Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

[misosoup]

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

Xenia, along with your different perspective from your obviously successful career, you also provide the perspective of a mother with grownup children. I can understand that the needs of teenagers and older include not only having their parents available but also others, like money to afford things etc. and once they have flown the nest, a downpayment etc

It is difficult for me (and I suspect for many mothers on this thread) to imagine how our adoring preschoolers and primary schoolers could want anything other than our presence. But it gets more complicated when they hit their teens.

So I take your posts in with an open mind.

3 years ago, I gave up a very well paid job as a lawyer in the City, at one of the biggest law firms in the world. I had been there 12 years and was a partner. I had worked hard to get there and was totally committed to the long and unpredictable hours that came with the territory.

I had an open mind as to what I would do when the kids came along, but knew that my job, being transaction based, would not translate into part-time work, so this wasn't an option.

So... 3 years ago, when I had my son, I gave up my job to become a full time Mum. I now have a 5 month old daughter too. I am content that I made the right decsion on a number of levels - not least because I know I would have been really stressed out trying to be a good solicitor and a good mother. Also, my husband works very long, unpredictable hours (as a lawyer) too, and it didn't seem right to either of us that the children would not see much of their parents if we both carried on working.

BUT, and there is always a but... I have dire days where I just sit with my head in my hands wondering what the hell have I done. I have thrown away my career to become immersed in the drudgery of washing, feeding, cleaning and entertaining children. And yes, it is drudgery even though I love my children so dearly and could not contemplate being a working mother. I miss the recognition that went with my job, the prestige and status that I had earned. As vain as it sounds, people react differently to me now when I say I am a SAHM, compared to the reaction I used to get when I said I was a corporate lawyer. I am now, a mother and a housewife - I exist purely to look after my family and I have lost my own identity and that sometimes really gets to me, let alone, the obvious downside of losing a very substantial salary and the independence that can give you.

You just can't win I'm afraid. The grass is always, to some extent greener on the other side. The key, I think, to it all for me, is that I regret what has "become of me now" when I am tired. When I have a decent night's sleep, I delight in the pleasure the kids give me and don't feel blue at all. I don't resent my decision and have optimism, that when the children are older I hopefully will have the inner resource and confidence to carve out a new niche for myself, in whatever sphere that might be. I just hope that proves to be the case.

gymmie, why was it you, in 2006 when women have had the vote for so long, when you were as successful as your husband. Why is women who tak on that dull toil and drudgery? Is it "natural"? Is it the way you were brought up? Is it because your husband wouldn't have or didn't want to?

Anyway as for the other post below, My oldest is 22. I see older children and I have been through the very difficult teenage years when they get spots, learn the rule book on how most to annoy parents and seek to make parents dislike them such that they can achieve separation or whatever that teenage process is, when they swear and seek to irritate and reject (but also teenagers are great to debate things with etc it's not all bad). And then they emerge as lovely adults who can have grown up discussions about how and when adults should work.

Anyway I am lucky I've never regretted continuing work. only downside has been how expensive the divorce was but had I been economically dependent on him may be I'd have been trapped in the marriage for ever as many dependent women are so perhaps even that worked out for the good.

At the end of the day fathers and mothers both have to decide if one of them will give up work. What is completely unacceptable and I have no idea why any woman accepts it is when there is any assumption the woman is the one to do that.

In answer to the OP: I don't know. I like my work. It means a hell of a lot to me. I do (unlikely as many of you will find this) love my children, but no, I would not want to be a SAHM.

"I think if the income differences are big the issues are different because you're talking about completely changing the quality of life of an entire family"

Xenia for a hell of a lot of people £5,000 can completely change the quality of life for an entire family. You seem out of touch with the reality of most of the population

And I love the martyr references. How very chic and 1950s. In fact all I do all day on my days off work is peel potatoes in a worn apron. And daydream about the day I can say to my children 'I gave the best years of my life for you'.

To Cowmad - actually MN is one of the few places where you might very well find people in the same or similar position and be able to talk to them. I couldn't discuss my predicament at work, and whilst I did discuss it with dh sometimes you just want to have another mum's opinion. I don't believe that the OP is asking us to make her mind up for her, but she is looking for insights. It is also not a decison that one makes in a day or two (at least I didn't), so it isn't that surprising not to get instant feedback.

Intelligent people research before undertaking life-changing decisions.

I didn't say all mothers who stay at home with they didn't, feel like martyrs and don't get gratitude from their children from it but some do. It's one the risks to weigh up.

I would be appalled if people think women but not men should have an equal right to decide whether to give up work. Surely every stay at home mother would give her husband an equal right to stay home if he preferred and there should be no assumption because someone is male he can't run a house. Many men would like to stay at home and they should be able to exercise that choice if they want without wives assuming only they get that flexibility and choice. It's not fair on men if they have the total work burden without the choice to stay at home.

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Hey, Xenia - you still haven't answered my question !

Qu, never explain, never apoloise, as I think Disraeli said.. so may be no comment is more appropriate.

aha!!! I'm amazed you get any work done at all.....you spend an awful lot of time on t'internet !!!

Why not work for one more year and save 95% of your salary for that year? - that way you have a nice nest egg, but also live for a year on just the lower salary and see whether you find it manageable, without actually risking everything.

Have skimmed thread quickly, but personally spending every day with my children is worth more than £250k a year.

Rachel Cusk is a half-mad whinging bore. I know people earning that kind of money and they are no different to you and me.
Me? I'd look at other options - own business, own company, work for a year and save everything etc before giving up that salary. 50K is NOT £250K.

i said what Ellaroo said and i think thats definately the best advice on here

seriously tho, save up a nest egg before you quit. especially if, as you say, the transition is irreversible. there are sooooooo many things that will come up as the children grow up that you will wish you had planned for...

Xenia, what feminist books have you been reading?

should have read the whole thread, don't bother answering.

Would agree with greensleaves posts though.

I would like my child to understand the value of money and what they want should not always be what they get.

I'm PT worker but am thinking of giving up an extra day to spend with ds.

Each to their own.

throwing my two cents into the ring:
stuff not directly related to OP posts
not every woman enjoys or is cut out to be a SAHM
Xenia made her choices and calling her selfish just cos her choices aren't the same as yours is a bit narrow minded
Men and women should share the responsibility / fun/ drugery of raising children
and particulary in response to Cowmad: it is perfectly possible to be earnign a good salary and not have paper based qualifications and therefore struggle to get back into the owkr market. Its also a natural thing to want to ask opinions and tips when contemplating a big life change, your post was assumptive and insulting to the OP suggesting that her life changing decision was a wind up.

and returnign to the OP:
I think the general advice to 'road test' being a SAHM and also road test living on a reduced salary are good. I'd also agree that if you decide you do want to spend more time wiht the kids then asking about p/t or lookign at other p/t employment is worhtwhile - you never know they may say yes and if you would rather not work at all than continue to work f/t you don't lose out.
Finalyl I'd repeat the question of whether it isn't possible for your partner to be a SAHD? is it that he doesn't want to or is it that your real dilema is that you desperatly want more time with your kids?
I'm a SAHM right now because I didn't want DS having two f/t stressed working parents. If it was more economical for DH to be at home thats the way it would work. However my mate is a SAHM because she wanted her DS to have a parent around just like me but she also wanted to spend more time with him herself.

"When I was younger, I hated my mum for not working and not having a life, when my dad would be going out to work, to the pub and to the races and doing whatever he liked, while she just sat inside and babysat for the six of us while we slept. I did love my dad more (I'm ashamed to say now) because he was fun and gave me some hint of a life that wasn't restricted and mundane (in a very small way, as he was a manual worker who died in his 60s). He left her after 33 years of marriage and she was destroyed because she had nothing else in her life but him, and us, and could have had so much more. She had talked to me since about how she would have loved to be a nurse or in the army but gave up all those ideas to get married and have loads of kids that he wanted! "

It isn't my place to comment but I simply couldn't stop myself. I sincerely hope you have reassessed your perspective on your mother and father since you were 'younger'...

I didn't call Xenia selfish, I said that the her posts, as I read them, were all about her life and how her choices would impact it/her and her future, rather than her children and the possible impact on them that her choices might have. I personally find that the problems of "self-esteem" and "self-worth" are alleviated considerably when life isn't all about me and my choices but about others as well.

You may not agree with my post, riab - I don't think much of yours either, as it happens - but it wasn't offensively worded and I had every right to post it.

Oh my oh my, ~I have read a lot of this thread but not all, so forgive me if I am repeating another post, but a lot of my initial views have been expressed, and enough food for thought except this:

How about DH gives up his job and is SAHF and you work? Then you will not be jealous of the nanny and you have your big income. I like to have my cake and eat it too.

If DH does not like this option, you have your answer. Live on his income.

Otherwise, go and have a holiday in Kenya, Zambia or somewhere and spend time in an orphanage. This really puts materialistic stuff in perspective and helps you to sort out what is important. You will decide.

I'm looking back at the OP now since the discussion has moved away from that - I'm interested in the phrase 'throw it all away'

I don't see how any part of your life is thrown away. You have achieved that and no-one can take it away from you. I'm sure that some of your skills would be transferable even if they look now as is they aren't and if you are the type of person who can achieve all this you are not going to turn into a drudge after a couple of years at home with your family - you can always go back to something else afterwards.

I left a job that I knew wouldn't be the same part-time and changed my career after I went back after some time off with dd1. I'm not using many of the same skills but I'm using me which is, after all, what I have worked for all the time - my ability to change and grow

I think it's good to change, it's good to live a few lives. One would be really boring

Interesting thread to say the least ! I agree completely with what people have said about road testing being a SAHM. If I had my time over again I would not have done this, I would have worked part time. I don't feel that being at home fulltime has been the right decision for me, or maybe I just did it for longer than has suited me.

Having got to the level you got to, you are clearly very motivated misosoup and I'm sure that you could put this energy into starting a business for yourself that you could dictate your working decision. Good luck.

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