadership positions at work and are very tricky to manage. Some types are suited to staying at home and when they are at work will not be very ambitious either." It sounds a little stereotypical, but I think there is some truth in it. I could not tolerate the chaos of being at home, in anything other than limited amounts.

I think there women are probably tending more towards perfectionism because we have fewer children. I know I fussed more with my first child. It wasn't just the precious first born syndrome. It was that I had too much time on my hands If I'd had six kids under 10 I'd have been much more brisk and less reflective.

I do think the logistics do get harder with schoolage children. When little, ft childcare usually means 8 to 6. Once they start school, their day ends at 3 pm. And then the activities after school that need ferrying to and from. Plus you usually have more than one by then, with a split school run to negotiate, like now I have ds in nursery and dd in school with different hours and locations.

My solution has been an aupair. I thought whether to cut my hours to do the 3 pm pickup but the fact is the loss of an hour a day's pay was far more than the cost of an aupair. I find live-in help the easiest way to deal with the split day schoolrun duties, whereas when both dd and ds were at nursery, I could cope on my own doing the schoorun.