Stepping up in your late 40s

[sixthirty]

I'm mid-late 40s and currently working in a pretty easy job. I don't like the phrase "mum job' but I suppose that's essentially what it is - a self contained role with primary school hours, which has served me very well while my children were young, but is quite out of sync with my qualifications and pre-kids work experience. I've now got the opportunity to apply for a much more full on role - it's full time, much more challenging and interesting work, much better paid.

I just can't decide whether to go for it, and I'm interested in other people's experiences of doing something similar at a similar stage in life. It feels like quite a now or never moment, and a big part of me really really wants it. I love working, and it would be a very fulfilling job (if I got it!). But another part of me thinks perhaps I'm nuts. My kids are youngish secondary age, so increasingly independent, but will have important exam years ahead. My husband has quite a high pressure job (though with some wfh flexibility). I've got ageing parents who are largely fine at the moment, but getting frailer. I've had a few pre menopausal twinges, with no idea yet of how hard a menopause I'll have. We don't need the extra money (obviously it would be nice, but we're comfortable without it). Plus, I'd be going against the flow of what most of my female friends are doing - the majority either don't work at all now, or they've scaled back their work so they've got more time to spend walking the dog, or doing hobbies, or in the gym, or working on the house, or meeting up with friends. If I got the job then I would have much less time for any of this kind of stuff (although I don't do that much of it now).

I can't decide whether to go for it, and I haven't got long to decide!

My advice is to go for it. I’ve gone up to full time again in the last 2yrs as my kids are now 14 & 17 and don’t need me as much. In fact the reason I went part time for 10yrs was due to health, but after a major surgery things are better than they were so I decided now was my time. I’ve had a couple of interviews for promotions in the last couple of weeks and really keen to progress. I like to walk the dog and do exercise too, but spending all day doing those kind of things is not for me anyway. Go for it! Good luck

I'm literally about to make the same change - going from a job I can do with my eyes closed to a totally other area of business that feels more like a career/proper job.

I applied when I was feeling bored and thought I would cross the various bridges when I came to them then all of a sudden I was offered it! (gulp).

I had a wobble but thought if I don't do it now, I never will and very likely would regret not giving it a real shot. Very much going from a big fish in a little pond to a tiny fish...

Only difference being is that my DC are a tad older (late teen/early 20). I've not long turned 48 and likely peri but taking some supplements to try to counter the mild symptoms (but will not hesitate to go hrt if needed).

It's my last week at old job next week - I asked new boss for any things I could brush up on/Start looking into before job starts and that has helped me. Although I am super nervous, there's also some excitement there. Old bosses have said if I hate it, I can go back 😊

Yep- I have over the last couple of years (47) now the kids are older teenagers .
I'm really enjoying it.
Still lots to juggle- but it works ok, and I am happy.

It sounds to me that you want to give this a shot OP, and I think you should go for it! You potentially have a good 15 years of working like ahead of you and you should definitely do what you can to make that time as fulfilling as possible.

I am a just a few years younger that you and my youngest is in Y5. I've worked PT for 15 years now but intend to ramp my career back up again once he is in secondary and I'm not longer doing the school run. Personally I think that although PT is great for family life it is actually pretty shit for the person doing it - I exist in a kind of limbo where I am not available enough to join in the SAHM scene that you describe but equally not getting the benefits of being able to fully commit to work.

Like you I don't 'need' to work for personal financial reasons, but I worry about how shit life is going to be for young people in this country given rising costs of living, and by earning more we will be able to increase what we are able to do to help them, which is important to us.

I don’t know. My kids are coming to the end of primary school and although I have maintained a career since I have had them, I’m increasingly of the view that it’s been at the expense of family life and has had quite an impact on their development. I’m not sure it’s really practical for both parents to have careers. A job sounds quite appealing to me at the moment.

As someone who recently stepped up, mid 40s, and is doing a terrible job (and now every fecking weekend is ruined by the level of my stress and anxiety) I wish to fuck I hadn't 🙁

I too had an easy 'mum job' but thought I needed a challenge. What I needed was to appreciate that stress from work is shit, it sux for the family and is really not worth it.

I have a thread at the moment about whether I should quit. What's making me hang in is it's 100% remote and I negotiated hard on the salary (oh the irony of my self belief back then).

But, for me, I'm not up for the challenge. My memory is shit, and I seriously can no longer handle stress the way I used to be able to.

I'd go for it. I'm in my early 40s and always very career driven. I've been given track to the top job in 2 years. I don't see the point of letting someone else be in charge my whole life.

Its hard work but I want to be able to say at the end of my life that I made it all the way. Plus it's more money will make retirement easier.

I don't want to retire young because I think it ages you. Plus I love travel and its a priority for me when the dc leave to go to exciting places in relative comfort. I also plan on a 'sweet spot' when the dc are 10 and 13 up (2years!) To take them on some adventurous holidays which will cost me! I'm not working for the sake of it. I want to live my life.

I figure 40s is young 50s is still fairly game for being at the top of your game.

I enjoy exercise and walking and singing so I doo that too. I don't waste time on cleaning and DIY, I get someone else to do that. So if you did 'step up' you could do a job you enjoy but get a cleaner to reduce domestic drudgery.

Will you be able to WFH at all? That's great for flexibility of seeing your dc when they get home from school and eating together and doing laundry around working.

I’m in the same boat OP. Trying to decide whether to give up my role as a TA to retrain in a more challenging role and earn a good salary. I’ll miss the holidays! But worry about my energy levels and memory now peri has hit. I’m hoping HRT will help but really need to decide in next 4-6 months. The thing is, I’ve lost a lot of confidence so not good at making big decisions. What do your family think? Have you spoken with them and the extra support/ help at home they will need to do?
Let me know if you find a crystal ball and send it my way! Good luck

Am early 50s. Worked PT when DC went to primary school. Youngest DC currently in Y8 and I upped my hours in Sept. It’s been ok but I don’t have much wiggle room. Am going up to FT (promotion) next month and it will be a stretch but we need the money. Sometimes I wish I weren’t doing this (stress) and other times feel really good about stepping back into “real challenging” work. I’m of the “suck it and see” school of thought. Nothing in life is permanent and if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason I won’t have lost anything and can work out next step. If I didn’t do it I think I’d regret it. Good luck; you are not alone.

I cruised along in a reasonable role for 11 years whilst ttc and having a young child. Then I got a more intense serious job, first company too stressful, I was probably the oldest person there, now I’m in another role, older people around me. I earn a massive salary and love the opportunity it brings.

Go for it

I went f/t last summer I've got 2 dc under 10 yrs. Being able to work from home of the day (max in office 5 times a month) means f/t works perfectly for me able to do all the morning school runs then luckily dh or dm can pick up.
It's flexi working so I still meet friends for coffee 3xtimes a month and have time for a walk at lunchtimes.
Financially it's helped a lot. I'm able to get more done so I can help out on other projects too which means I've gained a lot more experience in a very short space of time. I've got an interview for a promotion opportunity next week.
I'd say go for it op especially if you're able to work from home.

I did. Took on a role with much more responsibility at 47. I’d been working full time anyway and unfortunately the pay increase isn’t very big but there is scope for further increases and it’s a new challenge. My career completely stagnated when the dses were young as I worked nights to avoid childcare costs. I switched to days when DS2 moved in to year 8 and increased my hours to full time. I’ve since had 2 promotions and haven’t looked back really.

I am enjoying it on the whole. Feels like the right time. Good to have a firm focus as the dses are off to university.

Thank you so much for all of the very honest replies already. @pastaandpesto what you said massively resonates with me - I similarly feel stuck in a kind of limbo atm. I can't join in with the SAHM scene because I'm at work - part of me gets jealous of that, and I feel a bit left out of the sunny walks and the coffee and chat, and the day trips to wherever. At the same time, I feel jealous of the few women I do know who are in 'career' jobs and have more interesting work than me. At the moment I feel like the time in the working week that I'm not at work (iyswim) is basically spent doing things that I don't enjoy doing - cleaning the house, sorting out the 'life admin' etc. So I feel like I'm sacrificing my career for stuff I don't like (which is very different from how I felt when the kids were younger and I spent my time actively doing stuff with them). I do do nice things sometimes (a walk after work, lots of cooking, which I enjoy) - but I'm not very good at making time for relaxing, so most of my 'free' time is spent on jobs rather than fun. And although I do feel like I'm missing out on friend stuff to an extent, there's only so much coffee and chat you can do, and I'm not really a desperately social person. When I look around me, quite a lot of the SAHM I know don't actually seem terribly happy with their lives, largely because they feel unfulfilled and get fed up of feeling like they exist to serve their husbands/children/dogs (their description, not mine).

But then, what @FleckingHeck said terrifies me! Somebody still has to do the jobs (although I'd definitely outsource the cleaning!). I do feel like the kids really benefitted from the time I spent at home with them when they were young, and although they don't need me in the same way any more, they do still need me. I don't want to sit back in 10 years' time and feel like I made the wrong choice - but I don't know what the right choice is. I know I can always change my mind - but I don't have that many pre-retirement years left to get the balance right.

I would ramp it up, definitely. Don’t underestimate the boost to your self esteem from fulfilling, challenging days and earning good money.

I started a a business when mine were 6 and 3, slowly built it up for ten years and plan to double down again as they get older. Would MUCH rather be in my position than the friends I have who have had ten years out (I know this isn’t you) or no possibility for progression in their current role.

I'd go for it and get a cleaner, gardener, etc so when you aren't working you aren't stressing about life stuff too much.

I'm about to do the same (if I get the job!). Kids are 7 and 9 and I feel that already they need me less. In my case it's 90% wfh which helps me pop down between calls and them to feel I'm around.

Do it, do it, do it. If it all gets too much you can always resign. But please don't put your own life on hold in case your kids and elderly parents might need you in a few years' time.

You sound so excited by it. It's not a point of no return,. if you try it and it doesn't work out, no harm done. I also think it is really healthy for teens to see their parents as people with rich lives of their own, not just passive creatures on tap for their every whim. And teens get expensive. More money could be good.

@Plastictattoo

I’m in the same boat OP. Trying to decide whether to give up my role as a TA to retrain in a more challenging role and earn a good salary. I’ll miss the holidays! But worry about my energy levels and memory now peri has hit. I’m hoping HRT will help but really need to decide in next 4-6 months. The thing is, I’ve lost a lot of confidence so not good at making big decisions. What do your family think? Have you spoken with them and the extra support/ help at home they will need to do? Let me know if you find a crystal ball and send it my way! Good luck

Get your HRT and invest in your physical and MH health - it will turn things around for you and the momentum will keep you going.

I guess only you will be able to make that call by balancing out the gains versus the losses. For me I want to do the opposite and scale back but I am currently (and always have been) the main earner whilst my dh has worked part time over the years whilst the dc have been little. Now I want to look ahead to our future as a couple and start to enjoy that more. In my mind that does not include full time hours. But for me a job is just that, nothing more and it never has given me any sense of fulfilment that comes anywhere close to that of being with my family and children. But if you need this to help with your sense of identity, achievement and contentment then go for it.

Do it. Financial independence is critical and I doubt you get there through your mum job.

Time for DH to reduce hours or a take a 'dad job' if more support is needed round the home.

What's lovely about your position is that you can try it out and if you don't like it, you can get off the treadmill.

The question for me is fulfilment. What would give you that sense of being truly fulfilled every day? Seek that out.

I did a FT job when DD was little that allowed me to be home on time and have the weekends free. I chose not to progress knowing I had another full time job when I got home.
DD is now a young adult, so I came up with a plan: I’m going to try and progress as far as I can and after a while drop a day, after 10 years drop another one etc, by the time I’m 60 I’d like to work 2, maximum 3 days a week.
I start a new job next week. I can give it 100% because there’s no one at home, my free time is my own, I started HRT and now the fog has lifted.
I’m looking at the next 20 years as a slow wind down.

Go for it, you are only applying at this stage so no major decisions yet. The household jobs can be split or outsourced. It will give you an opportunity to develop spend your time doing more interesting and rewarding work, which is better than being under utilised and bored. Plus it would set a good example for your children as well.

Go for it. I found once the children got to secondary age they were much more independent and really didn't need me hovering around. Yes they still need support - but not so much in terms of hours, more in terms of having dinner together, having a couple of chats a week about bigger stuff, generally knowing you have got their back. I think that's definitely achievable with a full-time full-on job.

How easy will it be to go back to a less demanding job if you need/want to? I’m early 50s and work pretty much full time self-employed. I like the challenge, but it’s been absolutely relentless meeting the needs of my teen (not incredibly demanding, but not nothing) and my DPs - especially my DPs as it’s not been possible to predict when they’d need help, I’m not sure how I would have coped in an actual job. I am single though so have no choice but to earn, and there’s no one else to share the household burden. I’ve worked full time though for over 30 years and haven’t ever really stepped back, I do notice a difference between those of us in this situation - many of us are done - versus people who do feel they haven’t reached their potential.

It would be a shame to feel though that you hadn’t tried because of what might happen but might never happen, but I’d say have a back up plan for if it doesn’t work out.

Having worked all my life as a single mum I can say go for it. You never know when things will change and you'll need that job.
Any menopause can be controlled well on HRT. Mine certainly was.
My job has enabled me to buy my DS a house and totally improved our life.