Solicitor back at work three months, not sure how much longer I can cope...advice?

[RoRoMommy]

Hello everyone. I've got a 7 month old lovely DS, and I've been back at work part time (which is M-F, 9-5 in my line of work) as a solicitor for a major US firm with an office in London. I love my job, insofar as I like the work I do, but I hate it because of the pressure, stress, and time away from DS. Plus I am getting very little sleep, and still bf so pumping twice a day at work.

I know I don't want to be a SAHM, but I don't think I can continue doing five days away from DS (I see him for max 1 1/2 hours a day, and during his cranky time). Plus I feel very insecure at my job because my office is opposite a woman of similar level without children who works like a robot and my boss is always in her office chatting her up and laughing, and he never comes by my office to chat anymore and I feel like a complete outcast.

If I could remove my emotional connection to my job, I think it would be easier, but I've been an overachiever all my life so there is an input-output relationship going on here--if I feel good about my job, I feel good about myself. If I don't, then I feel crap.

So, what should I do? Try to change jobs, which would mean, in all likelihood, a dramatic reduction in pay, to get more reasonable hours, try to remove my emotional connection to my job and continue on with it, or begin planning to start my own business (which is a dream I've had for a long time)?

Maybe all I really want is for someone to tell me that I am doing a brilliant job, they can't see how I manage to continue, and I am a good person.

[shakes hand firmly back] (((hugs))), [head held a little higher than before]

thanks, issy.

I think if I were you, and wanted to stay in the same firm, I would prefer to spread my hours over 4 days so I got some quality time with my ds.

i would also think about stopping bf'g - it is a huge drain on your energy and you wouldn't need to feel guilty about stopping. (fine if you want to carry on though).

I went back to a large law firm 4 days a week when my ds was 5 months old. I continued to bf him for a month and then stopped pumping. I still bf him the rest of the time (and had quite a large stock of ebm stored). In fact what he did was not take any formula during the day and waited until i was there.

In the end I ended up getting pregnant with dd1 when ds was 12months - and part of my motivation for this was to spend more time with ds too, and when I went back to work (when she was a year old)moved firms to a 3 day a week job which I much preferred, and also switched from Corporate law to a more family friendly area. I didn't particularly enjoy corporate law or the City environment/machismo scene so was happy to swap. I'm in house now and MUCH prefer it, but of course there is a drop in salary and, if an apparent drop in status (which i haven't seen, but I know that City lawyers talk about it).

Is it Anchovy here that has managed to combine partnership and a family? Ime not many other people do.

oh RoRo

Yes I think it really does take time. Your post took me back to April/May actually. I did cry when I went back - and even went to so far as to call a long lost friend in headhunting thinking that either I would leave or they would fire me.

I honestly think that was just hormones talking. In retrospect, I realise I'd spent my whole life focusing on my career (even at school I was a swot) and because I had my daughter late (I'm 39) that's a long time to focus on one thing. I took time off work and in my naivety I thought that once I had got the baby stuff under my belt (and I was expecting that to be a shock because that was new) I could just go back to work and it would all be the same because I knew about work. What I didn't know was about working when you've got a whole other full time job at home. It's not so much the time pressure but the mental pressure of being responsible for everything.

Plus what I didn't realise was that they had got on with things for six months without me and that going off to be a mum makes you vulnerable. You're suddenly a beginner again and it makes lots of parts of your life that you previously found a breeze suddenly quite hard (like the first time I got in a car with dd - terrifying, even though I'd been driving for 20 years...)

Anyway, looong, rambling post here but I think the key points are to remember that this is probably the biggest change you have ever lived through in your life. It's allowed to be hard. Your sense of yourself takes some time to catch up with the new reality of your life.

And I understand re bf. It's important. But recognise what a lovely mummy that makes you. All the effort you are going to to make sure your DS doesn't lose out. You are being pulled so many ways. It's no surprise you are overwhelmed. But I think what happens is eventually you adjust to the new demands and it starts to feel ok again. Then when you get too confident, you think "how hard can it be to have two?" and before you know it, you've gone and done it and you're sobbing again!

[M&J tries to persuade herself to stick at one...]

RoRoMummy - just want to second what's been said about the PSL route, I switched to being a PSL after having my first child (now pg with second) having previously been at 2 city firms and it is much more family friendly - you're seldom needed to be in a particular place at a particular time or on a phone conference which means you can juggle your work much more easily. It does pay less, and there is an undeniable drop in status (usually) but it's certainly a good compromise option that allows you to keep your hand in and your options open - particularly if you're planning more children.

RoRoMummy, I'm not a lawyer but do understand about career being important and ALL about maternal guilt.
I am a Partner in a GP practice and I go home when the work is done-rarely leave before 8pm -I don't see DD3 at all in the evenings on the days I work, but have had to be creative, learn to compromise and keep weighing the balance. I have finally got the balance right for me-DD3 is 8!
I just wanted to sympathise with you and encourage you to find what works bets for you by exploring all the options, but don't give up your current situation unless you ar quite sure it is the right thing to do.
Oh and my best advice? Get your DH used to doing his share of things like bedtime!
Good luck! you are an intelligent educated woman and you will sort it out!

RoRo, I just wanted to say what you are doing is really hard, and you should be congratulating yourself for getting this far. Working in a City law firm (which in itself is very challenging), plus having a 7 month old baby, plus breastfeeding. Amazing! Of course you will be pulled in all directions and feel stressed a lot of the time.

What are your future plans? Where do you see your career in 2 years time? Do you plan to have another child any time soon?

I'm an ex-City lawyer, I quit completely after my first maternity leave partly because I knew I wanted another child pretty quickly (due to my age and health issues) and partly because I personally wouldn't have coped well with the stress. I have huge respect for anyone who manages to carry on, even supposedly "part time" at 5 days a week.

I don't think there are any easy answers, but if I was in your position I would want to reduce my days, so that you have at least one full day a week when you can get stuff done at home (shopping, admin, housework).

Business class ? Whats that ! We have a ban on anything over economy plus at the moment (not that I ever managed to get it for anything but ultra long haul to Oz before that), and thats only for flights over 8 hours. Last week I actually used miles to upgrade myself as I knew I'd be knackered after the conference, and just needed the sleep.
I found that expressing at work gave me a reason to just sit down and relax for a bit. When I stopped pumping when DS was 14 months and had dropped all his daytime feeds I found I was more tired as I just worked through everyday and had no break.

Unless I am going to quit my current job and go work for elle's firm () or perhaps become a PSL in dino's firm (), I think, in light of what you've said, M&J, I should stick it out here for at least three more months. If you were feeling a bit more yourself after that, probably it will take a similar amount of time for me, as well.

I am planning to have a meeting with my boss in December to discuss how the schedule is going, and I want to be very frank with him that (a) I do not plan on ever going back to full time and (b) as I am further integrated, I would like to consider options other than 9-5 so I can spend more time with DS. This way, if he tells me that it isn't feasible to continue part time for the foreseeable future, in our office and with the type of work we do, then I will know as early as December that I need to start seeking out other opportunities. I am okay with that, though I do enjoy my job and generally like the people I work with, and think my boss has done the best he can in accomodating my schedule, my need to express milk during the day, and my workload. Sometimes, regardless of how much you accomodate a situation, there is a breaking point when there aren't any other options but to look for something else entirely.

M&J, don't stop at one--they're way too much fun! I am definitely going for number 2, and Picca and Polly you've given me hope that it is possible to go for number 2 and make changes accordingly.

NeverEnough, your advice is golden...on the creativity, sticking with current situation until absolutely sure I want to move, and getting DH used to bedtimes...right on the money, thanks so much.

[happy sigh that things seem more manageable even though nothing has actually changed]

Thanks Tutti...definitely more kids, and two year plan...erm...ttc at the end of next year, at which time DH plans to quit his job to stay at home with DS before no.2 arrives, then take a year of maternity leave (because I can).

As for a day at home, that would be fab with re: spending more time with DS, but luckily I have housekeeper/ocado and admin, what's that anymore?? Credit card debt, lost paperwork and incomplete files, that's what it is! Thank god DH cooks dinner every night...

cmot ! I actually don't mind expressing during the day, for that very reason, and I get to close my door and my blinds and type away on mn for a while, and no one DARES step foot near my office in case they accidentally catch sight of a nork!

RoRoMummy why don't you come along to the next City lunch if you can make it - 22 Nov at Sweet Basil, thread under meet-ups?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1368/400236

City lunch thread

Crap! That's Thanksgiving...and my dad is here with his fee-on-say. [gags] How often you do manage to meet up?

Every few months or so. But if you are anywhere near EC2, why don't we meet up for a coffee somewhere?

That sounds great, I work in EC2, so anytime during the week, as you know!

Not a lawyer but similarly stressful job, just querying the pumping a bit obv. you've said you like it and not sure whether formula would be a no no but my thinking is BF is completely established so you can usually just up it and down it on demand. My dc is still totally BF when I can for months refused ALL formula at nursery (refused all expressed too) so just went without, had some water and now does have a little milk but mainly dribbles it/chucks it on the floor. He just has breast milk am pm when we get home, through the night and all weekend. Might be something to keep in mind for the future/or when meetings make pumping hard

RoRo, if you're thinking of moving firms, I could also follow leads at dp's firm, based near moorgate. it's not magic circle (phew) but is fairly high profile firm.
they actually bought dp a printer/scanner and lent him a work laptop so he would work at home. sometimes when i've been sick he's worked from home, and he tends to come home at a reasonable hour and then work in the evening. i'm sure they'd do part time arrangements. anyway, as i said on SIFTW feel free to email me.

1dilemma, did you have engorgement issues during the day if you didn't pump? I've been having oversupply issues for about a week on the weekends, so I decided to take my pumping sessions down to two from three, but I am still getting the same amount of milk! When did you stop pumping?

Thanks Amber! I will email you.

RoRo - just to say, (i) you're not alone; (ii) it IS really hard, and (iii) in all probability, unless there are some partners who have wives who work full time (which for the London office of a NY firm is, in my experience, unlikely), they probably just don't get it. So all credit to you!

I went back to work full time after maternity leave (MC firm), decided after six months that although I COULD juggle / organise enough childcare that I could have the same amount of flexibility as DH in his job - for a price - I didn't really want to. OTOH, I didn't want to be a SAHM. So I had a bash at being a PSL for six months (same firm, vacancy came up) and decided that although I really loved the research angle of it (self confessed geek), my confidence was taking a bit of a beating. So when the opportunity came up, I moved in house, which has given me the advantage of regular hours - obviously it depends what sort of in house job you take as to whether that's the case. More than happy to talk you through my experiences if you think that would be useful, and also to add myself to the ranks of people who might know somewhere where you can get a job - on the in house front, lack of UK qualification would be a problem in some areas, but not, I should think, for the US banks.

I think what you really need to decide is (i) do you want to be a partner, ever; (ii) do you need a US law firm salary - if the answer to the first two is no, it sounds like you should move, and if you're likely to be TTC end 2008, you should probably think about doing so sooner rather than later!

RoRo sometimes but I think it settles down quite quickly by this stage (my lo is 10 months) Pumped a full avent bottle last night and stuck it in freezer (was working late really don't know what I'm going to do with it) then gave normal feed within an hr or two. I'm not a super lactator just think supply/demand not so much of an issue by this stage for most people. Maybe post again and see what others say/look out for hunker/tiktok.
When I went back to work I pumped quite a bit but quite rapidly dropped down (lo won't take milk or bottles and had filled all my containers/freezer so was only pumping once. Engorgement is a variable thing it can still happen even now yet most days if I'm late/miss it's OK. Like I say when not at nursery totally BF keep meaning to give some milk/water but need to buy a cup with spout first!! Supply at weekends no issue (have found only once or twice do I think not getting enough and goes back on quite quickly but then maybe just hungary/thirsty that day!!)no engorgement probs on Monday but does feed a but throught the night. But obv. doing it this way doesn't work if you don't want her to have any formula at all.

hi anniemac - yes, I'm fine, have just been a bit rubbish at following up. have your email address at work so will email Monday - you might want to make ds birthday party in a couple of weeks?