Feeling utterly defeated and worthless.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

Ds is nearly 5 and in reception.
I've been a sahm since he was born. We wanted more children but have suffered secondary infertility. This year (well i mean since september when ds started school) we've had three unsuccessful rounds of Ivf and I delayed job hunting because of going through the Ivf. I needed quite a bit of time to get back and forth to the clinic etc and found it extremely stressful. I did not think starting a new job and then having to ask for time off at short notice with no explanation was a good idea so I've been volunteering four days a week instead to try and get myself some current experience and to do something rather than just let the year slide by having achieved nothing.
Prior to ds I was a teacher. I am volunteering two days in school and two days with a charity.

I'm really struggling to find a job. I applied for a job at the school I'm volunteering in but they didn't even interview me, they said I had been out of it for too long versus other applicants who had much more experience than me and current experience too.

I ideally only want to do three days a week as ds is still small, has a few health issues and also will be my only child bar a micacle so I want to spend as much time with him as I can, dh works very very long hours and ds barely sees him so if I do the same ds won't see either of us.

Dh has a good job and earns £90k+ but I'm aware it isn't fair for him to carry all the the financial pressure, although to be fair even if I find a part time job it would never pay enough to cover our mortgage and bills if dh did lose his job.

Dh says I've got until September and then he won't support me financially anymore. I'm so anxious and stressed, I feel useless. I can't have a baby, I can't give ds a sibling and I'm unemployable.
I'm starting to feel like there's simply no point carrying on.

What else can I do except keep applying and doing my voluntary stuff? How else can I make myself vaguely employable?

Every respondent has said the issue here is your DH, but you're continuing to focus on yourself as the problem. It's not you, it's him. You haven't failed to produce another child, he has male factor problems. You as a family have plenty of money, but he is keeping it to himself. You seem to be unable to even consider the possibility he is unreasonable, it's like you've been brainwashed.

Your husband sounds like a dick. What's he like to live with? Please have a look at some of the links up thread.

Honestly am fuming

You've been through an incredibly emotional and difficult time. You want to spend time with your son - of course you do. And the family is financially secure.

What is his problem?

I think you need to get your confidence up to even be able to think straight.

Go to an agency tomorrow and sign up. Why not do supply TA work? Very often Special Schools need supply TAs as they just have to have a certain number of hands on deck and can't afford to go down.

Does your DS's school have an after school club? Could you go and talk to them about trying to find work and see if they'd let you just phone to check DS into after school care if you got the call to work?

I think you should just take work initially, even if paying for childcare will mean you only break even, just to get out of the house and realise that you ARE valuable.

This is the most heartbreaking post. Plenty of people cannot have children (waves) and plenty of people struggle to get back into a career after having a break from work. It is tough out there, you, I am sure, have all sorts of things to offer an employer and for now you just have to keep on keeping on. Are you aware you are being financially abused? Your dh sounds vile.

What a sad thread. I hope you are listening op.

snowcherries, your life might be better as a single parent have you two ever thought of going to relate?

DH and I have 1 child conceived by ivf.

We have spent a further 20K on more ivf which has all failed or ended in mc. He is as devastated as I am.

DH would be quite happy to support me if I wanted to be a sahm for our one child. He offers this regularly, but I like to work, so I do.

My DH earns less than 30K.
Your DH is an utter cunt.

Gobsmacked. He earns 90k and expects you to cover your car costs, and your married? What happened to the concept of family money.

I feel for you, I really do. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not about ultimatums and threats.

Your husband earns £90k+ and cant support you financially whilst you try to find yourself a job that will suit both of you - ie, you will still be there to do a lot of the childcare so he can earn his £90k??

Leave him. You'd be better off financially and not have this man making you feel like crap.

You use words like redundant. Can I ask - are these words that he uses to you?

Sometimes.
It just seems like at 31 my life is over. No babies, no job, no hope.

It's not over, snowcherries. It's really not. Happier times are ahead for you. But to get to them you need to work out what's not right in your life at the moment. You sound unhappy. How do you feel when your DH comes home, at the weekends? How do you feel about yourself around him? Does he make you happy?

I'm a SAHM. Your DH is a twat, OP, and if he is making you feel worthless, I have to wonder why you remain with him.

I do think it's normal for SAHPs to struggle a bit with their purpose once DCs start school (been there, done that) but your DH's attitude is appalling and making things so much worse for you!

Oh darling.
You are only 31....your whole life ahead of you!
Babies are lovely but just because you don't have a baby does that mean your life has no meaning?
I do think you sound depressed...no wonder with what you have been through coupled with being married to a twatbadger.
Perhaps a chat with your gp?

Wow OP. Here's my first ever LTB. What a HORRIBLE bastard.

If my husband said that to me I'd be fucking off, getting a divorce and looking forward to receiving his financial support minus having to deal with his shit.

Snowcherries - your parenting is so far from over. DS is a year older than yours, and our only child. From my experience, parenting got more intense over the reception year. You certainly aren't going to be redundant any time soon.

But, oh my, your husband is at best struggling to come to terms with the fact that the two of you can't have a further child.

Please take some of the advice from the previous posters about getting outside advice.

Oh OP, you are not redundant. Or pointless. Or anything else similar. Children don't bring themselves up once they get to school age, they need loving supportive parents, and from how your husband is behaving to you I have trouble seeing him in that role...
And you are a teacher, you have skills,you are volunteering and that is a contribution to society. Your DH's attitude is appalling,don't let him convince you your current situation marks you as a failure. 31 is nothing ; you have plenty of time left for whatever you want to do. Please, don't use those negative labels for yourself - they are not true.

Oh, snowcherries, you sound so ground down. I'm facing the prospect of DS being an only and it's breaking my heart a bit.

Two steps: try different strategies for job-getting - sounds like you have this under control and lots of good advice here. What about tutoring? Easier to set your own hours and a source of additional income.

Second step: really assess in what ways you wouldn't be better off if you and DS left your husband. Financially, emotionally, socially. It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship emotionally, from what you've said. What do you get from it? And would you be happy if your DS treated his future partner in the same way?

Snowcherries, are you reading and digesting these posts? Because you haven't once commented on what everyone is saying in unison. You are being financially and emotionally abused by your husband. This is an absolutely unacceptable situation. My DH earns about 20K less than your H and has happily supported our family for the last 7 years, because we are a unit. Have you not been bringing up yours and his son for the last few years??! What an absolute arsehole he sounds - has he always been this nasty? This is an awful example of a man for your DS to see. This is one of the saddest posts I've read on MN. If you repost in Relationships, you'll get some really good, practical advice, in addition to the excellent advice you've already had here. You are worth so much more than this and I'm very for you. Tosser.

Also, one other little thought, that how wonderful a miracle each child is, and as others say you have so many years of parenting your DS ahead of you. My cousin had one DS (and a DD who sadly died in infancy) and now she also has two gorgeous DGD's too. She has a very full life visiting and looking after them all, as well as time for a career (recently retired) and many of her own interests.
It's mainly DH I'm sure that's making you feel so down about yourself and the future.

As many others have said, this relationship is abusive. One of the results of being in an abusive relationship is that your sense of self is so gradually eroded that you begin to feel worthless. How dare he call you redundant and not take care of you when you have had a beautiful son and brought him up? Your 'd'h would not have been able to earn his money if you were not running house and family.

You sound, understandably, depressed from the IVF and the toll of living with abuse. I think, as a first step, I would recommend seeing your GP. Then think about who you can talk to in real life. Family? Friends? I think you do need to leave him and build your own life, but you are so ground down it probably looks impossible. It is not impossible. Someone upthread linked to Women's Aid, I think calling them or going to see them is a good idea.

You are not worthless . Your 'd'h does not value you, and what you have done for your family, but that is a reflection of him, not you.

WTF!!!!!

WAKE UP!!!!!!!

Your problem is not your current lack of job, to obsess about that is to avoid looking at the real issue. Your problem is your husband.

Examine his attitude, not your perceived failings.

It is not unusual for one person in a marriage to be out of work for a significant period of time. Even more the case when there have been children to care for and fertility issues.

It is ABHORRENT for the high-earning partner to withdraw support from the other in this situation. His attitude is simply not acceptable.

PLEASE listen to what people are saying.

Do you know how much 90 grand is? My whole household runs on less than a third of that and he begrudges you money for haircuts. The man is an absolute douche. I hope you are reading this thread and taking it in! I have never ever said it on here before, but Leave The Bastard!