Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

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I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

you can buy the eye drops Chloramphenicol over the counter,stock up a good med kit for baby at home
My nursery didn't exclude,but did require you supply eye drops
I think be transparent,open with work,if you have limited support tell your work this

I didnt know that, why have the GPS never said, strange! Wonder If they would,be free under the minor ailments scheme?

Watching this post as I'm back at work in May and have the fear - absolutely dreading going back but it's less about being apart from DD2 and more that I don't like my job!!

Speaking of Betty Friedan an American Jlist wrote a book called a The Feminine Mistake - a take on the title of Friedan's famous book. Apparently it's about the importance of women continuing to work and have an income/financial independence after having kids. Lots of anecdotes about women leaving the workforce for 5 years then finding it impossible to pick up where they left off. Anyway it's meant to be a good read-- must find some time from newborn to check it out.

Yes, Chloramphenicol free and eligible under minor ailment scheme

Can I tag on for some support please??! As it's now January I am now on a 3 week on Monday countdown to the dreaded return to work and feel sick to the stomach about it! Baby is 7 months but also have a 3yr old and feel just as awful at leaving the eldest as the baby. Will have to go back full time, was ft after eldest too and life just seemed like a constant juggling act I just cannot imagine how I'm going to cope getting 2 chd ready and out in the morning. Have enjoyed mat leave so much feel have bonded so much with eldest during my time off and life with 2, house to look after, nursery runs and helping out with self employed DH's paperwork is busy and fulfilling...however financially we cannot afford me not to work so I just need to get over it :-( think it is even worse going back 2nd time too as after the 1st I knew it would really only be matter of time before I'd sprog out again! Wouldn't mind so much if I was a big earner but not really so feel like we are losing out on all angles...

Freidan is classic read,and yes lead to others to explore phenomena further
never experienced guilt,but I've met many precious moments mamas who expected
I think a lot of tight planning and sharing with partner,anticipate crises think through your what if plan

I am so in admiration of all of you: either a SAHM or a back-to-worker.

I am 68 years old and a grandmother. I went back to work in February 1980 (4 days a week because I was doing a BTEC in Business Studies on one day). My three children were 21 months, just under three and 4.5 years. I needed to work although I really, really did not want to. I had to work because our mortgage had gone up from 10% to 17% in one year (under the then Labour government in 1978– so it really does not matter which party you vote for!!!!!!).

When I went back to work 4 days a week, all my salary went to child care: a lovely lady who came 5 days a week to look after my three little ones. She worked for us for ten years – and was brilliant – but she could not be employed now because she did not have the so-called qualifications she is supposed to have these days. I do so worry for you all about the cost of child care – and the sometimes spurious tick box qualifications they seem to have.

I started in my company as a lowly tea-maker – and went on to be a director of the company. I worked 24/7 - 365 days a year. I only did it because my DH had a very low income and high aspirations (he came from a relatively well-off family – I came from a family with nothing).

I would not do this again. I loved being at home with my children, buying stuff in charity shops and jumble sales, making stuff with them, preparing food at the weekend so we could all eat family meals at 7.00pm etc etc. Yes, I reached the heights of my profession – but at great cost to my personal well-being and involvement with my children as they progressed through life.

To make you working mums feel better, my children (the oldest is 40+) do not feel they were neglected (DH was a very laid back dad too, when he was at home and not playing golf, fishing or watching TV cricket or rugby – and let them do whatever they wanted to do!!), But I was exhausted most of the time and wish I had not had to work.

I wish I had been there when they came back from school so that I would have known first-hand how much they had enjoyed the day, been bullied (two of them were – one severely as I later learned), helped them to settle to homework, welcomed their friends home with tea and sympathy etc etc.

However, you all have such difficult choices – my beautiful daughter is expecting her first baby in April/May. There is absolutely no way she can afford not to work. I really fear for her and her lovely husband. They are both on low salaries and we do not live locally so we cannot offer child care on a long-term basis. And the option of making do, as I did, for a few months/years with my babies is not open to them.

This is not a war between SAHMs and working mums – these days, working for most new mums is an absolute necessity.

I love you all – and, as I was told by a lovely, wise relative in 1973, just relax, enjoy your baby, it will all go too fast – and your ways will be his/her ways. I found that very comforting when confronted with all the conflicting guru baby advice!

I go back in 3 weeks ft into 4 days. I'm grateful for the 5th day off but because of my situation (cannot afford not to work and my profession does not have pt options) it's a 100 mile round trip to work

This means me and ds, 7 months, have to be out of the house at 5.30 in the morning and I won't be back until gone 6 ?? by which point he'll be on the wind down for bed. Where's my time with him?!

I really don't want to take anything away from anyone but as someone who is going back ft I really do get peeved with pt people comparing. It's not the same, I would give my right arm to have the option to go back pt and claw back as many precious hours with ds as I can.

I'm so anxious at how I'm going to cope, ds isn't sleeping through after a spate of illnesses and dh works away during the week. I'm exhausted now so how am I going to be then?!!!

BUT my main cause for concern is the grief of the loss of time with my little legs.

Wah wah wah. Excuse me whilst I go have a pity party...

Hey,interesting post.you need to mentor us,to get some vavavoom.given your career climb
No it's not a war,but there plenty distractiom and noise.and I do think working mums need to fight their corner against the face the tsks etc
Really,you must hang about elaborate more on all stuff you've done. I agree no harm to kids if mum worked.both my parents did.i was 1st in family to go to uni,which for me was a big deal

It is so hard you really feel like you should have it all and want to do it all, I'm from a working class family but high achiever throughout education, first to go to uni etc so always felt pressure to "do well for myself" although career (so far) never really taken off in a massive way, deep down for the next few years at least all I want to do is be a mommy-clean, play, read, teach and be there for my precious babies as I'm so aware that they grow so fast and you cannot rewind the clock...part time work of maybe 3 days would seem a nice balance but full time especially when there is part of me that feels the need to make career progression just feels like a massive sacrifice to family life, I guess nobody ever said it was easy being a mother...

Biggest myth we ever got sold was have it all.no one has it all.its all compromise
But then we saddle ourselves with guilt,take shite from other women.no man ever gave me the face or precious moments speech
Housewife is a post- war construct,most women didn't have opportunity or finances to not work.certainly in my family the women work,that's my observed experience
At uni I met folks who's mothers were housewives,and this did shape their expectation of marrying well,with expectation prosperous husband be the earner

Hello scottish mummy, fluffylox and grizzly growler - don't know where you all live - I am in Spain at the moment( and not sure what order all your responses came in).

I am not political, not PC, not women's lib (in the strident variety - but hav led the charge in the past and am sad that things are still not right in terms of equality - but not sure how they ever can be - back to OP!!!!!!!)

But, in rsponse to OP:

"Tweet2tweet Sun 29-Dec-13 21:52:01
I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?"

I just want to say, I am here when needed and will happily expand on my limited (very old!!!) experience. But my experience is mine - and yours will be different.

As an ex-working granny (with two beautiful grandchildren in Singapore) and my lovely daughter's baby due in UK April/May I just wanted to say that you will all make your way well with your beautiful children.

Happy 2014 and I am particularly thinking of you lovely mums on your journey back to work. You will survive!!!

I am preggers with third and will return to work ft as I did with my now 6 year old and 14 year old. Although it is out of having to due to being main bread winner it is also a balance I like. My children have excellent work ethic and they are both very sociable and confident which I feel was strongly developed through full time child care early on!
There is no perfect formula re working/staying at home and I have friends that feel guilty for not working and others that have the working mother guilt!
Good luck with getting back into the swing of things!! X

I think it might make me mental, stood round the water cooler doing peek a boo for a cheap laugh, shhing clients and stroking their face to sooth them

How the fuckety fuck do I talk to/interact with peers again?

Compartmentalise,those skills still there just been dormant on mat leave
As I see it Snap back into work mode,work demeanour in work.lose the mumsy anxiety,
don't gang on about kids,guilt,juggling and how tired/guilty one is.its boring

Then get home,out work clothes snap back to being mum

Marking my spot, I go back in February. For 32 hours as opposed to my usual 60. I'm ignoring it for now and trying to make the most of this month .

Dear grizzlygrowler

Yes, that will be my daughter's schedule too (but she will be doing it 5 days a week full time).

I don't know what to say - except that, when he comes home you can have your (limited) really precious time with him.... and weekends will be amazing. Very soon, too, he will be able to extend his time with you to (say) 8.00pm before he goes to bed. So long as he has good day time care he will always love you and know you are his mum. You have spent 6/7 months with him 24/7 - he loves you, knows you and will adapt to whatver comes next because you have been with him. Remember my lovely relative's saying: "your ways will be his ways".

Please, please, please don't beat yourself up... and DON'T LISTEN to any of the part-timers, SAHMs.... you are doing your best and he will always love you,

Also, I hesitate to say this...... make sure you keep him awake (and feeding)as much as you can during the day in the few weeks before you return to work... in my experience, that means he will sleep longer at night.

Apologies if you already know this - but if he's sleeping a good 6 hours during the day and, most importantly, having most of his food during the day he should be ready to sleep well at night! He needs at least 12/16hours sleep a day: make sure he gets most of them at night!!!!!!

Before I went back to work with my three (different schedules with each of them), I basically breast-fed them on demand from day one DURING THE DAY so they were really full when I put them down at 10.00pm-ish and then, from birth they all gradually cut out the 1.00am-ish feed,

So, they were sleeping basically from 10..00pm to 6.00am (one of mine managed this from 7.00pm to 6.00am at 7 weeks,,,, the other two took a lot longer!!). You will just need to make sure that the day care people keep him awake (and wake him to feed) during the day.

This worked for me 36/40 years ago with my three - so hope it might work for you!!!! Oh -and, by the way,the longest I managed to breast feed was 4 months.... it was not easy (and, certainly, in 1973 when I went back to work when my son was 5 months old there were no concessions with employers!!!!)

"BUT my main cause for concern is the grief of the loss of time with my little legs" Oh, how I understand this - my first day back at work (but it was only part-time) in November 1973 (he was five months old) is emblazoned on my heart for ever. But you have their whole amazing future ahead of you - enjoy it (and be prepared to be really p*ed off when he is 14 and unable to rouse himself from the pit before 2.00pm on Saturday!!)

Love you, hugs... just keep going - whatever you are doing is just fine! And good luck with your return to work.

Hi

I'm went back PT after a couple of weeks with my first work trip with out him at 3months. Tbh I enjoyed it i think it will be harder when he is older and minds me going away. I'm actually looking forward to being back a bit more and being able to go out to work and do my hours without trying to also look after the baby. I figure you could miss their first word, step ect popping out to the shops so its not a reason to feel guilty about working.

We are lucky though as one of us will be off for the first year so we can share the sahp role and not use a nursery until he is almost one. Also this is pretty standard over here (non UK) and most babies go to nursery betweeen 1 and 2 and there is no 'mum should stay home' attitude the child is the responsibiltiy of both parents, and normally you both work and juggle the holidays/evenings etc.

I really feel sorry for those of you in the UK it seems so old fashioned/idealistic in comparison.

(We had DS sat on the edge of the field at 4 weeks while we picked our veg for a few hours, I think that is much more the old faishined way really.)

My children are teens now, but I went back to work when ds was 6 months and then again when dd was 3 months (had started a new job and didn't have extended maternity leave). It was hard work but really OK. Much helped by the huge luxury of having a nanny, and then when they went to nursery of having happened to have bought a flat opposite a good nursery.

Like scottishmummy says it helps to think of all the dads who go back to work with no-one making any comments about the quality of their fathering. Remember that the important first is when you first see /experience something, and that even if you were at home you might well miss the first smile etc (and the second, third, forth, fifth etc are just as wonderful in any case).

The key to surviving the stress of it all is to be as organised as possible and not to worry to much about things being optimal. Muddling through is just fine too! Someone worried about bonding earlier, so I just thought I'd say that although I left dd earlier than ds we have a very close relationship (mostly because she is really very lovely!) much closer in fact than my relationship with my own mother, who was a dedicated SAHM. I think that it's mostly about the quality of the relationship, and when you are not home as much perhaps it's easier to prioritise? Or it may be totally about personality, and nothing to do with when you go back to work.

I am sahm. A happy one. But I just read lean in by Sheryl Sandburg.....I think if I had chosen to return to work, a book like that would have got me in a good mindset. It is honest about the costs...of both returning to career and sahm...but positive.

i'll join. Ive already got one 3 year old who has been in nursery since she was 8 months and I'm going back off mat leave in march so ds will be going to nursery too. My job is an odd one so I can volunteer for part time hours if I want (and if I could afford it) but since there's no real way of enforcing this, I'd be largely just volunteering for a pay cut without any way to be sure of less work, iykwim.

To be honest I'm more upset that Im missing with time with dd than with ds. DS is 6 months old, a shouty, whingy bog standard baby and to be honest I'm looking forward to a break, but DD is a lovely intelligent lively 3 year old with her own opinions and is great fun to be around.Babies are mostly boring, but I do feel i'm missing out now with DD. I wish that you could chose when to take maternity leave. If so I'd have been back to work around about the time the bleeding stopped, looking forward to spending time with him when he's more fun

I'm really enjoying reading all these posts, esp from mums who are now grandmothers and have some great advice. I'd also like to read 'The feminine mistake' book mentioned - sounds fascinating.
eagle, yes I was (and still am, cheerleader only) in 40+ mn thread, but the ttc one. I had my first dc at 31, and my last 2 at 41 and 43.

You know I was thinking of this thread when I woke in he night for dc6's feed (he actually didn't wake - first night of sleeping through, yah!!) and I can honestly say guilt isn't something I actually think I experienced when returning to work with any of them - anxiety initially, worries about whether nursery would be able to follow my 'routine', concerns about the train not getting back in time for pick-up etc etc, a few pangs of sadness and a teary 5 mins on first day, but never actual guilt. I suppose I see guilt an implying I've done something wrong, being guilty of something, which I don't think I have been .
The sickness thing is a worry, though from my experience it really helps to sort out which of you is going to cover when the sickness happens. Make sure nursery/childminder know too who to ring first - personal gripe is that they always ring me though it takes me 2.5hrs to get back from work (don't ask) and 20 mins for dh .
I really hope this thread keeps going and builds as we all start back, and that new joiners can feel supported. In an ideal world of course we wouldn't need this thread at all, but until that magical day it'll be a great resource

Thank you to all the latest posts. I'm so happy that the thread has returned to being about support and empathy.

It is so kind that some of the grandmas have contributed. Wisdom and experience are such tremendous things so a big thank you for sharing. I know I may post in future for more advice from you!

If it is helpful to anyone I came up with the following strategy after my first and hope to continue when return to work after second. I can't afford a cleaner, though would love one so the following plan is way I manage to do as much as possible so weekends are just for family, though my DH has to work evenings and weekends too:

Food:
Do online shop at work during lunch break. Have a saved shopping list so just revisit basket to update or add any changes, takes about 15 mins usually.
Have a 14 day meal planner. This can be rotated to make it a bit more exciting and have a mixture of homemade meals which work for two days and some semi prepared meals such as pasta with pasta sauce. My planner consists of:
Veg chilli
Veg lasagne
Quiche and potatoes, veg and salad
Veg haggis with carrots and potatoes
Sausages and mash
Gnocchi bake with salad
Thai Laska
Pizza (Saturday night is pizza night, family tradition!)
Fish with veg and chips
Veg spag Bol

We are mainly vegetarian household but most of the above can include meat.

Cleaning:
DH cleans bathroom and does hoovering
Mon evening sort out any paperwork bills, birthday cards etc
Tues evening clean kitchen
Wed evening put wash on timer for hanging out in morning before work, repeat on Thur and fri
Thu evening change bedding, towels etc
Fri evening dusting
I tend to spend no more than 45 mins on each of the above tasks so that I can have a cup of tea and tv/book before bed

Coping with tiredness:
I take Sprirulina supplements, avoid caffeine and try to reduce sugar intake. I try to make sure I do some exercise each day, mostly just walking but out in the air.
I go to bed by about 9.30, to cope with the daily 5am starts. Any chance I get for a rest I take!

For all of you due back this month, sending lost of love and hugs. Post on here once you're back if you need a boost, the first few weeks are the hardest.

I will reiterate this is not a war between FT and SAHMs. However I must say for all those mums who are forced to go back to work full time, there are probably a similar amount who are forced out of the workplace as it was just not cost effective to go back to work. I am working from home with very flexible hours now and am very very lucky. However, I was forced out of the workplace as covering the cost of childcare, plus commuting to London meant I cleared £40 a month if I was lucky. This was not a choice, suitable jobs that paid enough to cover costs locally were practically non existent and so reluctantly I stayed at home for three years. Yes I got to see my children every day, all day, but at the risk of sounding awful, this was not a choice. I felt guilty for not working, and for the example I was setting by being economically dependant on my DH. The pressure of this set up on our relationship has been immense.

Lastly, I would like to reiterate what was said about children in childcare, when I was working, I thought the benefits to my children of being in childcare far outweighed any negatives. Children are very adaptable, they do not know what the social norms are, and will adjust to the arrangements put in place for their care, so feelings if guilty for what it might do to them are natural, but not really necessary. Best of luck to all of you that are going to start work soon.

Just wanted to add support to all of you. DS is now 3 1/2 and I've been back at work since he was 7 months full time. I work in massively stressful job/long commute- DS has been in nursery part time and with SAHD rest of time.
I would say it gets easier over time. Things that help - ensure that you are happy with the childcare- I loved DSs nursery (it took him ages to settle though as he went too little so it was always new which was massively stressful on both of us)-it also suited me location wise as it was in my office which reduced the time pressure. Have a schedule that suits you- DS has always gone to bed late (900) which was hard work but meant that I got to see him and do bedtimes (tiring but worth it for me), I also work from home one day a week. Don't sweat the household chores- we have a cleaner, i don't iron I shop on line.
Learn when you are doing too much- DS was breastfed but in the early days i was expressing during the day which was draining in everyway.

It was difficult I did (do still tbh) resent that DP has it so easy and doesn't appreciate it - i have spent years tired and feel that I have compromised both at work and at home - and it is hard to find any me time. I do have to travel with work- i delayed as long as I could and the first long trip I took DS with me- I now just spoil him while I'm away.

Is it worth it? well I have a very well-paid/aspirational job and a DS who is a total mummy's boy - and given i had no choice thats the best I could hope for!