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Original poster

Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

1000 replies

misosoup · 27/10/2006 13:43

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

OP posts:
poppadum · 02/11/2006 12:29

Sorry, some people do wish on their deathbed that they had spent more time in the office. Not necessarily for money ( i earn peanuts) but because, like me, they enjoy their work. But then, like you MI, I am an inferior mother.

ParanoidAndroid · 02/11/2006 12:30

MrsW - thanks for your thoughts.

You're right about people being unfulfilled at the end of their lives, and so I guess that goes for most opportunities - bungee-jumping, joining the mile-high club, learning italian, spending time with the family etc etc. (and spending more time in the office, Motherinferior! Can I ask why you think you might feel that when the time comes?)

And I do take your point about being with the kids 24/7. It's just that I'm not sure I can compare my kids desire for me to be at home with them, with their desire for sweets or Dr Who cards etc. My thinking is a bit cloudy today but I'm wondering if it's a difference between having to work and wanting to work? I'm not sure that's what I mean and I certainly don't mean to upset anyone. I'm just trying to think it through.

At the end of the day, we as parents (and I mean to include the fathers in this too) need to be happy with our decisions, secure in the knowledge that given the personal set of circumstances in which we and our families exist, and given the need to balance everyone's interests, we made the best decisions possible at the time.

Right, I'm off to walk the dogs. I've spent far too much time on MN this morning, but it has given me huge food for thought! Thank you all.

GunpowderTreasonAndSNOT · 02/11/2006 12:32

And I feel got at for my decision to stay at home. So once again, we all lose.

foxinsocks · 02/11/2006 12:32

I certainly wish I had never had to give up my job. If there had been a choice, I wouldn't have done so. It's made it incredibly difficult to get back to what I did before and even if I am lucky enough to get a job, it'll be several steps down the career ladder compared to where I got off.

franca70 · 02/11/2006 12:33

I'm an inferior mother too. and I don't even work. all I have is doubts.

ParanoidAndroid · 02/11/2006 12:34

I'm not saying anyone is inferior for wanting to work - that was me for so many years. Goodness, after everything that I've been through, one thing I've learnt is that life is all about horses for courses, what suits one may not suit another. And what is right one year, may not be the next.

Apologies if that's not the message that came through from my post

thankyoupoppet · 02/11/2006 12:38

I especially find it difficult to understand when people say 'I can't afford not to go back to work'.
it's just not true; if you have made a choice to have a baby which is going to change your life completly -then you are also able to make lots of other lifestyle choices too such as sell one of your cars, take cheaper holidays, don't buy so much expensive stuff etc etc

foxinsocks · 02/11/2006 12:39

some people accidentally stumble into motherhood rather than making a choice though

motherinferior · 02/11/2006 12:39

Oh yes, that loaded lifestyle we all have pre-kids, awash with cars and exotically expensive holidays and designer clothes, all to fill that ache in our hearts that only procreation will fill...

foxinsocks · 02/11/2006 12:41

honestly poppet

you can't know many people if you don't know families where both parents have to work to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table

thankyoupoppet · 02/11/2006 12:45

but motherinferior, I have never had a huge income nor have I had two cars or expensive holidays etc, but what I have done is massively cut down my spending in order to stay at home.
We still eat healthy, we still take the kids away, we have just changed our lifestyle to suit the choices we have made. if I can do it, then so can the OP. and everyone else.

You just hear it all the time don't you? that people can't afford not to, when they should be saying 'I'm not willing to tighten my purse strings in order to stay at home with my children that I have, or haven't, made a choice to bring into the world'.

pushing40 · 02/11/2006 12:52

Have read a lot of these posts with interest. Don't know if I've missed anyone else thinking Miso's DH sounds v.understanding - I know if I was on 50K and my DH on 250K and he was thinking of giving up work to be with our kids I would secretly be horrified at all the stuff I'd have to go without but with no extra time at home myself.
I don't work as without Miso's earning power I think I'd be out of pocket if I had to pay childcare for 3 out of my wages, at least until they are all at school.
I do think the money is a red herring though - you either want to work or you don't - with your DH earning 50K you can choose what suits you - you can get a smaller house etc..
Personally most days I love not going to work, its a bit like being on holiday as the children get older and more fun to do things with. I don't really understand the bit about cringing when someone asks you what you do for a living - there's nothing more boring than hearing about other people's jobs surely - unless they do something really cool like act in films or perform surgery except if they can tell a funny story - and we can all do that without having a job. If it helps try and think what you would advise your own daughters to do if they were in the same predicament and that should tell you what is really best for you.

GunpowderTreasonAndSNOT · 02/11/2006 12:52

Poppet, with the greatest of respect, you can't be serious!? I know loads of families where the parents really can't afford for one of them to be at home. DH and I can only just about afford it - we buy value food, rarely go out, buy second hand clothes, grow our own veg and haven't had a holiday since our honeymoon 6 years ago, which MIL paid for. And we are damn lucky that we did just about have a choice for me to be at home, because I wanted to be. I can't believe you think it's always a lifestyle choice for parents to work - it's just not!

thankyoupoppet · 02/11/2006 12:52

I do know lots of people fox, I have given this so much thought. There are lots of people who I have worked with (doctors/nurses etc) who I have talked to about how they can afford to stay at home, I have been through loads of different scenarios with people and in every case there is always ways of affording to stay at home. People are so frightened of loosing what they have now (bigger income) when they shouldn't be.

I also know couples with huge income's that both work and say they have no choice but that is just not true.

foxinsocks · 02/11/2006 12:55

but why should you have to give it up if you don't want to?

tigertum · 02/11/2006 12:56

In a word - NO

As long as I could stay afloat.

Sorry for the cliche but you can't put a price on happiness and you can't put a price on those precious and important first years with your child.

I gave up a well paid job because it would have broken my heart to leave DS in someone elses care. It would have gone against some very deeply held personal beliefs for me to go back to work.

Have been at home with DS for 18 months now and don't regret my decision whatsoever. It has just reaserted my views.

These days are gone so fast. They are so precious and valuable.

I'm sure I will want to rebuild my career when DS is older and is naturally more independant and that will be a challenge, but one I would be happy to take in return for the joy of following my heart and looking after DS in the way I wanted to.

bossykate · 02/11/2006 13:01

lol, poppet, i suspect your departure was not lamented in your workplace if you were continually lecturing people on their work/life balance choices!

thankyoupoppet · 02/11/2006 13:03

I find it hard to understand, with everything else aside, why anyone would not want to look after their own children.

Why bother having childrenat all if you are not going to nurture them yourself?

Being a mother means so much more than dropping them off at the nursery/with the nanny or what ever and then spending weekends together.
The mother and more importantly the children will absolutly be deprived of a warm, secure and natural early life.

When did it become so much about the choices and rights of the mother? what about the children?

franca70 · 02/11/2006 13:04

but puppet, sorry, maybe they keep working because they like it? what is wrong with that?
I don't work, I'm n ot a career person at all, and, when I'm not going through one of those phases of self-doubt, I actually think I'm making a good enough job at raising my children. at the same time, I absolutely understand whoever works, not just because they need to, but because they like to.

mozhe · 02/11/2006 13:05

One of the difficulties of posting on mn, when you do have strong views, is that some other mners,( usually those that don't agree with you ), refuse to take you seriously and say you can't possibly be a ' real ' person to have these views, eg; HMC, accusing both xenia and I of not being who we are....
I think all adults,( and that includes lots of people with illness/disability ), do better if they are in paid employment. Not to be often forces the adult into regressed/infantilized states. This includes parents. Practicalities are often challenging but not insurmontable. And I know a lot of people who have similar views. i acknowledge however that some people have different views, some are confused and some simply don't know. Let's have debate and support.

thankyoupoppet · 02/11/2006 13:06

bit defensive bossykate?
Is that why you feel the need to make such a comment? lol!

(perhaps it's that motherthy guilt creeping up on you and coming out in all ways!)

bossykate · 02/11/2006 13:06

pmsl

MrsWobble · 02/11/2006 13:09

i think i must be missing a vital maternal gene/hormone/or something. why are those first years with your child so "priceless", "precious" and "important" that spending them other than looking after your child is so odd?

my children can't remember them and I have plenty of memories of their babyhood, despite not having witnessed every single second of it.

thankyoupoppet · 02/11/2006 13:11

Fine -if it is because you like working, but then just say so. Even so if it is because you like working more than raising your children, then I still find it hard to understand.

Lets face it as soon as they start pre-school there is time to 'go and get all fullfilled' and then even more time when they go to school. It's not much of a sacrifice imo to stop work and raise your kids for a few years is it? even if you really like your work?

PrincessPeaHead · 02/11/2006 13:13

my mother worked throughout my childhood as a gp (mixture of full time and part itme depending) and I was always very proud of having a mother who was a doctor and who came into school and put casts on people's arms for fun and showed us hearts in margarine tubs (v memorable that) etc.
When she and my father divorced 15 years ago (and not before time frankly), I'm sure she was also pretty glad that she had maintained her career. I bet the NHS is glad too. She is 70 next birthday and STILL working 3 days a week.
I don't feel that my childhood would have been in any way improved if she had given up work - if it was when I was very small, I wouldn't remember it anyway, if it was later - well we were at school and she was always around within an hour of us returning. Of course had she wanted to chuck it in and stay at home then I'm sure I would be proud of her too, but I don't buy the "why have kids if you are going to work" argument at all - are you saying that my mother is less of a mother to me because she went out to work? Even though for so many reasons it was absolutely the right decision for her?

How does it feel to be so judgmental and convinced that You Are Right?

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