DD subjected to horrendous sexual harrassment at work by chefs

[thistimeofyear]

My DD 17 started working at a nice (?) country house hotel a couple of months ago. She really loved it to begin with but now she is not wanting to go in for her shifts. She finally told me what it was really like working there - the chefs swear and belittle her (and the other waitresses) on a daily basis. They use foul and sexual language all the time. They tell her to Fing take the food. When she said something back to one of them the head chef told her to - just do your Fing job! You're irrelevant here! She said she had to go away and cry for 20 mins. As you can imagine I am absolutely fuming. This is not all of it either. The rest is really too disgusting and upsetting to repeat. She doesn't want me to speak to the Manager she wants to earn money to save for a car - but I am going to have to. What would you do?

Ok can I ask why no faces just out if interest - is they because you can’t record without permission ?

Think that would just encourage it

Agree. There are so many jobs available and not all kitchens are like this. Catering can be a brilliant job for a teenager- fantastic for camaraderie and confidence- but she needs to find a nicer environment.

Assuming you’re in the U.K., it’s perfectly legal to record someone without their permission, though a court or employment tribunal may decline to admit covertly recorded evidence.

I met my husband (a chef) when I was waitressing. He moved away from restaurant work for exactly this reason. It's appalling. We would never want our kids to work in this environment.

@EvilPea No. She does not need to give it back. He/they need to stop speaking like that. Normalising that kind of language and behaviour does nobody any favours. It's bullying, degrading, nasty.

Yes I hope she can. The place has just been taken over but I know there is a real shortage of chefs so they won't be going anywhere soon I suspect. Really want to speak to HR - also if she does leave - I will be writing a detailed review

OK thanks - Yes in the UK

It's bullying though isn't it, which also isn't acceptable. If someone spoke to me in this way in the office I wouldn't tolerate it so no one should have to put up with being treated with a lack of respect just because it's in a kitchen.
I worked in the catering industry for around ten years myself and it had a really negative impact on my confidence. I now work in an area that can at times be ridiculously stressful and yet no one has spoken to me anywhere near as badly as when I worked in the service industry.

I can believe all of this, I first worked as a waitress when I was 14 and some of the disgusting things the chefs and management said to me were just horrific. Lots of sexual harassment and just outright bullying.
Looking back, I thought I was so grown up and took most of the sexual stuff as banter but ultimately left my first job because the maitre-d was just the most horrific bully. A 40-odd year old reducing a 14yo to tears for shits n giggles.
There are other types of jobs, better run restaurants etc. Wholeheartedly encourage her to find something else. She can still save for the car, just elsewhere.

She needs to quit and not put up with it. I worked in a restaurant as a teen (centerparcs) and there was friendly banter but nothing offensive and no sexism. It was actually a great place to work. There are better places out there in hospitality!

So sad how many people have said this is just normal in hospitality. Why is this allowed? Is this the Gordon Ramsay effect, where you just talk to people like shit?

My first advice was to leave or speak to Hr

Followed by having worked in male environments for over 20 years if she feels she can give it back and stand up to them.

My first advice was to leave or speak to Hr

Unless you work for a big chain (probably not even then!) no restaurant that I have ever known has a HR

I agree it really should not be allowed to happen - it's not good enough to say she needs to toughen up. That's like saying it's her fault. Let's hope her immediate boss the Food and Beverage Manager will be moving on soon - because I have just discovered a bad review left for him on trip advisor by a customer who said he was very rude

That’s what I said as well.. if they have one.

unless it’s a big chain HR won’t be that interested, they’ll pacify her but she will sadly be disposable. She’s better off just leaving, chalking up to experience and finding somewhere she fits and can actually get on and be happy at work. She’s in demand.

I think it's probably the effect of the overtly masculine kitchen environment. I was a waitress for a few years whilst at uni and every kitchen I worked in was the same. They were all fucked on drugs and drink, and they all thought they were Marco Pierre White. The pressure in some of the kitchens was enormous.

To an extent I agree with @EvilPea - I only started to get a modicum of respect when I started to give some of the verbal abuse back to the chefs. But it was a horrible environment to be in at times, and my friend and I have since reflected on the enormous amounts of sexual harassment we endured at the time, and subsequently normalised. I'd never recommend entering the trade to my DD.

I was treated like this I'm hospitality in the late 90s and 00s. It's not a job I'd want for my daughter.

Kitchen environments are absolutely toxic. I'd get her out of there.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a common problem in kitchens or not. It needs to stop. You can’t excuse it by saying that’s what happens in that environment. She doesn’t need to be more resilient, she needs to be treated better.
Waitressing typically attracts teenagers, we shouldn’t be allowing our children to be treated like this. We wouldn’t tolerate it at work, why should our teens?

Would your daughter feel able to speak to someone higher up?
Does she have any support at work?

This isn’t ok! Even being told “just do your f’ing job” isn’t an acceptable way to speak to people (male or female) in 2022. If I said that to someone in an office I’d be fired on the spot.

It’s all male dominated environments without retribution not just kitchens.
its power trips, it was done to them and they pay it forward once in the main role.
it’s encouraged from trainee up

“when I grow up I get to be a bullying cunt as well”

it’s how they get their kudos, if they don’t do it they’ll have the piss taken out of them. So the good guys leave to find somewhere they fit and the arseholes with the same views stay.

birds of a feather flock together.

I totally agree with you.

however, your assuming
a) they aren’t the same
b) they’ll listen and not just pacify her to shut her up, whilst aware the chef earns the money, she doesn’t

they won’t care. It’s sad. But they won’t. She needs to go somewhere she’s valued.

I think this is a tricky one. Sexual harrasment in any way is not acceptable. She can complain but she'll never be comfortable there so it's not worth staying. You need to teach her that she doesn'tneed to put up with this for money. As someone else said, it's an industry that is so short staffed, she will find another job instantly.
However the language used and the way waiting staff are spoken to is normal in this industry. I'm not saying its right, but it is normal and part of the job. Chefs are incredibly stressed and work ridiculous hours. They need staff to just get on with their jobs. Some kitchens and chefs are better than others but you'll never find one where there is no pressure and swearing so she needs to consider if she wants to work in this industry.

Sadly it sounds completely typical of chefs and working in the hospitality industry. The only reason I didn't get the abuse is because I gave back as good as I got instantly.