Sexually assaulted at work- what to do?

[Namechangejustforthis00]

Hi all, name changed just for this as it is a delicate subject but I am a regular poster on msn.

I work for a big company with a loose policy in terms of colleagues socializing/ dating/ sleeping together. Most people are young and single and it is pretty much the norm that people sleep date around.

I have been "friends" with a male colleague who is in a very senior position. I am several ranks lower than him. We are "friends" as we have been knowing each other since high school and we come from the same hometown (not in the UK). He actually initially recommended me for this job.

I have always known this guy had a questionable attitude towards women and sex, despite the fact that he is married to a lovely woman. Occasionally he made sleazy comments about other women that I felt uncomfortable with. A couple of times he tried to hit on me "verbally" (suggesting we went home together after a night at the pub) but I always thought he was joking/ teasing and just laughed it off.

Ultimately I never confronted him, because at the end of the day I admit he is a useful contact to have in my company and I never wanted to risk that professional connection with all the future potential benefts it carries.

A month ago we agreed to grab some food together after a night at the pub but we decided to swing by the office to pick up a bag (office open 24/7 with security). We were drunk.

Once there, he dragged me to the office showers (I did not oppose any resistance as I honestly did not understand what was going on) and he put my hand on his crotch and asked me to give him oral sex.

I was honestly so surprised that I just froze, stood there jockingly begging him to go out and have food (which was the original plan). He then started touching me in a pathetic attempt to turn me on I guess. I stood there doing and saying nothing. He kept groping me. After a while he said this was "my chance" and that I was stupid to waste it. Eventually he gave up and we walked out, pretending nothing happened.

Since then not only he has been acting like nothing has happened, but he actually keeps making inappropriate comments, i.e. a couple of days ago he told me that night he had a dream he was in an orgy with me.

I don't know what to do. The more I think about this the more I realize how awful what he did to me was.

He is very well-respected and powerful in my company and I know that reporting him officially would probably hinder my career more than it would actually affect his. On the other hand I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable in his presence and I just can't pretend to laugh at his disgusting comments anymore. Thankfully we don't work together as we are in separate departments but he sits not too far from me at the office so I see him every day.

Please help, what should I do?

Please move forward with reporting this. This is not ok and his actions were wrong. If you don't report this he will do it again with another colleague who may not be as assertive as you in that moment. You may not know that.he may already have complaints against him- or that this could be the beginning of newly escalated sexually agressive behaviour on his part.

Cherryontop that is exactly what you are doing! Victim blaming. She has mentioned several times they went as a group after work. They didn’t go off after work for a romantic dinner alone.

And why on earth would she assume a married colleague would sexually assault her while she ran in to grab her bag (as is common in her workplace)? Lots of men tell sexist jokes or act a bit sleazy from time to time, I’d never think this would mean they’re a sexual offender.

In no way is OP in the wrong or making stupid choices for assuming a married senior colleague wouldn’t attack her while they ran into the office to get their things together in a common practice of after work behavior.

Are you seriously saying women shouldn’t be alone with men in case of sexual assault? This is what victim blaming is. It is blaming the victim for being assaulted.

Sorry but did you clarify what you meant by dragging you in the showers? Did you voluntarily go with him?

Secondly. Did you stay no or stop at any point and did he follow instructions?

alaska I'm certainly not victim blaming. The OP should report him, he was out of order, full stop.
However the OP should recognise she has poor judgement by agreeing whilst drunk to go out with alone for food and to the office, by her own admission she knew he has a questionable attitude towards women and sex. Its not victim blaming, its exercising basic common sense.
But cherry, do you think where I work women should refuse to change into their work uniform in case the men get the wrong message?

Reporting him can be a last resort, but you need to be prepared to take it. He is a danger to you and other people.

I'd say that for now you threaten to report him if he shows you anymore disrespect from now on. He may not take that seriously, so you may need to escalade this and report him after all. But seriously take care of yourself. He has shown has no respect for boundaries and does not shy away from sexual assault. He may not be a contact worth keeping if the price for it is you getting hurt.

document as much evidence of his behavior as possible, in case you need it.

A woman should be allowed to go to the office a little bit drunk and not be sexually assaulted.

A woman should be allowed to make a thousand errors of judgements and not be sexually assaulted.

Labrador he grab my wrist and walked me to the showers. I genuinely did not understand what was going on until we got there, so I opposed no real resistance besides protesting "come on I am hungry, let's go!". Remember I was drunk.

Once we got there he put my hand on his crotch and asked me to give him oral sex. I said something along the lines of "we should really go out and have food". Then he started touching me. I kept repeating the same line "come one let's go out look for
food", until eventually he gave up and told me I "wasted my chance". The whole thing probably lasted 5 mins or less.

Secondly. Did you stay no or stop at any point and did he follow instructions?

what does this have to do with it? ITs pretty bloody common for victims of an assault to freeze in fear and not say a thing. Not do a thing to get it over as quickly as possible because fighting back isn't always possible.
When you have someone you know violating you in such a manner, someone you've known for years you can act irrationally, get stuck in a loop focusing on something else by means of distraction. This does not mean she was asking for it, enjoying it, wanted it.

and he put my hand on his crotch and asked me to give him oral sex.
Like I say, where I work, males and females all have to get changed in the same room. Occasionally a flirty male hand ends up on a female crotch and vice versa. How come you ended up in this position?

smithy84 Can you stop going on in everyone of your posts about people at your work getting changed? It's not relevant at all.

And how do hands end up on crotches?

@Nicknacky
Sorry

And how do hands end up on crotches?
Just the usual flirty behaviour

So your colleagues sexually assault each other routinely?

So your colleagues sexually assault each other routinely?
The flirty stuff is all consensual

Fair enough. Now we have established it's consensual then it is also irrelevant.

So your colleagues sexually assault each other routinely?
But maybe not everyone is of an age where they can give consent, which is why we should have separate changing rooms

Jesus christ. Women at your work are felt up on a regular Smith? Are you a woman?

Hold on are teenage girls also being sexually assaulted at your work smithy?

Jesus christ. Women at your work are felt up on a regular Smith? Are you a woman?
Not really. What I'm saying is, we don't have changing rooms, so everyone has to change in the staff room. A bit of flirting goes on occasionally

Hold on are teenage girls also being sexually assaulted at your work smithy?
No, I didn't say that

Well smithy if someone put there hands on my crotch while I was changing I would definitely feel like it was assault!

Well smithy if someone put there hands on my crotch while I was changing I would definitely feel like it was assault!
Nothing of a non-consensual nature happens

alaska im not saying women shouldn't be alone with men incase sexual assault happens, no.
I am saying this particular women should not have gone somewhere alone with this man, both under the influence of alcohol when he already hit on her 'verbally' and had a terrible attitude towards women and sex. Its taking reasonable precautions and safety for yourself.
It doesnt excuse how hes behaved and should report, nothing excuses his behaviour but i suppose that's the part of my posts which you chose to ignire

I am saying this particular women should not have gone somewhere alone with this man

She wasn't going "somewhere", she was going back to the office to get stuff, which was common practice.