Feeling utterly defeated and worthless.

[Snowcherriesfromfrance]

Ds is nearly 5 and in reception.
I've been a sahm since he was born. We wanted more children but have suffered secondary infertility. This year (well i mean since september when ds started school) we've had three unsuccessful rounds of Ivf and I delayed job hunting because of going through the Ivf. I needed quite a bit of time to get back and forth to the clinic etc and found it extremely stressful. I did not think starting a new job and then having to ask for time off at short notice with no explanation was a good idea so I've been volunteering four days a week instead to try and get myself some current experience and to do something rather than just let the year slide by having achieved nothing.
Prior to ds I was a teacher. I am volunteering two days in school and two days with a charity.

I'm really struggling to find a job. I applied for a job at the school I'm volunteering in but they didn't even interview me, they said I had been out of it for too long versus other applicants who had much more experience than me and current experience too.

I ideally only want to do three days a week as ds is still small, has a few health issues and also will be my only child bar a micacle so I want to spend as much time with him as I can, dh works very very long hours and ds barely sees him so if I do the same ds won't see either of us.

Dh has a good job and earns £90k+ but I'm aware it isn't fair for him to carry all the the financial pressure, although to be fair even if I find a part time job it would never pay enough to cover our mortgage and bills if dh did lose his job.

Dh says I've got until September and then he won't support me financially anymore. I'm so anxious and stressed, I feel useless. I can't have a baby, I can't give ds a sibling and I'm unemployable.
I'm starting to feel like there's simply no point carrying on.

What else can I do except keep applying and doing my voluntary stuff? How else can I make myself vaguely employable?

First thing you've got to do is divorce you'd twat of a husband. I feel it will make you much more confident.

Really? What is the point in a marriage if you aren't equals who SUPPORT each other.

Because you aren't equals op. He sounds liked a father who is sick of workshy daughter threatening yo take the pocket money away.

I hope you told him to get to fuck.

If not then I feel your self esteem would also massively benefit from dumping this loser.

I'm guessing you do everything at home and with sd too.

*ds

Employment or otherwise is not the issue.

Your H is.

Please listen to the advice and get some RL advice regarding financial abuse at the very least.

OP, sorry to speak out of turn but I'm sure I remember your story from a previous thread? You said on that you thought he was a sociopath? I'm sorry but you have to leave. You need to get out of there before he takes everything from you.

You're worth so much more than he's letting you believe.

I looked at your other threads and saw you started IVF yesterday. Are you ignoring all the comments about your husband because you're still hoping for another baby to solve the issue?

We haven't started another cycle.
We were planning to but haven't. I'm not sure how I feel about going into it again. I haven't got the strength at the moment.

I'm not in a position to go anywhere atm, I need to find a job first. Get some money behind me and independence.

snowcherries I read your OP out to my DH and he was astounded that a man could behave like your H is towards you.

As many PPs have said, you are being (at least) financially abused. You do not have to live like this. Please, please, please contact woman's aid or look at some of the information on their website to help gain some perspective - it is not right that he has made you feel like this. You're so young really, and you could be so much more if you looked at going it alone - your DH wears you down.

No you don't snow that is just an excuse.

You'd get help, benefits, maintenance etc.

The longer you stay the worse it will get.

But it could be a plan to get some kind of job first and then move forwards with her DS from this relationship? Hopefully with OP's skills and qualifications it should be possible to find something suitable, though I know it's a tough market ATM.

But a job like I just got working in a pre-school or similar would be school hours and might give you the confidence and resources to feel more able to make your own choices OP? (I have a teaching qualification too but many teachers go on to do other work whether related to teaching or completely different)

Its ok to plan snow, to gain confidence , to get your ducks in a row. Please please call Woman's Aid and get some advice, they wont force you into a decision , but can give you rl support.
I understand that you need to be ready to leave, and that your not at that point yet.

Different things might work for different people I guess.

But when I was trying to leave an abusive relationship the worst thing I did was convince myself I was only staying until i was that bit more secure, that bit more prepared.

It added years onto a hell that I should have just left. You can't get that time back op. It just gives your 'd'p more time to abuse you, the more worthless you feel the less likely you are to leave.

It was the best day of my life when I said fuck the preparations I'm out of here!

Fair enough LadyNexus
And thanks for your thoughts too Humansatnav

Hopefully all of the posts taken together with their slightly different experiences and viewpoints can help Snowcherries

(I like your pretty NN BTW, where does that come from? - Reminds me of time I spent in Japan)

One way to show how wrong what he is doing with the money is to picture what would happen if someone in your situation was to get a divorce.

They would probably get the house. They would also get considerable financial support, particularly out of a 90k salary.

This is because the law in this country views one income between a married couple as essentially shared. One party works, the other stays at home to raise a child - and the law does not see that as redundant. The law sees that as a shared income within your married family.

While you stay with him he can refuse to give you money.

If you leave him, he owes you money.

Both you & he need to value the work you do raising your child and supporting him to work by doing the bulk of the home tasks.

Part of me wonders if your husband is lashing out, grieving over the failed IVF's you've both been through. That's not an excuse though.

Perhaps you could go to your GP and ask if they could refer you for some counselling or just something for you that would help you gain a bit of confidence and feel better about yourself. Then when you do, you can start thinking about what you want in life.

It sounds to me like people take advantage of you a lot, because you're good natured and afraid to disagree. I am the same, and I know how frightening the thought of confrontation is. You need to start thinking about yourself, and putting yourself first every now and again. Give yourself a break.

Good luck :-)