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Original poster

working mums what do you do when they're poorly?

152 replies

rebelmum1 · 28/11/2006 13:02

I'm finding it really difficult, I have had to take lots of unscheduled time off work as holiday. I end up sending dd back to nursery when not 100% I have really dropped my colleagues in it on occasions this year but there are so many contagious things they get and you just can't take them in to nursery when they are sick. My role as a parent is far more important than that of employee and I just want to be there for my child. It stinks. How do others cope?

OP posts:
uwila · 04/12/2006 15:33

Perhaps you are seeing what you are looking for.

Original poster
rebelmum1 · 04/12/2006 15:34

So would you go to work if you could afford to stay at home?

OP posts:
Original poster
rebelmum1 · 04/12/2006 15:34

ditto

OP posts:
uwila · 04/12/2006 15:35

Or maybe you have damaged your child by staying home for the first year. (of course this isn't true but it makes just as much sense as your number 3 below)

uwila · 04/12/2006 15:36

yes, but not as much. and I would have taken longer maternity leave -- for my own benefit.

Original poster
rebelmum1 · 04/12/2006 15:38

I pick up an exhausted little girl after a 10 hr stint in nursery, and put her straight to bed, if she's below par she doesn't get enough rest and gets poorly.

OP posts:
uwila · 04/12/2006 15:41

How old is she? Perhaps nursery doesn't suit her. What about a childminder or nanny?

Or, maybe she is exhausted because she had such a fantastic day and really enjoyed it.

I have no experience here. We have never used a nursery.

Original poster
rebelmum1 · 04/12/2006 15:42

Not sure about the logic, there is no evidence to suggest that a mother caring for her baby damages them, but evidence to suggest that an absent mother does. I'm very aware of the subconsious and what children can pick up on even babies whether they remember it or not. I have been really careful not to give my dd the same start I had in life. I cried for my first 6 months while I was looked after by a male aupair.

OP posts:
Original poster
rebelmum1 · 04/12/2006 15:45

She's two, i introduced her to the child-minder when i was on leave, so she developed a relationship early on, as she got to two we moved and she is in a wonderful small idyllic montessori nursery. The days are long tho and she's too stimulated to sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
rebelmum1 · 04/12/2006 15:45

did you have a nanny?

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 04/12/2006 15:50

"there is no evidence to suggest that a mother caring for her baby damages them, but evidence to suggest that an absent mother does."

Actually, I think there is probably quite a lot of evidence that SOME mothers do damage their children. And IIRC the effects of childcare vary according to the type of childcare. And of course results from studies are AVERAGES. WHere YOUR child may lie in the spread of results is not spelt out. There is no one size fits all. Which is why individual parents have to make the best choices for their individual children.

thebecster · 04/12/2006 15:52

Feel like I'm wading into something I don't belong in here, but it's meant as a kindly/helpful suggestion... My baby does 10 hour stint at nursery too, but he has lots of rests (they have a proper sleep area with cots) and isn't any more exhausted after a day there than he is after a day with me - maybe look into different nurseries if your DD is exhausted? Or talk to staff about making sure that she gets more rest? She shouldn't be coming back exhausted, that's not right. As far as the working mum vs. SAHM drawing of battle lines go, that's just a blind alley. There is no such thing as the perfect mother, but we all love our LOs with all our hearts and are just trying to do our best for them. Hence we get defensive and selfcritical. (One exception to rule: I think my Mum is perfect, but I'm biased on that one! (Incidentally she was a working mother, recently retired, but that's irrelevant when it comes to whether she's perfect or not))

thebecster · 04/12/2006 15:55

Okay, took too long typing & just seen your post - 'spent first 6 months crying'... Are you sure you aren't projecting your own bad experiences onto your child? How do you know you spent your first 6 months crying? Why was male au pair particularly bad? Your child isn't going through the same things that you went through, she's a whole different person. But if you project your own sadness onto her, she will be sad just to fit in with your expectations. I'm not saying that IS what you're doing, I'm asking whether you're sure that you aren't?

uwila · 04/12/2006 15:57

We used a childminder until DD was 14 months old, then switched to a nanny. She is now 3 1/2 and DS 1 1/2. We switched to the nanny because the childcare run was killing me.

Original poster
rebelmum1 · 04/12/2006 16:07

ha ha the second time only in my life I need my mother (to help with childcare) she's bogged off to the South of France.

OP posts:
persephonesnape · 04/12/2006 16:11

when my children were verylittle i was lucky enoughto have a workplace based nursery - they had a key worker and i could pop down and see them at lunchtime. the alternative with tehthird one was work full time or go on state benefits, which I'm sure many people would also disapprove of.

i am not going to be told by anyone that the difficult choices i have made have in anyway adversely affected my children. going to nursery and interacting with other children while i went to work has helped them socialise and made going to school a lot less of a shock. they're all bright popular children with very few insecurities other than the usual ones.

it makes me cross that SAHMs and Working mums feel it's perfectly acceptable to try and guilt each other into thinking that whatever decision thay have made is the wrong one. what a lot of nonsense.

twickersmum · 05/12/2006 09:03

bored.
a good question has turned into a dull boring SAHM vs working mum
nursery vs nanny
how very dull.

do what you have to do
do what suits you and your family best
do what enables you to do the work you do
and get over it.

if there was one solution that worked for all, if there was one answer then all those "experts" wouldn't make such a lot of money writing reports/articles etc telling us we are doing it wrong.

sorry if contentious. just felt it had to be said.

uwila · 05/12/2006 09:30

Okay, then, to get back on track...

For me, the only way to tackle the frequent illnesses that children inevitably get is to have a nanny who still works when they are ill and also works when she is mildly ill. My nanny is wokke up with a sore throat today, which DH had last week. He went to work. And she is working today.... thankfully because I've got loads to do.

I know this is possibly not a solution for you, rebelmum1. But, it is the only workable solution for me. DH works away and I refuse to bear the brunt of the childcare whenever it goes pear shaped and maintain a full time job. I simply am not superwoman and if DH is going to work away then we are going to have a nanny. Incidentally, I agree with Xenia that childcare is as much a father's issue as it is a mother's issue. I understand that financially it makes more sense for you to take time off. But, couldn't your DH do dome of it with his holiday time? That wouldn't be a financial sacrifice. Then when his holiday is all gone and one of you has to stay home unpaid, then that person would be you.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but since we have been scolded by Twickersmum for behaving badly, I thought I'd steer the conversation back to the topic raised in your OP.

Judy1234 · 05/12/2006 23:03

Yes, u and I also think fostering that view in a family that parents work when slightly ill, children go to school if a bit ill, nannies turn up if a bit ill (eventually I got to a point where I didn't pay if off sick which gets people back into work well sometimes)..., that we are all there in a difficult work knuckling down with a huge work ethic and a bit of a cold is not an excuse for anything except making sure you have a handkerchief in your pocket.

piccolamamma · 07/12/2006 00:08

try not to get ill - (1000mg pure Vitamin C, Echi whatsit, Ferros Sulphate first two days of period throughout cold and flu season) and use childminder not nursery to reduce number of illnesses. also waited till dd 2 yrs before sending. otherwise Granny, Aunts, Cousins, DH, best friends general begging people to help out. its hard but should we not go to work because we were born with a uterus? i think not.

uwila · 07/12/2006 13:53

Well, this thread has become reality for me today. Nanny has been sick with a sore throat this week. She did work yesterday and the day before, but I could tell she wasn't very well. But, this morning, she was just miserable and couldn't cope. So at about 6:15 (she atarts at 6:30) she told me she couldn't do it today. (I already knew this was a possibility). So, I said ok, sent an e-mail to work and took the day as holiday. But, guess what? I had to get really uptight about it (and boy was I mad) to persuade DH that if she is sick again tomorrow it will be his turn to stay home and mine to go to work. His initial response was something to the effect that he can stay home because he has to go to work. Ummmm... Guess what? So do I. He has now been persuaded but it certainly wouldn't have occurred to him if he didn't have the misfortune of being married to me.

As this was going on, I thought back to this thread and it served a useful purpose: to remind me that I have just as much right to go to my job as he has to go to his. So, I fought my corner. Now, I think nanny will be better, and he will get off but I have made my point.

uwila · 07/12/2006 13:59

CORRECTION:

"...His initial response was something to the effect that he can't stay home because..."

Judy1234 · 07/12/2006 14:09

You need to establish then that next time there is sickness he is the one to take the first day off may be. Depends what you each do to some extent - sometimes I had a meeting so he would take time off or he coudlnt' easily (he's a teacher so it really messes colleagues around if you take a day off) so I did.

Some big cmpanies in the City employ a regular nanny who will look after your children if your childcare arrangements break down. It's a really really sensible thing for an employer to provide as you don't lose that day's pay of that member of staff which can be well over £1000 in many cases often a lot more. A sort of pool nanny.

I have found not paying nannies when off sick does help by the way despite that feeling very very mean. Obviously there are legal obligations to pay SSP.

mistletoemania · 07/12/2006 14:19

haven't time to read all this thread but this week has been a nightmare as my d/d3 had the runs and was fine apart from this. i work 3 days per week and d/h away yet again with work no family back up so got locum friend to cover for me at work. then nextday still not better. You know I was getting so stressed that I just had to calm myself and think this is not life or death. I never hide the fact i had kids and this is first time in year and half back to work that it has happened. so didn't earn any money but was there all be it very stressed out for my d/d. I ideally would love to only work one day a week as i had a great day on weds and get paid for 3 as if

uwila · 07/12/2006 14:40

Oh, a pool nanny at work. Wouldn't that be nice. Not going happen at my work, though.

Yes, Xenia, next time will be his turn, if logistically feasible. The problem is that his job is usually a 2-5 hour drive (depending on project/client location) away. So when it's last minute I have to pick up the pieces. Had I called him and said I'm going to work today, nanny is sick and I need you to cover, then it would have taken him realistically 3 or 4 hours to get here at which point I would have missed half the day anyway. But, what we do do is he does things that can be planned like appointments for jabs and such. And, he will be organising tomorrow if nanny is not better.