Sexually assaulted at work- what to do?

[Namechangejustforthis00]

Hi all, name changed just for this as it is a delicate subject but I am a regular poster on msn.

I work for a big company with a loose policy in terms of colleagues socializing/ dating/ sleeping together. Most people are young and single and it is pretty much the norm that people sleep date around.

I have been "friends" with a male colleague who is in a very senior position. I am several ranks lower than him. We are "friends" as we have been knowing each other since high school and we come from the same hometown (not in the UK). He actually initially recommended me for this job.

I have always known this guy had a questionable attitude towards women and sex, despite the fact that he is married to a lovely woman. Occasionally he made sleazy comments about other women that I felt uncomfortable with. A couple of times he tried to hit on me "verbally" (suggesting we went home together after a night at the pub) but I always thought he was joking/ teasing and just laughed it off.

Ultimately I never confronted him, because at the end of the day I admit he is a useful contact to have in my company and I never wanted to risk that professional connection with all the future potential benefts it carries.

A month ago we agreed to grab some food together after a night at the pub but we decided to swing by the office to pick up a bag (office open 24/7 with security). We were drunk.

Once there, he dragged me to the office showers (I did not oppose any resistance as I honestly did not understand what was going on) and he put my hand on his crotch and asked me to give him oral sex.

I was honestly so surprised that I just froze, stood there jockingly begging him to go out and have food (which was the original plan). He then started touching me in a pathetic attempt to turn me on I guess. I stood there doing and saying nothing. He kept groping me. After a while he said this was "my chance" and that I was stupid to waste it. Eventually he gave up and we walked out, pretending nothing happened.

Since then not only he has been acting like nothing has happened, but he actually keeps making inappropriate comments, i.e. a couple of days ago he told me that night he had a dream he was in an orgy with me.

I don't know what to do. The more I think about this the more I realize how awful what he did to me was.

He is very well-respected and powerful in my company and I know that reporting him officially would probably hinder my career more than it would actually affect his. On the other hand I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable in his presence and I just can't pretend to laugh at his disgusting comments anymore. Thankfully we don't work together as we are in separate departments but he sits not too far from me at the office so I see him every day.

Please help, what should I do?

Smithy the way you've phrased several of your posts makes it sound like what goes on in your highly unusual 'staff changing room' is very inappropriate and, frankly, creepy.
How do other people present when this consensual crotch-brushing is taking place feel?
I don't know whether you're complaining or boasting but either way it doesn't seem helpful to the OP's problem.

Smithy that sounds like some grubby fantasy you want to draw people into taking about. Start your own thread, see how that works out for you.

Whilst he was wrong, what did you expect?

Bloody hell, some of the attitudes on this thread are appalling!

I imagine she expected to be able to walk freely around without being sexually assaulted! Is that not what you expect from life, raindrops? These are some of the situations where I have been alone with male work colleagues - in a shared house, including seeing them in towels; out on the moors and hills of the areas we take kids on expedition, just me and a male colleague for hours on end; in the pub; after having had too much to drink; alone with them in town after dark; alone with them in an office.

What did I expect? That they would treat me like a human being and not sexually assault me. And if they had in any one of those scenarios, it would be my fault? Fuck that. It would be their fault because they would be the sexual predator. As it happens, they are not and thus I have never been assaulted by a male colleague. But that is the only reason.

You go to the police.

And ffs some people - it doesn’t matter if she’d sashayed into the bar wearing a showgirl outfit and flirted heavily all night - he has absolutely no fucking right to drag her to the showers and grope her.

Op don’t go to HR before you’re gone to the police and got legal advice. Remember that HR are there to protect the company, not the employee. You will at some point need to report to HR bit get advice on how to do best. This is a police matter

You report to the police because you were sexually assaulted

These people are clever. I bet he knew he'd only be able to impose himself if he managed the situation where you might feel "obliged" or "fall for it because drunk". So, once situation managed, he went for it.

None of this is your fault.

If he'd wanted to "chat you up" in a normal way, he could have done so nicely, and slowly, to find out if you were on the same page first.

I'm.no expert on the best way to report but wanted to support you.

The ‘what did you expext’ Attitude is horribly prevalent.

A colleague of mine was continuing a business meeting from venue to airport in a taxi - as is extremely common and all of us do. The guy she was with assaulted her in the cab.

She’s a senior counsel , he was very high up in the organisation.they all closed ranks. She was given a choice of leaving with glowing references and a bonus or never working in the industry again.

So just be aware op that this may make your job untenable. It’s beyond shit

Morning, everyone.

Thank you to everyone who has already offered the OP advice and support. She has asked us to move this thread over to Employment Issues as she'd like to get a bit more advice specifically on how to handle this incident with her employer.

We're going to move this across there now.

OP in terms of your employer, I note you say you want him to be kept out of your way

He will probably will keep out of your way.

I'm sorry to say if you tell HR they will more concerned about the reputation of the organisation and probably that of a senior, than they will about you. They might agree to pay you off and give you a really good reference but it sounds like that isn't what you want.

if you want to carry on at the company but be sure he keeps out of your way, I think there's a few choices.

One is to keep quiet

another is to say to HR that an incident occurred that made you uncomfortable and could they have a word but you don't know how they will take that

if you wish to go the police, I would try and get hold of any security tapes before he does. I would want to go to the police but it sounds as if you don't and you wish to carry on in your job?

echt common practice to go back to a place of work both drunk?

Thank you all for your kind advices. It makes me feel a lot better to hear that what happened to me was indeed wrong and should not have happened.

cherry yes it is commonplace in my company to go out on Friday after work and drink with colleagues. It is advertised as a "work hard play hard" company culture, whatever that means. Most of my colleagues are young and single, so we make friends with each other and hang out together socially.

Usually people get a bit drunk, which does not mean they can't stand on their feet or anything like that. I am sure there are other companies out there where this happens fairly regularly.

@Namechangejustforthis00 FFS, someone commented that the OP flirted with this guy. EVEN IF SHE DID, she didn’t want to continue and she was forced, so OP, you can’t be blamed in any way!!! Please report the bastard, this can’t go unpunished!!

You were sexually assaulted. There are no extenuating circumstances to groping someone without their express consent. And "freezing" is actually very common, as it is a protective mechanism your brain naturally sets off. It might have done the same if you ran into a bear. Please do not blame yourself for anything, you are the victim here of a particularly vicious attack.

I practice employment law in a different jurisdiction but I think you want first to talk to an employment lawyer. What I usually tell my clients is:

1/ like 90% of victims of harassment/sexual assault in the workplace, your job is on the line here. It is unfair and incredibly enraging but that is the truth. Start thinking about what the consequences of loosing your job would be. How long can you financially go? How much money do you need to maintain your living standard? Are there any other consequences that would need to be taken into account? (E.g., not being able to pay child maintenance). How easy would it be to find a similar position in another organization? It will help with negotiations.

2/ You will have to go both into attack and defense mode. Be psychologically prepared for that, it is hard to accept. If they have a pretty lax relations in the workplace policy, HR is likely to play down your complaint and not be sympathetic - at all. You will have to be strong and stick to your guns.

3/ police involvement. Sometimes reporting helps you, sometimes it doesn't. Again, sad and fucked up truth. Your lawyer will help you decide what will serve you best. And that might be a good settlement instead of justice. Also, think about what it means personally not to seek justice. Some people need it to recover from the assault, others prefer to focus on the employment issue. There are no right or wrong way to go, you do what you need to do.

4/ evidence. Start thinking of ways to provide evidence. If he is a sleazy bastard, my guess is that you are not his only victim. Have some women left the organization without an obvious reason? Other people who could have witnessed his behavior? Record his orgy proposals whenever you can. Get him to write them. Everything you can collect will be useful with HR and/or in court.

5/ take care of yourself and reach out to organizations/medical professionals even if it is just a one off to "tell your story." It helps.

HR is there for the company. This man is much more senior to you? Unfortunately there were no witnesses to the incident and you walked into the shower area with him even if the offices have tv. Report to police first if you want to log it formally, then HR. Otherwise keep being polite professional and shut down any flirty leery comments IMMEDIATELY. Do not discuss it with him, he doesn't give a fuck. And this isn't victim blaming but please please think ahead in situations you are in and what might happen. This man is a known flirty lech, you left the workgroup drunk to go back to the office alone with him to "pick up a bag" whose idea was that? Why was it so important to do it then? It was an engineered situation, always think ahead!

Are there any senior women you could talk to? I have a couple in my place who are quite strongly feminist and there for any woman who needs to chat

AmeliaFlashtart what you are doing IS victim blaming. You might want to help but telling women they "should think ahead" because a man might not respect them saying no is perpetrating rape culture. We should not walk around expecting men to rape/assault us. A rape/assault is ALWAYS and SOLELY the perpetrator's fault. NEVER the victim's.

Ok to get back to your original question.

The reality is this is difficult. Why? Because as women we do not have an automatic right to be believed. Some women ruined that for us by making false accusations. He has a right to be assumed innocent until proven guilty. And you cannot prove it. You also have to assume he will defend himself.

So...

You were both drunk
You came back happily alone together.
Arguably you went willingly with him to the showers.
After that it’s his word against yours. No one else was there.
It’s not out with the realms of fantasy this man will protect himself. In fact it’s oretty much a given.
He will either say you tried it with him, he said no, and you are now a spurned woman trying to cause trouble, or it was consensual and you are now pissed as he doesn’t want more.
Either way it’s you against him. He’s not going to put his hands up and say, yeah, sorry about that. I’m guilty guv, is he? He’s going to say you’re some sort of deranged man stalker.
As you admit to knowing he was a sleaze, and keeping him on side, some onlookers may even think you were flirty with him. Is this possible?
In addition you wish to protect your career and he is in a power position. You have no evidence of your accusations. As said it’s you against him and he can create any defence or counter accusation he chooses. Who will they believe?

So I think personally as your job there is important to you. I’d handle it by having a quiet word with him, telling him to lay off rhe innuendo, he’s a great bloke but you don’t go for married men, hope you can still be mates and move past it.

If you can’t do that and it’s too upsetting , then you need to roll the dice and report, and in the mean time you need to start looking for another job, because neither of you will come out of it well, he will probably be less scathed than you. .some will believe you. Some will believe him, others will think there is something neither of you is saying.

An hr investigation will probably not find your accusations proven because they can’t be. Unproven and innocent is synonymous in some folks minds.

Is it fair, no, but that’s what it is when it’s your word against his.

Quick question, is he making these comments in front of others? Do people think you have been involved with him?

You need to report it to HR formally, assuming you have an HR department.

That kind of behaviour from a position of power is in no way acceptable.

The investigation should be carried out discreetly and with no blame attached to you. At least threaten to escalate to police if that does not happen. Chances are that other women will have been treated similarly by him. Demand to not have to work with him going forwards.

Simultaneously look for a new job, just in case you are not treated fairly. If the company is large and/or have a decent reputation they will have to take you seriously.

There is a lot of victim blaming going on this thread. Consent should be continuing. Regardless of what OP thought about going back to the office the moment she said no, he had to stop. Beyond that point he assaulted her. End of.

And as for ‘she should have known’, he was senior to her and in a position of responsibility. He should have been avoiding anything even vaguely ambiguous.

No she doesn’t “have” to report it. Yes they have to take her seriously. But they also have to take him seriously in what he says.

If he counter accuses, what then? He’s not going to just say sorry. He will defend himself. She needs to take that into account when she decides.

What if he says, yes, I didn’t want to get her in trouble, but we got back and she was all over me, I declined and she got nasty. She wants a promotion and has threatened me. Now she’s doing this to get revenge as I refused her, she was pissed, the security guard can tell you. What the hell will we do with her?
Or what if he says yes, it was consensual, we shagged in the showers at her request, but then she’s being pressurising me for more, I was a stupid mistake but now she’s turned nasty as I don’t want more. She’s told me she wants a pay rise and if she doesn’t get it she will do this.. What the hell will we do with her? We can’t have this kind of loose cannon in the business.

She needs to decide what’s more important to her, her job there or trying to bring him to rights, because she has to assume he will defend himself vigoursly and that defence will be throwing her under the bus. It could also impact her future career at other companies depending on what he says.

Get an employment lawyer OP, as you can see from this thread you are going to need some support. Hopefully someone qualified to practice in the U.K. will come along shortly to give you the appropriate legal advice.

AmeliaFlashtart - Thank you for the condescending invitation to join your sad world where you are expecting people to assault you if you make a "mistake", but nope, cheers, I will happily stay in the world where consent is key, human beings are expected to respect others' boundaries and those who do not should be punished.
That list of "mistakes" is a list of excuses you are making for that man. Would you have done the same if someone was not assaulted but robbed? Like he needed money and she walked out of a bank -alone-, that is too bad for her?! I am sure you can see how ridiculous that sounds.
I urge you to rethink your attitude towards rape/assault and realize that by holding women solely responsible for their safety, you are not protecting anyone. In fact, this is the same as giving men a free pass to assault women.

OP, I don't have any massive practical advice to add to that provided by some PPs, but just wanted to say that the way you dealt with the groping, just telling that pillock repeatedly that you wanted to go and get food, actually sounds like the stress response of "friending" - keeping the assaulting person onside in a situation that's dangerous.

I wanted to mention it because you sounded a bit surprised that that was your response... actually, it was probably a very sensible one.

Good luck on the road ahead...and please ignore the victim blaming posts!

UnicornInTraining
For someone who claims to be legally trained you aren't attentive to detail, OP isn't in the UK so your advice is ridiculous. The rest of your post is emotional and you come across as young and naive. OP played with fire thinking it would be useful to keep this man onside and it backfired in an unpleasant way. FFS stop bleating your black and white thinking.

And I don't see anywhere the OP said no, she says she stood there jokingly saying lets get some food.lets go eat.