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Original poster

Employee refusing to come back to work from maternity leave

185 replies

Beurre · 09/04/2022 00:50

I work in the public sector and manage a small team. One of my staff is due to come back from maternity leave next week and has just dropped a bombshell that she's unable to come back as her marriage broke down and she has no childcare. I feel really sorry for this woman as this is her first baby and have suggested to my head of department that we give her some parental leave ( until she secures childcare) given her circumstances. Sadly, my manager doesn't give a shit about anyone and is pushing me to put pressure on this employee to come back even though I know this is almost impossible. Anyone had a similar situation? Surely we can't force this employee to come back when she has no support and is on the verge of a breakdown?

OP posts:
Anna197264 · 09/04/2022 12:50

Even if her marriage has broken down, can’t her original childcare arrangement with the dad stay in place? I think you are being very understanding. She’s lucky to have you on her side.

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2022 12:51

@Anna197264

Even if her marriage has broken down, can’t her original childcare arrangement with the dad stay in place? I think you are being very understanding. She’s lucky to have you on her side.
He’s probably realised it was never going to work.

Nevertheless he should be part of trying to find a solution.

PermanentlyTired03 · 09/04/2022 12:51

It's horrible circumstances but you can't just stay on mat leave forever! Also in public sector. You sign a contract to come back by x date or you pay your mat leave back.
What would she have done about childcare if they'd stayed together? CC usually has very long wait lists so has she just forgotten to organise it.
Someone has to do her job, that's the reality of it! Get signed off with stress or take an unpaid career break- where is the dad in all this?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

RishisPA · 09/04/2022 12:52

@Harridan1981

Surely the ex can still look after the child?
This! Not that it’s her fault if he refuses but what an absolute dick to withdraw that offer and leave her high and dry. If I was her I’d be dropping his baby with him as arranged at 8:30am and picking up at 5:30 until I’d sorted childcare (paid for 50/50 between them). I know life isn’t like this but it’s her ex who’s being a dickhead not her.
Changechangychange · 09/04/2022 12:52

If this is NHS and she doesn’t return, she’ll need to repay her mat pay.

Honestly unless he’d DH literally walked out last week, this is pretty shitty of her. Nurseries have a 12+ month waitlist around here, so she may not even get a spot in September. You can’t expect to look for childcare one week before you go back to work.

Anna197264 · 09/04/2022 12:55

@LittleBearPad I agree. Why does it default to woman to have to sort this. They should try to split 50/50 if there’s no other childcare in place. So frustrating.

rwalker · 09/04/2022 12:55

It's all well and good slagging your manger off for having no empathy but the business still needs to run .
Perhaps offering a solution to your manage of how you can cover the situation with someone who may or may not come back and no date when that could be .

BlueOverYellow · 09/04/2022 12:57

@TheSmallAssassin

She will have built up a load of leave on maternity, so she could take that too. I don't understand why her marriage breaking up means she has no childcare sorted though? What was she going to do if they had stayed together?
Maybe she can no longer afford it all on her own.
titchy · 09/04/2022 12:57

Be careful not to make this into a problem you have to solve OP - you're her manager not her support network.

CharityShopChic · 09/04/2022 13:00

Public sector? She'll probably be able to get away with not going back for months.

Yes her circumstances are tricky but just refusing to return isn't really the answer, is it? Or getting signed off sick which means her job still doesn't get done, and the problem is just kicked down the road a bit?

twinsetandpearl · 09/04/2022 13:03

Her ex is still self employed though so his circumstances haven't changed so why can't he continue to do childcare?

I'm a parent of young children but I'm with your manager on this one sorry

WTF475878237NC · 09/04/2022 13:03

I’d be wondering if she’s been building up to this because she doesn’t want to leave her baby, which is of course understandable but isn’t the employer’s problem.

So she's pretending her marriage has ended?!

Those suggesting her ex continue to be childcare as planned...if he's like most of the men referred to on the relationships board he'd laugh in her face rather than try to facilitate her job now.

WTF475878237NC · 09/04/2022 13:04

If you're on Mumsnet and this is your life OP I'm really sorry he's let you down.

WTF475878237NC · 09/04/2022 13:04

*in the OP

EarringsandLipstick · 09/04/2022 13:08

@titchy

Be careful not to make this into a problem you have to solve OP - you're her manager not her support network.
This
AlternativePerspective · 09/04/2022 13:10

So she's pretending her marriage has ended?! I didn’t say that. But it’s possible the marriage ended longer ago than last week and she has seen this as an opportunity to stay home with the baby.

It’s also entirely possible that the husband still is prepared to do the childcare, but that she is afraid this may give him the upper hand if there is any kind of residency dispute.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/04/2022 13:10

@twinsetandpearl

Her ex is still self employed though so his circumstances haven't changed so why can't he continue to do childcare?

I'm a parent of young children but I'm with your manager on this one sorry

I'd suspect that he's refusing or has simply walked away from his responsibilities. Abusive, selfish people do that sort of thing. It's one of the ways of forcing somebody out of a home or punishing the ex for telling them to leave following violence, for example - financial abuse/blackmail is a very effective tool in a relationship breakdown.

And often they do save it for the very last minute, just to cause maximum distress.

Changechangychange · 09/04/2022 13:11

[quote Anna197264]@LittleBearPad I agree. Why does it default to woman to have to sort this. They should try to split 50/50 if there’s no other childcare in place. So frustrating.[/quote]
I do not for one minute believe that the plan up until last week was for her DH to do 100% of the childcare whilst holding down a FT job, and now the plan is for him to do none. OP is not getting the full story.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/04/2022 13:13

She's actually suggested that I should be less emotional just because I care about my team and their wellbeing

She has a point. And I say that as a manager of a team who has cared too much & have learnt it makes me less effective.

There's a middle ground between your manager's position and yours.

You can be sympathetic & help her with solutions, within the bounds of what's possible.

It's very sad that your colleague's marriage has ended. But to leave it till now to inform you (unless it's just happened, and if so, surely she would have childcare organised?) is very poor.

I would be identifying options for her, and from there, agreeing a return date. The idea that she thinks she can ask to come back 'when she has sorted childcare' is daft. That could be anytime!

I'm amazed you suggested her working from home. That's not fair to her, the baby or your organisation.

starfishmummy · 09/04/2022 13:15

Good worker or not, she has let you know with minimal notice; I would not be impressed. I'd let HR deal with it.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/04/2022 13:16

I do not for one minute believe that the plan up until last week was for her DH to do 100% of the childcare whilst holding down a FT job, and now the plan is for him to do none. OP is not getting the full story.

Agree.

I can totally understand that this woman might be having a very tough time & returning to work might feel impossible for her.

But then she needs to avail of her options eg parental or unpaid leave, get signed off work, get support under Employee Assistant Scheme. Not loosely mention a time she does feel she can come back to work.

And (speaking as a single parent), now more than ever, she needs to secure her employment / finances.

LIZS · 09/04/2022 13:16

When is she due back at work? It all seems rather last minute considering she has used ml and her accrued leave already. You need to direct her straight to hr as this is not a problem you can solve.

Feelingoktoday · 09/04/2022 13:21

Tbh I would be pissed off too. There is a business to run. I’m divorced with children and manage to go to work. It’s terrible stressful. Those advising her to get signed off - blimey - can we all get signed off sick when childcare goes tits up, perhaps she needs to resign and look for something in September.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/04/2022 13:24

@Feelingoktoday

Tbh I would be pissed off too. There is a business to run. I’m divorced with children and manage to go to work. It’s terrible stressful. Those advising her to get signed off - blimey - can we all get signed off sick when childcare goes tits up, perhaps she needs to resign and look for something in September.
Well that's harsh!

If a good employee was facing a personal crisis, and I've had to help many on my team who have, I would do what I could to help. But it's within what's possible for my organisation and the employee equally needs to commit to finding a solution.

I see nothing wrong with her getting signed off work as a temporary measure so that she can organise herself

RiaG91 · 09/04/2022 13:25

I'm afraid I don't have any solutions for you, but I wanted to say well done to you for putting her needs first in your mind and trying to support her.

Instead of telling her to go to the Drs to request a sick note (which would get you in trouble if found out), you could insinuate it. For example, "have you reached out to your doctor to discuss things as I'm sure they'd be able to help in this situation".

Also, do you have an occupational health team internally? If you do, that's another route because they are supposed to ensure that staff are fit for work.

If this lady returns because she feels forced to with no other options (I'm sure she'll be terrified about losing her job on top of her relationship breakdown), then she may well have room for a claim against the company.