Colleague accused me of misusing sick leave

[LondonLupie]

I'm in my 7th week of a high risk pregnancy (lupus and kidney disease), and have had awful morning sickness, insomnia and anxiety for the last 2-3 weeks. I have passed out twice (once on the tube) and have barely kept a meal down. My GP has signed me off for 2 weeks and told me to rest, which I am doing. However, I received a very accusatory text from a more senior colleague today which reads:
"We don't know if you are on sick leave or 'holiday for time out' this week. If holiday, please ignore the below. If sick leave, then we're v uncomfortable that social media shows you out with friends for 2 reasons:
These are seen by colleagues (potentially professional damage for you and very awkward when they ask us). Also if you're well enough to go out, then why aren't you working?
We won't share this further and hope you receive this as friendly concern / a friendly alert."

Firstly, I don't have a Facebook account and secondly, I don't have any posts on my Instagram. The only pics I have shared via WhatsApp status and Instagram stories are pics of my newborn god daughter and her older brother - which have been sent to me by their mum! I have no idea how this indicates that I've been "out socialising" - when the furthest I've been all week is up the road to see my GP, and to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. I was very upset to receive this and called her immediately to discuss. She refused to inform me who made these accusations and said she doesn't have social media so isn't aware of what I've shared. I then replied to her text later on and explained my concerns with these accusations, and advised her about my lack of social media presence. She replies with:

"I'm very sorry if my very careful message to you was not level in some way. Please don't send me any more angry messages.
I hope that you will come to see this not as accusation, but concern for you by people who care about you."

WTF??? Is she actually for real?!! So I replied with:

"I'm not angry, that's not the intention of my message. I'm very concerned and upset that you would send me such a text in the first place and not identify who "we" is. It didn't convey concern to me (or my close friends/partner who I have shared it with). I think it's best we put this matter to bed and limit our interactions to work related matters from now on. I don't need any additional negativity or stress in my life - especially now I'm pregnant.
Kindly refrain from sending any further unfounded, accusatory messages veiled as concern."

I don't even know how to move forward from this! We've always gotten along really well for the last 6 years, never any issues before this. Do I involve HR? Talk to her 1-2-1 when I return to work? Escalate it to our line manager? Now I'm dreading going back to work and having to sit next to her with all this unresolved (and unnecessary) drama hanging over us. Anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? Any advice please? 😕

@bluntness100, she did actually say that she'd posted photos of her family but added, "I have no idea how this indicates that I've been "out socialising" - when the furthest I've been all week is up the road to see my GP, and to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions."

@Bluntness100 I don't think people are being 'hysterical' at all.

The OP doesn't have to clarify at all whether she has been socialising, or whether they have appeared on someone else's social media, as the colleague is just that, a colleague who has nominated herself as chief passer on of unfounded shit stirring material.

It's absolutely none of her business. The only person OP has to answer to is her line manager.

If she was merely being a concerned colleague it would've been worded very differently. The colleague has crossed a line and it's now a matter for HR. Not hysterical at all.

@Bluntness100 op clarified she'd only been to the gp and pharmacy.

I agree with pp. Escalate to your manager.

Hello from another immunocompromised ckd and eds sufferer.
All the ‘not all disabilities are visible’ in the world doesn’t stop the disgruntled chuntering by colleagues when you’re mid flare up or struggling with yet another kidney crisis does it? Add pregnancy into the mix and you must be feeling utterly shocking. Well done for even GOING to work
My boss called me on ‘you can’t continue to use this as some medical trump card, it angers your colleagues’ some years ago. HR were NOT happy, nor were my union. It’s disablism, it’s illegal.
You are entitled to leave the house when off sick, it doesn’t tie you to your sofa. Obviously a night in a club is off the cards but meeting a friend for coffee or something is totally fine. Don’t engage any further but absolutely send the message thread to HR. It’s their job to deal with this, it’s your job to get through the rest of your pregnancy.
On a side note, I hope your renal team are looking after you, go easy on yourself. What have they done about your meds?

“Friendly concern”???? The tone of her message is incredibly accusatory!

I wouldn’t wait for the end of your leave but first thing this morning would be sending screenshots and a covering note to your line manager and HR. This is bullying/harassment and this maliciously gossiping colleague (if indeed they exist) needs to be exposed also.

The responses may be correct, but the op has not clarified if she has been out socialising, or if someone else could have shared images of her.

It’s totally irrelevant whether she was actually out or not. Sick leave does not mean confinement.

Good luck op. Your colleague is a bitch, there was no concern there.

I once had a colleague calling to see if I was really sick as the boss would not be happy I was not in. I was really ill but she made me feel like I was trying it on. She was a bitch too

Send an email to your line manager with HR cc in. Do it before you return so that they can deal with it and you are not returning to any difficult situation. Make sure you emphasize that these messages were unwanted and unwarranted. Also inform them that this could be seen as bullying, harassment, pregnancy and disability discrimination.

The op clarified that she had been to the doctors and pharmacist, that’s hardly going out.

OP as some have said above, raising a grievance can be very stressful. I wouldn't recommend it. The person you raise the grievance against can set off on a bit of a vendetta and everyone feels under the microscope including you. You may not feel up to this. Personally I would try to see what your manager will do "informally" first. As I manager, predicting how this could play out, I think the best course of action would be a stern talking to with this individual on how her comms were inappropriate, could be perceived as bullying, along with a firm message that any further antics of this nature could lead to disciplinary action. See if your manager is up for this, perhaps supported by HR.

Many women need to take time out of work in the first and sometimes second and third trimester for sickness. Despite it being called morning sickness, it happens at any time of the day. Even if it was just in the morning, you can't actually get ready or travel to work when your head is stuck over the toilet or over a basin. It's so funny because if someone has a sickness bug it's all don't come to work you poor thing! But sickness in pregnancy has minimal sympathy and is so misunderstood. When you're sick, you're sick. It's not easy to be sick several times of a morning then just get up and go to work! No one outside of pregnancy would be sick several times then just go to work would they?

As well as being sick, you deal with other symptoms too and you OP, actually have an illness too. I was lucky not to get morning sickness but my friend at work got it bad. She would he sick from 5am every morning, sometimes she was sick up to 4 or 5 times and she was drained by the time it got to 8am and she needed to get ready for work so she had a few sick days and got signed off twice. At the time, I hadn't had my DS yet and had never been pregnant yet I still understood. While she was signed off, she came and met us all for a works night out. She came for the meal, had a couple of appletizers then left quite early. There was photos of her on social media and no one batted an eye lid because it wasn't 5am in the morning when she was suffering badly with it! Infact, the company director said he appreciated her making the effort to come along for a few hours. If she could have worked evenings when she felt ok, she would have but our workplace wasn't open in the evenings! She was clearly struggling in the early morning and up to mid afternoon the most.

I wouldn't justify yourself any further and go to your HR department or manager and make a complaint. She isn't a friend to you at all. I think she's counting on that to get away with this!

I agree you need to Copy this to HR and your line manager.
It's bullying.

You don't need to justify yourself - you have been signed off by a Doctor - that is enough. You could have gone out, and that would have been fine (I know you don't feel up to it).
For example my husband had meningitis and when he started to feel better thought maybe he should go back to work (involving a long commute), we went out for a coffee and he needed to get a Taxi home. Which proved he couldn't cope with work yet.

She has no idea why you are signed off sick going out socialising could be part of the treatment for all she knows.

You don't need to justify yourself.

Please go to HR and escalate this as possible discrimination. ( The equality act 2010 calls this the pregnancy and maternity discrimination). ( Also know that you are protected by law against descrimination as you are still in the protected period )You can also take this up to the civil court and this will teach your employer a lesson or two. Don’t take this lightly as women are still being treated unfairly/harshly because of pregnancy related problems. Keep those messages as evidence of harassment and please do this ASAP! This applies if you resident in the England.

the op has not clarified if she has been out socialising, or if someone else could have shared images of her.

The Op said that " the furthest I've been all week is up the road to see my GP, and to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions."

To be honest, the phrasing - ‘we’ not ‘I’ or ‘they’ - feels dangerous to me too, like there’s some ganging up happening. I’d be straight to HR too OP.

I agree - if ganging up isn't happening, you can guarantee that she will be dripping poison in people's ears about your sick leave. Strike first with HR to protect yourself, and maintain a paper trail.

It is bullying, and the earlier a record you have of it with HR, the better, then it's in their hands, and you can focus on your own wellbeing.

People are being hysterical on this thread. Talk to your line manager is the correct thing to do.

Definitely go to HR over this - it could be colleague using 'we' to detract from them or it could be an actual group where they've nominated themself as chief spokesperson. Either way its not on.

Have you double checked your insta account - is it possible someone has tagged you in an old photo? I could well imagine a busy body colleague using that as all the proof they need to have a go. Also perfectly possible they're talking shit of course.

ALSO can i mention that if you are on sick leave... you are allowed out of the house so her message was completely not needed. what if you had to go shop to buy food? or to the doctors, he complaint was ridiculous.

I would say okay before you make complaints about me i would like to see this social media post and then i would go to HR as bullying harrassment and say someone has it in for you that they would lie about seeing a picture of you even though you know you dont do social media.

Its the 'we' that would concern me the most. Is it 'we' as in the company or 'we' as in a group of colleagues. EIther way, it is not acceptable and needs to be dealt with. I would email my line manager and HR with a formal complaint.

Wow, I'd hate to work with someone like that. You're right to escalate!

There is no rule that says you are not allowed to socialise/go out of the house when signed off.

Many years ago my colleague was off with stress, she has been my friend since we were at school, now 50.

My son had started school and was on part time days for 3 weeks. One day each week she picked him up and he played with her daughter for a few hours until I collected him. Our shared boss said “ looking after a 4 year old for a couple of hours is not the same as coming into a high pressure work environment. It also means you aren’t out as well”

Signed off does not equal prisoner!

Report to HR , do not engage further

Even if you had been out, you were off sick, not confined to the house. For most things, it’s actually better not to spend two weeks in bed not seeing anyone. How would going out for a meal in any way be equivalent to going to work?

THIS ^

She is not your doctor.

She has no authority over you.

This is not Victorian England where an ill woman is expected to take to her bed for a month.

It is none of her damn business what you do.

This is bonkers. I'd definitely show it all to HR

As everyone else has said.

Agree take it to HR. She's way out of line

I don't think you should have engaged in the first place, but you did, so now take it straight to HR. If they have any sense they'll squash her immediately.