Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

[misosoup]

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

I do think that the fact that you are a high earner is important here.

I think it will depend on how much you value your income, how your self-worth is tied into it and how you currently spend it.

With the amount of money that you earn, even if you think you are pretty down to earth, I suspect that you spend money without thinking about it - the odd GBP300 here, GBP1000 there that just goes out of your bank account without making a dent.

If you suddenly drop down to 50,000 per annum you will need to really, really take a good look at where you are spending your money and change the 'little' things that you are used to - cabs everywhere, lunches, GBP100 here, there etc.

At your salary I expect you are registered for private schools, have good holidays a few times a year, fly business class etc.

If I were you I would work and invest as much as possible to enable me to leave work for a few years and then go back. I'm sure that even in a fiendishly hard industry your acumen would enable you to manage that even after a couple of years.

Also don't forget that your work ethic teaches your children about work in the real world - also important when you are wealthy.

In your shoes, I would financially plan so I could take time off with the children for a year or 2 an then go back full time.

riab I'm not sure what you want us to explain about the role of fathers? what masive and pointless generalisation would you like me to make
I am not keen on this the men do one thing and the women do another thing.
or any kind of generalisation really.
within a family, decisions need to be made about how the children are looked after, of course. in the real world where I live, plenty of men look after their children for all or part of the day, because they share in family life. lots of them works shifts and pick up the children from school/drop them off for example.
though I expect not too many of them get paid £250k and they don't have the kind of choices that brings.
as I said, in functional families the parents sort through the available options and work out what is best for the whole family including the children$ (remember them?).
I am not an ardent SAHM (FWIW I have worked f/t and p/t and been at home full time at various points since having children. I am, however, ardently and even feverishly in favour of women who choose and are able to lok after their children not being disgustingly insulted by being told that they are oppressed, downtrodden and a parasite on their partners.
in an ideal world, women who hold such revolting, antifeminist and utterly fucked up views as that would, I hope, not be so proud of them as to post about them in public

friggin heck thats a load of cash... Misosoup can you not work 80% so you get more time with your girls and still keep your foot in the door????

my questoin was about the fact that once we got away fromt he OP stuff and into the whole SAHM v WOHM debate alot of the posts related to WOMEN, not to PARENTS.

I certinaly got the feeling that for some posters the question wasn't about how a family organised the income/childcare equation but about how the WOMAN in the family managed it. I also wondered if some of the more virulant attacks on people who said they didn't enjoy being with their kids 24/7 would have been just as virulant if it had been men who said they wanted a 'life or their own' 'their own income' etc etc.

so to get this thread even hotter, DS is not the most precious thing in my life, I actually think he's about 4 down the list.

Riab - as the person who brought up the "precious" comment, I've got to say that your comment made me rather than get hot. I actually usually feel a bit guilty that I don't put dp ahead of ds - but I don't. I wonder what your top 3 are?

I am, however, ardently and even feverishly in favour of women who choose and are able to lok after their children not being disgustingly insulted by being told that they are oppressed, downtrodden and a parasite on their partners.
I 100% agree, however, why do I get the feeling that women who work are instead often labelled as selfish, self-centred persons who value themseves in terms of what they had achieved career wise etc.? Many women work because they have to, not because they want to buy designers shoes for their children, but to pay the rent. Many women work because they love their job, what is wrong with that? Many women are doing jobs which are of great importance for the community, and sometimes they make a difference not only because they are doing their job coscientiously, but because they are women. Nursery nurse, teachers, nurses, midwives, doctors and the list could go on. I think it's unfair to say that they might not be investing in patient and love etc. I'll quote cappuccino again
Being a SAHM is a positive choice, just as being a WOHM. Both should be given their full appreciation. Both can be hard work, can be stimulating, and both are worthy of admiration.

Would I? I would have so long as dh's income could support the lifestyle I wanted for the family, for the kids and myself.

However, there came a point when dd turned 2 that I found myself bored stiff with the whole SAHM being surrounded by kids all day long, every day of the week. Then I really needed to put her in nursery to keep myself sane and do things for myself whilst she was there - sport, languages etc.

So I think, you may initially love the freedom of being at home and being close to your dc but possibly the novelty will wear off after a time. If so, could you return to where you are now?

Have read almost all the thread, but had to say that you should read "I don't know how she does it" by Allison Pearson.

50k in London is not a lot to live on. You would really struggle I think to drop down to that. It depends on your mortgage I suppose, but from where you are now, you might be shocked by the difference.

Could it be that you are just feeling trapped atm by that huge salary and the burden of keeping the household? It feels very unfair sometimes to be the breadwinner as a woman - you envy people earning less because it makes it an easier choice to give up and follow your heart to look after the kids.

But I think the grass is greener in this case. I know so many mums who would love to work if their salary justified the childcare costs.

I loved that book and recommend it to everybody (even though it was nothing like my life). My Mum recommends it to all her friends too....

Good thread. Freedom of speech is important. Presumably the best career path for a stay at home mother would be cordon bleu cookery classes, how to run a home, a stint in a nursery, a personal grooming how to keep your man happy in bed course and then off to the altar at 21? Why bother to qualify in things it's very hard work to achieve in when you know you'll be committing career suicide just as the success may be allowing you to slack off abit, to have children when in some careers (not all), getting back in a 45 - 50 is virtually impossible? I just can't see why anyone would want to bother with all those years of study and long hours if the aim is to be a happy housewife.

Why isn't there a father's net with men talking about this should they stay at home or not? Because of the engrained sexism in many relationships between men and women which I have never understood but so many women like, condone and perpetuate.

If a husband doesn't earn much then I suppose it's not leeching because his £30k is about what it would cost to buy in a nanny and housekeeper services so it's a 50/50 split. WOmen who can't afford to divorce, whose husbands are sleeping around and have no earning power of their own.... not a nice position to be in which had someone kept a career they wouldn't be.

Oppressed, downtrodden and parasite - let's look at that. Being home with no earnning power - is that oppression? Possibly but I didn't use that word. Women working is one way we've tried around the world to free them from subservience to men, though isn't it - when we give money to women in Africa to till the fields rather than to their men who drink or spend it.

Downtrodden - depends on your view point. Despite what has been said on here I haven't said women can't make a choice to stay at home as long as their men are as equal a candidate for that choice. Money is power in most capitalist societies and most abandoned mothers on divorce end up on state benefits.

Parasite - you're dependent on his financial resources. Is that not slightly parasitic?

I would prefer it if we have equal numbers of men as women at home and parents sharing childcare in a more balanced way.

ps, riab, yes you can email me. Do you have a email address and I can email to that?

It's not parasitic, Xenia, because once you're married or cohabiting with a child, you are a single unit as a family. The precise details of division of labour vary according to individual circumstances, but as long as everybody's happy with the way paid work vs domestic chores vs child care is shared out, there's no parasitism involved.

Some of the time dh has earned more than me, some of the time I've out-earned him. We've both been the sole breadwinner at different times. Now I earn approximately twice what he gets. We couldn't afford our (very non-glam) lifestyle on his salary alone, but I can confidently report I don't feel parasitised in the least.

Parasite - he's dependent on you caring for / keeping alive his children. Is that not slightly parisitic? No, it's a sharing of rewards and responsibilities by two adults who chose to share their lives and bring children into the world. Thanks goodness we live in an age where we do have choices about how we do this.

Xenia - "I would prefer it if we have equal numbers of men as women at home" - sorry, but why??? Is there a quota that most of use aren't even aware of?
"I just can't see why anyone would want to bother with all those years of study and long hours if the aim is to be a happy housewife" - well, in my case, I wanted to work hard, have a good career and a nice lifestyle and pay off as much of our mortgage as possible AND THEN, when children arrived, stop it in order to stay at home and look after them. Is it not OK to want different things at different times in your life?

we are the first generation of women to have almost equal opps in the workplace, at least before children come along.

I think it is really important for us to discuss and learn from our experiences regarding family, careers and giving up work.

if this is a genuine OP, which i am not totally convinced of tbh, then it shows just how hard that dilemma is.

could you work from home?

I prefer to see it as mutualism rather than parasitism

GoingQuietlyMad, how can I convince you that I exist? And why is it so difficult to believe?

I am just a normal person, I don't have all the answers. My salary is indeed high, but all this means is that I have a skill that somebody is prepared to pay a lot of money for - nothing more, nothing less. What it took to get here was a lot of hard work and some luck. I don't know why people keep questioning my existence...

I like to research my choices and this involves talking to people who have already been there. I thought, and have been proven right, that this is a great forum to get people's views and experiences.

i haven't read all the thread what is your job?

"parasite - you're dependent on his financial resources. Is that not slightly parasitic? "

good god Xenia I'm glad my relationship isn't as much of a power play as yours. I happen to be part of a family unit, where my skills as a mother are as valuable as my husband's skills as a breadwinner.

It seems you feel that women are only useful in terms of their financial worth. It's no point qualifying in anything if we're going to be mothers then, is it? Oh you're right, I should have spent the first 10 years of my post-degree life sitting on the sofa waiting to procreate. And afterwards too. Just sitting there. Waiting for the several years of childcare that my whole life clearly revolves around.

I think your idea of what a career is - what a life is, what a family is - is completely skewed and disfunctional. I have tried really hard to respect your point of view but you are not respecting anyone's point but yours, and are happily insulting people's life choices.

You're from the 'strap a pair of balls on' school of feminism obviously. For the record I think your opinion, if shared by anyone else (more than 6 people at least) could put the status of women in our society back decades.

but really, it's no point anyone discussing anything with you, is it? You think we're all stupid. You've made it quite obvious.

Well the feeling is mutual darling.

Dh has asked me to suggest that you think outside the box - change the dds' days so that they get up later and go to bed later, so you get more time with them. Not sure how that would work when they go to school - but still, am mentioning it as asked

nappyaddict - I buy things when they are cheap and sell them when they are expensive

PMSL at the "strap a pair of balls on" school of feminism

Cappuccino, you are on fire