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Original poster

Partner reluctant for me to work post pregnancy

28 replies

Barem · 22/05/2022 20:58

Hi all of you out there,
I wondered if I could get some advice on a situation that I’m currently in…
I have a 15 month old baby who will start nursery in August. I currently work only one day a week and am hoping to pick up at least an additional day.
My partner is currently receiving income support and, as we have recently moved apartments, is also renting out the apartment which he owns.
He tells me repeatedly that I should be grateful for him providing more money than me, but does not want me to earn my own money as he thinks it’s unfair if he has to look after our son any more than he does. I understand that he does not want to do the lions share with our son and usually I have to bargain that if I go to work he gets to have an evening or day free to do something that he likes to do.
I don’t live in the same country as my family so cannot ask anyone for child care help but his family live in walking distance from us.
I don’t know what to do. I feel a little trapped and helpless. Has anyone experienced anything similar after pregnancy?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 22/05/2022 21:00

I understand that he does not want to do the lions share with our son and usually I have to bargain that if I go to work he gets to have an evening or day free to do something that he likes to do.

What attracted you to this prince among men?

VioletHills · 22/05/2022 21:02

He doesn't get to pick and choose when he is a parent.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/05/2022 21:04

Has anyone experienced anything similar after pregnancy?

Errr, no-because I didn’t have a baby with a selfish arse! I feel sorry for you-this is a rubbish attitude from him.

passport123 · 22/05/2022 21:05

He's a dick. And you say partner - not husband? If you're not married and you downsize your career you're in a very precarious position.

Honestly? Consider whether you should leave him, claim CSA. Sounds like you've got two children there so having just one will be easier.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/05/2022 21:08

usually I have to bargain that if I go to work he gets to have an evening or day free to do something that he likes to do

wtf. When he goes to work, does he bargain with you so that you get an evening or day free to do something you’d like to do?

AliceW89 · 22/05/2022 21:08

I’m confused

To clarify - does your DH go out to work or does his money solely come from a combination of renting out the flat and income support? Is he at home all the time if not at work?

If the baby is starting nursery in August, why would he need to be picking up more slack anyway?

pizzaand · 22/05/2022 21:09

Is he declaring the rent he receives? The wages that you get will be deducted from his income support.

Melonportal · 22/05/2022 21:12

I'd be surprised if he's still entitled to claim income support when he declares his rental income. Is he looking for work?

Runkle · 22/05/2022 21:25

Has anyone experienced anything similar after pregnancy?
NO. And I'm astonished that in this day and age someone could be experiencing this and have to question it. Please get help.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 22/05/2022 21:28

Absolutely do not rely on this man to support you financially. Go back to work and maintain your independence. It sounds like you will need it. Flowers

Herejustforthisone · 22/05/2022 21:38

LittleBearPad · 22/05/2022 21:00

I understand that he does not want to do the lions share with our son and usually I have to bargain that if I go to work he gets to have an evening or day free to do something that he likes to do.

What attracted you to this prince among men?

Quite. Fucking hell….

He’s an absolute joke.

Original poster
Barem · 23/05/2022 04:46

He doesn’t go out to work, just cleaning his apartment in-between guests. He says that as he contributes more financially he shouldn’t have to do more than me with our son but I can’t contribute more unless I work more so I’m in a bit of a fix 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Barem · 23/05/2022 04:49

The company that he worked for closed down so, here in Scandinavia, he is able to receive a portion of his missed earnings for a year and allowed to rent out his apartment as it doesn’t technically count as ‘at work’ somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barem · 23/05/2022 04:51

The company that he worked for closed down so, here in Scandinavia, he is able to receive a portion of his missed earnings for a year and allowed to rent out his apartment. He thinks that I’m not happy for him to earn money this way but that’s not true, I just want the opportunity to earn money for myself also.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barem · 23/05/2022 04:59

I’ve considered leaving him but I’m not in a great situation here to do so. He has a full time income, owns his own property and has family close by for support, whereas I have none of these. Rental costs and child care are very expensive here and I don’t know how I will cover it alone as I will not receive a great amount of financial support for coparenting 50/50. I just feel a little trapped and helpless. This may also be a little post partum depression and sleep deprivation so sometimes I’m not sure if I make my partners actions towards me worse in my head than they really are?? That’s why I asked on here for all of your advice ❤️

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 23/05/2022 05:10

Work seriously towards splitting. In your country what does that normally look like in terms of your child. Will he get 50/50? Will he want 50/50? Then at least you could work.

What country are you in? Mumsnetters come from all over and someone from where you are will help.

Try to find out what services you should see? Ask work for help with what to do next. Don't talk to him about your plans just work on them quietly. Get everything sorted first.

What age does child care / school start? I'm in France and school starts at 3 here and child care is very affordable and subsidized. In the UK it's very expensive and a lot more women stop working when they have kids. It's a very different depending on the culture.

When his year is up what is his plan?

I'm sure everyone here will help you but as you can see we don't have very much information.

Tothepoint99 · 23/05/2022 05:11

I cannot fathom anyone who wants their partner to work less. It's a selfish ploy, to justify his bizarre way of equating how much money he brings in to how LITTLE "childcare" (of his own child) he has to do.

You're slowly going to lose options in life if you don't either leave or insist that you work more hours.

He's got it cushy, own home he could move back into and leave you high and dry. Protect yourself and child.

Tothepoint99 · 23/05/2022 05:14

Also, questioning how bad he is in your head vs reality shows how much of a hold he has on your psychologically already.

This is not equitable.

ElenaSt · 23/05/2022 05:19

Not helpful I know but you should never of had a baby with this horrible man.

Do they have the equivalent of citizens advice in Scandinavia, so you can find out what help you can get if you are a single parent?

Fleur405 · 23/05/2022 05:51

No, the problem is not your hormones. He doesn’t want you to go to work because (a) he doesn’t want to spend time looking after his own child even though he is not working at the moment and (b) he wants you to be “grateful” for what he provides (I.e wants to control you and your relationship). Objectively, he’s really not a very nice man and your relationship does not sound healthy.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 23/05/2022 06:17

This situation won't improve. At the very least you need to go back to work. I understand leaving him might not be straightforward, is coming home to your own country feasible at all?

ChairCareOh · 23/05/2022 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ScootsMcHoy · 23/05/2022 06:56

You are not in a good situation if you don't leave either! In fact I'd say your situation is worse staying with him.

I'm shocked at how he is treating you and I would imagine that it's going to get worse, not better.

How will you feel when he inevitable starts being unkind to your child and your child understands what's happening?

He's already treating the baby like an inconvenience.

You need to get out now. Where are your family and friends?

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 23/05/2022 08:54

Hi OP.

He is a terrible partner and father.

Get yourself over to the relationship board as this is not really a work issue. You'll get good advise and support.

BigCheeseSandwich · 23/05/2022 09:56

So he wants to do as little work - either professionally or as a father - as possible, while not wanting you to work?

Utterly depressing. Why on earth do women end up with these useless men? Please take yourself over to the relationships board.