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Original poster

Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

1000 replies

misosoup · 27/10/2006 13:43

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 28/10/2006 00:39

Well, you don't have to take your husband's name. It's optional, unless you're already doing as you're told before you marry him!

TinyGang · 28/10/2006 00:42

I was glad to take dh's - had to keep spelling out my other one.

cowmad · 28/10/2006 00:51

well I had a choice
I didnt drop my surname and its BL**DY hard to spell
neither did my mother
or hers
(come from long powerfull bovine blood stock!)

Chandra · 28/10/2006 00:56

I have kept mine but I have a good share of comments in the past.

cowmad · 28/10/2006 00:59

Tell em to sod off
whos life is is anyway?!!!

Chandra · 28/10/2006 01:06

I did, thanks

SNORcacKLE · 28/10/2006 01:16

I've not read all the thread but I'd say that as you only get one life so you should do what you really want most. In years to come are you more likely to regret not having had more money, or not having spent more time with the children? Only you can determine what your highest priorities are. Although you are indeed lucky to have the choice, if you are the type of person that does look back and regret things you could fall into the trap of regretting whatever you choose - do try not to do that whatever happens.

cowmad · 28/10/2006 01:29

snor we are being had....girls as good as 250k pa dont ask for advice like this..they know already
id say
the op is looking for affermation to a decision already taken

or

its a tale.. cos girls like this have BIG skills that can transfer to loads of things an above all arnt scared of new stuff

also only a few posts from op

if i really had a dilemma like this id be a bit more active in replying/posting to asked for advice!!!

its cobblers!

Peridot30 · 28/10/2006 01:31

NO CHANCE!

cowmad · 28/10/2006 01:40

no chance what peridot?

Judy1234 · 28/10/2006 08:03

cowmad, that's another concern, the older women who regret the careers they gave up. My and your mother did. So it's a question of whether you give up a career when the children are under 5 which has the effect that when you're 35 - 65 you don't have the life you wanted, financially or more importantly on a day to day basis. You need to look at how you think the rest of your life would pan out including if the man you depend on for money dies or disappears to Thailand with all the money. At 60 I want to be best at what I do in my field. I don't want to be sitting at home hoping the grandchildren will be brought round. A lot of men too want to leave work and they do, buy a French property, a pub etc and the grass is not always as green as they think except that now it's still awful work but they've no money either.

I certainly agree about trying not to look back and regret things but also if people do leave work or do go back and find it's not working no one should feel obliged to stick with it just for appearance sake because they've been going round saying so wonderful to be back at work or at home. Strength to admit mistakes is good.

By the way Rachel Cusk's book on becoming a mother is the one I buy for anyone I know who gets pregnant because it describes it perfectly to me and having read that I don't know how anyone could contemplate a domestic life at home.

ludaloo · 28/10/2006 08:19

I would...I am asahm and want to bring my kids up myself...my dh doesn't earn anywhere near that kind of money...we manage on about a thousand pound a month (and thats a good month!)
We have 3 kids and two cars..we manage.. you find you can adjust to whatever money you get. If you haven't got it you can't spend it.

Schokofruhstucksflockenhasseri · 28/10/2006 08:34

cowmad, thats a very harsh post. Sorry, but having a big salary doesnt solve all of lifes problems.

misosoup, Ive sometimes wondered what I would do if I were in the position to be able to give up my job. (I am not as well paid as you, btw!)
I have to admit, that my self-respect is more closely tied to my achievements at work than I would like. This is probably because my home life has been such a failure (divorce and other things). I think it would be a mistake to go from your position that you have worked hard to reach, to 100% SAHM, unless you are very sure about it.
BUT why not see it as a career change? Most people change their careers at least once in their life. So, sign up for an OU course, or start training for a new career as soon as you give up the old one. A more family friendly one, of course. Could you work towards something self employed/freelance?

northerner · 28/10/2006 08:36

Cowmad you don't beat around the bush do you?

In answer to OP's question; No. I wouldn't even give up my £17k job to be a SAHM.

zippitippitoes · 28/10/2006 08:43

actually may be the op doesn't have any qualificiations (you just have to be good at trading don't you?) and she is in a young and mnale oriented game so she could be right about lack of skills...but even svaing her salary for a year would be sufficient to give her a headstart doing whatever she wanted

mousiemousie · 28/10/2006 09:09

Have you seen a life coach? She could help you work out your goals and priorites before you make the decision.

Have you worked out a detailed budget for living on dp's salary...that would help to make it real.

Your choice is not one I have faced but my instinct would be to say spend the time with the kids...£50k income is still a comfortable amount to live. If you were sucessful as a trader I am sure you could be successful as something else later on if you wanted to be. Even if you went back to a £20k job your joint income would be very good.

Original poster
misosoup · 28/10/2006 09:11

Wow, I did not expect that many replies. Sorry, have not been around - I try to spend the little time I have at home with my girls - it is very precious.

You are right, I have an idea about what I want to do but hearing many different opinions about it really helps. MN is a brilliant forum to do this, I think. I thank you very much for it.

On a different note, ny boss once told me: "You know, 1m is not actually as much as it sounds..." The man is single!

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 28/10/2006 11:38

Xenia, your post is all about YOU - your welfare, your self-fulfilment, your future, your happiness.

I stay at home because in my opinion that is the best and healthiest option for my children's future and their welfare.

I'm not saying that women whose children are in childcare while they work are neglecting them, or that their children won't be fine in the long-term - it's complicated and I know I don't have all the answers.

But I am just struck by how much your posts are all about YOU and nobody else. I echo my earlier point - all this obsessive worry about self-image and self-worth seems a lot less significant when your life isn't all about you.

Greensleeves · 28/10/2006 11:39

I think Zippi's idea about saving salary for a year is a good one - you'd have money available for training for whatever you wanted to do when the children are older. If I had had any money I would have saved some for that purpose.

munz · 28/10/2006 11:42

not sure if it's been susggested, I know u said P/T is out of the question, but how would your work feel about say 3 days in the office and 2 at home to see how that works out?

fwiw -I think i'd spend another 6 months saving all I could to get a substantial amount behind me, (making sure pretty much all non essential bills were paid as well) look into possibly doing something freelance and then stopping. I love being a SAHM far too much, and they're only young once, for such a short time. but honestly it's individual I think.

NappiesGalore · 28/10/2006 11:49

cowmad - you do seem to be making (quite harsh) judgements about the OP based on her salary alone. sounds v much like a chip on your shoulder tbh.

i read your op a few days ago and have pondered the question and i reckon (apologies if its been said, i have only skimmed thread) you could try a 6 month period of putting all your money away somwhere and living as a family on your dps money only. this will give you a real idea of what the financial implications are and also start a wee nest egg for when you give up.

you want to give up, thats pretty clear. but if its irreversable, id set a time limit (4 years?) and save every penny in that time so that you have an amount to invest and supplement your income afterwards that way. it also maens you have some put away in case of something awful happening.

UCM · 28/10/2006 11:59

Personally I would save for a year and then give it up. I believe that your kids need you more as they get older. As long as they are cared for properly and by an individual carer whilst you are at work, in my opinion they won't remember you being at work before about 5 years old. I have asked many people this question, 'at what age do you remember your life and the answer is usually after 5 years old'. Of course, this is only my opinion.

mousiemousie · 28/10/2006 13:28

How much could you save in a year and what effect would that have?

Queenmummy · 28/10/2006 13:57

Xenia.....are you Lydia?!! Think I know you from another board.....

Judy1234 · 28/10/2006 14:16

Good plan to work but save all your salary to see if it's okay on the lower salary. Life coach a good idea too.

As for me ... all about me... I hope not. I've spent 22 years spending most of my free time caring for my family and have another 10 to go at least. That's not a particularly selfish option. I think I've done best for the children by continuing to work given how I would feel if I were at home. They aren't emotionally damaged. We had the same nanny for 10 years. Both their father and I put huge amounts of time and effort into them despite both working full time. And sorry to raise it but I'm afraid to some extent the children have benefited from the money. It's bought me eventually the ability not to spend the weekends cleaning but to be with them without worrying about the washing because I can pay someone else to do that. It's made things a little easier. O bviously it's bought them a good education.

It isn't always as simple as I give up work and the chidlren benefit and I sacrifice myself to that. Sometimes it's give up work, children suffer, mother in permanent bad mood with the Martha martyr complex - I have laid down my life for you and this is all the thanks I get for the 25,000 loads of washing I did for 10 years.

I think if the income differences are big the issues are different because you're talking about completely changing the quality of life of an entire family. Now I like them short of money. I like them to budget. We bought when I was 22 all the baby clothes in Oxfam. That deprivation is good for the soul but I like to be able to say - yes you can go on the ski trip or yes you can have a horse or yes we can afford to do XYZ. It just makes life a bit easier and fun in some ways.

That Coca Cola lady gave up £250k a year I think almost exactly to care for her children. You know what she did? She went back to work although not in the same capacity.

I know mothers who've made a fortune and only given up work when they've got enough invested to keep the lifestyle. That's another option.

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