Solicitor back at work three months, not sure how much longer I can cope...advice?

[RoRoMommy]

Hello everyone. I've got a 7 month old lovely DS, and I've been back at work part time (which is M-F, 9-5 in my line of work) as a solicitor for a major US firm with an office in London. I love my job, insofar as I like the work I do, but I hate it because of the pressure, stress, and time away from DS. Plus I am getting very little sleep, and still bf so pumping twice a day at work.

I know I don't want to be a SAHM, but I don't think I can continue doing five days away from DS (I see him for max 1 1/2 hours a day, and during his cranky time). Plus I feel very insecure at my job because my office is opposite a woman of similar level without children who works like a robot and my boss is always in her office chatting her up and laughing, and he never comes by my office to chat anymore and I feel like a complete outcast.

If I could remove my emotional connection to my job, I think it would be easier, but I've been an overachiever all my life so there is an input-output relationship going on here--if I feel good about my job, I feel good about myself. If I don't, then I feel crap.

So, what should I do? Try to change jobs, which would mean, in all likelihood, a dramatic reduction in pay, to get more reasonable hours, try to remove my emotional connection to my job and continue on with it, or begin planning to start my own business (which is a dream I've had for a long time)?

Maybe all I really want is for someone to tell me that I am doing a brilliant job, they can't see how I manage to continue, and I am a good person.

I wouldn't start a cafe. I'd start a law firm but certainly that is a possibility too. Expressing isn't too bad. I found it a relief at work -I needed to do it as all that milk was building up. When I had the twins I worked from home and it was much easier though that the nanny would bring them to me to feed and then take them off when it was done to do all the other bits and pieces so I could get back to work etc. But both are nice options and for me were nicer than giving up breastfeeding which I always enjoyed.

No, Jetson, that's an awesome perspective and it's brought back to the fore the other option I've been considering, and the dream I've had for a long time, starting my own business. I think I've worked for other people for so long that I've started to rely on that sense of purpose, and perhaps lost a bit of do-it-myself confidence, iyswim.

And, I think that owning a business and having children is a great way to achieve a balance on your own terms. My mother and father owned a business when I was a child, and I have very fond memories of spending time there and watching them work, and actually learning quite a lot about entreprenurial spirit and drive and creativity (obviously it's hung about in my mind well into adulthood).

It's also giving up the security of having a paycheck every month, and knowing that you'll be able to pay the rent (we don't own at the moment). I'd love to talk to you more about owning a business, so perhaps we could chat more offline?

Squiffy, hopefully we can meet at the next City lunch? I am definitely not bringing DS next time because I couldn't concentrate on any adult conversation whilst trying to keep him busy with bread and cucumbers! In-house is definitely an attractive option, but unfortunately I haven't grown close enough to any clients to make a move that way, and I'd rather know who I was going to work for before becoming a part of the company, iyswim. But it's definitely something that remains in my mind.

egyptian, I think you're right that perhaps they'd be willing to negotiate something like that, especially if I were able to land a PSL position and had a good negotiating position; but there is also the fact that the nature of my job will always be 24-7 sometimes, and there is only so much you can fit into four days; plus, if my client is working 5 days (or 6, or 7), then usually that means I am too. I did ask to work two days from home when I was negotiating my part time schedule and my partner said no; he wanted me to be in the office so he could mentor me. But he hasn't spent much time with me at all, in fact I am lucky if I get his ear for five minutes most days, so I may bring it up again because I think, particularly where breastfeeding is concerned, it might really take some of the pressure off.

Xenia, Have you been with the same firm the whole time? Did they ever resent the time you spent on maternity leave? Between five children, that would have been a lot of months away, unless you were with different employers. Our plan at the moment is to ttc at the end of next year, so if I am going to make a move, it's going to be in the next three to four months.

Also, I am not sure when I'd want to go back to full time. Certainly not while the kids were young, and travelling during that time would be quite difficult as well.

In any event, I am glad this thread has continued because it's brought up so many of the issues that women going back to work face, and highlights how many options we have. My DH was saying that I seemed so melancholy about it, but I'm not. Really I am contemplative at worst, and quite appreciative that I have options. I am not stuck, I can make a move if I decide to, and I can probably find the right balance either with time at my current position or with a little luck and courage if I decide to move somewhere else.

I took two weeks holiday when I had the first 3 children. I think maternity leave is sexist unless men get and take the same and damages women's long term image and prospects (and I didn't want to be home all that time) but that was my choice. I am always getting identified on line so I was trying not to say much but for the first 10 years I was employed and then when I was older, had contacts etc I did as someone was suggesting above - set up on my own which has gone brilliantly. I don't think I would ever want to work for anyone else again. It's not just the freedom it's the security in a sense of what I have now. I know a good few equity partners who have been culled. Also the money if good if you're keeping most of your hourly charging rate! Makes over time attractive. There's an article I wrote on it linked on my web site but I'm anonymous here so that doesn't really help you.

On the other hand most people who run their own businesses as your parents will know, work harder than those in full time work and often harder than those in full time work in City jobs too and there's no sick pay, holiday pay, you eat what you kill and if you kill nothing you starve so it all comes down to can you generate the work.

I think it has to be fun - my children have been huge fun and so has the work too. My father when he was advising us on careers (he's a psychiatrist) said pick something you'll enjoy. I'm trying to do that with my older 3 children at university now. What will make you jump out of bed keen to do it. For most women that is not a day minding children, keeping a husband happy and cleaning the toilets at home. It's more likely to be intellectually satisfying work, fascinating colleagues and clients/customers, variety and ideally high pay too in a pleasant working environment with a reasonable amount of status. I think some of us, male and female, do manage to have it all (or perhaps that's simply a matter of internal psyche speaking as a psychiatrist's daughter and sister here.. perhaps we're happy whatever we do, even cleaning the toilets on the early morning shift at Heathrow if our mental balance/ the chemicals in our brain etc are right).

That is unbelieveable. Were you married when you went back to work, I mean, was there someone there to help you through the nights?

Yes. I was married for 19 years. I didn't feel ill when I had a 2 week old baby. I was 22 and quite fit. I don't think it's any more strenuous sitting in an office than dealing with a baby and toddler alone at home. Obviously some women don't feel so well. You can't generalise but I think being at work at a desk gave me more time to relax, pace myself, have a drink without interruption etc than being home with a new baby. It was what I chose to do. Women have choices which is great and some have a baby and never work again and some want to go back quickly and some part time and some men too - many a couple argue over who gets to stay home and both want to.

In some ways it makes things easier. You've had 2 weeks off work so you don't get out the swing of it. You don't have sexist patterns develop at home of woman equals domestic service and children and a pattern that the man isn't so good with children because you and he have equal experience and the baby bonds from birth with the nanny as well as both parents so no huge wrench of "going back to work". It certainly worked well for us although I accept it is not the choice of most women.

Helping through the nights - well I was breastfeeding but we certainly had some badly sleeping babies, all of them and both did our bit.

This is a thread hijack for which I apologise but a couple of people have mentioned starting out on their own and this has been kicking round my mind as well - there are only so many day trips to Amsterdam and Milan that a banker can take before going mad....

Can I please get your honest professional careery opinion on this idea. Feel free to splutter with laughter...