Solicitor back at work three months, not sure how much longer I can cope...advice?

[RoRoMommy]

Hello everyone. I've got a 7 month old lovely DS, and I've been back at work part time (which is M-F, 9-5 in my line of work) as a solicitor for a major US firm with an office in London. I love my job, insofar as I like the work I do, but I hate it because of the pressure, stress, and time away from DS. Plus I am getting very little sleep, and still bf so pumping twice a day at work.

I know I don't want to be a SAHM, but I don't think I can continue doing five days away from DS (I see him for max 1 1/2 hours a day, and during his cranky time). Plus I feel very insecure at my job because my office is opposite a woman of similar level without children who works like a robot and my boss is always in her office chatting her up and laughing, and he never comes by my office to chat anymore and I feel like a complete outcast.

If I could remove my emotional connection to my job, I think it would be easier, but I've been an overachiever all my life so there is an input-output relationship going on here--if I feel good about my job, I feel good about myself. If I don't, then I feel crap.

So, what should I do? Try to change jobs, which would mean, in all likelihood, a dramatic reduction in pay, to get more reasonable hours, try to remove my emotional connection to my job and continue on with it, or begin planning to start my own business (which is a dream I've had for a long time)?

Maybe all I really want is for someone to tell me that I am doing a brilliant job, they can't see how I manage to continue, and I am a good person.

Hi there

You are doing a brilliant job! I was having the same issues as you before I went back to work. Hated the thought of being away from ds, hated the thought of childcare but didn't want to be a SAHM.

So I turned freelance instead. I was completely upfront with all my clients, told them I have a baby (he was 11 months at the time), so I only work 3 days per week and need to leave their office at 4 - 4.30pm to collect him from nursery. In return, I don't take a lunch break (who does?!!), go in early and finish off work in the evening where necessary. Or I just work from home and put in a more "normal' working day (well as far as they are concerned I do! )

Being freelance gives me the flexibility to work the hours I want, earn the equivalent of a full time salary only doing part-time hours and because it's my reputation on the line, I can honestly say I've worked harder and produced the best work I've done in a long time!

So what I'm trying to say is - go for it, set up your own business. It's the most exhilarating and empowering thing I've ever done and I'm so glad I took the plunge.

hth

Message withdrawn

Oh Ro, I think in a few months I may be writing something similar ... I'll be watching this thread .

No advice but it's a huge thing you're doing, holding it together (esp as a SIFTW member!), and you shouldn't ever feel guilty for working to provide for your son.

If you do want to go for your own business, please think of a way in which you could employ me part time for a sensible wage .

Do you really have to work full time? I work for a large international law firm (second part of the name is somewhere you store your lawnmower ) in a senior role and after DS1 came along cut my days down to four. OK so as a lawyer all it means is that you end up cramming 5 days work into 4 days but I found that if I worked a couple of hours at home in the evnings it is possible. It also means my target is reduced by a fifth which takes the pressure off a bit. How is Mon-Fri 9-5 part time? What are your contracted hours?

If you really can't reduce your hours then rest assured it does get easier. I found the first 4 months back at work really hard after DS1 was born. I'm currently off on mat leave with DS2 and am planning to keep in touch with the office far more to make the transition back easier.

If all else fails come to work at my firm - loads of us work part time (REAL part time!). I'll split the £10k recruitment bounty with you

Anchovy, Bink and Dino are great at this kind of advice - I'm sure they will be along soon!

I'm an accountant not a lawyer but I think some of the issues are similar! The things I would look at are:

1. Can you compact your days any further (e.g. 7am to 3pm - no lunch)?
2. Can you reduce a day or work a 9 day fortnight (this alone made a huge difference to me when my DCs were babies)?
3. Can you take your specialism to a different firm (ime people will negotiate all sorts of terms and conditions at the recruitment stage if you have a fairly unique skill set and are good at what you do - sadly much more so than they seem prepared to do for incumbent staff)?
4. Don't just sit around in a corner feeling miserable - get out and go chatting to your boss if he won't come to you - get your self esteem back and start swanning around like someone who is at the top of the game! You might need to act it for a while, but it will eventually come naturally
5. Work out with your DH/DP to make sure that you are getting enough rest and support - I hope you are sharing the domestic duties and picking up/dropping off baby (or being home in time for the nanny)!

One other thing to bear in mind is that you have just had some massive changes in your life - new baby, going back to work - and so you need to give yourself enough time to let your feelings and response to these changes bed down. I would advice sticking with it for 6 months and see how you feel then, easier if some of the above suggestions are negotiable.

Oh - I forgot one of my masterly tricks, which is always to put one very long night in every couple of weeks - the more people who are around to witness it the better

Of course you're doing a fab job! unfortunately what you're coming up against is the clear and undeniable discrimination that there is against working mothers. Even someone like you who works Mon-Fri 9 - 5 is experiencing this feeling of being viewed as an 'outcast' and it seems clear that you could even be looking at experiencing other, knock on effects to your career such as being passed over for promotion/interesting work etc.

It makes me so angry that even today there is still a huge cost career-wise to women with children, when there isn't the same for most fathers.

The thing is in many ways it was dead easy for me; I DID want to be a SAHM, i would have bitten anyone's arm off for the chance; and work seemed way less important to me than giving my son a parent at home in his early years; therefore, any impact on my career just isn't that important to me.

It's not so easy if you do still care about the career!

Perhaps if you can afford it, now might be the time to look at the idea of your own business?

Will write proper message RoRo when I have time. Wanted to send you a hug.

love CM

Unfortunatly its also the case that US based firms are a lot less family friendly - my company is US based (medical industry), and the mat leave is pathetic, and there is very little concept of employing someone to cover it.
I decided to go back ft as pt would be more hassle than its worth - I've seen that my colleague does more than her hours, often has to come in on her days off (and so has to pay extra childcare), but gets less bonus/shares/car allowance.
If you are contracted pt, then I'd try to move to 4 days per week for the same contracted hours - easier to separate then, and makes it more apparent that you are pt, rather than ft doing 'short' hours. Could you do a couple of days a week from home ? It makes an amazing amount of difference to my life - even though DS is at nursery 8-5, the fact that I can shift my hours round a bit to get some housework done in the day, be in for the shopping delivery etc has made a huge difference to my quality of life, and made me more efficient in my work. I take a robust attitude that its not the hours you do, its what you do in then that counts - there is a long hours culture in my company and I've always refused to get sucked into it unless absolutely necessary. But I am lucky in that a team member has been homebased for 7 years, has 3 kids (13, 7 and 1)and has set a precendent in attitudes and availability.
If you aren't happy, then its time to look at other options - companies that really will let you work pt, companies near to home so that you get longer at home each end of the day, or follow your dreams and set up your own business.

It does get better (she says as her 17 month old bfing toddler has just managed a week with no feeds during the night, and now only pumps when on business trips), you are a good person, and you are doing a brilliant job. Hope you find a solution that fits you, DP/DH, and DS

I don't have any advice as this is not my field of work but I just wanted to say I think you are doing brilliantly in very difficult circumstances.

One question though, what do you want to feel when you look back in 5 years? Will you regret compromising your career path or the time you may not have had with ds? I work myself, so am making no judgements. I am also dependent on my work for my sense of self, to the extent that I am very nervous about going off on mat. leave again in about 6 weeks!!

Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.

Thanks everyone...

fairy unfortunately mine isn't the kind of job I could freelance...it's a very specialised kind of law that only large corporations use and requires infrastructure to complete the deals we do. I should have become a writer! (it was lawyer or writer when I was choosing my career ten years ago). My ideal business would be a cafe/bar, which requires considerable cash injection to get started (which at the moment we don't have, but could save).

Meggle, tell me about it...I could go down to as low as 65% time (I am on 85% time now), which would make my weeks down to about 30 hours per, which would be more manageable but I am not sure I could get my boss to approve it.

CSB, no probs, if you want to work as a cook or barmaid, let me know

elle let's talk! I think that one issue is that I am the ONLY woman in my office with a child, and the FIRST to take maternity leave and the FIRST to come back part time in my department...if there were precedent for what my needs are, maybe it would be easier.

soap, those are excellent suggestions...not sure I could leave any earlier than 5pm because we work with NY and so as it is I am only here for a few hours of their normal day; what is a 9 day fortnight? sorry, so daft (and American); not sure I could make a move at this point, as I came to this firm just seven months before I gave birth, then was off for six months, now have been back for two and a half, and I am in a very specialized fieldHY bond offeringswhich I am not sure I am good enough at, at my level (senior associate) for anyone to want to hire me ; definitely a great idea to chat up my boss, except that when I am in his office he makes me feel like I am wasting his time, so I try to avoid that; DH is brilliant (most of the time); and must try swanning around and throwing in the occasional late night (though the thought of not seeing DS before bed does break my heart a bit).

honoria you might be right re: business, the other issue is do we do that here in he UK or do we move back to LA which was home before we moved here three years ago? Definitely can't think about that now...but we should start thinking about at least some kind of three year-ish plan. Thank you for the kind words, and yes I agree that it's sad we're still at this stage with re: a woman's place in society and relationship with work...

To all, thank you for the encouragement [picks head up a little higher]

Thanks CM! (hugs)

cmot, thank you for that--can't work from home, already requested it and was denied. Four days a week would require no time with DS in evening, which is the only time of day I see him. Good for you that there is some precedent for what you're doing, and congratulations for making it work.

beansprout that is a v. good question. I wonder that myself, and I don't know the answer yet. My profession is such that women often wait until they're counsel or parnter before having kids, but I didn't want to, so now it's a struggle to manage it all and I think it will have an impact on the progress of my career / may cause me to switch to something else.

elle my contracted hours are 2100.

SHIT, forgot to pump!

RoRo, I work as a professional support lawyer at one of the large City firms (and am shortly moving to one of the mid-tier firms).

It is generally pretty family-friendly - structured hours, an acceptance that you work to live, instead of living to work.

It is not everyone's cup of tea but I'd be happy to have a chat with you about it if you are interested. A lot of firms have openings for debt capital markets PSLs, which sounds like your area. Also a lot of the US firms are seriously ramping up their professional support and knowledge management, so your background at a US firm could be very useful there.

RoRoMommy - don't for one minute underestimate your worth!

Ok - not leaving early - what about starting late? Could you do noon - 7/8pm? Or 2pm - 10pm? Morning with baby then work later, while DH covers being home to do bedtime?

A 9 day fortnight (which a few of my lawyery friends do is 4 days one week, 5 days the next, or 4.5days both weeks).

Would you consider moving in-house to one of the large banks - my friend is a derivatives lawyer in-house and finds it works very well - banks being a little more developed on the family friends policy side! Your skills would definitely be in demand!

dinosaur that's a great suggestion, I would love to chat, I actually spoke with my recruiter about the PSL route and she wasn't very optimistic. As I love teaching, I think it might be a good option for me...

soapbox thank you. I think the coming in later thing might work! It would leave DH with bedtimes, tho, and I am not sure he'd be crazy about that. I put DS to sleep each night during the last bf of the day. In-house is also a reasonable option...it's just a matter of getting the job!

Hi RRM, Don't have any advice but wanted to offer my support. I know you're having a really tough time and my heart goes out to you. Lots of hugs coming your way today. Hope you manage to work out a suitable compromise.

why was your recruiter negative about PSL work?

Seriously RoRo - we're looking for a funds lawyer in the London Corporate team. Is that what you do?
My firm prides itself on being very family friendly and would understand if you were moving for family reasons even though you've not been with your current firm for long.
We also only have to do 1500 chargeable hours (FT)!
Let me know if you do want to discuss further.
x

ginger (((hugs)))

dinosaur she was doubtful I could get a position because US firms don't emphasize PSLs or knowledge management, and PSLs are usually UK qualified (which I am not).

elle I have done funds work (just closed an IPO where the selling shareholder was a fund), but most of my work is HY debt offerings on behalf of issuers, and some equity offerings, also doing a sidecar PPM for a real estate company at the moment...I guess we should talk further to see if I might be qualified for the position what's the next step?

Will have a look at the role and come back to you later. Have DS2 clamped to my breast at the mo and can't type very well!

Don't know how long you've been back but I went through a major wobble when I went back to work. Not because I wanted to be at home with the baby but because I felt pushed out and thought they didn't appreciate me anymore. It took a fair few months to build up my confidence again but now I am loving it once more (been back six months).

I also moved out of client contact and into a more internal role (I'm in finance not law but the issues are similar) but it works for me. In some ways it's a less satisfying job but it lets me spend time with my daughter (I do 9-5 too but I don't have much of a commute so my home time is maximised).

I am also the only woman with a child. There are men with children here but obviously that doesn't count cos they do sod all for their children . So I sympathise with the feeling of being an outcast. But I would say stick with it -and work on rebuilding your confidence.

You sound like someone who wants and needs to work (like me). Don't throw that away. You've worked hard for your career and it's important to you. You can have a child and a career but it's a struggle to get your head in the right place to do it.

Also, well done on bfing but pumping is horrendous, isn't it...I used to find it draining literally and metaphorically. I definitely did not want to pump when back at work so phased out all bf feeds other than first and last thing. I understand if you feel you want to carry on to maintain that connection but honestly, if it's a struggle for you, that could be an area to let go. I carried on am and pm till about 8 months but by then my daughter was not bothered and I stopped altogether. I am really happy about that decision. Loved bf but I felt I had done enough. Not trying to pressurise but if you need permission to stop...

Your recruiter does sound a bit out of touch as I know for a fact that there are several US firms currently recruiting in London, although tbh I hadn't realised that you aren't UK qualified - that might make a difference. I can certainly put you in touch with the recruiters who major in PSL recruitment though.

How about being a US securities law PSL? I think our US securities law team is currently looking for one.

I forgot to say that one of the reasons that home working was a good option for my company is that the majority of my customers are in the US, and corporate are in Palo Alto, so I can do more in real time with them - I can put DS to bed and get in some conference calls/Live Meetings which were a pain to schedule before.
Of course my real problem is travel - contracted at 30%. Have just come back from a week in LA, and am desperatly juggling the diary till Christmas now. I'm the only person I know with pump voltage adaptors..

elle v. impressive typing whilst bf!

dinosaur am definitely interested in speaking with them, if only just to feel out the option at this stage.

cmot now you know someone else with a pump voltage adapter as I bought mine in the US then had to bring it back and make it work here! That makes sense re: your company, re travelling, hope you're flying business class!

margotandjerry you might be right. That's a helpful thought, that perhaps, like having a child to begin with, it might take a few months to adjust to the point where I am not crying every single day. Now I only cry on Fridays, so that's something, right?

I agree with you about feeling an outcast, and anyone who compares my lot with the dads is completely clueless. It's so goddamn different! My role has also been redefined, particularly since I cannot travel until after DS is a year old (the breastfeeding). We do a lot of work with South Africa, I'd have to pump at least three times, and that's just on the plane! Awful. Also, my boss has made an effort to give me tasks that are clearly able to be done during the day when I am here, which is nice, but when you're in client services the client is your boss, and frankly they don't care that I am 9-5 so I still feel pressure to check my blackberry out of hours.

Getting my head in the right position--how did you do that? Seriously, I need some tips about how to re-think the balance between my home life and work life.

And re: pumping/bf, at this point it's a realy lifeline between me and DS, and he's a real bf-lover, not looking to wean himself anytime soon (he even refuses to eat more than 4-6oz / 150 ml during the day because he prefers breast to bottle. But, because the hormones are keeping me more balanced than if I didn't bf (because I suffer from PMDD), I think on the whole I am better off (but that's not to say that I don't fantasize about being free of the commitment from time to time!).