Work is driving me to nervous breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I'd appreciate some advice on what to do as I'm at breaking point with both my job and my home life.
I work 75% hours over four days and I have three small children. My husband works shifts. I am constantly under pressure at work to make early meetings or go away for two or three days at a time. I have no team support around me, my job is done by me and me only in isolation. I'm always late for work as my children are frankly a freakin nightmare to get ready in the morning and my commute takes 90 minutes. It's frequently nearly 10am when I get to work and I'm constantly worrying I'm going to get fired. I'm often overlooked for extra work and ignored in meetings. I feel like they are doing me a favour by employing me. The Brexit decision has made my job likely to disappear as I do a lot of EU work. I've been paralysed with fear about this as it would give them a reason to fire me. I've tried to talk to my bosses about it this week and they've dismissed me as being hysterical. I've left work early today as I've spent more time crying than working and I'm crying my way home tonight again.
What also doesn't help is that me and my husband are on the verge of separation. He doesn't take my work stress seriously (I think he thinks my job is just a hobby) and every time I try to tell him I can't cope anymore he just says 'yeah I had a shit day today too'.
What can I do? I fear I'm either going to get fired or end up walking out because I can't cope with the stress anymore.

You wouldn't die cycling plenty of people do it safely. It would definitely give you more control over your commute and what sounds like much needed endorphins.

Maybe go and see a different GP as It is possible that you're depressed.

Also sometimes when my husband has a case of the won't listens or if I'm being particularly bad at verbalising how I feel I write him a letter or email telling him, it seems to stop the butting in and assumption making when it's laid out in black & white.

Or what about a moped? Even in London 90
Minutes to go 7 miles is ridiculous surely?

Are you a PA Hay? I'm working 5 days a week 9.30-2.30 so I get to do my school runs and drive to work.

I had a breaking point last year, I honestly couldn't cope any longer.
I asked for a laptop so I could log in and catch up in the evening for an hour or two (claimed flat rate overtime on top of my 25hr week)

Leaving at 2.30 and being able to get home with 3dc really made the difference for me. Would you think about applying for flexible working along the same lines?

I'm now working in the same role paid for 40hrs a week With a combination of working a couple of long days plus home working and catching up in the evenings but it took a full year to find my feet but I felt better being in the flexible working arrangement plus my manager supports the arrangement because he really couldn't manage to do what he does every day without me knowing the ins and outs of everything

I'm not sure what a career coach does and how they are qualified? I just have visions of Jez from Peep Show!
And I definitely would never consider cycling to work. The roads are just too dangerous, plus I would need specialist kit, showering at work, schlepping helmet around, coping with wet weather, we have nowhere at the front of our house to store a bike etc. Just adds to my stress rather than detracts.
I would fear the same danger with a moped and they are hot potatoes round here. My neighbour's was stolen just the other day by someone who literally lifted into a transit and drove off.

I'm not a PA no. I would be the world's worst PA. I have the memory of a goldfish.
I already make as much use of the flexible working my employer offers but I feel like it's frowned upon for me to do it. I'm supposed to check emails on my non working day and weekends to keep up with stuff and I'm expected to attend meetings and site visits on my non working days or early in the morning too. I've been asked to go away for three days in September but I just can't because of my husband's job. I just feel like I'm falling short of everyone's expectations. If I'm at work too much my husband gets the arse and if I'm slacking at work I'm worrying I'm going to get the sack. I'm spread so thinly I could snap.

And as I said to my GP when he offered me anti depressants I'm not depressed, I'm stressed. Take away the stress and I'd be happy.

I don't think it's your job that's driving you to a nervous breakdown. I think it's your home life set up.

Your journey to work takes too long (I know - I'm stating the bleeding obvious)

Do you get the kids to school as soon as breakfast club starts?

Where is your dh in all of this?

I'm sure you could lose the work stress if you weren't chasing your tail the whole time. It sounds really difficult.

What time are you getting the DC to BC, how old are they (sorry if I missed it)

I don't think its just the commute that's your problem - it sounds like and i could be way off base but it sounds like you have a severe lack of confidence in your ability to deal with your colleagues and you have no help getting three kids ready in the morning - a stressful combination without the 90 minute commute 3 days a week.

I think you should feel free to say no to the three days away in September, why should any employer demand you leave your children when you don't want to.

I think you would benefit from being signed off sick for a few weeks. The level of stress you are experiencing must be sending a toxic frenzy around your brain and body!!!

How long would it take to walk 7 miles? Probably around 90 minutes but the exercise may help your adrenaline levels etc. (not sure you want to hear that).

How old are your DC? Are you expected to do a full time job in part time hours?

I feel for you OP. I work 28 hours a week in a very stressful job, and have two DC and a DH who isn't around much to help during the week. To be honest I'm seriously considering finding a more part time job, as I'm essentially squeezing 100% work in 80% hours.

But things that help me at the moment:

• DH taking DC out for periods of a couple of hours at weekends, so I can do chores or relax.
• Having a cleaner, and expanding her hours so she can do ironing and laundry folding as well.
• Lowering standards - limited cooking during the week, accepting a level of untidiness, and watching to with DC when we're all tired.

I've also just requested some extra unpaid parental leave (which you're legally entitled, although of course it's missed income). This will hopefully allow me to get on top of things a bit more, and have a couple of fun days out with the DC.

I feel for you OP. I work 28 hours a week in a very stressful job, and have two DC and a DH who isn't around much to help during the week. To be honest I'm seriously considering finding a more part time job, as I'm essentially squeezing 100% work in 80% hours.

But things that help me at the moment:

• DH taking DC out for periods of a couple of hours at weekends, so I can do chores or relax.
• Having a cleaner, and expanding her hours so she can do ironing and laundry folding as well.
• Lowering standards - limited cooking during the week, accepting a level of untidiness, and watching to with DC when we're all tired.

I've also just requested some extra unpaid parental leave (which you're legally entitled, although of course it's missed income). This will hopefully allow me to get on top of things a bit more, and have a couple of fun days out with the DC.

This is run by a MNer by phone/Skype and you get a free trial for 30mins. One to ponder as you seem to be doing yourself down massively at work:

artemismindsetcoaching.com/

Oops sorry didn't mean to post twice

Nothing is worth this level of stress. You do have options, though they'r hard to see when you are so crushed by the strain of your circumstances.
A job close to home with no commute would be one option. You may take a reduction in pay but offset that against no commuting costs, lower childcare costs and it may work out comparable for far less stress. It's worth looking into.
Anti-depressants can help with stress too. Several friends of mine have used Sertraline for limited stress-related issues and found it effective. There's no harm or shame in taking them. And unlike diazepam they're not addictive. Don't dismiss them as an option.

I think that you might need to just stop, for a bit.

Ask your doctor to sign you off. Just a gap, to regain perspective.
If you are crying most days I think that is a real sign of trouble on the horizon. You might think you can avoid it, but I think it will find you...

Have you looked at commuting costs? You might even be better off with something more local.

It does seem like your stress has morphed into you having depression as well. Your self esteem is so low it screams out that you actually are very depressed.

please be kind to yourself and be brave enough to step off the merry go round for a little while so you don't go under completely

I have been somewhere very similar to where you are and sought help with my mental health from a BACP counsellor, which has helped a lot.
Don't necessarily dismiss counselling because of a couple you didn't like.

Does your work have an employee assistance scheme?

The GP might prescribe you anti-Ds and a bit of time off sick.

For now I would try to worry less about what people at work think of you: you're turning up, doing what you can, they are not telling you you're useless or firing you, so you can bumble through. It's impossible to do well at work with relationship problems at home and you have a lot on your shoulders, and are doing well just getting there!

It sounds like your relationship is a dead end and that your H is unsupportive at best and possibly abusive (you mention his bullying). it might make sense to start to think about other options.

I am expected to do a full time job in part time hours. There are no concessions. I'm worried that if I take time off sick it will just make the problem worse and as soon as I go back, the problem if lack of work life Balance will still be there. Plus I think my husband will frown upon me taking time off (he has more sick leave than I've ever had, but my time is not my own) and my boss will think I'm not up to the job. It's like they didn't really want to give a man's job to a woman so they are always looking to catch me out. I've been limping along for months now. The patches are starting to show.
I have tried my work employee support service and they provided me with the two useless counsellors. I really really never want to have counselling again. Ever. It's a pile of shite as far as I'm concerned.
And my DCs are 8, 5 and 2. I get them to breakfast club at 8.20. I can't manage it any earlier than that, that's getting up at 6.30 and haranguing the kids for nearly two hours to put there uniform on and clean their teeth while I try to persuade the baby to get dressed and stay dressed, not tip things down the loo, not empty out the cupboards plus refeering endless sibling squabbles. Some days I wonder how I remember to get myself dressed.
My husband occasionally has a day off in the week and I usually use that to get up a bit later. I'm also a terrible sleeper so I'm permanently exhausted (and I'm anaemic. Probably because I live on toast and chocolate.). Anyway I digress. So by the time I get to work to face all the shit there, I'm useless. I'm not in any state to be strident and confident and ambitious. I just want to cry,

I agree the commute is not the only problem I was only suggesting that there could be a way of making more time. There are solutions to your problems OP but I understand that in the circumstances you can't see them and whilst it's easy to say get a new job it's difficult to do when you're at rock bottom. There has been some good advice on this thread that I won't add to. I do wish you all the best at working through this and hope you find a way through this.

You are mentally and physically exhausted. If you don't step off you may not have a choice to stop work - mother nature may intervene. The signs are there that you need to do something. When I was being made redundant I was signed off for a couple of weeks. I thought I was going mad, took two weeks out and it helped. I know you worry what work will think what your husband will think, but what about you and your needs and the kids? If you go under then what? Please take a couple of weeks off and find a different, closer job. Look after yourself xx

OP, you could walk that 7 miles in 90 minutes, and it would be enormously good for your mental and physical health.

Could you do your 75% over 5 days instead? That would take some pressure off your hours.

Where's your DH when you are wrangling the kids for school? That should be a job for both of you.

Try taking Floradix or Ferroglobin for anaemia - really helps. And L-Tyrosine for tiredness and low energy. It's just an amino acid you can buy at Holland and Barrett. It's really helped me.

You need time off. Take it. F**k work if they are driving you to the brink by expecting you to do a full week's work in 28 hours. Your health and family are more important than this. Get signed off for a month. Even if you have to get DC to school, come home and go to bed and rest, go for walks, make some healthy food, give yourself a breather. And look for some local jobs. Do it now before the summer holidays, so you do actually get some time to yourself to to take care of yourself.

OP I really feel for you. Part time hours are such a bl**dy poisoned chalice. I can't imagine how hard this must be with 3 DCs and the stress of not knowing about your job.

Go back to your doctors. I know you don't want to take anti-depressants, but would it be worth giving them a try? Something has got to change as this is not sustainable for you. If that's too much just now then try St Johns Wort in addition to the supplements suggested above. It will take a few weeks to work but it does make me feel a bit happier - however not recommended with oral contraception as makes it less effective.

There are some great tips from people on how to reduce some of the workload at home and at work, but it sounds as if you're not able to process things at the minute. Do you have any holidays coming up as you clearly need some decompression time?

Oh and on the working on your non working days. You need to start being a bit thick-skinned. This happens to all of us who work part time. You just need to say no that's a non working day and I have no childcare. People actually think more of you if you're not jumping through hoops to keep them happy.

TBH I think you would be better of going back to working full time... your workload wouldn't increase but the money would!