Would you leave a £250,000pa job to be a SAHM?

[misosoup]

Ok, I've changed my name for this, not quite sure why....

I really enjoy my job and it is pretty well paid but since I returned to work after having DD2 I have been thinking a lot about this.

I can afford not to work, dh's income is nothing like mine but still above average although it will clearly be a huge drop in our standard of living.

And I miss the kids do much during the day... I spend 2 hours per day with them plus weekends. There is no way I can cut my hours any more and part-time is out of the question.

But I have worked so hard to get here, against all odds. I don't want to throw it all away.

there is a crude portrayal of sahms

but there also needs to be recognition of the crude portrayal of wohms.

not all have fat salaries - and choice hasben implied throughout.

most posts have not been about the OP. like many posts this has morphed into a wohm v sahm thing

No, not really. The thread is about whether or not the OP should give up her huge salary to live on her dh's less huge, but still fairly generous salary in order to be at home with her children. Some posts have implied that being a SAHM means having no life and nothing about her other than her children and their activities. I argue that SAHMs often do lead full and interesting lives which do not revolve around playdates and housework. Pointing out that some women have to work isn't really relevant, as far as I can see. The OP isn't one of them.

I don't really consider someone to be a stay at home parent unless all their children are school age and they don't work. Things are all topsy turvy with under 5s and it all changes. There are loads of people who take a bit of time out and restart work/study eventually. I was home with my twins for around 2 years but didn't consider myself a stay at home mum. Felt I was home by default for a while because I didn't have any earning power and that it was dead lucky that I liked little babies and toddlers (except when they started pissing all over the floor.) But fully intended to work up towards some earning power in a job I liked the future. And have- though I doubt I will ever earn £250k in a lifetime let alone a year.

exactly the op is in a position that applies to a tiny number of women

But I take your point about crude portrayal of WOHMs too, saintaugustine. There is black and white thinking on both sides and it is destructive, I agree.

cool greeny

Absolutely. If you love it and want to do voluntary work whilst being there for the chidlren after school and in holidays go for it, men as well as women. This is not some God given right we have because we have breasts. Men are at least as entitled to have that precious time if they want it and many do. If you don't love it then don't do it but don't do it thinking you'll love it and finding you don't particularly if you'll regret not being able to get back into that level of earnings which if it's the work I think OP said below you tend to have a short work span/age to earn in, although whether our new age discrimination laws will enable 65 year olds to get the graduate jobs in those types of fields remains to be seen. Interesting times.

MisoSoup

Interesting question. I WOTH full-time as does DH and our situation is similar-ish - I earn well but not as much as you do and I earn twice not five times what DH earns. I think the current size of your salary is a bit of a red herring, it's the the size of the reduction in income that's important. Before you take this step, I suggest that you do some extensive financial analysis (shouldn't be too difficult as you're investment banker!) and, assuming you stay in your current house and your DH sticks with his existing job, work out what your annual outgoings will be including the inevitable Unexpected Big Things (boiler blows up, car breaks down etc.) and the monthly costs attributable to e.g. replacing your car, saving for a pension. Going from £300K to £50K is going to require meticulous financial planning.

It might also be worth considering the full impact of the change on DH - how will the increased pressure to maintain or even increase his income affect him? Will he adjust easily to your change in role?

Also, is there nothing you can find between all the hours God sends and £250K and zero hours and zero K? Is there any kind of part-time consultancy role that you could take on, perhaps for your best client, which could ease the transition and take the pressure off your husband.

And by the way, if you're managing to spend two hours a day with your children and be an investment banker, you're doing very well!

Miso, don't give it up. Especially you have two girls! Set up a model to them - mummy has a great career. They'd soon grow up and be proud of you, and will work harder to become successful.

There is always talks about glass ceiling for women at work, I don't know if you have broken yours or you still working on it. It is nice to see women do well in career.

Also as suggested, a trial might help you to make a decision. I love my DS and don't feel too happy about others look after him, but there is only limited baby talk I can do. My point is: not every woman would enjoy being a SAHM.

"this has turned into a sahm V wohm. (again)

i think Wohms are far more interesting all round the "no money in the world could seperate me from my children" type of mummy mkes me vomit"

God what a wanky comment. Doesn't even merit a serious response.

at hmc

Hi Miso, I gave up a £200K pa investment banking job earlier this year to become a SAHM (2 DSs) and haven't regretted it for a moment, BUT we all have different circumstances/needs/ambitions so obviously what worked for me may not for you.

I am assuming that your bonus will be paid either December or April next year, so you'll need to wait for that and don't need to do anything right now. I think you should write down all the reasons you want to be a SAHM and then all the fears that you have about it (eg one of mine was what on earth happens if DH loses his job for any reason?)

I think that with any big decision, you already know what it is you want to do, but you need to get yourself comfortable with it. If you want to be a SAHM you need to get your head round all the bad bits (a huge drop in income obviously being one of these). If you want to stay at work you need to deal with the guilt/resentment of the nanny etc.

It took me months to decide to give it all up but TBH I knew what I really wanted from the start and then it was just a question of trying to make myself feel OK with it.

One other thing, if you gave up after your next bonus is paid, you could give it a go for, say six months, and then if you decided it wasn't for you, you could always get another job as your skill set wouldn't be too out of date yet. Then you could say at interview that you just took a bit of time out to be with your daughters but were raring to get back to being a trader!

Christ what job do you do?

It's easy to downsize, it's the upsizing I'm having the problems with.

Another way of looking at this is that you can have it all. I put off having children for ages as I just couldn't see how I could make it work. I was fairly sure that being a SAHM wasn't right for me (tbh, financially not really an option either), but also I didn't want to work crazy hours and not see my baby.

As part of a development programme at work I saw a management development consultant who was brilliant. I learned techniques for reducing my workload and being more effective. I went from around 65 hrs a week to my contractual 37 and everyone thought my performance had increased . I got loads of very practical advice and the consultant took a great deal of time to understand me and helped me to prioritise and focus.

I now have best of both worlds (work full time but from home 3 days a week when DS is looked after by my Mum).

It may not be possible in your current role and you will certainly need to get creative, but IME if you are clear about your priorities then you can have it all. It doesn't have to be a stark choice between SAHM and the job you are currently doing.

I do believe that the best possible situation for children is a happy mum so if you get that right the chances are it will be right for everyone.

I thought of this thread when I read this article from yesterday's paper about working and stay at home mothers and it's suggestions working mothers do their children a favour by not seeing to their every need etc....

I still think you have to do what is right for you, your children and husband and may be talking it over or a life coach or someone could help you sort out any guilt, time management, ways to ensure you keep the salary and feel better about things or work less if that's what you choose.

www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2092-2426350.html

That's an excellent and very balanced article Xenia - well worth a link

Isn't there already a thread about that article? I think it attracted the kind of responses it deserved

I'm writing this message in response to some of the messages further down about whether being a SAHM is intellectually stimulating. Assuming that we all agree that being a SAHM is a job - with particular goals and tasks like anyother job, then I don't think it is insulting to say that for some people it might not be as intellectually stimulating as for others.

In the end, not all jobs are intellectually stimulating and also different people get stimulation and satisfaction from different things. Eg, some get the buzz from serving others (and may be attracted to jobs innon profit, or teachers or particular types of jobs in other companies), some from making money, others from solving major challenges and overcoming obstacles, others from running their own business. They all offer different types of intellectual stimulation. The knack is to match your own personality and your own drivers of satisfaction with the right job.

I think the amount of intellectual stimulation from being a parent varies by child and by age of children. Personally I find parenting a young child (in my case 2 under 5) is rewarding and fun, but not intellectually stimulating. However, I could imagine that parenting a teenager, particularly a gifted one, could be intellectually stimulating. And of course we all get intellectual stimulation from other things too - reading, studying, etc.

Gone on long enough ... interested in others point of view

LadyPenelope, that was a good point. I thought baout posting the following type of scenario to highlight how we tend to view the 'job' of being a SAHM/D differently to other jobs.

My JOB:
I'm in a job that doesn't pay well.
I wasn't trained for it and I've recieved very little support in the role with no mentor/coach or friendly colleagues.
I don't get on with my colleagues and sometimes they are verbally abusive towards me.
In meetings and gatherings of myself and other working in this field I am ostracised and critised for my approach.
So far I have met all my objectives and targets but I receive no praise for this, just critiscism for the way I have chosen to do things.
I find that I am not suited at all in temperament for this type of work and believe I could contribute more effectivly to my family in other work.
The stress of the job are affecting my relationships with my partner and family.

Would you resign?

obviuosly the 'job' I have right now is being a f/t mum to an 18mo. But if you didn't know that, would you tell someone it was their duty to stay in a job like this?

Every person and every job is different. I loved my paid employment prior to DS. Some people would have hated it - and did we had people start with us then leave after 2 weeks.
My mum is a teacher, my dad did his PGCE and lasted 2 terms before he realised it wasn't for him.
None of that makes them bad people, it shows that temperement and personality matter when deciding what to do in your life.

To get back to the OP, My big concern about giving up her job is that as people have pointed out to earn £250k you will be working very hard and be very focused. I am unsure if the skills/temperement you have for that kind of job will be suitable for the job of being a SAHP.

Well put LadyPenelope. I'm back at work FT myself, earning less than the OP but still a lot of money.

£250k is a huge salary to give up. Also, personally I think I'd still work no matter how much my salary was because if I was a SAHM I think I'd risk becoming a 'pushy mother'. I'm not saying that ALL SAHM's are pushy, I'm saying that the same personality traits which helped me get near the top rung in my career would be disastrous if I applied them to the role of SAHM eg ambition, being competitive, being a perfectionist etc. Since I can't 'switch off' those traits I'm best off at work, so I can satisfy those drives in the office. Then I can go home & let my little DS be whoever he wants to be...
The money is also nice

good thread this - only just found it.
about being a SAHM who does lots of voluntary work that keeps you 'intellectually stimulated' - isn't that just a different way of working? IME, in the voluntary sector, you need to go to meetings, meet deadlines and can't always have your kids with you to get the job done. so you'd be telling yourself you are a SAHM to make yourself feel better, but behaving like a working one..IYSWIM

also, can someone do a link to the times article - i can't get to it from the one posted already. thanks..

riab, loved the work description re staying at home. Very good. It's how I would feel about it. I do think a lot of things my children have benefited from as they become independent adults is their self sufficiency, the things they have had to do and organise alone, things that arise because I wasn't there - in other words sometimes benefits because they can may be learn more self reliance, independence, getting tubes at night, sorting out bus routes, even rescuing horses off roads alone in your mid teens, things they never would have done had I been around more. Even the 8 years old who walked to school alone today - just to the end of the road but they wouldn't have had to do that if wasn't working and I think it makes them feel grown up and self confident.

'you owe it to women' to work

what bollocks. How shallow.

I am a sahm and a feminist.

Xenia I have teenagers. maybe if you had stayed at home with them they would have grown up to be a little less consumerist.

Women like you give women a bad name

That was just one of many points I made. May be you do owe it to women to work if you're trying to put a list of pro and cons point. Not a very good example to daughters if people slog for all those exams, success etc and then become a glorified maidservant and bottom wiper is it? Lok at what women did so that we could work and play an equal part in running this country and its institutions and yet people chose to perpetuate sexism in their homes. It baffles me most of all why women like it but obviously some adore it so carry on but I still don't think these sexist models are good for society or children. I don't think my teenagers are any more materialist than other children but they certainly enjoy some of the things mnoey can buy as do most adults in the UK unless they've chosen to take vows of poverty and entered convents etc.