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Original poster

working mums what do you do when they're poorly?

152 replies

rebelmum1 · 28/11/2006 13:02

I'm finding it really difficult, I have had to take lots of unscheduled time off work as holiday. I end up sending dd back to nursery when not 100% I have really dropped my colleagues in it on occasions this year but there are so many contagious things they get and you just can't take them in to nursery when they are sick. My role as a parent is far more important than that of employee and I just want to be there for my child. It stinks. How do others cope?

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cece · 29/11/2006 14:12

Currently at home with ds as he is sick. Had to miss work and maybe tomorrow if he is no better. This is because DH is away with work.

However, on other occasions DH will stay at home with whoever is sick. It all depends on what we have on at work eg/ meetings etc and who has the easier day to cancel. This is regardless of the fact that I am part time and earn far less than DH.

Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 14:14

I haven't sacrificed my career either as that would suggest I have lost something. In fact I have gained everything and I have the good sense to re-deploy my intellect and skills in other directions to enable me in the future to have a flexible career and be autonomous. It's not one thing or another you can have balance and that's what I'm working towards. It doesn't involve being in the rat race either.

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Bozza · 29/11/2006 14:17

rebelmum, I think I said that I had more of the burden than DH and I don't think it is fair.

DD was poorly last night. Just sat on my knee and wouldn't move or do anything and was running a temp. I put her to bed early with medised. When I checked on her she was soaked in sweat. But she slept through until 6.30 which is early - but can be put down to going to bed early. She seemed OK this morning, toddler stroppy (water in basin too hot, didn't want to wear tights, argued over which clip etc) but OK in herself. She is at nursery.

Judy1234 · 29/11/2006 14:19

rm, of course you're not inferior. In fact I'd run an argument that nuns in closed contemplative orders may be superior to the rest of us a life of prayer etc. The fact you feel I make you feel inferior is the only interesting point. I think it's fun making money and I agree with you that making it yourself is much better, more secure, better for the family than working hard so an employer profits. I've enjoyed it a lot more since I started to work for myself.

Illness is interesting. For years I've been talking to my sister about this. Her children are ill. I wondered if it were attitude. My child says I'm ill - I tend to say you're fine (then if they virtually die at your feet you know there's a probem). She instead would fuss and fuss and make it seem worse and worse. On the other hand hers have been continuously sick so very very much it did seem like some kind of real problem although the issue of whether it was psychosomatic did arise.

Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 14:31

When you say that women who choose to look after their children must either have chosen to marry clever men for their money and/or are not clever enough to make more money infers inferiority. Just to clarify YOU do not make me feel inferior I resent you infering inferiority. I am insulted that you have such a low view of women that they cannot think for themselves and that are happy to be a little woman. I am quite categorically not in that box.

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Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 14:35

I want to be with my dd when she is ill. This is my priority and my choice and it makes more financial sense as my role is not bonus related and will not impact earning potential.

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Uwila · 29/11/2006 14:45

Plenty of women resent that their jobs take a backseat to their husbands. It is usually justified by saying that his career is moving faster and he is making more money therefore it makes sense for her to take the sacrifices. I always wonder why they don't see thet they got the cause and effect mixed up. It just never occurs to them that her career is suffering because she is doing all the childcare when he is at work appearing to be a good dedicated employee.

I have a live in nanny, and sadly I am not rich. People at work are often surprised (knowing that I have two young children) when I raise my hand and say I'm available to travel. I make it very clear at every opportunity that my children are covered at the drop of a hat and I am available to do the same job that the bloke next to me is available to do.

I do get the brunt of the short notice mishps because DH works away (but in the UK). He believes this is his right. And if he wasn't married to me (I have in the past pointed out that my career has the very same rights that his has), he would never had considered otherwise.

I am no stay at home take the back seat kind of girl. I want what I want, and I go after it. And I want a career and money. I find it terrible outdated that people think I should want to stay home all day.

And it really ticks me off when people suggest that working women are somehow cruel and neglectful to their children. Your remarks to Xenia, rebelmum1, were rude and uncalled for. "Unnatural" Oh, you are so stuck in the dark ages if you think it is unnatural for women to have ambition. If Xenia was a man, I dare say you wouldn't find her views unnatural at all.

MerryChipmonkAndAHappyNewey · 29/11/2006 14:47

As dh can work from home and I can't, he takes time off if the LO's are ill or else we bring them to MIL.

fullmoonfiend · 29/11/2006 14:51

I've just had that call from school...sigh. Dh was able to pick ds up from school and bring him home but he had to go back to work. I work in a far more touchy feely place so it wasn't a problem in terms of their attitude. My problem is I have 2 part time jobs which bring in half what dh earns so it is always me has to stay off if they are ill. touch wood the boys are pretty healthy so this hasn't happened for about a year. it's frustrating for me though, as i have another child at school and have had to spend ages rining round to find someone to pick him up from school. If it is obviously going to be more than a day, I can sometimes ask my mum to come and look after him but there are no easy answers are there?

fullmoonfiend · 29/11/2006 14:54

my dh has done a fair bit of sharing the responsibility btw. When ds was seriously ill, dh lost his job and volunteered to defer looking for a new job for 3 months so we could get our heads back together as a family. It was worth every penny of lost income....a 3-month family group hug

Judy1234 · 29/11/2006 15:19

Thanks U. Obviously I feel the same as you and when I worked for an employer that's how I was and wanted to be. I saw my children just as many men do too as my responsiblity, my choice to have them and not my employer's fault or responsibility. If I had 100 elderly catst a home, or had some hobby which demanded hours of time, or elderly relatives, a disabled sister or just wanted to watch the world cup that would be for me to sort out around work but not something you foist on an employer. I do think some of the new emergency leave laws are good and we definitely needed equal pay laws in the 1970s and I'm pretty glad we gave women the vote and the right to own property, things I don't take for granted as many women around the world don't have them.

I suppose my warning is don't be too reliant on male income and you never know what will happen.

Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 15:33

U my comments were in response to xenia's remarks of women who choose to take a backseat being either thick or inferior to men. I don't live in the dark ages at all. I have ambition and have chosen to re-direct my energies to being autonomous as well as working part-time. I don't slate working parents it's about balance and it is achievable.

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Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 15:34

I don't expect my employer to compensate either and never once mentioned that. My point it is tough as for me personally my child comes first always.

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Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 15:35

If that's the dark ages then I guess that I'm in it.

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Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 15:43

My mother an ardent feminist worked to my detriment so I have been determined not to do the same. It is about having the choice, and that includes the choice to look after your child.

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Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 15:47

It's your choice to work full-time but you can't slate women who want to care and be with their children in the most crucial years of development and when they need you the most.

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Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 15:49

To condem this natural instinct as 'the dark ages' is frankly imho unenlightened.

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Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 15:58

and that's my last word ..

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Rookiemum · 29/11/2006 16:02

It's funny how a practical question about how to cope with a real life situation has meandered off the topic to an esoteric discussion about emancipation rights and mens responsibilities.I do wonder how that happened.

I get the feeling rebelmum1 that this has not been as useful to you as it might have been had it stayed on the original subject.

Original poster
rebelmum1 · 29/11/2006 16:04

hmm i didn't expect to be scolded about my choice of partner and lack of ambition!

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cece · 29/11/2006 16:15

OK I have to phone work at 5 pm about tomorrow. Shall I go in or not?

DS been off with ear infection - he is on ABs. Had a bad night last night and I am feeling achey? But feeling guilty...

cece · 29/11/2006 16:25

opinions gratefully recieved!

GooseyLoosey · 29/11/2006 16:27

Hi rebelmum. Actually for those of us who work its not all about choice. I work because financially I could not afford not to and there is no choice I could make (as far as I can see which would change this).

As I have to work,I feel I am required to do the best job I can which does involve working at times which are not convenient to me or the dcs. To me this is part of putting my children first - it ensures a roof over their heads and that my employer will continue to be sympathetic to my ecletic working hours.
Sorry - just felt a bit under seige there as a working mum. This is not to say that I have any feelings of superiority over those who don't work or think my way is best - I don't.

Uwila · 29/11/2006 16:39

Rebelmum1, if you want to have a go at Xenia because you think she is a bit harsh in her posting, then go for it. But, I felt you were broadening your aim to working women in general.

GooseyLoosey is absolutely right. Staying home beause you want to is not a privileddge most of us can afford. The choice is simply not there.

Another intersting point, I think, is at what point do children need their mum (or dad there). My DD is 3 1/2. I went back to work full-time when she a ripe old age of 4 weeks. This hasn't harmed her as far as I can see. She never minded the childminder or nannies. But, now, at 3 1/2 years she has taken to asking me not to go to work. I definitely think she craves time with me now more than she did as a small baby.

bythesouthsea · 29/11/2006 16:43

Oooo what an interesting thread and Xenia I love all your responses even if they appear harsh sometimes. I also work full time because ...I want to , am lucky as I enjoy it and earn good money to boot. DH works away 4 dys a week so I do the nursery and school runs etc.. Its relevant as am currently typing this one handed with sick Dd on my knee - have basically worked at home all day - kept on top of my email, been on con calls etc & it is just not an issue for my boss. Guess I am very lucky. Also do sympathise with those juggling 'who's meetings the most important' when their child is ill as have had it in the past. At least this way if either of our Dd's are sick when Dh is @ home its down to him. Luckily I can count on one hand the times that has happened this year (& last year come to this of it) they are 2yrs and 5yrs.