Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Stepping up in your late 40s

95 replies

sixthirty · 26/03/2022 06:55

I'm mid-late 40s and currently working in a pretty easy job. I don't like the phrase "mum job' but I suppose that's essentially what it is - a self contained role with primary school hours, which has served me very well while my children were young, but is quite out of sync with my qualifications and pre-kids work experience. I've now got the opportunity to apply for a much more full on role - it's full time, much more challenging and interesting work, much better paid.

I just can't decide whether to go for it, and I'm interested in other people's experiences of doing something similar at a similar stage in life. It feels like quite a now or never moment, and a big part of me really really wants it. I love working, and it would be a very fulfilling job (if I got it!). But another part of me thinks perhaps I'm nuts. My kids are youngish secondary age, so increasingly independent, but will have important exam years ahead. My husband has quite a high pressure job (though with some wfh flexibility). I've got ageing parents who are largely fine at the moment, but getting frailer. I've had a few pre menopausal twinges, with no idea yet of how hard a menopause I'll have. We don't need the extra money (obviously it would be nice, but we're comfortable without it). Plus, I'd be going against the flow of what most of my female friends are doing - the majority either don't work at all now, or they've scaled back their work so they've got more time to spend walking the dog, or doing hobbies, or in the gym, or working on the house, or meeting up with friends. If I got the job then I would have much less time for any of this kind of stuff (although I don't do that much of it now).

I can't decide whether to go for it, and I haven't got long to decide!

OP posts:

Justlovedogs · 26/03/2022 11:51

Another one for the 'go for it' camp.
It's a job. What do you lose by trying? If it works out for you and your family, happy days. If it doesn't, you look for something else and move back to something less stressful or whatever. I know it's not necessarily that easy to do, but nothing is a permanent state; you can always work to change the situation. Good luck.

Original poster

sixthirty · 26/03/2022 15:58

Thanks again. I think I'm going to go for it. To answer another couple of questions, this isn't about 'making it'. I'm totally unambitious in terms of job status and promotions. It's only about what I spend my weekdays doing for the next ten or fifteen years. At the moment I'm pretty content day to day - my job is easy and the people are nice - but I don't get as much out of it as I could. As for my husband, yes, he is in a senior role now, but his job doesn't allow much more flexibility than he already uses. As for the kids, they wouldn't be on their own day to day - they finish school quite late, so I'd get home around the same time as them - it's more that I'd lose that couple of hours a day between me finishing and them finishing, when I usually sort a lot of stuff out (laundry, shopping, cooking, admin), so that stuff would have to get pushed into family time. The holidays are the time that they'd have significantly more time alone.

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/03/2022 16:07

Delighted you are going for it, and of course you should. You can always switch again later.

Take time to plan w your husband how you will manage domestics, get it some more help, and make sure he picks up specific tasks.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/03/2022 16:13

@Beautiful3

I can't speak for every woman, as everyone's experience of the menopause is different. Both my friends had to leave their high powered jobs, during their menopause as they were really struggling. Both had lots of time off because of it. One went part time at first, but that seemed to make things worse. The job share meant she was out of the loop for some things, which triggered stress and anxiety. I'm peri menopausal and I have brain fog, it's unreal. I'm normally on the ball and super efficient. Now I accidentally double book, lose things and get angry for no reason at all. Personally, after seeing what my friend's went through, I wouldn't want a high level job. However your menopause may be delayed for another 10 years.

Give over.

It’s great that people are talking much more about menopause and how to manage it, but the idea that women need to leave demanding jobs on any kind of regular basis because of the menopause is cobblers. I’m sorry it happened to two of your friends but that is well against the odds. Neither is it usual for a job share to trigger stress and anxiety.

If your suffering from brain fog go see your GP and try HRT.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/03/2022 16:18

@MsTSwift

“To say at the end of my life that I made it all the way” what does that even mean? Sacrificing everything to be a middle manager? Such a narrow view of life!

@MsTSwift

Ya know, a) I don’t think the PP is talking about being a middle manager (because by definition that’s not ‘making all the way’), b) it’s possible to have a family and a career if that’s important to you and c) another person might say staying at home for 15 years with your kids is narrowing your life. People want different things, no need to criticise other people’s choices.

Dailywalk · 26/03/2022 16:28

Glad to see you’re going for it. Mid forties is still young and your kids are at an age where you’re getting a bit more time to yourself. I’m surprised your friends are all reducing their hours. Surely in your forties is the time when you can be at your peak?

Original poster

sixthirty · 26/03/2022 16:56

Some are reducing hours, but others never went back to work after kids. I guess because I was a SAHM for a while, it's not surprising that the mums I tended to meet were the ones who were less career-focused. The others were probably too busy at work to run the PTA and come to coffee mornings!

OP posts:

ItWillBeDone · 26/03/2022 18:29

Good on you and good luck! The way I look at it is everything extra I earn now will help me help our kids with what they need (if they go to uni/need a car/I also dream to be able to help them with a deposit for a house). And extra pension contributions will help me retire early :-)

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 26/03/2022 19:04

I say go for it, you can always “step down” again if it proves to be too much and you’re right to think about the drawbacks but this is an opportunity you might regret not trying for at least.

mnistooaddictive · 26/03/2022 19:17

I’m in the same position. Currently doing a job that I’m good at but doesn’t challenge me. I’ve made loads of structural change but all by working my boss. I have to get her agreement fir all the changes I want to make and I feel she often makes the wrong decision. Ive just taken a large promotion else where to do my bosses job. I just need the challenge. My kids are 15 and 13 so need me a lot less. I have 20 years left at work, it’s too long to just tick over without a challenge. If I hate it I can change again but it just feels so right.

Peripeteia · 26/03/2022 19:22

@FleckingHeck

As someone who recently stepped up, mid 40s, and is doing a terrible job (and now every fecking weekend is ruined by the level of my stress and anxiety) I wish to fuck I hadn't 🙁

I too had an easy 'mum job' but thought I needed a challenge. What I needed was to appreciate that stress from work is shit, it sux for the family and is really not worth it.

I have a thread at the moment about whether I should quit. What's making me hang in is it's 100% remote and I negotiated hard on the salary (oh the irony of my self belief back then).

But, for me, I'm not up for the challenge. My memory is shit, and I seriously can no longer handle stress the way I used to be able to.

You are not alone @FleckingHeck I’ve done exactly the same and feel similar regret. I didn’t appreciate what I had with my ‘easy’ job that fit round the kids and now I’m so stressed. Like you it’s ruining my weekends and it’s casting a shadow over Mother’s Day too, which I really want to enjoy

. Solidarity to you.

LollyLol · 26/03/2022 19:34

Do it. You can always give it up again but if you never try, you'll never know.

BigUpAllOfUshereOnMN · 27/03/2022 00:50

I'm also at the same crossroads. It's been really useful to read all the replies. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I have made up my mind to go for it.

FleckingHeck · 27/03/2022 05:48

I'm sorry to read you're having a crap time too @Peripeteia.

It's just the worst feeling to constantly be stressed about work. And the more I stress, the more mistakes I seem to make. It's a vicious circle 😩

MarieG10 · 27/03/2022 05:56

I would go with your heart and have a go. It is how you feel at the time but do have an eye to the future. A friend of mine has done similar a few years ago and been very successful. Large pay rises and stimulating job, but also the stress that came with it. She was similar, late 40's and was ok, but she is now 55 and is realising that she is tired and feeling in a treadmill. Needs more time as the weekends just feel like chasing jobs all the time but can't cut down to 4 days a week due to demands. However, it can at times be harder to step down to a lower level job as it isn't what employers always want

Arghteens · 27/03/2022 09:03

Sorry to buck the trend, but I would say ask if it is possible to go 30 hours rather than full time. I have mid teen children and recently went from 30 to full time hours. It has had a much bigger impact than I could have imagined. Although they ‘need’ me less, when they do want me, I’m less likely to be around 🙁.
The things they need are less physical and more emotional, I wish I had stayed 4 days a week. It’s that extra time you need to spend doing all the housework, shopping and life admin that got done in the week before.
Good luck whatever you decide

rookiemere · 27/03/2022 09:23

@Arghteens very pertinent to me thanks. I currently work 30 hrs per week and debating if I should go up to full time for my pension ( I am almost 52) . I do love my non working day though.
Sorry as not particularly useful for OP.

Arghteens · 27/03/2022 09:50

Glad it’s helped 👍 I really didn’t think it would be much different, but so much less time to fit everything in!

FinallyHere · 27/03/2022 12:38

opportunity to apply for a much more full on role

Don't fash your self about it, just take a deep breath and apply. You can worry about whether it's the right job for you once they have offered it to you.

I know im biased but I'm having to give this same advice to lots of my friends and acquaintances now. Their children are less dependent (though still needing time) and they are just not sure whether they can hack a big paid employment role.

Just apply. And see how it goes.

Oblomov22 · 27/03/2022 13:23

You need to sort out the fact you don't relax properly, and your Menopause HRT first. I stepped up from 3 school hours days to full time, but my ds's are easy and independent. I worked my socks off helping ds with uni applications though.

BeeandG · 27/03/2022 14:09

Really interesting thread thanks and yes you should go for it. I changed industries last year, still part time mum job but in an organisation with a lot more opportunities. My dc are a lot younger with one still a preschooler until September and am going to stay part tim for a while yet. However I am applying to move up a grade as I can on part time hours and do still have some career ambition. Once my girls are a little older my plan would be to look at full time and progress further. Like others have said it doesn't have to be forever but its good to give these things a go.

borntobequiet · 27/03/2022 14:19

I did similar as a single parent in my late 40s. I wouldn’t hesitate if I were you.

Tranquilitybaby · 28/03/2022 00:00

You’re obviously unsettled where you are now, so why not give it a go. You’ll never know unless you try. You may love it, but if you don’t, just leave. At least you’ll know you’ve tried. I’m sure you’ll get another job that’s does suit you if need be. Good luck!

Stonemattress · 31/03/2022 21:08

For this reason, I am so relieved I don't have a pressurised job (or any job at times). My dc are younger though and I am definitely peri-menopausal. I am embarking on starting a very low-key business and I am thankful that I can try this and don't have added pressures of being employed.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 02/04/2022 09:11

@Arghteens

Sorry to buck the trend, but I would say ask if it is possible to go 30 hours rather than full time. I have mid teen children and recently went from 30 to full time hours. It has had a much bigger impact than I could have imagined. Although they ‘need’ me less, when they do want me, I’m less likely to be around 🙁. The things they need are less physical and more emotional, I wish I had stayed 4 days a week. It’s that extra time you need to spend doing all the housework, shopping and life admin that got done in the week before. Good luck whatever you decide

I have recently taken a step up but fought to keep my hours at just below FT for the same reasons. DH is as hands in as he can be but he works long hours with no flexibility so majority of the weekday stuff and life admin falls to me. I find that this gives me a bit of time so I'm not rushing in stressed and launching straight to sorting dinner while juggling taking them to an activity or friends house. There are also time when teen DCs just need the post school chat about the days dramas (there are lots of these with teen DDs) or a nudge or help with study both are in crucial exam years.

Having said this my new role is very demanding, the workload is for a FT person which I am doing in PT hours so this is causing me a bit of stress and sometimes I work extra although this is not expected and I know I need to keep
this in check. I am pretty sure that I am peri but I have yet to suffer major symptoms and realise that might change. I realise that the main thing for me personally is balance and keeping stress levels in check. Stress turns me into a shouty horrible person. The reality that we just can't do it all.

Flip

1 2 3 4