anyone give up a career to stay at home and regret it?

[mostlymay]

I'm in a real dilemma as to what to do. I have a great job but its long hours and very very stressful and was planning on returning to work when all of a sudden its hit me HOW much I love my baby and how much I want to stay at home with her for as long as possible. DH says we can just about cope financially as long as roof doesn't collapse and he doesn't lose his job etc even though I'd have to pay back maternity money so if I want to I can which is amazing as so many women DON'T have this choice.. But has anyone been in this situation, then regretted it.. I feel a bit weird about being financially reliant on DH and giving up a career I've spent so long working at establishing.. but I love spending time with my baby.. Any experiences please?

micegg - I too wondered about this before giving up work. It was an issue for us as I have always been the main breadwinner in the household too, so it did mean a big change.
DH has been happy for me to stay at home, but he is a great believer in a family home and a good family life.

Also for us, we are saving on full time nursery fees or a nanny, my seasonal train ticket and parking at the station, we no longer have a cleaner, ironing sent out, gardener or dogwalker etc and at the same time as I stopped bringing home so much money we sold the house and downsized. So all of these things added up to a huge shift in our spending power, which meant that my giving up work was just one of the things going on at the time.

What made it easier for us was the moving further out from London - longer commute but for only one person, and you get more house for your money too.

DH doesn't seem to mind my not earning money - his life is considerably easier now as I am around to do stuff for him during the day, and we dont' have the hassle of childcare and pickup times.

IMO it's a really big issue working out when the additional logistics and expense of having two jobs outweigh the benefit of having two incomes.

"I go through periods of feeling that I have painted myself into the 1950s, and that I've faded into a background shadowy figure who facilitates everyone else's life while they can go out into the world and forget about me."

This is a critical issue IMO.

Personally, I don't think it's a fatality. But I think you have to work quite hard at keeping abreast of the world when you SAHM - the world no longer arrives on your doorstep in the way it does when you have to constantly problem solve at work.

I gave up a career to SAH and don't regret it a jot. It took me a couple of years to adjust and I felt isolated at first but now it is a real freedom to be home, especially with school age kids. They are so happy when you pick them up from school and can attend plays etc. I have the energy to play with them and do stuff after school (didn't really when I was working as was so tired and needed time to self). You are so replaceable to your boss but not to your kids. I have started an OU degree to keep the brain going and for future career prospects should the need arise to get a job. For now though staying home is the best choice I ever made (other than having the kids in the first place!!) I am a better person, less competetive and materialistic.

Just to add, about the being dependent on DH, i did struggle with that for a while but soon realised that we saved quite abit with me not working (dropped a second car, no childcare, work clothes etc) and that he depends on me as much as I did him (he would have alot to pay for childcare without me doing it). People are all dependent on each other in this society whether for a wage, a job, childcare etc etc, is there really anything wrong with dependency in marriage to a certain extent anyway. We just have a joint account and take what we need, it's no issue.

I spent a year at home just after my DS was born (8 years ago) after running my own business with DH. I missed having anything to do, and really resented being stuck at home with the baby. So, went back to work full-time when DS was 1.
DD came along 4 years later, due to mad circumstances at work, I only had one week off! and brought baby to work with me for next 3 months, and took some work home etc.
Since then, been working full time.

I am planning at the very least to go part-time from September, so will work only mornings during school terms. I am almost scared to give up work, for all the reasons earlier stated. My mum has already said am i going to be a 'lady of leisure'.
But at the moment its a real stuggle, both working long hours, rushing to do nursery/after school pick up; tea, homework, cleaning, etc. Doesn't seem to be much of a life.
We are really hoping that with me taking on more of the home/chilren chores, DH will then be able to do all the travel and things which are difficult when you're relying on childcare etc.

I agree with Anna - again!

I don't feel isolated at all because I have loads of friends around me and I'm on the PTA which gives me that 'working with a team to achieve something' aspect of life (I work for myself in my office at home, so while that gives me income adn professional recognition, it doesn't give me the 'colleague' interaction part).

I am still me - I don't feel as though I've lost my identity at all - but I can see how it would be easy to if you were confined to the house all day with nothing to do.

Read Affluenza by Oliver James. Just finished it and it has really made me think. His main point is that we are so programmed to equate our worth with what we earn/own/our jobs that giving it up for motherhood (which is sadly undervalued in our society) is made very difficult.

If you can give it up financially, and your instinct tells you it is the right thing to do, then do it. Plenty of time for career later. So you dont reach the absolute top - does that really really matter?

CoolYerBoots - you mean that living rurally, rather than in the cut and thrust of a big city, cuts you off from life more than were you to SAHM in London/Paris/New York?

Yes, you may be right. I had rural fantasies for a while but have completely abandoned them for the time being. I would worry about becoming a country bumpkin and feeling sidelined...

Oh and I gave up a fantastically well paid and prestigious job in the city to be a SAHM and have never regretted it for a moment. Less designer handbags and weekend trips to Paris but I get to hang out with dd all the time which is way more fun.

Yes, I can see how living rurally in the place you longed to escape from as a teenager could have quite severe drawbacks . Like you became your own person and then you had to give her up again?

CoolYerBoots - I don't think it is a hijack, I think you raised a very valuable point - that your geographical location has a huge impact on the continuing opportunities you have in life as a SAHM.

Hmm, well I live in the sticks (so to speak), well it's a very small town but I have to say, I haven't really felt all that isolated tbh. Have got stuck in with the local toddler group and now with the school (and I'm not the wilting wallflower type anyway) but, I am starting (after 5 years) to feel a bit, not bored, but needing to do something that doesn't involve children. In short, I think I need a job to focus on.
To miceggg, in answer to your question, I don't really feel that being a SAHM has changed the dynamics of my relationship with dh too much but, after years of being in charge of my own finances, I DO miss having my own money. I really loathe having to ask for extra, no matter how much dh protests that it's not a problem.

Don't do it. You will regret it, your husband won't thank you and nor will your children.

'What message will you be sending your daughter if you just stay at home?' Indeed. I am sure my children get a better example than woman as unpaid servant to man. You will regret it later if you give up work. What about instead your other half gives up work? Might that work as an option?

I had a pretty senior job that I gave up and have been a SAHM for the past 4 years.
I don't regret it for a minute. In my career I was always throwing myself into completely new projects. I've always seen motherhood as just another new challenge. There is so much I've needed to learn - about looking after the kids, how to cook, how to keep house (wasnt even slightly domestic before).
OK, I do have a tendency to put together complicated spreadsheets to analyse important purchasing decisions like prams etc .

I think you can have it all - just not all at the same time. I love the career I had, I love what I'm doing now. What's next when the kids are in school - who knows, but I figure it'll work itself out somehow.

Great to read all this - finished high-stress, high-pay job for mat leave number 2 (been back FT pretty much since DD was 5.5 months) today and am over the f-ing moon. Not going back (though obviously haven't told them that yet). My thoughts were that I'll never get this time again, and working has been sheer hell (but made sense financially and to get mat leave again). I don't think wanting to spend time with your children should ever be seen as a bad thing!

Agree with Xenia.
And think it's a bit off to suggest that the only way to "put your child first" is to stay at home with them.
Or maybe it is, but maybe ALWAYS putting them first is not such a good thing [runs for cover]

If you REALLY want to be home with your baby (and maybe have another?) and you can afford it, it makes sense to do so and return to work later when she/they are older. Otherwise you will only have half a mind on your job and you will be torn, working because you SHOULD rather than because you want to.

I love the balance that a parttime job provides. I feel very fortunate to have this option. It allows me to dip in and out of childcare and professional life, without getting burnt out in either world. The key is a truly flexible job (rather than one where you end up cramming 5 full days into whatever pt hours you work) and earning enough to pay for ft childcare and cleaning services.

Just had my appraisal at work and feeling very happy about this. I have always taken the full year off on maternity for both dcs and then gone back pt.

The difficulty with a stint of SAHM-dom is that unless it is fairly short (less than 2 years' max?) many jobs don't allow you to step off and step back on without a substantial discount when you try to get back on, especially on a pt basis. By keeping my foot in the employment market at all times, I have only taken a slight discount for moving to a flex role and pro-ration but still take home a very good wage, just a fraction below dh, though his career will continue to take off whilst mine has naturally stalled.

Also, I feel it very important to be able to support my family should my dh not be around for whatever reason. We won't be pushed into poverty if we had to live on one income - I have the option of gearing up again. And ploughing away loads into my pension, upgrading our property and saving for my dcs when they are 18. Financial security allows me to sleep at night.

Also, children need the parents around throughout their lives, not necessarily more when they are below 5. I keep hearing from more experienced mothers than their dcs need them more than ever at school age and teenagers. Hence, choose the option that is sustainable in the long term, not just one which allows you to stay with dcs when they are young but leaves a big question mark when they are past 5 as to whether you can get a decent job.

A spot on summary of the issues, Blueshoes.

Mostly... i've just read the first couple of your posts. I would say do it. I went back to work full time after both mine. This was 15 years ago and I regret it to this day. I should have stayed home with my LOs when I could. DO IT.