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Original poster

DD subjected to horrendous sexual harrassment at work by chefs

79 replies

thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 20:52

My DD 17 started working at a nice (?) country house hotel a couple of months ago. She really loved it to begin with but now she is not wanting to go in for her shifts. She finally told me what it was really like working there - the chefs swear and belittle her (and the other waitresses) on a daily basis. They use foul and sexual language all the time. They tell her to Fing take the food. When she said something back to one of them the head chef told her to - just do your Fing job! You're irrelevant here! She said she had to go away and cry for 20 mins. As you can imagine I am absolutely fuming. This is not all of it either. The rest is really too disgusting and upsetting to repeat. She doesn't want me to speak to the Manager she wants to earn money to save for a car - but I am going to have to. What would you do?

OP posts:
Unihorn · 09/05/2022 22:04

Nothing to do with Gordon Ramsay, this is just a normal hospitality environment unfortunately. My husband and I met working in restaurants, through no doubt hugely inappropriate conversations and horrific "banter", and got out as soon as we could. We will encourage our children to go into retail or basically anything that is not catering when they look at part time jobs.

To be honest my years in hospitality massively shaped me as a person and I'm far more resilient and hard-working than I probably would've been, but I certainly wouldn't recommend it, it's toxic.

Newgirls · 09/05/2022 22:04

Loads of jobs in hospitality - she should leave right away and tell the hotel manager why.

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 09/05/2022 22:06

I have 2 DDs who work in hospitality, this is completely normal sadly. They have had numerous jobs as well so it's not just a one off. Sadly as women of the this generation they have to put up and shut up if they want to keep a job

Newgirls · 09/05/2022 22:06

And it isn’t the norm these days. Places can’t get the staff so are treating them better. Female chef led places tend to be better too.

i worked in bars and pubs and never had grief like this.

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 22:10

I appreciate all your comments. It is an extremely toxic environment for her to be in and her immediate boss is very much part of the problem. Sadly they have been taken over by a large management company so I can't see it getting any better. I hope I am wrong but with the shortage of chefs and the culture within hospitality I very much doubt it.

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worriedaboutmoney2022 · 09/05/2022 22:12

That's awful I'd phone the police never mind the manager and she'll easily get another job I wouldn't send her back there at all x

2pinkginsplease · 09/05/2022 22:14

Unfortunately the hospitality industry either makes you or breaks you.

This is so wrong but chefs are arseholes at the best of times. Your dd either needs to toughen up and answer them back or find a new job

I'm thankful I've usually worked with better chefs however my ds has came across a few arseholes! Thankfully he's pretty tough and just told them to fuck off and speak to him a bit better than they do it he would be reporting them.

PosyPearlPeach · 09/05/2022 22:18

What a shocking indictment of modern life that we tell women to accept this behaviour or leave the job.
Record them. Seek legal advice and record them..

ssd · 09/05/2022 22:20

Ive worked in a kitchen. This is typical. Id let her leave at once.

yumscrumfatbum · 09/05/2022 22:21

My son worked washing up in a local pub from aged 15. This was his experience too, landlord was a drunk and particularly vile. My son stuck it out for a couple of years because the money was good. Chefs came and went. My brother was a chef for many years and as a teen I used to kitchen porter for him at times, it was brutal!

BabbleBee · 09/05/2022 22:23

My DD had a p/t job in a restaurant in a store when she was 17, and experienced similar. She broke down at college and told her tutor who contacted me. I knew she wasn’t happy in the job but didn’t know why. Loads of lewd comments from the male kitchen staff, and the front of house manager squeezed himself unnecessarily behind her. College safeguarding got involved, I insisted DD left (as did college) and when she had her exit interview I went with her to support her disclosing why she was leaving. The money wasn’t worth it, not at all.

RachelshouldvegonetoParis · 09/05/2022 22:25

I used to work as a waitress and was bullied by the chef. The attitude that you need to toughen up and give it back is one I always hated.

why do we need to mould ourselves to the male culture? Why is the way men treat themselves the standard that we have to adhere to?

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 22:33

Exactly - life really shouldn't be about who can be the most horrible!
Not great for productivity either I shouldn't think.
It's so sad to hear of all these people who have experienced the same as teenagers, or indeed at any age. I've told DD (who insists she is going back at the moment) to say to the chef that she will report him if he speaks to her like that. She says she will but I can't see her lasting there long one way or another her self esteem and confidence is low generally at the moment.

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Porseb · 09/05/2022 22:40

I remember reading about this a few years ago - just because it happens doesn't mean it should be tolerated or accepted.

www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/sisters-sexually-harassed-by-kfc-colleague-who-ignored-pleas-to-stop-win-payout-34970758.html

HemanOrSheRa · 09/05/2022 22:50

I'm not sure it is just a male environment thing. My son worked as a KP in a long standing small local business run by a woman and got treated like crap. It was really awful. He wanted to earn money during the summer after leaving school and was prepared to work. I told him to leave in the end. So he left and went to Maccy d's. He loved it for a while but soon got fed up of the general twatishness and vile behaviour of shift managers. They want their pound of flesh from young kids, unfortunately. He was designated as the one to deal with rude, violent and aggressive customer. He's very resilient but it took it's toil. There's only so much that teens can take.

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 09/05/2022 23:28

Porseb · 09/05/2022 22:40

I remember reading about this a few years ago - just because it happens doesn't mean it should be tolerated or accepted.

www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/sisters-sexually-harassed-by-kfc-colleague-who-ignored-pleas-to-stop-win-payout-34970758.html

Thanks Porseb - good to read - glad they took them to court - not many do I'm sure

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mathanxiety · 10/05/2022 00:07

This is something that probably won't ever happen, but how great would it be if there was some sort of MeToo movement for female and other insulted and harassed wait staff, with restaurants named and shamed and boycotted by women?

ivykaty44 · 10/05/2022 07:39

mathanxiety

thats why it should be recorded and uploaded online to social media

that way customer can be made aware of how staff are being treated

MiddleParking · 10/05/2022 07:54

As a teenager I worked a waitress with a kitchen that was like this, and two kitchens that weren’t at all. It’s not a given, it’s a choice on behalf of the management, which means trying to change it at the current place is sadly likely to be a dead end, but changing jobs might well be the way to go.

RestingPandaFace · 10/05/2022 08:09

Whilst it’s important to fight things like this when and if you can, it’s also a vital life lesson to get out of a toxic culture early.

The reality is that not all kitchens are like this, she probably can’t change it, and there are lots of hospitality vacancies at the moment and she’ll be seen as acceptable collateral damage to keep the chef.

If this was my daughter I would tell her to write a list of all the things that have been said that she never wants to hear again, and the very next time she hears one to walk out in the middle of service.

After she’s gone you can either take the list in to the GM to discuss it with them, or send it to their head office. She never needs to know, and whilst she won’t be taken seriously, you might.

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 10/05/2022 11:28

RestingPandaFace · 10/05/2022 08:09

Whilst it’s important to fight things like this when and if you can, it’s also a vital life lesson to get out of a toxic culture early.

The reality is that not all kitchens are like this, she probably can’t change it, and there are lots of hospitality vacancies at the moment and she’ll be seen as acceptable collateral damage to keep the chef.

If this was my daughter I would tell her to write a list of all the things that have been said that she never wants to hear again, and the very next time she hears one to walk out in the middle of service.

After she’s gone you can either take the list in to the GM to discuss it with them, or send it to their head office. She never needs to know, and whilst she won’t be taken seriously, you might.

Thank you RestingPandaFace and everyone that’s really good advice

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Original poster
thistimeofyear · 11/05/2022 10:09

Small update - the Manager has been sacked. Nothing to do with us but I like to believe in karma 😀

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crashingagainandagain · 11/05/2022 10:24

Vile. She must dread going in… why is she putting up with this?

Encourage her to look for a better place to work.

PeekAtYou · 11/05/2022 10:36

I'd encourage her to get a different job.

My dd started working as a barista when she was 17 and while there is snappiness during a rush, it's not swearing and drunk/high colleagues. It's a female dominated independent business which I think helps.

My ds started working in retail at that age and experienced similar to his sister. There is snappiness when things go wrong but it sounds like they do their best to muddle on and it's not personal. This was a National chain and I think it might have helped that there were lots of people his age.

Unfortunately she needs to expect a certain amount of crap treatment because it's minimum wage but there's a big difference between being asked to cover a shift at short notice and being sworn at.

Original poster
thistimeofyear · 11/05/2022 10:53

crashingagainandagain · 11/05/2022 10:24

Vile. She must dread going in… why is she putting up with this?

Encourage her to look for a better place to work.

She hasn't actually been back yet because her shifts are at the weekend. I have told her of course I would rather she didn't and that this is not something she ever has to put up with. However she has made work friends and gets on with the other waitresses and waiters who she says are all really nice. It's easy to say look for another job but when you are not very confident and 17 it takes quite a lot. This is her 3rd hospitality job - she worked for Zizzis but the supervisor was horrible she said and she tried Macdonalds but didn't like it. Nothing wrong with Macdonalds management or staff - think they are pretty good as regards training and good practice etc - it just didn't suit her.

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