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Original poster

Sexually assaulted at work- what to do?

117 replies

Namechangejustforthis00 · 19/11/2017 21:14

Hi all, name changed just for this as it is a delicate subject but I am a regular poster on msn.

I work for a big company with a loose policy in terms of colleagues socializing/ dating/ sleeping together. Most people are young and single and it is pretty much the norm that people sleep date around.

I have been "friends" with a male colleague who is in a very senior position. I am several ranks lower than him. We are "friends" as we have been knowing each other since high school and we come from the same hometown (not in the UK). He actually initially recommended me for this job.

I have always known this guy had a questionable attitude towards women and sex, despite the fact that he is married to a lovely woman. Occasionally he made sleazy comments about other women that I felt uncomfortable with. A couple of times he tried to hit on me "verbally" (suggesting we went home together after a night at the pub) but I always thought he was joking/ teasing and just laughed it off.

Ultimately I never confronted him, because at the end of the day I admit he is a useful contact to have in my company and I never wanted to risk that professional connection with all the future potential benefts it carries.

A month ago we agreed to grab some food together after a night at the pub but we decided to swing by the office to pick up a bag (office open 24/7 with security). We were drunk.

Once there, he dragged me to the office showers (I did not oppose any resistance as I honestly did not understand what was going on) and he put my hand on his crotch and asked me to give him oral sex.

I was honestly so surprised that I just froze, stood there jockingly begging him to go out and have food (which was the original plan). He then started touching me in a pathetic attempt to turn me on I guess. I stood there doing and saying nothing. He kept groping me. After a while he said this was "my chance" and that I was stupid to waste it. Eventually he gave up and we walked out, pretending nothing happened.

Since then not only he has been acting like nothing has happened, but he actually keeps making inappropriate comments, i.e. a couple of days ago he told me that night he had a dream he was in an orgy with me.

I don't know what to do. The more I think about this the more I realize how awful what he did to me was.

He is very well-respected and powerful in my company and I know that reporting him officially would probably hinder my career more than it would actually affect his. On the other hand I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable in his presence and I just can't pretend to laugh at his disgusting comments anymore. Thankfully we don't work together as we are in separate departments but he sits not too far from me at the office so I see him every day.

Please help, what should I do?

OP posts:
BritInUS1 · 19/11/2017 23:14

Have you spoken to him about it and told him that it makes you uncomfortable and you don't want him to talk to you like that or touch you?

cherryontopp · 19/11/2017 23:14

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Original poster
Namechangejustforthis00 · 19/11/2017 23:17

The thing that really concerns me now is that what happened then seems to have sparked much more interest in him (towards me).

Before that night we would chat when there was a spontaneous chance but he never actively reached out. Now he messages me often, he asked me out for lunch twice (politely declined) and generally seems to jump at any chance to be around me.

I am afraid that he is now in a "hunting" mode because I turned him down and he took it as a challenge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangejustforthis00 · 19/11/2017 23:19

Britt no I just try to avoid him as much as possible and generally stay away from him. I know I should say something but I just freeze when I am around him, which is weird because I am generally a pretty confrontational person.

Not sure why I am so spineless all of a sudden Sad

OP posts:
Ilovelblue · 19/11/2017 23:21

I do feel for you. I went through sexual harrassment from my boss over 30 years ago. I was quite young and I suppose I didn't know how to handle it. About 15 years later, I experienced it again at the hands of another boss (ex military, thought he could order people around) and I knocked it on the head immediately.

From experience, it's usually the woman who comes off worst. No, I know it's not right, but that's how it often goes. I would make a diary of times, dates etc so that if necessary, it can be presented to a solicitor or maybe a union representative. Obviously, your HR department are the ones who should handle this but cynically, if the man is very senior, they may not always act as they should. I know it's not what you want to hear, but despite having policies against bullying, harrassment etc, a lot of companies do not always practise what they preach. I would not, for the moment, advocate going to the police - try your internal procedures out first.

Smithy84 · 19/11/2017 23:21

he dragged me to the office showers
What exactly do you mean by office showers?

Notevilstepmother · 19/11/2017 23:21

Can we please stop victim blaming.

I’m with Helen

Make him feel uncomfortable instead of you. Take back power.

Find somewhere to talk to him where you can be seen but not overheard. Look him in the eye and tell him that you aren’t interested in him, and he needs to stop being so disrespectful or you will have no option but to take this further. No more sleazy comments and keep your hands to yourself.

wowfudge · 19/11/2017 23:21

Or he's hoping you're actually interested in him so he can start something with you and you will never report him.

AlaskaSometimes · 19/11/2017 23:21

Wow. This thread is revolting. You are NOT to blame in any way for this. Who on earth would expect to get assaulted by a colleague in their office? No matter how risqué previous comments were, I would never assume a married man I’d known for years and worked with was a sex offender.

Those blaming the OP for daring to act like a normal human, have a few drinks then pick up her bag in the company of a man alone - you are complete and utter scum. You are the reason why so many women don’t come forward with their stories. You are creating a culture of victim blaming.

OP I am so sorry this happened to you. I completely understand that going to HR or the cops would be awful, probably embarrassing and difficult with career ruining potential. I too would be inclined to email him similar to a PP who suggested warning him to keep comments and hands away from you at risk of exposure of his assault to HR, the cops and his wife.

I’m really sorry this happened to you.

Ermm · 19/11/2017 23:21

I would be impressed if you had the courage to report him. I think that you may be surprised by the support you get from HR. Or you may be disappointed. Very difficult to tell.

If you feel strong enough to report him to HR (I can't think of a better word - doesn't mean you're "Weak" if you don't) then I think important to work out what do you want? Is it possible that you can get reassurances you won't have to work with him, it won't damage your career? If not, do you want a settlement to compensate for having to find another job etc etc.

Key thing is to keep a good audit trial of everything that you report to HR, responses, how you are treated etc.

tbh I'd actually have a chat with a good lawyer before I talked to HR. Not so that you walk in saying Im lawyered up, but they'll be happy to have an initial chat with you about where you stand, what rights you have etc.

Reality is your career is probably impacted now anyway if he has a lot of power and you rebuffed him. Not knowing your field etc - but I imagine there are other opportunities out there.

So - in summary - absolutely report him, but make sure you have full knowledge and support when you do it.

cherryontopp · 19/11/2017 23:22

I would have a serious word with him and tell him your not interested, hes married and he shouldn't be asking you out.
Do not get drunk with him in the future and definitely dont go anywhere alone with him again. This he might have seen as encouragement.
Id definitely have a word with him and say its best for everyone if he stops this behaviour towards you.

Original poster
Namechangejustforthis00 · 19/11/2017 23:23

I would also like to mention that it is pretty commonplace in my company to leave bags in the office on Friday when we all go to the local pub. That is encouraged by management as they had way too many work laptops stolen at that pub. We all leave our stuff at the office and swing back to collect it before going home.

That is just to highlight that it was not a weird decision to go back to the office to collect our bags, that's what we do every Friday.

That being said, I agree that I should have been smarter about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangejustforthis00 · 19/11/2017 23:25

Smith my office has showers as we have an office gym. It is a big office.

OP posts:
cherryontopp · 19/11/2017 23:25

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RaindropsAndSparkles · 19/11/2017 23:27

Sadly the truth is that the op went back to the office alone with him. It's her word against his. There are no witnesses, no evidence. Reporting it will not help unfortunately.

It doesn't make it right but the outcome will not be helpful.

Ginkypig · 19/11/2017 23:28

Raindrops you are fucking disgusting and I have reported your posts.

Oswin · 19/11/2017 23:29

Fuck off rainbow. And people sat feminists hate men, when it people like you that hate them really. Why do you think they can't control themselves.
No matter where they are or what they are doing, he had no right to touch op. Do you get that or you just a thick nasty fucker?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/11/2017 23:29

First I am so sorry this happened to you. It was sexual assault, 100%. I'm not going to engage with victim blamers.

You feel that things have escalated in terms of him contacting you. Either you're right and he sees you as a 'challenge' OR he wants to have a conversation with you where he threatens you not to report it, or encourages you to sweep it under the carpet in a 'can't believe how pissed I was on Friday eh, lets say no more about it.'

If it's the second, then I bet he's done it before and it's been reported and he's shitting himself. I'd be tempted to roll the dice and go to HR on that basis, but that's easy for me to say sitting on this side of the keyboard.

Notevilstepmother · 19/11/2017 23:30

You are victim blaming. Stop it.

Men are capable of behaving. He didn’t. Blame him.

I have male friends and work colleagues, I’ve been alone with them. It happens.

JetCityWoman · 19/11/2017 23:30

He was wrong and so were you. He is a married man yet you thought you could get pissed with him and grab some food and go back to the office. Yeah right, that isn't quite so innocent when you know he has a wife.

Oh do fuck off.

Smithy84 · 19/11/2017 23:31

my office has showers as we have an office gym. It is a big office.
I was going to say! I work in a restaurant, where all the staff have to get changed. But we don't have proper changing rooms. This means we have some girls as young as 14 or 15 having to undress in a room with adult males as well as females, which surely shouldn't be allowed?

Original poster
Namechangejustforthis00 · 19/11/2017 23:32

Lonnywonny I wish it was the second but he has made some very inappropriate sexual remarks since then (like kindly letting me know he dreamed about us having an orgy) so I doubt he is planning to apologize for what happened or is afraid that I will escalate this.

My impression is that he thinks what happened was completely fine and he is not worried in the slightest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangejustforthis00 · 19/11/2017 23:35

Smith our office has individual shower cubicles as well as a communal area with sinks and mirrors. Anyway no one was around so it did not make any difference..

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/11/2017 23:38

So I think you are going to have to take the bull by the horns and report him then. You can't go on with him making those kind of remarks.

Anything in writing?? Or all verbal??

Smithy84 · 19/11/2017 23:39

Smith our office has individual shower was cubicles as well as a communal area with sinks and mirrors. Anyway no one was around so it did not make any difference..
We don't have cubicles, we're just all expected to get changed in the staff room. This means everyone just strips down to their underwear in front of everyone else. The problem is not everyone is comfortable with this, and we do have a few teenage girls who perhaps shouldn't be put in this position