Sexually assaulted at work- what to do?

[Namechangejustforthis00]

Hi all, name changed just for this as it is a delicate subject but I am a regular poster on msn.

I work for a big company with a loose policy in terms of colleagues socializing/ dating/ sleeping together. Most people are young and single and it is pretty much the norm that people sleep date around.

I have been "friends" with a male colleague who is in a very senior position. I am several ranks lower than him. We are "friends" as we have been knowing each other since high school and we come from the same hometown (not in the UK). He actually initially recommended me for this job.

I have always known this guy had a questionable attitude towards women and sex, despite the fact that he is married to a lovely woman. Occasionally he made sleazy comments about other women that I felt uncomfortable with. A couple of times he tried to hit on me "verbally" (suggesting we went home together after a night at the pub) but I always thought he was joking/ teasing and just laughed it off.

Ultimately I never confronted him, because at the end of the day I admit he is a useful contact to have in my company and I never wanted to risk that professional connection with all the future potential benefts it carries.

A month ago we agreed to grab some food together after a night at the pub but we decided to swing by the office to pick up a bag (office open 24/7 with security). We were drunk.

Once there, he dragged me to the office showers (I did not oppose any resistance as I honestly did not understand what was going on) and he put my hand on his crotch and asked me to give him oral sex.

I was honestly so surprised that I just froze, stood there jockingly begging him to go out and have food (which was the original plan). He then started touching me in a pathetic attempt to turn me on I guess. I stood there doing and saying nothing. He kept groping me. After a while he said this was "my chance" and that I was stupid to waste it. Eventually he gave up and we walked out, pretending nothing happened.

Since then not only he has been acting like nothing has happened, but he actually keeps making inappropriate comments, i.e. a couple of days ago he told me that night he had a dream he was in an orgy with me.

I don't know what to do. The more I think about this the more I realize how awful what he did to me was.

He is very well-respected and powerful in my company and I know that reporting him officially would probably hinder my career more than it would actually affect his. On the other hand I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable in his presence and I just can't pretend to laugh at his disgusting comments anymore. Thankfully we don't work together as we are in separate departments but he sits not too far from me at the office so I see him every day.

Please help, what should I do?

Amelia your posts are getting quite unpleasant, I understand you think what happened to me was no big deal and that I am to be blamed for it. Message received, thank you. No need to keep posting.

And btw I am in the UK. I am not originally from the UK. The man in question comes from my hometown and we usually speak our mothertongue, so no colleague has ever heard his sleazy comments around me.

No useful advice but I'm sorry you went through this. I come from an office culture where we go to the pub on a friday, and as you know none of your actions were remotely unusual, it could have happened to many people :(

Oh yes and you still haven't shut him down if he is asking you for dinner, can you not say fuck off?

I'm fairly certain Amelia that the OP has already advised that it was quite usual for staff to leave bags at work to then pop back to get them - so am not sure what avenue you're going down there - the getting the bag would have seemed perfectly normal situation if OP had suggested it, equally perfectly normal if the guy, or indeed one of her other colleagues had suggested it.

Is the shower block at work right behind reception? Or did you go to another floor and then walk into the shower area?

Showers are upstairs, which is the floor where we both worked and where we needed to go to collect our bags.

Was there kissing?

Nope, not at all.

Why didn't the non bag owner wait in reception?

Because we both needed to collect our bags at our desks, which are in the same area of the office.

You were enjoying his company as you agreed to go out for food, did you invite anyone else who was out to go for food too?

He suggested we grab some fast food on our way home (each to his own place), I said fine. It did not sound like a grand dinner invitation.

When people seek privacy from the group it indicates intimacy is desired.

Not at all, it happened many times with other colleagues (males and females) to stop for a quick bite on our way home after a Friday night. It never felt like anything more than a friendly thing.

Namechange you absolutely do not need to explain yourself! none of this was your fault

I am utterly appalled firstly by what you were subjected to and secondly what you have been subjected to on this thread.

You have been treated terribly by him and then by some on here but don't forget that there are those of us too that believe you and know even to the very core of our being that this was not your fault and no matter how people twist things or how many different angles they look at it from that simple truth won't ever change

Thanks for the reports about this thread; we're really sorry for the delay in responding.

OP, just letting you know that we've deleted a number of posts which we agreed were victim-blaming, and which we feel have no place on Mumsnet.

We think now would be a good time to link to our We Believe You campaign which is challenging some of the myths associated with sexual assault and rape. We'd really appreciate it if people would take a look at the campaign and bear it in mind when posting on threads like this.

Hope you're okay, OP.

Those telling the OP she put herself in danger:

How would be you be responding if it was a young male who had gone back to the office with this guy and been assaulted?

Would you still be saying ‘well what on Earth were you thinking Brian, going back to the office with him to pick up a bag?’ ‘Jesus Brian, you went past the Chinese takeaway with Mike?? What were you thinking??’

No you wouldn’t. Because men expect to be able to go about their lives un-assaulted. It’s only women who ‘invite’ assault. They expect to be able able to go to a bar, have a couple of pints, chat without it being seen as an invite. They expect to be able to have a laugh without it being seen as an invite. They expect to grab a kebab on the way back and share a cab without being groped.

Can you even imaging the social message of ‘well boys, don’t you have a game of pool with the lads on the next table or you are asking for it.’ It’s unthinkable. Men are not scrutinised for culpability for what they wear, how they act or what they drink when they are out. If a young man was assaulted by a bloke after having a few drinks there would be no victim blaming.

You all need to give your heads a wobble. Women have the right to be unmolested.

I hope you have found some comfort and support from this thread. You are a victim and the blame for this lies solely with your attacker

I hope you feel brave enough to tell your story IRL as you deserve to be away from him and for him to not be able to do this to other women

Thinking of you

I don't have an answer here but I know at my work (same culture, similar stuff with laptops) that while I wouldn't trust HR to solve the situation and somehow find evidence against him (because in a shower room that's unlikely) I am fairly sure they would enable you to move departments and or offices, thereby keeping your job but meaning you weren't having to deal with him any more.

If it's a big office is there a confidential hotline you can ring about workplace problems?

(Obviously my post above is shit in that you shouldn't have to move but I was wondering if it might offer a 4th way?)

Great post Anatidae

There are some longer posts above that are very interesting OP - they're right, he's not going to go 'Oh OK then, I'm a sex pest' - he will fight back and it will be your word against his. I'd honestly start looking for another job, much as it enrages me to say it.

One thing you can do right away though is always speak to him in English. No matter what the situation, if he talks in your mother tongue, answer in English. It might not stop the sleazy comments but it will change your response to them and it will also break the false bond of intimacy that speaking in a foreign language builds.

Him: something sleazy
You (in English): I'm sorry, what was that?/come on Brian, that's hardly appropriate for the workplace is it?/or just a simple excuse me?

I wanted to say how brave you are to post and ask for support. What you did, how you behaved is EXACTLY how I would have behaved and how I have heard many other women behave in a similar situation. A pp was right when they said it was a survival mechanism.

He is a dirty, lousy scumbag. And a fantasist. Frankly it doesn’t sound like anything you could do or say subtly would change that. He’s assaulted you. He’s not confused. I agree he has probably done it before. And may do it again I guess.

Some good advice above. I am so sorry this has happened to you. And I am so sorry that you have had to read some of the utter shit other people have written.

I would report. Or if you’re scared of the consequences, tell another team member who can look out for you and help you build up some evidence? Is there anyone at work you can confide in?