High earning mothers

[ClarissaG]

I'm interested to start a discussion group for Mums and Mums to be who are juggling (or planning to juggle) a high flying career and motherhood. I loath to use the term 'Power Mums', but those who earn enough (£100k plus) to afford a team of help, but have the kind of pressures and working hour expectations that that level of salary brings.

I read the Mumsnet Guest blog with interest (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_blogs/1977242-Why-is-society-so-unsupportive-of-high-achieving-power-mums) but the comments less so.

Is there scope for a supportive group for such Mums with practical ideas, experiences and thoughts rather than judgement about whether we can 'have it all'?

I am mid thirties, a VC, 12 weeks pregnant and have not yet told my fellow partners. I want it all but have no idea if that is realistic or how my future is going to pan out!

Softcookie:

^A few things happened this week: i broke down at work and told my boss i have too much on and need staff or fewer deliverables; i worked from home today; and i called employee assistance (confidentual helpline) who have referred me to a counsellor for stress management. I feel really close to burnout

But i know that the only thing that would help long term is to be able to leave work at 5 every day. Or 6, at least. Take my kids to school once in a wgile, be there for them when they get home. And that will never happen. So.... Idk where that leaves me^

Exactly the same happened to me. I had to cry in the toilets on a couple of occasions, told my boss I had too much work and needed more staff or less work. I then called employee assistance and am about to complete a 6-session run of counselling. I also spoke with a psychotherapist who referred me to my gp.

All of these events have really helped to clear my head and give me the space to think and reflect about what I really want, and for the medium term, it is to have more time with the children as they grow up, whilst still being in a fulfilling and rewarding job. It has helped me to take steps towards a career change. I won't get what I want from this role, as the workload will not change and no amount of effective time management on my part is going to change that enough. I am home by 6.15 most days, but I work again in the evenings and weekends, and the job has just ground me down.

Bit down. Went for a new job and didn't get it. Wasn't quite well enough prepared for the interview and was tired. Know I would have been up against many people who had a SAHP and who could opt out of the "home stuff" for a couple of days for something like this.

DH and I are so stretched.

Sorry to hear that, BusinessUnusual. Was it a job that you really wanted? Is there anything similar that you could go for?

I really understand business. I felt so tired for my recent round of interviewing and despite being normally an optimistic got a bit defeatist about it. I knew I would be up against people who either had no children or wasn't getting up four bloody times to Breastfeed the baby in the night before interviews. I stopped thinking about the opposition and thought about me. In the end I went for strategic prep- on areas I really thought would stand me out and working on my inner confidence. I sat in a coffee shop just before the final round and just found calm confidence. Thought about the things that inspired me and used that to give me the edge. That sounds really corny and silly but it worked for me. Also the coffee shop guy flirted with me a bit and gave me a free coffee so that gave me a buzz < shallow>

To add I got rejected for three roles at final rounds before this one

Thanks both!

I did like the sound of the job. And it was with a "good" employer.

I'm aware that neither DH or I have moved jobs enough to be considered dynamic career types from our CVs - but being with flexible employers was a huge priority.

Onwards and upwards - it wasn't great timing but it was a good job so I wanted to have a go. After the end of March I should have a bit more time to think as work should ease up.

There will be even better jobs. Don't even think about the rejection. Move on.

To counter those perhaps not too happy there are women and men out there with children who work full and are contented with life. Perhaps we don't say much about it as we're happy but we are there (and it does get easier as children get older).

I was with 13 people for something related to work today. Most had children, all worked full time, some were from other parts of Europe. May be I just meet more people than others do who are happily in full time work with children.

Thanks Laura.

Laura have been thinking about you and it is hugely important you keep in reminding us all about the good things if this life. I admire your convictions and how comfortable you ware with yourself and your choices.

I do wonder whether part of this depends on the fact you work for yourself and so feel in control. I hate the out-of-control feeling you can get as a cog ( no matter how well paid) of a large corporation. Food for thought.

Have been meaning to recommend an excellent book I read a few years back called "Hardball for Women". IMO much more insightful and useful than Lean In. It's all about understanding the rules of business by seeing it through the lens of male vs female socialisation.

So glad I've found this thread. I'm a working mum with a 18 months old. I'm currently working full time in the city while my son goes to nursery 5 days a week. If I'm being completely honest... I wouldn't say I love my job but I do like getting paid each month.

Right now my son really enjoys nursery and I could pick him up if I leave work at 5-ish (we live in zone 2) so it's working quite well. However when I start thinking ahead, I'm not sure how to juggle between my job and spending time with my son when he goes to school in a few years time. I want to be the one who picks him up from school, rather than getting a childminder, but to do that I would have to leave work at 2.30, which I'm not sure if that's workable for my employer - I work in the city, in a male dominant team with no other working mum apart from myself. I thought about working four days when I first returned from maternity leave but when I discussed with my manager he said he's not sure how that's going to work and say would cause strain to the team... There's a few more years before my son starts school but I think I need to think ahead, and switch job if necessary (but you won't know other companies' work culture before moving...)

Anyone from here doing reduced hour? Or do high earning mums usually hire childminder to pick kids up from school? I don't want to give up my job and be a stay at home mum but at the same time I don't want to miss out the school pick-ups.

Would love to hear how you all juggle between your career and spending time with your kids! Thanks in advance!

Mac, why do you want to collect him from school every day? I've obviously done it a fair few times over the 29 years I am a mother but it really is awful dire. You don't get masses of hugs and cuddles. You see the child art its worst. You have to endure school gate chatter with nannies and others about inane topics. The child is hungry and tired and lets out all the angst of the school day on you. You worry about getting there on time and parking and get stuck in traffic coming back. It's something many parents gladly pay to avoid. Once you have 3 too (and we had 3 at three different private schools) it is even worse.

Yes we had a fully time nanny for younger ones who did school pick up. Then later we had someone who worked 3 - 6pm and did school collection dinner, bit of homework supervision or music practice supervision. Worked very well. Luckily that person could also do the school holidays which at private schools is often 18 weeks a year +.

On being happy - well I certainly like working for myself. I have always been happy however so whether I were a milkman, senior partner of Ernst & Young or whatever I suspect I would still have been happy. I do like being in charge of what I do. I like keeping all the money - the best bit of working for yourself - you earn and bill X and you keep X. You don't share it with loads of others and be handed a bit of it back. You don't even have to discuss things with partners....

Ah must read what my daughter has sent me on whatsapp..... Telegraph article about women who pay out to men on divorce (the downside of being a high earning mother of course..... although I Mrs Luckwell's only money came from her father rather than that she earned it so it's not apposite).

(...Ms Luckwell.... her ex signed 3 pre nuptials and still could overturn them. The answer is never to marry, just live together. Rent don't buy)

Hello,
Can I join ? I don't earn 100k (yet), but do pay HRT and have worked ft with 2 under 3. Echo what others have said, we have a housekeeper and dh has always pulled his weight. I have recently decided to stop coloring my hair as men don't apologize for going grey, why should I ? If you afford it a day a week of Childcare when you are not working (or a day every other week) is fantastic for continuing professional development.

Macaroons, I couldn't contemplate doing the school pick up every day - my commute means I have to leave earlier than you do now to pick up before 6pm!

You may find it's possible to negotiate leaving early one day a week - maybe do 4.5 days or else get in super early?

We do a lot of work with DS at weekends but ideally get a childminder who will do a bit of reading or do food. DS goes to bed at 8pm these days so we have a bit if homework time and a bit of downtime.

Wishi - I don't dye either!

Laura

I am so with you on the school collection- one of the less appealing tasks of parenthood.

I love working full time. I would feel out of the loop in all aspects of my life if I worked PT. I'd feel disconnected. Not easy to explain but I always felt life was richer because I felt fully engaged at work and when home I had eliminated a lot of the scut tasks involved with having a home and children so I got the better part of the deal- trips out, playing, reading & other time with them.

I'd have felt compelled to do more of my own domestic minutiae had I been at home a lot more.

Hi, Just finished reading this amazing thread (hoping all the while it would still be going, having started in Jan!) and now just feel sick having read about the Luckwell divorce. That's just awful.

Macaroons - I have a childminder that collects 4 afternoons, and I do pick up on Fridays - mind you they do football after school on Fridays so I don't collect until 4.30, but have agreement with my employer that I could collect at 3.20 if I wanted. I work from home unless I have meetings with prospects or clients, and I earn about £75k pa. It used to be more but I changed employers for more flexibility. I take the children to school every day.

(I wouldn't worry too much about the Luckwell divorce. Ms L didn't earn her own money anyway - it came from her father so it's not exactly relevant to most people. However if your parents do make over to you a lump sum to help with a property it can be wise for them to have a loan agreement so your other half cannot get his hands on it on a divorce.

The FT had an article a few years ago about high earning women who lost their children on divorce as their husbands were a home with the children and that status quo was maintained after divorce. I would not say that is a reason not to work though. Much better to be dividing money with a husband than having not a penny to divide on divorce and being plunged into poverty).

Laura, agree working is better and really admire your positivity. I still think it is awful though. Four children to provide for alone and perhaps now is not the best time to get back into a career. And the legal fees.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I guess at the moment when I pick my son up from nursery he runs to me and gives me big kisses and hugs so I thought school pick ups would be nice too by then he would be old enough to tell me how his day has been, etc! Or maybe I'm too naive!

The school we have in mind is just round the corner to where we are living so no parking or traffic jam issue. Will think about the other potential downsides you mentioned in the next few years and see if I still feel this way 3 years later.

I guess I like to spend more time with my son so at the moment don't think I'll want to "outsource" the picking up. (unlike cleaning the kitchen and toilets I'd happily outsource any time!)

I am really lucky in that I work for a really family friendly company and everyone structures their work alongside family committments. Most of the team have young children - my teenage DC are the eldest! We are about 60% female and have women on 3, 4 and five day contracts depending on what they want to do and everyone comes back from mat leave and stays. Even the men in my team who are parents regularly work from home to do school runs etc. If you want to go to sports day or watch a nativity thats fine, it is taken on trust that you will make up the hours. In the 5 years I have been there we havent lost a parent yet.

What this means is that we have a very experienced, happy and stable team, which is importyant to us as we are a specialist knowledge based business. I also think the stability and flexibility contributes to keeping our employment costs down. We rarely recruit seniors from outside and mostly hire graduates or Phds. Because we are flexible, most of our employees are really committed.

I work mostly from home and I try to do a few drop offs / pick ups a week. Mostly my DC finish between 4-9pm depending on what they are doing. I really value the time to chat to them in the car - we are rural so its a fairly easy school run and it allows me to keep in touch with whats happening at school. Often I will do the school run, cook tea and then go back to working whilst the DC do prep. I have clients in the US, China and Australia, so a 9-5 mentality wouldnt get the job done anyway.

As a lone parent, the flexibility is priceless and I get to do really interesting, highly paid work from my home office. I cannot understand why more companies dont do what we do.

Wow elastamum I think you are very lucky to have such a family friendly company. I don't why more companies don't work like that, I think many are quite short terms and 'dynamic' types who change jobs every 2 to 3 years are often valued too. I have worked in teams like that but it can be very dependent on the manager and so not permanent D.

elastamum, I'm very envious! The flexibility in my organisation is all one way - the Blackberry comes with me everywhere...

Interestingly my clients all move every 2 yrs or so. That is one of the reasons they value us, because we keep a consistent team and actually know what is going on in their markets.

I have been there five years now and everytime I start getting itchy feet they hike my salary up.

Early on I negotiated an extra 2 weeks un paid parental leave, even though I dont strictly qualify. This meant I could take the odd day here and there to cover holidays etc. This year, after I closed an important deal, they even gave me extra paid leave as a bonus, as I always end up taking more than I am entitled to. Worth every penny

Isn't elastamum's post though exactly what this is about - leaning in. If you're brilliant at what you do and aim to be the best in the UK and people flock to you and your employer worries at night you'll leave then most things are possible? If you barely turn up, grudgingly do what you're told to do, work to rule, constantly off sick and aren't much good either then they are delighted when you disappear off to be a parent at home for 5 years or are very reluctant to give you part time hours?

Actually we share the being based at home although for me it depends on the day. It certainly makes life easier. I had something I had to work on Saturday and a bit of yesterday. I attended the conference by telephone (5 hours of it !) but that was much better than being there and the only male in the meeting in London had to leave at the time we ended because he had to see to his small children (the other woman and I are a bit beyond the baby stage) so I thought was good,. Mind you his poor wife had probably been lumbered with the small children all day long on her own on a Saturday.