Work is driving me to nervous breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I'd appreciate some advice on what to do as I'm at breaking point with both my job and my home life.
I work 75% hours over four days and I have three small children. My husband works shifts. I am constantly under pressure at work to make early meetings or go away for two or three days at a time. I have no team support around me, my job is done by me and me only in isolation. I'm always late for work as my children are frankly a freakin nightmare to get ready in the morning and my commute takes 90 minutes. It's frequently nearly 10am when I get to work and I'm constantly worrying I'm going to get fired. I'm often overlooked for extra work and ignored in meetings. I feel like they are doing me a favour by employing me. The Brexit decision has made my job likely to disappear as I do a lot of EU work. I've been paralysed with fear about this as it would give them a reason to fire me. I've tried to talk to my bosses about it this week and they've dismissed me as being hysterical. I've left work early today as I've spent more time crying than working and I'm crying my way home tonight again.
What also doesn't help is that me and my husband are on the verge of separation. He doesn't take my work stress seriously (I think he thinks my job is just a hobby) and every time I try to tell him I can't cope anymore he just says 'yeah I had a shit day today too'.
What can I do? I fear I'm either going to get fired or end up walking out because I can't cope with the stress anymore.

I also have three children aged 8, 5 and 2 and I work full time, so I certainly empathize. Work stresses can be miserable and i completely understand how you can feel as though you're holding on by your fingertips.

That said, I think you need to work on your morning routine. I need to be out of the house by 7:45 most mornings, so I am up at 6:15. Like you I am up and showered before I wake the kids up and feed them. I get that this is where things can get haywire, so they basically get no freedom in the morning. I literally walk up the stairs with them and direct the proceedings. While A is in the bathroom I'm helping B get dressed. Then they swap over. When they're both dressed - and yes, I can be something of a drill Sargent about it - they are sent downstairs to put shoes on. When they're sitting with shoes on they get TV time. while they are starting the bathroom routine I'm bathing and dressing C. I don't eat breakfast in the morning and get something at work.

What I don't do in the morning? Anything else! Letters from school that aren't given to me the night before do not get read and actioned at 7:25. Too bloody bad if something gets missed.

I know that there are lots of work issues that won't get resolved on an Internet forum, but changes to your morning routine can make a huge difference. I'm hardcore with the kids in the morning because it's the only thing that works...and honestly, if they are playing silly buggers with each other's clothes, etc, then they face the consequences. If that means the 8 year old going to school in the wrong uniform, the embarrassment they'll experience will probably ensure they wear their own clothes after that.

Good luck! It's not easy...but not impossible either.

ChunkyMum I can't believe they asked you to take a conference call on the school run! That is clearly a person who has never travelled in a car with children, let alone done the school run!
In one way it's nice to know I'm not alone in finding the requirements to work and be a mum means never eating, resting or sleeping. But then on the other hand, it's heartbreaking.
Whenever I have a problem I think 'would a man have this issue' and the answer to this scenario is 'no way never' so why do I have it?

Oh and well done all you people with your perfect routines to get umpteen children ready and out of the door with no fuss.
Thats so helpful to know where I'm failing. If only I applied myself I'm sure I'd be skipping to work to get on with my shite job faster, eh?

I'm assuming I'm one of the people with the "perfect routines" that you're being snarky about. I shared details of my routine because I thought it might be helpful, not in a passive-aggressive way of saying "aren't I perfect". I suspect I'm not alone in thinking that this was a kinder response than "Get your shit together OP, you work 28 hours a week, not 48."

The point I was making was I didn't ask for parenting advice, I asked for advice on how to make my job work for me rather than it killing me. Of course you could say 'stop being so pathetic and get on with it' but that wouldn't be helpful either. That's the message I've been telling myself for years and its lead me here.

You haven't been given parenting advice. You asked for advice on dealing with a stressful work and home situation and that's the advice you've received. Most of the (excellent) advice you've received has been rejected with a multitude of reasons why you can't/won't change what you're currently doing. Fine. Continue to drive yourself to a nervous breakdown.

I don't know if this helps you, but I read a book about a year ago called "I know how she does it" and it really changed my perspective on balancing a full-time stressful job with family life (2 DC's).

I'm similar to you in that I've got a big commute and have to get the kids ready and out in the morning and I know how hard it is.

You sound really anxious too which again I've been there and it is s horrible hideous thing. Try doing the headspace app for 10 mins each morning on the bus - it really helped me and you'll get to work alot calmer.

Please stop worrying what people think of you at work as they probably don't really care (in the nicest possible way, especially if you hot desk and aren't sitting next to the same people each day)

The thing is, you sound like you're trying to please too many people. In a few years when the kids are bigger it will get much easier I promise.

Finally, please try to look after yourself as you are worth it.

Finally, remember you're not alone in this. Working with kids is bloody hard work and the fact you're keeping them alive, they're happy and healthy and you're working hard to clothe, feed and put a roof over their heads means you're doing a lot better than lots of other parents!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0241199514/ref=mpssa111?ie=UTF8&qid=1467704852&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=i+know+how+she+does+it&dpPl=1&dpID=51Gu4fTyJrL&ref=plSrch

This isn't the job for you. Everything you have said points to that. You can't stay in a job only because you need the money....it will cause damage to your health and well-being and eventually you won't be able to work there anyway either because you will be too unwell to work or because they will decide for you.

You also can't stay in the job hoping it will change. It won't. It will just get worse.

You will have to be the change here. Go to your GP and get signed off sick (you are unwell...you must believe this!). In the time you are off work, learn to meditate (I would personally recommend transcendental meditation but some people prefer mindfulness techniques....there are courses everywhere!). Find a new job.

I wish you the very best of luck but please take action. You are stuck in a vicious circle and you have to get out.

This isn't the job for you. Everything you have said points to that. You can't stay in a job only because you need the money....it will cause damage to your health and well-being and eventually you won't be able to work there anyway either because you will be too unwell to work or because they will decide for you.

Amen to that. With bells on.

I have had a salutary reminder of that this week as a lovely colleague has suddenly disappeared with what appears to be a nervous breakdown :(...

In the meantime, put on your 'don't give a fuck pants'. I too have a long commute and realised that busting a gut to get there for 9.30 just wasn't worth it as my boss wasn't there at that time anyway. I now tend to work a late start/late finish day and it works much better for me. But when I walk in late, I don't scuttle in with my head low, apologising left, right and centre - I walk in confidently, say 'Good Morning' and start my day. Put down much firmer boundaries around your availability at work - if it is shit there anyway, what have you got to lose?

I agree with you that others bragging about their well drilled morning routines probably isn't what you need to hear right now, however well meaning. Even if you were in the headspace to approach this aspect of the day it wouldn't magically solve your problems. It doesn't matter what your contracted hours are, if you are feeling pressure to do more than you are physically & mentally capable of within those hours and being guilt tripped by colleagues for not being available outside those hours, then it takes a huge amount of determination & will power to not let that stress you out. If you can't easily switch to/from work & home modes you get the constant feeling of being torn in a million directions which is bound to wear you down. When I first went back to work part time it was to my old role and surprise surprise ended up trying to squeeze the same amount/quality of work into 75% of the hours.... i.e. catching up on emails/finishing reports till late every night. Sneakily doing emails during non-work days ... then feeling guilty that not appreciating time with kids. Feeling so self conscious that "no I can't do a 9:00 meeting tomorrow" or "no I can't hang on in the one that's overrunning till 6:00 today", not even just this once. TBH I'm not sure at what point I stopped caring and why, but that's what saved my sanity. If it gets done it gets done, if it doesn't it doesn't. It's not being weak, it's being human. Maybe counselling would help you with the stress maybe it wouldn't. Maybe a new job would make a difference maybe it won't. But you have to do something to make a change or you will have that breakdown you are foreseeing. Only you can decide what to try next and whilst you are still on the treadmill it's hard to think clearly to do this, which is why getting signed off with stress, even for a very little while, might not be a bad thing in the long run.

Christ alive this sounds like utter shit.

No it isn't normal to cry every day at work and feel completely unsupported and undermined.

I don't know anyone who walks 5miles to work and back every day for the fitness boost

I wouldn't, in the end, rule out moving somewhere cheaper so you can do something else - tbh this would be first on my list, not a last resort. Something has got to change.

I know that this isn't possible for the vast majority of people but if I were in your situation I would be on the phone to my mum and ask her to move to my town for a year month and be my childminder. No more getting any kids out of the door, just to do all that. There aren't many mums who either could or would though.

Then I know this is a real smug middle class thing to say but we nearly bankrupted ourselves paying a shared nanny for a year, and it was worth it 100%. Is it possible that it could be affordable given you are paying the childminder for 3 places?? For us, we wanted her 11am to 7pm and that worked brilliantly but what you want is someone in the house doing the children's routine. Then, bang, you are in work early, having had breakfast and feeling like your brain is in a single piece instead of shattered into a thousand ground glass bits.

I am surprised tbh that you didn't consider the antidepressants as a real possibility - you certainly sound depressed. Just because you have an obvious reason why you are depressed doesn't mean you aren't.

Someone who is sleeping for shit, eating for shit, earning all the money, with no support at work and home and doing motherhood to 3 chidren - this is not sustainable. Something will break and it will probably be you.

I am reading all this thinking "what is the problem here?" "What would I do?"

Ive got 3 too but smaller than yours and I work 28h in a job I tolerate which brings in the money.

But the truth is: if I had your problem I'd speak with dh and we'd come up with a plan. So my assessment is that is your problem. Your dh is useless.

Not the easiest to solve but I bet if you had someone on your team you'd feel much better.

If you came to see me with this I would immediately sign you off for 2 weeks whilst your brain rested and got your anxiety levels calmed down. You are at the end of your tether and I am concerned you will crack. I would then see you back and discuss how you could help yourself manage this.
I know you said you're not depressed but to be honest severe anxiety and stress can be managed by antidepressants as they have a dual action. Diazepam is an absolute non starter as it is so easy for the dose to escalate and the underlying problem not be solved.
Please take a step back from your job go on sick leave and take a chance to breath. Your children are probably feeding on your stress and making it 10 times worse. And commuting in London can be a nightmare if you're not on the right tube lines as crossing them can take for ever.

I'm worried that being signed off won't help. I'm worried I'm going to be sacked anyway so I don't want to give them a reason. Disappearing off with vague 'I'm stressed' reasons just at the point that the schools break up fir the summer is going to look suspicious I think.
I'm definitely not depressed. If I could change my job and my relationship my mental health would improve. I can't do either (well at least not quickly) which is why I wanted the diazepam to help me cope with the fight or flight responses I'm battling all the time. It's nothing to do with a seratonin re-uptake malfunction.
I also don't have the space or luxury of thinking about things. If I'm at work, I'm working, if I'm at home I'm looking after the kids. If I say 'I can't look after the kids' it means my husband has to do it. He's knackered himself and does early morning shifts. If I say I'm not coping, he says the same. If im tired, he's more tired. We don't have any family to help either. I wish we did.
I just feel like I've set myself up for this failure. I'm the one who had three kids and tried to keep a career going and have a good marriage and it's not worked. I look like an idiot for even trying. And my husband is only emotionally useless. He's good at doing the ironing and sweeping the floor. Just no good at helping me fix my work life balance.

And thank you Thistoo and Annandale and Musicaltheatremum.

Could you take acweek of unpaid parental leave instead?

Take a look at your work policies to see if your fears of being sacked if you are signed off are real.

Diazepam can be a huge help. I've taken one tablet on a few very rare occasions in the past - years apart - and it has 'taken the edge off' at times of high anxiety. Your GP will probably only give you a few tablets but I think it's worth asking for, at least in the short-term.

*P.S. I'm not a GP but the GPs I have seen in the past have been willing to prescribe in my particular situation. I understand the objection some GPs have to it.

I can totally understand why you are pried about getting signed off sick but how long can you keep going the way you are?

Musicaltheatremum has given you the advice I would give. Your choice whether or not to take it but it is very sound advice.

It is good your husband is willing to do household chores....I know you say he is "emotionally useless" but helping with practical tasks is a good thing and takes some pressure off you.

I mentioned meditation and mindfulness practice in my last post and still think this is something you could consider in the future.

As I say, your choice as to what you do. I think a new job is vital for you but you will need to be in a better place to get that job which is why taking time off is going to be important. It's so easy to think that you are not "ill" but severe stress will lead you to anxiety and depression if it hasn't already. Continue as you are and you will be forced to take time off. You can either take control of it now or leave it until someone else takes control for you.

I wish you luck and hope you decide to take action.

Ok so I went to my GP this morning. Apparently it's all down to my diet and if I start eating more vegetables (bearing in mind I'm vegetarian) then I will be fine and cope. I could try something like eating raw broccoli for breakfast on the tube ... I'm delighted I bothered to go to them to tell them I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown and I feel I can't cope anymore. If only more people knew the power of raw broccoli to fix stress and anxiety.

Seriously? I've been following your thread because I've been where you are. Numerous times and I wish I knew the solution. It just ebbs and flows. But more veg? More veg? No wonder people don't head to the gp.

How do you feel now? What next?

I read your thread yesterday op and it really stuck with me, I am glad you posted again today.

Practical: can you see a different GP at your practice today? Some GPs are more useful than others, particularly when thinking about mental health. If you're veggie have you had your iron levels checked? I was veggie but it was making me ill - low iron, extreme tiredness, hair falling out so I went back to eating fish then meat again. You could always self certify for a week and be vague on the sickness forms if you are worried about saying you think you're having mental health problems.

Children: there's probably 2 weeks left of school so can you bribe them to get ready quicker in the mornings and not fuss about? I don't know what would work with yours - we get ours downstairs quickly with the option of watching milkshake but maybe an unhealthy sugary breakfast, money, a promise of a happy meal or something else mn would disapprove of might work.

Life: can you outsource some practical life stuff so you could just focus on work for a bit to give you some headspace? Ready meals and takeaways a few nights could free up your husband to do washing, cleaning and admin so you could focus on work. I've been there as a part timer who is looked over and dismissed for years and this is in a female dominated profession - sometimes it is the workplace, not the employee.

you've dismissed counselling as you've had some bad experiences but I would recommend it (I would, I'm a trained counsellor though!). If you find someone yourself you could find someone you click with - the therapeutic relationship between the counsellor and client is what can make the counselling be most effective and if you are having someone randomly allocated to you then there is a possibility that it might not work for you.

I hope you find a bit of breathing space today

Oh that's no good at all. Did you ask to be signed off? Were you open the idea to medication?

Please find a way to take some time off you sound in desperate need of a break.

Bangs head on table at the advice you were given. Have some I eat loads of broccoli and I'm still stressed. (Not as much as you though)

I feel discouraged and despondent. I'd laugh if I weren't crying. Maybe the magic broccoli could mop up my tears. It took two weeks to get that appointment so the chances of getting another one today are very slim. Tbh I'm not sure I want to try again today though. It just feels like I'm not being listened to again and I'm proper fed up with that. I didn't ask to be signed off as I've got a ridiculous amount of meetings and site visits to do over the next couple of weeks and being away will really set me back.
I am definitely anaemic - my iron count was the lowest it's ever been today. I've been anaemic for nearly 6 years now and they just keep giving me iron tablets to take. They don't seem to make any difference which worries me, but there doesn't seem to be any more they want to offer me. Apart from more vegetables.
And the counselling thing. I'm happy it works for some people, but I'm not prepared to ever again go through the heartache that three attempts at counselling has brought me over the last 18 months.
I wanted the diazampam, I got offered leafy greens.
(On top of that I have a very painful hip bursitis which I asked for some physio for but I was told to take painkillers and maybe try acupuncture. Maybe I need to have the breakdown to get anyone to bloody listen to me)