Other mums returning to work full time- want to support each other?

[Tweet2tweet]

I just wondered if there are any other mums returning to work full time in the next few months who want to start a support thread? I am and I'm feeling really anxious. I'm also fed up at the shocked looks I get when I say I'm going back full time. It's not a choice but a necessity.

So anyone want to join and we can talk about how we are feeling and give some virtual hugs when needed?

[scottishmummy]

Good you feel you can bth have that discussion about task allocation
Mummy guilt yes I do think it needs a discussion,it's not a given,but it's expected
I had conversations folk started with you must be dreading return etc. why? must I be,but not my partner?
why is the assumption one will feel guilt,or need to.Explain return to wrk
Mummy guilt is all over this(and numerous other threads).im not saying don't have it,I'm asking why,and exploring the social inequality of no one ever rolls eyes when man goes back to work

As I said no man ever commented,rolled eyes or gave me the precious moment speech,only women

If one feels guilty,I'd say explore it.the emotional,social and cultural expectations of motherhood.but no woman needs to wear it like a yoke

[kiwikaterpillar]

Scottish mummy, I do think you have valid points re guilt and societal expectations. My DH has had mixed reactions from friends and family when he announced he was going to become a SAHP and finish studying/retraining in a different field. I think most people had assumed we would get a nanny and although most of our friends have been supportive the older generation have not been backwards in coming forwards around their views and the odd personal attack towards me. Indeed it seems that other women have been the least open to/supportive of our plans which is a shame and I hate to admit this, but I can't help but get a little upset by their comments (I am ashamed that I let them impact me, but that is the truth of the matter).
I also know that many of my (male) colleagues will let their delightful views on " a woman's place" be known upon my return. It will be hard to not lamp them!

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

I am so glad to have found this thread!!

I'm going back in March, will probably be ft but working a 9 day fortnight. Wanted to go pt but turned down and I'm gutted (company have done everything by the book but it's a completely emphatic no apparently)

Basically it means I'll have to look for something new and closer to home, because I can't see how I will manage this without being exhausted. DH is very supportive but he can only do so much!

I am very cautiously optimistic that I may have the right skills to transfer into something closer to home with better hours. But basically it will be some months of exhausted hell until I've worked off the maternity benefits and don't have to pay anything back, and then I'll leave. Not what I wanted at all- I have a job I love, if only I could do it for 4 days a week. :(

[Ilanthe]

I love my job and I'm pleased to be going back but I am nervous about it. Less so the childcare thing - done that once, DS1 loves nursery. Rather, I feel out of the loop with work - lots of legislative changes in 2013 and all the reading in the world is no substitute for working through them. I also have the probably unwarranted, but still nagging feeling my maternity cover was bound to be better than me.

I'm sure by March it will all be working smoothly. No issues with wifework, now we have a cleaner that's split pretty evenly. I'm happy to run errands as I work in a town centre as opposed to the middle of nowhere like DH but he has to ask me, MILs birthday card won't magically turn up.

[scottishmummy]

Hell don't be ashamed of getting emotional,it's human it's how we are wired
I suppose you need to perfect neutral face whilst thinking oh spdounf bog off
Also it's not your responsibility to explain to others.so Long as you and dp are tight

[Ratbagcatbag]

I'm back ful time amd have been since sept when dd was6months old.

One mega thing helped me, a timer on the bottle steriliser, set for around 5am, so when I get up bottles are ready sterilised for childminder. :)

Prep everything the night before, get a cleaner if possible, share chores with other half.

[scottishmummy]

Prep,prep,and prep more.clothes. For week. You and baby
Food prepared in advance,online. Shop
Treats for getting through week,takeaway once week
Buy a stock of neutral birthday cards, some neutral kids presses in sale. For the last minute stuff. Buy wrapping paper happy birthday,Sellotape,some neutral adult stuff. If you get duplicate pressies keep and regift

[Theonlyoneiknow]

I take bizarre pleasure in laying out all their clothes for the working week on a Sunday night.

[scottishmummy]

Lay out mine,and kids clothes for week.it v satisfying
Pack all bag sect in advance,big humungus board for invites,etc
Well stocked med kit for us,girl weans

[IceNoSlice]

Theonly out of interest, where do you lay the clothes out? I can lay out one outfit (ie the next day) for me, and I kind of order my wardrobe into days but I have no space to lay out 5 days of clothes...

scottish some good points about guilt, thank you. I also don't feel guilty for enjoying my work and for other people caring for DS especially as he obviously enjoys nursery. A few pp have made a bit of a point about how the have to work ft and have no choice. As though, given a choice, they would not choose ft work. There is an implicit message in this that choosing ft is therefore bad, bad, bad. Why? Can't we support each other as ft working mothers without it being divided into those who have to and those who want to? It is still bloody difficult to keep all the balls in the air.

minipie you mention that you won't be at work on Fridays - and ask for views on what to do about situations where work must be done on a Friday. I'm not a lawyer but similar (big 4 accountant) and IME, it is easier to work a 4 day week by taking a midweek day off. Often deadlines seem to be set for 'the end of the week'. Fine if you only have your own work to organise but harder when you have juniors or external inputs to your work. But if you can't get something done on a Tuesday or Wednesday it can usually wait until the next day IYSWIM.

[Theonlyoneiknow]

I made,my own monthly planner chalkboard today for the kitchen wall. Have space at,the side for the weekly meals so I know what we are having ahead of time, then squares for each day and space at the bottom for reminders. This will be the year I make time for me too to do exercise and some if the hobbies I used to do pre DC. Not sure how I will fit it in but am determined! Running helps clear my brain !

[Theonlyoneiknow]

icenoslice, I just lay the DCs clothes out on the floor, usually in a neat pile so each day is on top of the other.

[scottishmummy]

I note on here posters have made the have work explanation as opposed to simply I work
As if the act,of working without needing to work,is indicative of bad Mutha
That's the thing,why need to prefix. It at all

[IceNoSlice]

Re wifework, we call this "house management". In some ways one person needs to be in charge to make sure tasks get done - ie I am in charge of meal planning, grocery ordering, household accounts, DS's stuff (eg car seats) and birthday cards/presents. But you can split tasks - DH deals with insurance renewals, utilities, cars, DIY/maintenance etc. We split cooking and have a cleaner. It works for us and neither feels under appreciated.

[scottishmummy]

Clothes,on hangers with underwear,accessories.and pack bag night before
Dp sends his shirts to be laundered

[scottishmummy]

I agree on term house management,tasks aren't women's or wife's wrk
There's an aspect of inadvertent martyr in wifework,not to mention stereotyping

[DIddled]

Thought I would throw in my experience as an 'oldie'. I returned to work when my son was 5 months old in 1998. Full time in a new job and my husband (police officer) started plain clothes training at the same time with all sorts of bizarre shifts. Lucky in that I paid my sister to mind for me as she was off with her own anyway, she was brilliant. He went into nursery when she has her second baby. Meant a long drive at start and end of day though- she lived a way away.

So, we were a family who were always up and out early, time pushed etc. At times it was hellish and when he started school I used to be very jealous of the part time or stay at home mums ( I was one of very few full time workers in reception year ). Had a fantastic child minder though- from reception to year 6.

Fast forward 15 years, I have a well mannered articulate son who is in a grammar school requiring a long journey, which he is happy to make. All those years of having to be organised and up and out have made him very resilient and self sufficient. Indeed I believe that seeing us work hard has instilled a similar ethic in him. He doesn't seem emotionally scarred (crosses her fingers he doesn't go off the rails later :) )

I'd have loved part time to be honest, but it simply wasn't an option as I had to work round DH shift pattern. But it can work. Good luck to you all- and Happy New Year.

[Grizzlygrowler]

I'm not implying that going back ft is 'bad'. I'm saying that I don't feel ready to return to work yet but out of necessity have to and do not have the option not to or to work pt. Obviously, from a mental pov, there's a massive difference between someone choosing to go back ft and those who have no option. Yes the practicalities may not differ all that much but where you're mentally prepared it makes huge difference. Each to their own, I'm jealous of those that are wanting to and are ready to go back in themselves.

[working9while5]

Remember there are people on the other side too. I wish I could work more than I do but financially it's not viable due to childcare costs.

When I went back after ds1, yeah, I didn't mind the reduced hours initially, it eased the transition.. and after a few months I could pick it back up to 4 days and I did.. but it just turned out that the cost of commuting really hit us hard, and when I had ds2 there simply wasn't the same option as dh was refused flexible working. He tried to look for another job, so did I but there was just no employment opps and there hasn't been since.

I don't find it easy being at home 3 days without dh. It's work too, fuck all this "precious moment mama" business. I don't mind singing "The Wheels on the Bus" and I do enjoy and indeed value some of it.. but 7.30 to 6.30 each day? Not so much so. I would be much happier to have shorter working days 5 days a week, or any manner of other permutations and combinations.

In terms of the broader discussion about mummy guilt and all that, I don't think there's any need to do down the decisions or situations of any other woman as in reality it tends to be complicated. Dh would have loved to do a 4 day/4 day week and we could have financially managed two in childcare during these years with only 3 to shell out for.. but society doesn't tend to support men's decisions where it is anti-status quo and there are all manner of barriers to equal childcare arrangements for the majority of couples. He earns more than me... again reflecting societal imbalances etc (I have higher educational qualifications) that make me the more likely to reduce hours blan blah.
I support any woman's decision but let's not have it that women working full time are soldiering against the patriarchy while women who sah are propping it up. Patriarchal biases and injustices are there no matter what you choose - only a very few "lucky" women don't somehow feel the effects of reduced opportunities in one way or another in a way that just doesn't affect men, who just blithely carry on in the main without giving it much thought.

[ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces]

Can I join? I go back to work in just under 4 months and am feeling apprehensive about it.

I've worked hard to get where I am and am the main wage earner - I can't do my job part time so have to go back full time. I've no problem working, but really don't want to be so far from my baby. I have a reasonably high pressure role and don't want to get sucked into 70 hour weeks again.

Help

[TheABC]

Thankyou,icenoslice. Will put my thinking cap on as I will be seeing them in a few weeks time.

[scottishmummy]

Reading the thread 9whilst5 it positively aches with the looks,the precious moments speech, the disapproval of working mothers have experienced

You know what i didn't invent the precious moments crew I met them numerous guises over the years,they did the head tilt,the precious moments speech. Came online,hey they inhabit the web too

Why do you think people here got the face,are referring to the comments.the tsk. Can you see the disapproval posters are talking about. So you know what it's got everything to do with attitudinal,behavioural disapproval of women's choices as manifest in the precious moments, if it was not there mothers wouldn't need support

And I was bored bro majority mat leave,bored of singing wheels on bus

[kiwikaterpillar]

Just getting back in track again, hope Monday goes well for those posters are returning back to work, I think there are a couple of you. Will be me in a months time so looking forward to hearing how it goes and for any tips!

[Pitmountainpony]

My neighbour is a sahd...two under 21 months.
His wife had the big wage so it made sense for him to stay home.
It,s funny as when we get together for play dates, I get a real insight into how it is being a man, at home all day...he finds it hard to clean the house..baby is only. 5 months, but manages dinner most nights.....but his wife seems to expect the lie ins at the weekend as if her work is more hard....and she is so strict about what he spends. Checks receipts....for coffees or sodas....anyway I learn a lot watching him...he is so laid back.....does DIY as soon as one kid sleeps whilst the baby is in the chair....let's them cry longer than I would and jokes he wouldn't want his wife to see him doing that....but who knows maybe it will make them resilient...but the men in his life, his dad and f i l really cannot comprehend how a man can be the stay at home parent.
But he is actually very good at it. I do reflect that in his case his wife is tougher on him than any husband would get away with...so maybe she does not totally appreciate what hard work a 21 month and 5 month are day in day out ...it is an interesting gender role reversal to observe.

[Pitmountainpony]

My point is that if staying home to look after your kids makes you miserable, or your work makes you so much more content than being a stay home parent, then as long as you get good child care, it may well be the best course of action for someone to work.
I do feel sorry for people who want to stay home, but can't and maybe those are the ones uncomfortable about returning to work.
But honestly it is a full time job looking after more than one child, so if you are working and someone else is looking after your child...children, then in theory it should not be too much more work....as your child is messing up someone else,s house, creating washing up for them not you....so in a way, the work is the work, you just get paid for the paid work....so maybe helpful to think of fit that way.
I as a sahm get sick of the odd person, who inevitably returned to work the self, asking when I will return to work.
Erm I am working...and if I return to work I have to pay someone else for the work of raising my children, which is what I would rather do than teach other people,s children and work crazy hours. The point is mums need to stay healthy and sane to be good parents and I do think that some are more suited to returning to work, than full time at home motherhood which is equally hard as most hard jobs, in my experience.