Stepping up in your late 40s

[sixthirty]

I'm mid-late 40s and currently working in a pretty easy job. I don't like the phrase "mum job' but I suppose that's essentially what it is - a self contained role with primary school hours, which has served me very well while my children were young, but is quite out of sync with my qualifications and pre-kids work experience. I've now got the opportunity to apply for a much more full on role - it's full time, much more challenging and interesting work, much better paid.

I just can't decide whether to go for it, and I'm interested in other people's experiences of doing something similar at a similar stage in life. It feels like quite a now or never moment, and a big part of me really really wants it. I love working, and it would be a very fulfilling job (if I got it!). But another part of me thinks perhaps I'm nuts. My kids are youngish secondary age, so increasingly independent, but will have important exam years ahead. My husband has quite a high pressure job (though with some wfh flexibility). I've got ageing parents who are largely fine at the moment, but getting frailer. I've had a few pre menopausal twinges, with no idea yet of how hard a menopause I'll have. We don't need the extra money (obviously it would be nice, but we're comfortable without it). Plus, I'd be going against the flow of what most of my female friends are doing - the majority either don't work at all now, or they've scaled back their work so they've got more time to spend walking the dog, or doing hobbies, or in the gym, or working on the house, or meeting up with friends. If I got the job then I would have much less time for any of this kind of stuff (although I don't do that much of it now).

I can't decide whether to go for it, and I haven't got long to decide!

For me whether I could wfh some days or not would make the difference.

I probably wouldn’t do it if it meant my kids coming back to an empty house 5 days a week but if you can wfh a couple of days a week so you’re at least in the house then I would say go for it!

I would go for it too. I work full time but term time only & tbh the holidays can be quite dull now the kids are independent.

You also never know what the future holds. Dh had been the main breadwinner since we had kids but his health has deteriorated so that has now changed.

I was a sahm for seven years. I stepped back into my profession part time six years ago and have recently stepped up again sharply in hours, responsibility and salary. I do not regret it although have the occasional wistful moment thinking about going back to my part time niche job (that the pandemic aftermath of cost cutting has removed from my organisation anyway). I would miss my new salary though. Financial independence cannot be underrated.

My husband has a very senior role but we are just about 50/50 across house, garden, dealing with two teenagers (chauffeuring mainly!) and life admin. This has taken some serious discussion, the occasional shit fit from me and the girls also having to pitch in and share chores. A team aaproach had to be adopted if we we are going to eat and live in a vaguely organised, and clean and tidy home.

So yes do it. It can be worth it and if it is not for you then at least you have the security in place so you can stop.

Go for it OP! Seriously, you sound like you'd love the job and if full time doesn't work out reassess after a year.

You lot are amazing, thank you - what would I do without MN? To answer a couple of questions. Working from home isn't much of a possibility, but I could possibly wangle a little bit (not as much as a regular day a week or anything though). My husband would be massively supportive, but also understandably a bit anxious about what it would mean for our lives. I really don't mean in an entitled 'who's going to iron my shirts now?' kind of way - just in the sense that this would mean a big change in our family set up. Ultimately though, it's probably him who'll be the tipping factor - I suspect he will tell me I should definitely go for it, as he'd hate me to regret not trying. Him scaling back is not an option - he's just hitting peak career now, and there's no way I would want or expect him to ease off now. He's already massively hands-on at home in the time he has available, so there's a limited amount more stepping up he can do. Any additional help that is required will have to be bought in rather than come from him - and he would be totally behind that. He already thinks we should get a cleaner, even with my current hours. Wider family would be outwardly supportive but I suspect would privately think it was a big mistake. (I don't come from a family of career mums!). The kids will probably assume there will be fewer people around the house to nag them in the holidays, and therefore thrilled .

Difficult decision for sure .I am one of the SAHMs and have enjoyed it .However I often feel maybe I should be making an effort to enhance my life choices .(Have worked FT in a bank for 10 years pre DC though) .Maybe do a Pros/Cons list? I think we are often set up to feel we "should" be taking the Career choice ,which will work for some ,but also difficult for others.Do you have support at home? Maybe new job could equal Cleaner or suchlike .TBH no one knows what kind of menopause they will have and there are many treatments avaliable .What does DH think ?

Kids would think fewer people around to nag them in the holidays and be thrilled LOL!

I can't speak for every woman, as everyone's experience of the menopause is different. Both my friends had to leave their high powered jobs, during their menopause as they were really struggling. Both had lots of time off because of it. One went part time at first, but that seemed to make things worse. The job share meant she was out of the loop for some things, which triggered stress and anxiety. I'm peri menopausal and I have brain fog, it's unreal. I'm normally on the ball and super efficient. Now I accidentally double book, lose things and get angry for no reason at all. Personally, after seeing what my friend's went through, I wouldn't want a high level job. However your menopause may be delayed for another 10 years.

You've had some great advice. I'd actually see if it's as all or nothing as you think. You may be able to wfh for most days with new job and possibly negotiate 4 days rather than ft.

Op I'm another in the go for it camp. If both of you are in good career jobs then there is a good chance of you getting both into a position of being able to retire in your early 60s instead of late 66/67 or whatever the retirement age will be in 20 years time.

I also imagine if you really struggle you could go back to your mum job.

Considering similar although I already have quite a senior career but I am a bit frustrated I haven’t got further due to taking a few years out when DC were little.
I want to pivot my career a bit but it would be a big risk to leave my current role. I’d be looking for a C- level role at a smaller company.
I currently work 4 days and not keen to give that up though

“Its hard work but I want to be able to say at the end of my life that I made it all the way.“

This. This is what’s driving me

Wishing you the absolute best of luck, OP, but I always want to link to these threads on all the many, many threads where people tell women with little babies that of course they should just not work while they're tiny because they're not little for long and they'll have their whole lives to work afterwards and it'll all be so easy once they're at school. It really isn't that simple!

You could always quit if the job is too stressful. It's an experiment, not a prison sentence.

Go for it!

I say that as a 46yo divorced mum of a 17yo, with needy widowed mum and raging peri symptoms who is looking to do exactly the same thing for the same reasons (although finances are also a factor for me).

I'm really struggling to move into the kind of role I'd like...I have lots of skills and the qualifications but recent experience is an issue.

I you're being offered something you think you'd love, grab it with both hands. You can always backtrack but you might struggle to get another opportunity.

Good luck!

I’d say go for it, but look at it as an experiment. You don’t necessarily need to do this job for the next twenty years for the move to be deemed successful. If you did if for a couple of years and then decided - for whatever reason - that it wasn’t for you, that would be equally valid and ‘successful’.

I like the saying “ It's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't”

I done the opposite and gave up work in my mid 40s but i had spent a decade with my own business and 2 other jobs. Family life can get really busy again, teenagers need more looking after than toddlers sometimes, elderly parents need looking after and Grandchildren come along. The best thing i ever did was give up work but it is not for everyone. Some people need a job to define them, some people just don't have enough to keep the occupied and some people just love being at work. You need to do what you feel is right for you.

I definitely think you should go for it. You can always change your mind later but if you don't apply now then you might regret it. I've worked 4 day weeks since having kids and have enjoyed the balance. Going up to 5 for a while but know I'll want to go back down again. You have to do what's right for you. Oh, and I definitely recommend getting a cleaner - you should do that regardless!

Go for it!
It sounds like you would really enjoy the challenge. When your children go off to Uni, you will be left with a gap to fill. There's only so many shopping trips and housework, one wishes to do. Not judging anyone that's OK with this.
It's not easy getting a job, so secure a good one while you can. It's time for you now.

The children will be proud of you.
With the cost of living increasing, give yourself every chance to gain wealth for you and the children. Women deserve good jobs, we work bloody hard enough, unpaid, for our loved ones.

Do it.
Money and interest. It’s an opportunity. Plus you never really know what is round the corner.

It sounds as though you need to do this for you, OP.
If I had the chance to be financially OK with a mum job, I would have taken it, however.
I would have been a better mother and nicer person to be around without being swallowed up by my demanding and stressful job. The time and headspace taken up by work was phenomenal and I think my DC would have preferred a less exhausted, stressed mother..

I'm in much the same boat OP. Ds is just in secondary, husband with busy stressful job. My 'Mum' job has been upgraded and turbocharged by management and my PT hours are expanding. I'm currently shattered due to the transition period and also struggling with the menopause. But when things settle it will be a much better job. Husband was going to go for an additional management post but has now decided not to as it will add to family stress when my job is expanding and Dc and me are running a rollercoaster of hormones!

My husband would be massively supportive, but also understandably a bit anxious about what it would mean for our live

If he is really supportive then its time for him to put his money where his mouth is. If you have facilitated his career over the past ten - fifteen years by carrying the key home responsibilities he should be an a position where he is senior enough to have more autonomy and share more of the children's needs. Everything else can be outsourced.

You may also find it worthwhile to look for someone who will do some general housework and act as the "sensible adult" for an hour or two at end of school. This filled a gap for quite a few families I knew, sometimes it was a former nanny, sometimes just someone whose own children were grown up. However it needs to be on the basis that your are both realistic about expectations - they won't be able to do two hours solid housework if they are also there to welcome the children, sort out some food, make sure they crack on with homework etc.

You should absolutely go for it. I see many 40+ returners and entrants to my industry and they do well and bring a different experience to the workforce. You have 20 odd years in front of you to rebuild a career.

Its also good to regain some financial independence. However rock solid things may seem the unforseen can happen and the more financial independence women have, the more real security they have.

“To say at the end of my life that I made it all the way” what does that even mean? Sacrificing everything to be a middle manager? Such a narrow view of life!

@MsTSwift

“To say at the end of my life that I made it all the way” what does that even mean? Sacrificing everything to be a middle manager? Such a narrow view of life!

If you think that making it all the way means getting to middle management… That’s not really what I meant…