Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

[misosoup]

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

that sounds interesting!what sort of things?

why do you want to be an SAHM? from a quick skim read it's because your kids are lovely and you're jealous of your nanny - are there any other reasons?

I've found that the times I've considered giving up work to be an SAHM are closely correlated with either childcare hassles or work difficulties and that resolving those has lessened the urge to throw it all in and stay at home.

This doesn't mean that I don't think my kids are lovely or that I don't want to spend time with them - I do but I also enjoy my job and am lucky enough to be good at something that pays exceptionally well. I think every parent ends up compromising between conflicting desires (and in fact, parents don't have a monopoly on out of work interests either) and that compromise will be different for everyone - the trick is to find the compromise that suits you, not the one that suits anyone else.

The only other thing I would add is don't be jealous of your nanny - I know the feeling and 7 years on I still remember how hurt I felt as I helped dd1 wrap up a Christmas present she had made for our nanny at school - I thought it was the first piece of needlework she had done and it was beautiful and I wanted it. In fact it was the second piece of needlework - the nanny had already helped her wrap the first for me although I didn't know it at the time.

However, with the benefit of hindsight I can see that no-one lost out from the affection my children had for their nanny, they still had plenty of love left for their parents - it's not in finite supply. No-one lost out from the fun they had with their nanny - I wouldn't have preferred them to be miserable. And there is absolutely no question as to which of us has been most influential in their lives - just think about how much you remember about your pre-school life. My nanny looked after them, loved them and played with them but all within the framework of a life which their parents had created.

I'm sorry this has turned out rather long but whilst my views are perhaps not as strident as Xenia's I do strongly believe that the amount you love your children is nothing to do with the number of hours you spend with them - they do not automatically suffer because both parents work. They will suffer though if their parents are unhappy which is why you need to work out what's right for you.

corporate bonds

if somebody has lent a company money and is worried that the company will not repay it, but I do not agree, than I buy it off for them at a discount.

When people realise they were wrong and I was right, then I sell it.

if I am lucky

Sorry if this sounds a bit patronising.

I've never posted on a thread with this type of theme before because its such dangerous territory and the comments can be so caustic. But I feel I have to say something, and its this: if you are going to be a full-time SAHM then imho you need high levels of self esteem and to be happy with your own company. It can be a lonely job, even if you do get out and about and see other grown-ups most days. You also need to be able to put the needs of other people before your own (without resenting the fact ALL THE TIME, its perfectly OK to resent it occasionally) and I think this is where we have the most difficulty. But surely it is just as dangerous to value yourself only in terms of the job you do and the money you earn, as it is to value yourself only as a mother; to devote your life utterly to your family, do nothing else as soon as the children come along, and then wonder what you are here for when they all leave home? (as other posters on this thread have described). The happy medium is, clearly, to SAH (either parent, full time or part-time) when the children are young. Then try doing something else. We don't all have the choice, but the OP does. In my 6 years as a full-time SAHM mum, I have met and become friends with every type of working/non-working mum/dad. But I don't think I know anyone at all who earns £250k - even though I'm in my 40s and live in London and 95% of my friends are University-educated. This does put the OP in a very unusual position.

My husband earns what we consider to be a high salary, but not half of what the OP earns. We are broke, but the money he earns is for us all to share. The children go to state school/nursery and I buy at least 50% of their clothes from charity shops. It isn't perfect, but I don't feel in any way demeaned by being at home and I hope I never have to work full time again, ever. At the same time, I am aware this is just a phase in my life and have every confidence I'll be able to work part-time again - hopefully quite soon, as youngest child has now turned 3.

SAHM mothers will never be valued properly until we stop being defensive and rising to the bait. If someone wants to sum up the work you do by suggesting you are a glorified maid and bum wiper or that you are living off your DP's money like a parasite - then you just have to question their reasoning and feel a little bit sorry for them too.

I didn't use the word parasite. A lot of words have been attributed to me on the thread I didn't first use but I certainly don't mind debating the political issue of roles in the home because it's important and as someone else said we're one of the first generations for may be 1000 years in the UK where women have regained some measure of equality at work even if at home women tolerate huge sexism. So many women work and their husbands expect them to do most of the children and home things too which is much worse than being a stay at home mother with one clear role.

I have never denigrated mothers who stay at home on this thread or elsewhere. I find it hard to understand why it interests them but that doesn't mean I would legislate to change their choices although I would try more to ensure there were more non transferrable paternity pay and leave rights.

No you didn't use the word parasite - you referred to leeching off men. A leech is a form of parasite you know! Tsk! - clearly your education was wasted on you

Does anybody else wonder if Xenia is:

(a) a man (b)a wind up merchant... and / or (c)the very same poster as 'Mozhe' (another poster with 5 children who seems to have remarkly convergent, equally extreme views on this subject area)

I've never posted on a thread with this type of theme before because its such dangerous territory and the comments can be so caustic. But I feel I have to say something, and its this: if you are going to be a full-time SAHM then imho you need high levels of self esteem and to be happy with your own company. It can be a lonely job, even if you do get out and about and see other grown-ups most days. You also need to be able to put the needs of other people before your own (without resenting the fact ALL THE TIME, its perfectly OK to resent it occasionally) and I think this is where we have the most difficulty. But surely it is just as dangerous to value yourself only in terms of the job you do and the money you earn, as it is to value yourself only as a mother; to devote your life utterly to your family, do nothing else as soon as the children come along, and then wonder what you are here for when they all leave home? (as other posters on this thread have described). The happy medium is, clearly, to SAH (either parent, full time or part-time) when the children are young. Then try doing something else. We don't all have the choice, but the OP does. In my 6 years as a full-time SAHM mum, I have met and become friends with every type of working/non-working mum/dad. But I don't think I know anyone at all who earns £250k - even though I'm in my 40s and live in London and 95% of my friends are University-educated. This does put the OP in a very unusual position.

My husband earns what we consider to be a high salary, but not half of what the OP earns. We are broke, but the money he earns is for us all to share. The children go to state school/nursery and I buy at least 50% of their clothes from charity shops. It isn't perfect, but I don't feel in any way demeaned by being at home and I hope I never have to work full time again, ever. At the same time, I am aware this is just a phase in my life and have every confidence I'll be able to work part-time again - hopefully quite soon, as youngest child has now turned 3.

SAHM mothers will never be valued properly until we stop being defensive and rising to the bait. If someone wants to sum up the work you do by suggesting you are a glorified maid and bum wiper or that you are living off your DP's money like a parasite - then you just have to question their reasoning and feel a little bit sorry for them too.

can't believe this is still going! I've resigned my second job today and I feel soooooooooooo liberated!!
Am still working part time though.

hmc: b
I'm sure that xenia is just taking the piss.

Xenia, you can CAT me or email on [email protected]

dammed PC lost my post earlier but it was along the lines of;

At least part of the job of a SAHP IS maid and bum wiper, if you are insulted by that description maybe you need to look at your attitude towards people who do two imporant types of jobs (sanitation and caring)

I personally don't like either sanitation/hygiene jobs nor do I like caring jobs. I like my work to be constantly challanging and with a high degree of autonomy and independance. That makes me unsuited for 50% of parenting tasks in these early years, so why not go and don what I do enjoy and am good at?

I also wanted to back up Xenia's points, she is a feminist, she belives that women and men are truly equal - or should be.

This discussion is ultimatly flawed because of its focus on women, even using SAHM is incredibly sexist.

Finally my order of preciuos things for whoever asked:
My freedom
My happiness
DH happiness
DS Health
DS happiness
My health
DH health
DS long term opportunities

"Parasite - you're dependent on his financial resources. Is that not slightly parasitic?"

You said that, Xenia

misosoup - dh is a derivatives structurer. he switched jobs about a year ago and negotiated a 4-day week. If you've got, if you'll excuse the phrase, the balls to ask, and if you've established your reputation, such things can be done.

I asked dh if he thought his 4-day a week request would have sounded/be treated differently had it come from a woman. he said there's not enough women for him to know . seriously misosoup - he does think that you can do serious banking less than full-time - but it depends on a lot of things - your relationships with your boss, the bank you work for (bit more difficult with an american one) - also if you're a book-runner he says it would be tough - but a move into structuring or sales could make it possible. (esp derivatives, apparently) there are quite a few people where he works working less than full-time.

ha, a feminist now is it?
imo feminism is not generally about slagging off other women and calling them leeches and parasites.
so much for the sisterhood, huh?

I think somehwere along the line feminism got confused with selfishness .

Xenia, I agree with your POV, although you might have been provoked to use strong words.

Before someone smash on me, I want to say looking after children and house work is a very hard job, if anyone (man or woman) decide to do that then I have full respect.

The reason that I feel the need to post here is that after read a few work/home related thread, I am quite shocked by the fact there are so many triditional minded people (men and women) in such a civilised western sociaty! Why it is always women the first they've thought about need to look after children? If anyone can look after children, why we have nannies/nursery nursers/teachers as a trained professionals? ...

If educated women are required to be at home with children, why don't we all choose to have an educational/house keeping/child psychology/... education if we knew one day we could become a mother? Why bother become an engineer, accountant, lawyer?

Have a think, please.

Barely literate

I'm sorry one an all but the time has come for gloves off...

thickest of the thick from thickville - that's how I truly see a couple of the posters on this thread...

Has it all gone suzywong?

"and all"

so, the conclusion is that
sahm are parasite
working mothers are selfish

Harpsichordcarrier:

"imo feminism is not generally about slagging off other women"

Harpsichordcarrier:

"in an ideal world, women who hold such revolting, antifeminist and utterly fucked up views as that would, I hope, not be so proud of them as to post about them in public"

Que? Or as you would say, "so much for the sisterhood, huh?"

Mrs Wobble - as ever, I salute you!

here's me posting something relevant to the op, blissfully unaware this had ended up the way it has. taken me an hour or so to read through....even if (and that's the biggest if I've ever posited) xenia's underlying ideas are right, I fail to see why denigrating these "downtrodden" women is remotely helpful.

and harpsichord carrier is right. most of the literate thinking couples I know make choices as a family unit. most of them are not so stupid as to fail ro realise that to an extent their joint decisions are constrained by external factors that are gendered (easier/more usual for women to take career breaks; men more likely to earn more) but we're getting there, and we can help by ensuring that the internal dynamics of our relationships are premised on equality.

oh come on anchovy don't show yourself up dear.
I was commenting on Xenia's views, her personal opinions expressed on this thread.
I wasn't making generalisations about SAHMs or even WOHMs.
surely you can't pretend not to understand the difference?

the more I read your post the more distinctly laughable it is
Xenia says - SAHMs are parasites, leeches and oppressed (&c&c ad infinitum)
and the appropriate feminist response to this is to say - right on Xenia my sister.
oh ROFL if that wasn't so sad.