Work is driving me to nervous breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I'd appreciate some advice on what to do as I'm at breaking point with both my job and my home life.
I work 75% hours over four days and I have three small children. My husband works shifts. I am constantly under pressure at work to make early meetings or go away for two or three days at a time. I have no team support around me, my job is done by me and me only in isolation. I'm always late for work as my children are frankly a freakin nightmare to get ready in the morning and my commute takes 90 minutes. It's frequently nearly 10am when I get to work and I'm constantly worrying I'm going to get fired. I'm often overlooked for extra work and ignored in meetings. I feel like they are doing me a favour by employing me. The Brexit decision has made my job likely to disappear as I do a lot of EU work. I've been paralysed with fear about this as it would give them a reason to fire me. I've tried to talk to my bosses about it this week and they've dismissed me as being hysterical. I've left work early today as I've spent more time crying than working and I'm crying my way home tonight again.
What also doesn't help is that me and my husband are on the verge of separation. He doesn't take my work stress seriously (I think he thinks my job is just a hobby) and every time I try to tell him I can't cope anymore he just says 'yeah I had a shit day today too'.
What can I do? I fear I'm either going to get fired or end up walking out because I can't cope with the stress anymore.

Or another option can your DH look at his job - who earns more, particularly if you were f/t?

It sounds like you're really clever, but it would kill most people trying to do a full time job in 75% of the time, I know as it nearly ended me.

Also something that really helped me was getting a work mentor. I asked a woman I admired who is more senior than me and part time to be my mentor and she agreed. It really helped having someone impartial to discuss things with and my resilience and coping skills have developed a lot as a result.

I do sometimes still get very anxious but I seem to have more coping strategies now.

oh god, if I had to wrangle 3 kids up at half 6 then walk to work for 7 miles I think I'd shoot myself

op, somethings got to give, you already know that

I'm not saying LTB...but what actual use is your dh here?

None is the short answer! The best thing he does is tidying. He's obsessed with having everything tidy. He wanted a dyson for Father's Day! I know that might sound like a dream to most people but what I'd prefer is emotional support. It also sets a standard in the house that I feel I can't let down. I worry about leaving a cup unwashed or not emptying the dishwasher.
I don't want to work full time, I'd miss out on everything with my kids. We could swap over as I earn more full time than he does but I don't want to do that.
Also I've just properly checked how far my office is from home. It's 13 miles. 3 hours walking or 90 mins cycling. Definitely out of the question.
And I don't have any holiday spare for me to use for me. I have to cover all the school holidays as my husband's are fixed by his employer. And they never fall in school holidays. I'm saying nothing about the fact he gets two weeks off every three months all to himself ...

So the obvious answer is for him to try to look for another job which means he can take time off during school holidays.

Would that be a possibility?

OK I wouldn't walk 13 miles either. 5 yes, 13 no.

What does he do when he's off for two weeks? Could you take advantage of that somehow with your employer and work five day weeks sometimes when he is off in order to get some three day weeks when he is not? Or stay near your work in a travelodge a couple of times (can be cheap if you book early) to give yourself a break?

Look into holiday clubs to cover some of the holidays to give you more time.

Your set up is unsustainable. That's why you are finding it hard.

And stop worrying about not loading the dishwasher or what your colleagues think of you. You are placing the highest standards on yourself in every area, assuming that others are applying them and getting worried. I do the exact same thing so I know that's an utterly horrible way to live.

Have you ever asked your DH if he minds always doing the dishwasher or have you just assumed?

Do you have a women's network at your employer? Getting involved with mine has made a massive difference to how I feel about work, just having support from outside the department and someone else to talk things over with. It can be really important in a male-dominated environment.

He's obsessive about the dishwasher. Reloads it if I do it as it has to be perfect ..,

There is a women's network at work but I've never looked in to it. Bizarrely they make it very difficult to find out about them.

Ok, if he reloads it, leave him to it (weird, mine does too!).

Apart from tidying, what other stuff does he do? Batch cooking? Ironing?

The MN mantra is that you should have roughly equal amounts of free time after work, commute, childcare and chores. Do you?

First off you sound clinically depressed so I really think you should see the doctor, a different one, and get yourself well.

Second off, you need a plan for the next year to eighteen months to see you through. I really do wonder if you would be better or reorganising your working hours, with a flexible working request so that you don't officially start until 10.00. You could work six hours each day, so a tiny bit nor than now whilst taking the morning pressure off. Something has to give I think and perhaps it's the Fridays at home.

Moving on from that I suspect you really do need to gave a long hard look at your relationship. Perhaps don't discount something like Relate. I've heard from friends it's been helpful in crystallizing the direction they need to take regardless of the extent to which their DH has engaged or been bullish.

Finally, could you reduce outgoings by moving out a bit. Some long commutes are much much faster than the protracted across London ones.

I was in a similar situation re work, I was not coping and it was making me ill. I went to my GP who was wonderful and signed me off immediately, we decided jointly not to go down the anti depressant route, (not an immediate benefit and then possibly long term use). Instead I had weekly appointments with her to monitor my mood and she tasked me to do something for myself each week, eg some form of exercise or a treat. The time off allowed me to take stock and get my self together mentally and physically. I ended up resigning from that job and getting an interim job (which I hated!). However, I then found a wonderful job, where I am now and could not be happier!
I'm telling you this because I know how you feel, I was in utter despair, not sleeping, being irritable with everyone, losing confidence in myself that I could actually do any job properly. There is a history of mental illness in my family and I was terrified that I was cracking up and had to do something to prevent that. PLEASE go to your GP and tell them everything, you need help now.

The last couple of posters have said it:

The working hours and commute are unsustainable, leave all the housework to DH if he complains "I don't have time because I have to do x y z and I am sick of criticising what I do so won't bother anymore"

I really think you need to see the GP too, you are at the point where you can't look to yourself and have some self belief to make a better choice due to your state of mind. That is a very sad and lonely place to be.

There is a women's network at work but I've never looked in to it. Bizarrely they make it very difficult to find out about them.

Ours is only allowed to send out emails etc to those who are already members. This is an ongoing discussion with HR and whoever else is involved with making such decisions... It definitely adds a challenge for those wanting to find out more.

Why does it take so long to get the kids ready ? My son dithers in a morning if he has time to so we've got it down to a fine art, up, teeth, wash, dressed, breakfast out - no down time at all, no tv iPad etc or he just slows down. Could you get them into a better routine ? Since ive started this we get 20 mins longer in bed as he's not mucking around. Win win.

Notapzzaeater I know you are trying to be helpful but comparing getting one child ready is not the same as three. I accept the devil is I the detail with bookbags, pe kit, instruments, clothes out the night before and possibly table laid for breakfast bu until you juggle three you don't understand the dynamics.

Hope you are ok op

I was also wondering about the morning routine this seems to be the simplest place to start, when the mornings are crap the day seems harder so this could be a big thing.

What takes the most time? What is the most challenging part? If the school's next door, what time do you have to leave the house to be at work by 9?

I realise that - but 2 hours to get 3 kids up and out seems extreme. If the OP could shave half an hour off that it's extra time possibly in bed as she's exhausted.

If I'm a shouty mum in the morning I'm already down before all the added shit.

Mornings go like this. Me up, showered, part dressed (to avoid any muck getting on my clothes), older two up and given quick drink and toast before sending off to clean teeth and get dressed (clothes laid out the night before). I then make myself tea to drink on commute and get youngest up and dress her, do teeth. Then finish getting dressed myself, gather up bags, water, fruit etc, onto scooters, toddler into buggy and off to childminder's/breakfast club. Sounds easy, no? Well add into all of that the endless pissing about. The fighting, the 'he's locked me out of the bathroom' the I've put my brother's clothes on for a laugh, the I'm not getting dressed mummy, the I've just removed all my clothes while you put your mascara on mummy, the I've emptied all your tampons down the loo, mummy, the 'here's a form to be filled in today which I forgot to give you mummy, the 'I want to take something obscure for show and tell mummy and I'm going to have a tantrum' and fuck the sun is shining so sun cream three kids or fuck it's raining so find three pairs of wellies and you can see where two hours get eaten up. For me to get to work for 9 with my commute I would need to leave at 7.30am, so that would mean getting up at 5.30am. Arriving at 9am is my dream.
And there is no tv in the morning and my kids never play on the iPad. Unless you've had to get three kids ready and get yourself ready you cannot compare. I get up at 6.30, arrive at work at 9.45 and I haven't had any breakfast, just a cup of tea drunk on the commute. And then I have to deal with all the shite at work until 6pm do another 90 mins commute home, put my kids to bed, eat my tea at 9pm them do chores before bed. So you can see why I'm falling apart

That aside, we've completely gone off topic of that I hate my flaming job. Hate it. I'm ignored, contradicted, unsupported, undeveloped, made out to be a hysterical, unreliable woman trying to cut it in a man's world. I've no confidence, no team support and I'm being forced to fit a full time job into part time hours (the recent chat I had about went along the lines of 'check your emails on Sunday to keep up'). I've tried tell HR that I'm falling apart and they tell me everyone is overworked. Ive tried telling my husband (zero joy there) and my GP just wants me to have counselling. I'm just bloody stuck.

Why are you putting the kids to bed, not DH? Is he doing chores before bed too?

Why isn't DH checking bags for forms the night before?

Haywire- not sure I can offer any practical advice (at the start of this thread I was going to say communicate with work/DP/GP but it looks like you've already done that. All I can offer is sympathy. I know a lot of people have said see the GP, but from what you've said (and from my own experience) I'm not sure that can offer a long term solution. It sounds like you are just being expected to do more than is feasible and no-one who could change this (work/DP) has any interest in doing so. I'm not sure you'll find a solution until you change on of these (or both).

I had a similar situation not long ago. I totally understand the point about being in a male dominated work and any attempt to look for adjustments/help being seen as weakness. I also got really helpful 'tips' from colleagues/line manager (without children or with children that live with an ex). Things like- but can't you work from home if the DC are not at school? Could you take a conference call at 8-9am- you could do it from the car on the school run and just drop the DC with another parent to go in to school. Leave all e-mails not marked urgent for the evening- then respond/delegate in the evening ready for the next day [when exactly am I supposed to eat/sleep after several hours of work after DC have gone to bed].

Would it be feasible to sometimes put DC in paid childcare during school holidays so you can save some holiday for a rest, or is there anyone who could have them for a weekend so you can get some rest to help you deal with this?

Haywire - I could pretty much write your post word for word.
I've worked in a male dominated industry for 16yrs and have 3 young children. No encouragement, just feel downtrodden. I work 32hrs a week and spend my evenings clearing down emails and getting everything ready for the next day.
I'm been gradually breaking over the last 2years. Went to the docs last week and have been signed off sick for a month, work related stress / harassment. I already feel a bit better for having some breathing space. I don't think I'll be returning to that job, I'll stick my pride in my pocket and do whatever it takes to bring money in to the house.
Our mental health is so important and I've realised that a happy mummy is so important for our children. Please look after yourself.

Have the counselling your GP suggests!

Your job sounds shit but can be changed.

Your H also sounds shit and needs to do much more.

OP I was going to say about the morning routine that I have one sixth former at home and get up at six, feed cat, do dishwasher and washing machine, come back up with tea at 6.20 (also for DH who leaves at 6.30). At 6.30 I shower and dress and shout DD at 6.45 and again at 6.55. Do hair and makeup, having tidied upstairs, down at 7.10, make dd's breakfast - drink more tea, pfaff with washing, post, remind dd of stuff, leave at 7.30, drop dd at school at 8.30 (she hasn't been well), drive onto work arriving at 9ish (could be there at 8.15 without the school drop).

I am very lucky to have parking at work, very blessed to have just my youngest at home (though ds is back from uni) but it is still hard work and you are doing the hard yards. I don't know what planet some folk are on.

On the bright side - it must be quiet nice to have a wee in peace at work.

I hope things get better for you. I'm off tomorrow and wish I could pop round at 8am to finish the kids off for you, give you coffee and a croissant and a head start before taking them to school for you.

Glad you responded to the morning post.

I'd get the youngest up at the same time as the others then all into the same bedroom where they get dressed, teeth then out the house. Cannot they not have breakfast at breakfast club/nursery? I think you need to reduce their time and opportunity to argue/be difficult.

We have 4 DC the youngest 3 in just over 3 years and although I didn't like it I agreed that DHs way was better everyone dressed before anyone came downstairs.

Again it's easy for me to say either work full time or quit but it does sound like that is the corner you are backed into. TBH your DH should be doing all the evening stuff so you walk in can eat food the DC go to bed without you having to do any thinking.

Anything is difficult to change when you are struggle so much as you are. We can give you bucket loads of empathy/sympathy but only you have the power to draw the line and say I cannot carry on anymore whether that is from resigning or getting signed off sick so you can regroup your position. My doing either of those perhaps your DH would actually sit up and listen?