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Original poster

DD subjected to horrendous sexual harrassment at work by chefs

79 replies

thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 20:52

My DD 17 started working at a nice (?) country house hotel a couple of months ago. She really loved it to begin with but now she is not wanting to go in for her shifts. She finally told me what it was really like working there - the chefs swear and belittle her (and the other waitresses) on a daily basis. They use foul and sexual language all the time. They tell her to Fing take the food. When she said something back to one of them the head chef told her to - just do your Fing job! You're irrelevant here! She said she had to go away and cry for 20 mins. As you can imagine I am absolutely fuming. This is not all of it either. The rest is really too disgusting and upsetting to repeat. She doesn't want me to speak to the Manager she wants to earn money to save for a car - but I am going to have to. What would you do?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 09/05/2022 20:58

The hospitality industry is notorious for this. If she’s being told to “take the effing food” she’s going to need to toughen up. If she’s being sexually harassed then she needs to complain but understand that it probably won’t be viable for her to work there. On the plus side, her compensation for sex discrimination at tribunal should be enough to buy a car

whatever, she needs to tackle it herself and not for you to wade in

DogsAndGin · 09/05/2022 20:59

Kitchens are harsh, nasty environments - never known one not to be full of cocaine.

Kittyshopping · 09/05/2022 21:00

Have her vote with her feet. Walk away.

SirChenjins · 09/05/2022 21:00

I had similar with my DD at that age - it was horrendous. My instinct was to go down to the shop and give the manager an absolute bollocking but she begged me not to. I didn’t and I told her not to go back - I was not going to subject her to that any longer. Still wish I’d done something though (Deichman, I’m looking at you Angry).

EvilPea · 09/05/2022 21:01

I’ve always worked in male orientated environments where this is considered normal.

it shouldn’t be. First job was a baptism of fire!

what kind of nice hotel is it? is it a chain that has an HR department?

i’ll be honest, they’ve rarely been that interested. I’ve had more success giving lip back though, some times I’ve felt able to, some times not.

to be honest I’d probably just look for another job if I was her, waitressing is high in demand at the moment.

tricky one but having managed teams including 16 year olds, I’m not sure how I’d feel about a phone call from mum.

prettylittlethingss · 09/05/2022 21:04

I'd say maybe she should look for other jobs and keep going until she gets one?

IME (as wrong as it is) this is a pretty normal kitchen environment. And if you speak to her manager it would be quite embarrassing on her behalf and the staff may take the piss.

However sexual harassment (dependant on whether it's a few comments or if it's physical) is a different level. (Although still extremely common in industry. And by no means is it acceptable, it's just how it is)

Traumdeuter · 09/05/2022 21:04

Ugh, this has taken me back 20 years to when I worked in a naice restaurant kitchen and the chefs were exactly the same. And coked up most of the time as @DogsAndGin says. All chefs and bartenders male, and all the waiting staff were young and female. It was horrific, and I put up with it for the money.

unfortunatley I don’t think your involvement would change anything and would probably make it worse. She needs to leave, or put up with it.

prettylittlethingss · 09/05/2022 21:04

Maybe she could look for a Saturday girl in a shop? I was a Saturday girl in a jewellery shop from 16.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/05/2022 21:05

I would help her fight back, start keeping a record of what is being said, when and by who. Will the other serving staff bear witness, are they being treated the same? Maybe she could covertly record it. Then make a formal complaint and if they don't action it or fire her, lodge a employment tribunal case. Show her how to defend herself in this world.
landaulaw.co.uk/sexual-harassment-at-work/

GrandRapids · 09/05/2022 21:07

Ah I see there has been no progression in the last 25 years....

I had the same thing when I was a 15 yr old waitress. The chef was an obnoxious pig.

I left and never waitressed again!

MrsWooster · 09/05/2022 21:09

If she wants to work in catering then tolerating being told to do your fucking job s unfortunately par for the course. If it’s actual sexual insults or harassment then go straight to hr if there is one and, if not, leave a detailed and explicit review of what conditions are really like at this nice country house hotel.

EmpressoftheMundane · 09/05/2022 21:09

This is typical. Chefs and bartenders harass the wait staff.

‘Twas the same 30 years ago when I was waitressing at university, on another continent. Kitchens are high pressure places. There is foul language and aggression. Lots of posturing and dominance.

I was treated in ways I wouldn’t want my daughters to be.

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 21:10

It’s just pants isn’t it? I said they’re prob on drugs - she said one of them is drunk most of the time. It’s just crap - one minute you're teaching them to be kind and respectful the next minute they get stamped all over! I know if I get involved she would lose her job she said her immediate manager is just as bad and hugely inappropriate one way or another. It’s such a shame because she loves the customers and was happy to find the job in a nice place. I’m so angry that these little sh£ts have ruined it and will keep doing it!

OP posts:
YouWhatLove · 09/05/2022 21:12

What sexual harassment has she been subjected to? That’s obviously hugely out of order and needs immediate reporting to HR. Being told to take the fucking plate, that you’re fucking useless etc is standard kitchen stuff though. It’s not nice and it’s not acceptable in most other work environments but it’s not sexual harassment. When I’ve worked in kitchen I’ve always found if you stand up for yourself and talk back you very quickly get a lot less shit. It’s a baptism of fire if it’s her first job out of school though.

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 21:12

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/05/2022 21:05

I would help her fight back, start keeping a record of what is being said, when and by who. Will the other serving staff bear witness, are they being treated the same? Maybe she could covertly record it. Then make a formal complaint and if they don't action it or fire her, lodge a employment tribunal case. Show her how to defend herself in this world.
landaulaw.co.uk/sexual-harassment-at-work/

Thanks for the info ohsugarhiney - good advice - and IF she goes back I’ll see if she can record anything

OP posts:
Original poster
thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 21:13

Honey sorry 😁

OP posts:
PattyMelt · 09/05/2022 21:16

Poor kid I'd encourage her to quit and get a different job. When the manager asks why she's leaving have her unload on him.
I worked in. kitchen at 16 I'm glad the chef was a woman, she was lovely and her husband was front of house and just s nice. Not all nice restaurants have rude chefs.

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 21:17

YouWhatLove · 09/05/2022 21:12

What sexual harassment has she been subjected to? That’s obviously hugely out of order and needs immediate reporting to HR. Being told to take the fucking plate, that you’re fucking useless etc is standard kitchen stuff though. It’s not nice and it’s not acceptable in most other work environments but it’s not sexual harassment. When I’ve worked in kitchen I’ve always found if you stand up for yourself and talk back you very quickly get a lot less shit. It’s a baptism of fire if it’s her first job out of school though.

she said when her and another waiter went to get them all a macdonalds the chefs asked her why it took her so long - was she s£&@ng his d£&k ? She said they just talk all the time about women in a really horrible way - they’ve told her she is just desperate ( because she gets in with some of the waiters)

OP posts:
LethargeMarg · 09/05/2022 21:18

You haven't given a specific example of sexual harassment which is very serious if happening in the workplace . Bad language and rudeness is pretty unpleasant but is not unusual in kitchens . I think it's very important to be clear which this is .

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 21:18

Excuse the typos blooming auto correct !

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 09/05/2022 21:18

record it, video would be better and several different occasions without anyone knowing
put it on tiktok - obviously not in her name...
let the establishments management know....again somehow that doesn't let on who did this

sit back and watch what happens

ivykaty44 · 09/05/2022 21:19

if video no faces on view

LethargeMarg · 09/05/2022 21:20

Sorry just seen update. That's definitely out of order .

romdowa · 09/05/2022 21:22

The hospitality industry is crying out for staff. She has the experience now , encourage her to find another job and then I'd leave a nice review for the place online.

EvilPea · 09/05/2022 21:23

she Needs to give it back

“Maybe if you’d gone with, he’d have sucked yours”