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Feeling utterly defeated and worthless.

116 replies

Snowcherriesfromfrance · 10/06/2014 17:03

Ds is nearly 5 and in reception.
I've been a sahm since he was born. We wanted more children but have suffered secondary infertility. This year (well i mean since september when ds started school) we've had three unsuccessful rounds of Ivf and I delayed job hunting because of going through the Ivf. I needed quite a bit of time to get back and forth to the clinic etc and found it extremely stressful. I did not think starting a new job and then having to ask for time off at short notice with no explanation was a good idea so I've been volunteering four days a week instead to try and get myself some current experience and to do something rather than just let the year slide by having achieved nothing.
Prior to ds I was a teacher. I am volunteering two days in school and two days with a charity.

I'm really struggling to find a job. I applied for a job at the school I'm volunteering in but they didn't even interview me, they said I had been out of it for too long versus other applicants who had much more experience than me and current experience too.

I ideally only want to do three days a week as ds is still small, has a few health issues and also will be my only child bar a micacle so I want to spend as much time with him as I can, dh works very very long hours and ds barely sees him so if I do the same ds won't see either of us.

Dh has a good job and earns £90k+ but I'm aware it isn't fair for him to carry all the the financial pressure, although to be fair even if I find a part time job it would never pay enough to cover our mortgage and bills if dh did lose his job.

Dh says I've got until September and then he won't support me financially anymore. I'm so anxious and stressed, I feel useless. I can't have a baby, I can't give ds a sibling and I'm unemployable.
I'm starting to feel like there's simply no point carrying on.

What else can I do except keep applying and doing my voluntary stuff? How else can I make myself vaguely employable?

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 10/06/2014 17:08

You can get rid of a DH who is so unsupportive and unhelpful, for a start. What exactly happened to for richer for poorer???

HTH.

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 10/06/2014 17:08

Sorry but if your DH earns 90plus grand then he can well afford for you to take your time finding the right job for you to be able to continue to look after your child on the other days.

WaffleWiffle · 10/06/2014 17:10

Have you thought about a non teaching post in school? TA for example, of office/admin staff?

What about supply teaching?

NatashaBee · 10/06/2014 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowcherriesfromfrance · 10/06/2014 17:13

I did wonder about supply but I'd have to pay for ds's childcare even if I didn't get called in for supply so I could probably only specify a couple of days a week in case I didn't get called in.

I looked at ta positions but worked out that after paying the childcare we would only be about £300 a month better off. And since dh says he won't give me anything come September I'd have to try and pay for everything out of that £300 and I can't do it.

OP posts:
BuildYourOwnSnowman · 10/06/2014 17:14

Your dh is a dick. You are a family not flat mates

He needs to be more supportive - it sounds like he isn't eloping your confidence

Guitargirl · 10/06/2014 17:15

What the hell does he mean he 'won't support you financially any more'? Angry on your behalf...

What does he expect you to do exactly? You have been looking for a job! If you divorced him he would find out exactly what supporting you financially would look like.

VioletGoesVintage · 10/06/2014 17:15

He said what?

Did you tell him you'd be billing him for all the child care duties you've provided to date?

Sorry, but what an utter arse he is. I don't think I could be with someone like that. Can you - really?

What work you do is a separate issue but I am sure you are eminently employable. Maybe try volunteering in a different school? That's how my teacher SIL got herself a TA job after several years out of the market. Just because one school says something doesn't mean another will take the same view. But, really, you know, you've got to sort out this situation with your H first.

Chin up. Very little is ever truly hopeless.

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 10/06/2014 17:16

Jesus what a wanker! What's he gonna do, not feed you?

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 10/06/2014 17:17

What do you mean you can't afford childcare? Shouldn't your H be paying half or has he conveniently forgotten about your son?

Does he intend to split all the bills etc? That's no way to live

Timetoask · 10/06/2014 17:17

I am gobsmacked at your unsupportive husband. What a jerk.
Please know that this is not how a marriage is meant to be. You are a partnership, not an employee.

FourForksAche · 10/06/2014 17:18

ok, bill him for childcare, cooking, cleaning and laundry.

VioletGoesVintage · 10/06/2014 17:18

Good grief. Cross post.

I'd be seeing a solicitor. Sorry, but I would.

As an aside, when you say, you worked out the child care costs on the basis of a TA's salary, you did calculate it as if your H was paying half, didn't you?

minipie · 10/06/2014 17:19

Seriously? Your DH has said he won't support you? Shock What's his reasoning?

First, presumably he promised at the altar to share all that he has with you.

Second, the law would make him support you if you were divorced. Why does he think it should be any different if you are married? He's putting you in a position where you would be better off if you divorced him. Is that really what he wants?

OscarWinningActress · 10/06/2014 17:19

You are not unemployable and it sounds like you've been doing all the right things to stay active while you've been looking after your little boy. The right job will come along but you really don't need to be under this sort of pressure. You need to tackle your DH. He sounds horrible and his stance is COMPLETELY unacceptable. He needs to accept that for now you are a SAHP until the right position for you AND for your family comes along and that his income is FAMILY income. Grrrrr.....Angry.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/06/2014 17:20

Gobsmacked. Are some women really living like this?
OP, your dh is a KNOB.

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 10/06/2014 17:21

The only way I can see this remotely acceptable is if you had a severe shopping or credit card habit and expected him to pay
If he's pissed at you because you earn no money then he's an unsupportive jerk.

Bowlersarm · 10/06/2014 17:22

What a horrible dismal husband you have. What would he have demanded you did if you had become pregnant?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 10/06/2014 17:23

He won't support what? What are you buying? Constant supply of Gucci shoes?

Does he want you to go back ft? It sounds as if he wants a) and you want b) which means c) arguments are occurring.

For 3 days not ft hrs what kind of pay does he think you will get? And why is child care coming out of your salary not his?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2014 17:24

Your husband is a cunt
You'd get more out of him in maintenance if you left him. Plus you might meet someone else whose sperm is more compatible and who knows you might have another child.
Either way, the point is, he's a horrible cunt.

Lilaclily · 10/06/2014 17:25

Sounds like you're dh wants out of the marriage :(
Why else would he be so mean

Snowcherriesfromfrance · 10/06/2014 17:26

If I'd managed to get pregnant I'd have continued to be a sahm.
It's not because we need the money. It's because now ds is at school I'm not really contributing anything. I mean I'm doing the cooking and housework but loads of people work and do that don't they?

If I split the childcare with dh I'd still only have about £400 a month and I can't afford to run my car and pay for ds's and my clothes out of that. It would be less than £100 a week.

OP posts:
Snowcherriesfromfrance · 10/06/2014 17:27

He won't pay for my car insurance / tax / petrol.
I don't really buy anything else for me. I wait until my birthday and christmas for new clothes / a haircut.

I do buy ds's clothes though.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 10/06/2014 17:28

I'm sorry, I'd be seeing a solicitor too Shock

It sounds like you are trying your hardest to find a job, and there aren't many out there. It's not easy at the moment.

Others are right, if you separated he would actually owe you that money.

If this even remotely comes to pass (and I would be out that door if at all possible the moment it happened) then stop doing ANYTHING for him at all. In fact, if he's expecting you to pay for childcare and then live off what is left if you do get a job, I'd stop doing anything as well.

The more I think about this the more angry it is making me. This has very little to do with you finding work. This is about him being an abusive arsehole. Please, please think about reposting this in Relationships to get some advice on what to do.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2014 17:28

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220049

To reiterate - you'd get more out of this tight arse if you divorced him.