Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

[Tweet2tweet]

I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

It's interesting a lot of women prefix working with explanation have to
Never heard man explain had to work I wonder why women do feel need to explain?

Interesting point scottishmummy. I both have and want to work (ie, I still would even if I didn't have to financially) but agree with what you say about many women. I think it's down to what women might deem to be a socially-acceptable response rather than something heartfelt tbh.

On a separate but related point, a colleague of mine did some research with others into giving up work and financial issues that asked (one question amongst many) how many people would give up work if they won the lottery (million £ plus). 94% of women said yes, 96% of men said yes. Daily Mail got hold of the study and headlined you've guessed it with the 94% figure that affirmed their belief that really women only work because they had to. My colleague was appalled with how the research had been twisted.

< lurks >

Am back to work in May, was supposed to be 1st February but I've put it off. We had a sudden influx of cash to tide us over the non pay part of Mat leave. Dreading it, but hoping my boss won't be an arse and will agree to me doing 4 days.

Just thought i'd say that I went back to work ft when my dd was 7 mo, by choice, and she is now a wonderful, happy 19mo. I'm now the main bread winner after my dh become ill and had to take a pay and responsibility cut for health reasons. I'm now 11 weeks pregnant with my second and planning to go back to work at a similar time and dh will become a ft sahd (nursery costs here are ludicrous). I'm still one of the only mums I know who a) is working ft & b) enjoying it. It is hard work but my dd is getting a happy mummy and if I'd been a sahm I wouldn't have been. It's such an individual choice, and what works for some families just won't for others; I wish everyone well and I totally agree that there is nothing to feel guilty about. I'd imagine that the guilt is more likely to affect your family than working (or not).

I went back to work a couple of weeks before Christmas, but that was just a "warm up" really, it will kick in properly on Monday

I don't have to work financially (we could manage with DH's pay) but I like my job and I like working and tbh I really don't mind seeing a bit less of DD. (I love her to bits but am not good at spending 24/7 looking after small children!) She only sleeps 8pm till 6am (yawn) and I leave 8am and get back 7pm so I see her for 3 hours a day on work days - and when she's up in the night - and all day at the weekend. I also don't work Fridays so see her all day then. We have a fantastic nanny and I know DD is happy so no guilt.

So far so good, right? BUT (and there is always a but) I do have two problems.

One is that my job is usually a very long hours, 5+ days a week job. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it in shorter hours and 4 days. There are no role models. I expect there will be quite a lot of late evening and weekend working which is exhausting when I don't get much sleep due to Dd anyway. Less demanding jobs don't really exist in my field.

The other is that although both DH and I are working, I seem to have ended up responsible for virtually all of the house and baby related admin -morning handover to the nanny, nanny pay, arranging (minimal) social life, bloody Christmas cards and presents, buying DD clothes and kit, etc. DH and I share cooking and laundry and we have a cleaner but I can't seem to split this "wife work" with him, and it's only going to get worse when we have more DC and they are at school.

We'll see how it goes, I guess.

Hi

I have been back at work for two years now but still would love to offer my support. In many ways it does get better as you find quicker techniques for doing mundane things and learn to say no to unimportant things but the fact remains for me that it is hard to only see your child for an hour or two a day during the working week. For what it's worth he is fine, a real mummy's boy and my best friend! On the downside other things have had to give (sex life for one, seriously it's been a year!) and gym sessions aren't as regular as I'd like. It is bloody hard work but wouldn't change it. You will be fine, but you will deserve lots of big hugs on the way!

I wanted to stop by and share my experience of returning to work. Here in the US you neigotiate your maternity leave. With DD I took 6 months off and with DS I took 8 weeks off due to the timing of the pregnancy. Ironically it was easier returning to work with DS.

I follow the mantra - Don't explain don't complain. You will always come accross women who stayed home and think everyone else should too and vise versa. In your mind thank them for identifying themselves as someone you don't want in your life and move on.

When you go back to work EVERYTHING changes at home and I suggest you have an open mind about your schedule at home. You (and I mean you and your OH) need to be organized. There are some fantastic threads on MN with ideas on how to get organized. Best move I did was to make breakfast our family meal.

That's a nice idea supermum, I may steal that for when dd is older.

Reading this with interest as am planning to go back in March. Am hoping to go back part time at first as DS will only be 6 months.

Minipie - It works really well for us and I started it when DD was about 9 months old.

What field are you in? I too have long hours and have managed to figure out some ways to get work done.

Minipie, I too am worried about "wife work" issues with DH potentially arising. He is going to be a SAHD and I don't expect him to do all the chores but he just doesn't seem to even recognise that some things need doing/the fairies don't do them! For example anything to do with organising activities for DD, keeping in touch with HIS family, meal planning/cooking, sorting out our pets, birthday/Christmas gifts the list goes on really. It drives me mad now and I am not going to spend my weekends doing this and looking after DD while he gets to do his hobbies. He has decided that while at home he will be able to train for an iron man and another event here where you mountain run/ kayak/ cycle from one side of the island to the other. I'll be lucky if I get time on my own to get a shower at this rate! Not sure how to fix this, without listing everything that needs doing and dividing it- but I feel like I shouldn't have to do that.
Apologies for the rant.

City lawyer. The issues are going to be, first, whether the sheer volume of work means I end up working most evenings and weekends (manageable short term but not sustainable long term) and second, what happens when something has to be done on a Friday or in the 6 till 8pm window when I'm not really available... Any ideas welcome!!

Ah kiwi I think you have it worse than me! DH has long ago given up on any time consuming hobbies, he goes for the occasional run and that's it. It helps that for years DH has had unpredictable and long work hours so any regular hobbies were seen off by that. anyway my "rule" is that for any time I have to look after DD on my own at the weekend because DH is out doing a hobby/with friends/etc, he will have to look after DD on his own at the weekend for an equivalent period so I can go out. Can you institute this rule? It may feel a bit petty but it's only fair after all.

Hopefully once he is a SAHD he'll have to get better at the wife work tasks - at least it means he'll have to notice (surely?) if there is no food for DC, their clothes don't fit, etc. Whereas DH is blithely ignorant of all of this...

minipie I am also a lawyer, although large regional, not City. The way I cope is to leave on time but make it clear I will be available again after 8pm. It seems tough but in reality most things can wait a couple if hours. On rare occasions when I cannot physically leave then either DH has to deal with it or if I know in advance I can get my DM to come (she is 200 miles away but with notice can help).

It is impossible to be available to work like you did before DC unless you have a spouse who SAH and is totally available. This was very hard to accept and of course can cause an issue in the hours you are perceived to be doing.

As a result, I often work post-bedtime and make it clear I have done so. I am also in the office very early each morning - those pre-5am starts are good for something!!

Ultimately if I had to be at work outside my usual hours and it can't be covered some other way then DH would just have to deal with it. We both agree my job is more important (main earner) so if it came to the crunch he'd have to deal with it.

As for wife-work - no idea. I do it all and it drives me insane.

thanks Zamboni. DH is the main earner so I am doing mornings as well, and there's usually no chance he could leave early at short notice if I can't get away. most of the senior people at work have SAHPs, the whole set up seems predicated on that

you're right though that the occasions it can't wait till after 8 are limited - it's just in my old life I wouldn't have let it wait, so it feels like bad performance... going to have to let that go I guess!

I think I may have hijacked the thread a little

I would like to join please. I went back last September when DD was 8 months. She goes to nursery 3 days, is with my DM one day and with DH the final day. I supposedly have a 0.8 job (teacher) - I calculated that should get the job down to 50 hours pw or so (plus commute of 10 hours) but I do feel at times as though I've taken 20% pay cut but still have the same amount of work, as I have to work every day.

On the plus side I enjoy my job and DD has settled into childcare really well and has a ball with DM and DH on their days.

DH doing a day has helped a bit with 'wifework' as surprisingly he has taken on organising things that day and even does a few errands for me sometimes. I still feel I do more than my fair share of the planning and budgeting the rest of the time, but it's progress.

One thing we argue about is that I have to work for at least 4-6 hours at the weekend and at least 4 evenings a week (have to - can't possibly keep up with the workload otherwise). DH feels it's unfair that he doesn't get much 'hobby time' at weekends - I feel he has those four evenings that I don't get, plus he doesn't have to work at the weekend. It would really help me if he would book a regular activity with DD at the weekend so I don't have to negotiate each one individually.

Do any of you have tips on this? It is my main worry/guilt issue, as I can't do an adequate job without this weekend work, plus I am head of department and there is paperwork that must be done.

minipie I totally get it. And yes, when most other people don't have the same childcare responsibilities it can be hard. Which is why I make sure that my extra work is public. I never unnecessarily send emails to people at that time to makes a point about working at home oh no

It takes a hugs mindset change to be able to walk out on time because I need to get the DC or get home do DH can go to work. But I am much more efficient at work so this can happen. Definitely appreciably more efficient now.

What do you all consider wifework to be?only task a man can't do as dad is bf
If tasks aren't equitably shared that's not wifework,thats he pull his finger out work
The significant shift as parent us the i to we and loss of spontaneity

I am with sm and dismayed sadly by the views on the thread. Many women who work full time do it because they like it and it can be the right thing to do and it benefits their children. I suspect once everyone is back they will find it all works fine.

Ph, you could try splitting the weekend with him. We had periods where I had the children alone on Saturday and he had them on Sundays then we could work or do what we wanted or do domestic stuff without the children. Most couples sort it out reasonably fairly.

Also works well if you can alternate who has to rush home from work first.

I've never felt guilty,nursery booked 12wk pg.i was desperate to return
Biggest change was lack spontaneity,couldn't just go shopping after work
But both need to accommodate the change,wifework is a crap construct to explain how more work,stress laddled onto women

If you're doing work and then so called wifework,you're needing to have a serious cards on table as a couple

I'm uncomfortable with the term,uncomfortable with the ohh men,and us women do the wifework - stop being a doormat,don't do wifework

Minipie, if you and dh work long unpredictable hours, the best childcare option is a live-in nanny, if you don't live near family who can help out.

In respect to wife work, yes DH and I need to have a frank discussion and I'm sure we will navigate things ourselves in time. Life and our relationship will continue to change and evolve over time. We haven't got the balance right at the moment but I have faith that we will get there. I was expressing a concern I have, as I thought other posters may have experienced something similar and have some tips and also in part because in verbalising my fears helps me to decide if I am being unreasonable or not.
I also find the judgement about being dismayed re some of the views in this thread about being concerned/ anxious about going back to work not particularly helpful. I have a challenging and interesting job that for the most part I love to do. That doesn't mean to say that I am not nervous about how returning to work will impact my relationship with my DD (and also my DH) and I know that I will find the transition period difficult.
Anyway.... We tried giving DD another bottle yesterday and she drank 30ml so things are improving and DH is less worried about DD starving herself when I will be back at work.

We do split the weekend Laura. I would just like some acknowledgement on DH's part that the time needs to be actively split, as at the moment he seems to feel I'm not pulling my weight at the weekends. I don't think he realised pre-baby that his weekends/leisure time would be impacted to the extent that they are. I think on the whole women are more aware that this will happen.

It was not an issue before I went back to work. Up till then we were able to split everything quite amicably.

My DH and I have just sat together to figure out our morning routines, e.g. 6:30 I'm in the shower so you are getting DS up, then I will get DD up while DS is having breakfast and you go in the shower.
We've done a little timeline for each of the 4 of us until we leave the house.
As my hours vary, so does childcare and who is dropping DS off at school. We've ended up needing 4 different routines over a fortnight.
I'm not going to know whether I'm coming or going in the mornings for a while.

Kiki, I hear what you are saying. I found it was quite easy to plan so DD was not affected too much by the transition (for one thing the nursery had a very sensible transition policy - 1, then 2, then 3 hours for several weeks before she started full days) but my relationship with my DH has suffered because we are like ships that pass in the night a lot of the time.

Trivial things like my MIL complaining that she hasn't had baby photos for ages upset me -- it was no trouble to do that sort of thing before I went back to work but I can't prioritise it now. Getting DH to do things like that (wifework I suppose) takes longer than doing it myself!