Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

[misosoup]

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

Having ploughed my way through this thread, I wasn't at all convinced that I needed to add my tuppence worth. But there are a couple of points that I do want to make (and I'm probably repeating other comments, I just can't remember that far back):

1. No-one ever said on their deathbed that they wished they had spent more time at work.

1. Going through the further education system, your early working years and then "giving it up" to have children is not a waste of anything. We are all shaped by our life experiences, and use them to help develop and nurture our children.

1. Do I think that having had a great career earning a six-figure salary made me a better mum in my children's eyes? No. They loved the lifestyle that came with it, but hated the fact that I spent so many many hours and days away from them (at the time I stopped work they were 6 and 4).

1. We have a lovely house and lovely possessions, but b*gger all money now. It's not a problem, it's just a fact that has to be dealt with. So we sell a few things when we need to replace the washing machine or car etc. You cut your cloth accordingly.

1. The kids understand (they are now 10 and 7) that they can't have the things that they used to, and they appreciate the stuff they did get. It doesn't stop them asking for more mind you, but they understand when we explain that we just don't have that sort of money any more.

1. I'd love to be able to travel more with the kids, and we can't do that now. We travel in different ways - in the camper - but not as far or as off-the-beaten track as I would love to. But hey, as a child we spent all our summers camping in Dorset, and I'm quite a well-rounded individual so I'm not sure it's such a big deal.

1. Having had both breast cancer and a nervous breakdown in the past 3 years, I can honestly say that I am deeply grateful to have been so ill. I am changed since then, I enjoy my life so much more, but I am deeply aware that life is short. I'm doing things now that I would never have done had I still been working.

1. Xenia's posts did shock me, amongst others. But as someone said (and I can't remember who now that my SAHM brain has turned to mush) I might not like what she says but I will defend her right to say it. (Although the one that I was most unhappy about was the 'loafing around at home' one! Perhaps posting on MN counts as loafing around?!)

1. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

10. Why do we have children in the first place, and what do we believe makes them a 'good' person. For me it was an instinct rather than a conscious decision, a biological need rather than a specific road. But having had them, I believe strongly that our role as parents is to shape them and help them understand their place in society (and yes, I believe there is such a thing as society) and help them fulfill their ambitions. Society needs us as parents, after all it's our children that will be paying our pensions. Could I do that if I was working full-time? Yes probably with outside help (nannies, au pairs etc). This would have been perfectly acceptable to me when I was working, but since being ill, I'm now glad that it's DH and me who are raising the children.

I'm not sure this will help but it's helped me to think through my journey from career woman to SAHM and my attitudes and beliefs. So thank you for the original OP. And good luck

In answer to the OP:
I worked for the first five years after having kids (though spent the whole time planning to stay at home)
My eldest is now 7 and youngest is 1 and I am a sahm. of course it is hard work but who ever said it would be easy?

I feel like someone has given me a secret handshake -I have been on both sides and my side is the greenest by far.

What the hell is money? who the hell cares about having lots of money when you have got kids? 50k is more than enough.

I think its selfish and greedy.

I have the opinion that if you have kids then you have a duty to care for them. Why is it so common for mothers to just have 6 months off then hand over their tiny babies to a stranger? (in most cases). I can't understand your dilema at all.

(ducks)

"I am feeling very depressed because I wonder if those rock solid convictions I have always had were unfounded & were a blind following of my mum's ideals (in fact she has enabled me to be a SAHM for so long through her financial support). I feel in danger of regretting the past 2 years I have spent with my daughter and I don't want to feel like that because they have been the most precious and valuable and rewarding ever. (Oh dear, the tears have started now...) "

Just seen this FloatingOnTheMed. As one of those mothers who works outside the home whose daughters are, I think, well-adjusted, secure etc., can I just say that I think you've made a good decision. Two years is a very very very short time out of your working life, it's never going to be repeated and you've enjoyed it. Enough said. You can review your decision and return to work at any time when you feel that it's right thing for you and your child to do. Believe me, you've got decades of a working life in front of you!

woudl it be useless to say that i think you lot htink about htings to much

i do feel as though i have to add something..

this post has made me feel very incompitent as a part of society and as a mother. i have 3 girls and i struggle day to day let alone go to work or find a career that i could earn a 6 figure wage.

i dont even know a job that could or would pay that much never mind actually achieve it

ParanoidAndroid - v interesting. a few observations on your observations (if you don't mind).

1. but people do go to their deathbeds unfulfilled - for any number of reasons, not necessarily work related

1. completely agree - all experiences shape us and are therefore valuable in making us who we are

1. would spending 24/7 with my children make me a better mum in their eyes? - not sure about this. they would love me to be there more I know, but they would also love to have more pocket money, eat sweets all day, watch television past bedtime etc etc. They are not unhappy with the balance of our lives - whilst they would make some changes given the choice those changes might not necessarily be in their, or the family's, best interests which is why these sorts of decisions are made by the grown ups in our house.

1. agree - it's not how much money/possessions you have that matters, it's whether you are satisfied with it. it seems to me that it's the wanting more that creates destructive emotions - whether that "more" is more than £1 or £1m. children take their lead from us so will behave as we do in this respect.

I think all your other points stem from these so I'm similarly in agreement with you on those. I'm sorry you had to have health scares along the way but am sure that drawing positive messages is the right way forward (see point 2 above)

just read Thankyou poppets thread..

i always have believed that i have had children and that i should be the one to care for them but i do feel like something is missing. i want a career but have no qualifications. i would love to earn loads of money had get out of my council house. maybe even move up the social ladder but then..

i would miss the children i would also feel like i was missing out on life as an adult. contributing in a other way to society other then bringing new life to the world.

tbh i dont think i will ever be happy with the choices i make as there is always a niggling feeling that the grass is greener.
i have worked in the past as a home carer and was out the house for 3x2hr blocks and i missed the girls like crazy . now im a sahm i miss work

post*

I have a horrible feeling I might go to my deathbed wishing I'd spent a bit more time in the office, frankly.

I have to say I don't entirely agree with the view that 'who needs money when you've got kids'.

Cod - you're right, we are over-thinking. But firstly I believe that somehow, whether it's the hormones or something else, we become hotwired to feel guilty when we have children. It doesn't matter what we do - work, not work, give them baths every day or once a week, spend £500 on their Christmas presents or £50, give them Fruit Shoots or wholemeal organic hand-reared orange juice, and so on. We just feel guilty and defensive, and so we spend bl**dy ages thinking and arguing and defending our positions.

And this brings me on to my second point, which is that society as a whole is incredibly judgmental. Everyone makes judgements the whole time - what IS she wearing, how bad is that driver, how can someone put their elderly parent in a home etc etc etc. Hence the defensiveness.

So moral of the day - don't overthing and seize the day!

ok
if oyu weant to be at home
be at home
if you dont
dont

and all this stuff baotu your mums
soooooo get ober it

OK that's it folks, cod's spoken, we can all pack up and go home now

I really haven't felt "hurt and belittled". I don't work, so obviously I don't agree with everything Xenia writes, but I am secure in my choice and someone else expressing their views isn't going to upset me. Annoy me perhaps, but not upset me. As Xenia says, it would be dull if we all agreed.

But that sounds dangerously like agreeing, so I will add that I am disappointed by her money-centred views. Intellectual fulfillment comes not from financial remuneration IMO, and she should grateful that not everyone feels as she does, or there would be no-one to teach her children in their private schools and universities. It was this aspect that irritated me the most, and not the WOHM/SAHM (yawn) divide.

As Xenia says herself - you have to choose what will make you happy for the next forty years, and regretting time lost with your children is for some parents as important to consider as regretting lost career opportunities. And sometimes a break from the career grindstone can give you a new perspective and a chance to think of what you might like to do with the next couple of decades. Has for me anyway.

motherinferior

I said 'who needs loads of money when you have got kids'.

overthink

Not everyone is as serene as you though, Becky - some people do get hurt by being told that their choices make them a useless lazy waste of education.

Why?
If you think you've made the right choice then why would it upset you? You KNOW it's wrong.

LOL at being serene BTW

no one eve rbalmes men for a lzy waste of education
tis a right not a reponsiblity

int he end its whats in YOUR heart that counts

I find my outgoings have increased rather dramatically since procreation, myself, what with feeding and clothing them and putting a roof over their heads but hey, that's just me.

How do working mothers think their children would answer the OP?

(taking for granted that, as in this case, stayng at home does not mean being totally broke)

A serious question btw to try and guage how working mothers think.

But MI, I don't think anyone on this thread has been negative about working mothers per se - I haven't seen that. It was a couple of very extreme views from a couple of very extreme posters which attracted the criticisms of selfishness, materialism etc, and it had more to do with their scornful remarks about women staying at home and wasting their education/being apoor role model to their children/leeching off their husbands than with the fact that they work. I don't think anyone thinks it's wrong for a mother to work, especially if the family needs the income.

think -as in, when working mothers think about their situation.

Well, a couple of posters have done the old 'why have a baby and go back to work', line, notably thankyoupoppet...oh, this is an area where we all feel got at, frankly. I definitely feel got at for my wish to work.