Is there anyone who'd like to share the trials and tribulations of working full-time?

[Ladylay]

I love perusing MN in my lunch-hour . But there dont seem to be any threads for those of us who are in full-time work whilst bringing up a family.

Whilst I share a load of the same concerns as SAHM's and part-time workers, I also have different stuff to deal with, like just trying to get everyone out the bloody house in the morning on time!! ahem. And wondered if anyone fancied comparing notes, advice etc?

No matter what you end up wearing you always end up swishing around with a badge of banana/unexplained mush where you least expect it!

I haven't read all post but would like to add mine. Before having DS2, I worked FT, DH worked FT, DS1 (then 1.5yo to 2.7yo) went FT to a childminder. Surprisingly, I found it incredibly easy. DH would dress and give breakfast to DS1 in the morning, one of us would take him to childminder before work, and one of us would collect after work (and childminder was even a bit out of our way from home-train station). I would be home around 6pm, sometimes passing local supermarket to get things for dinner. Then it would take about until 6:30-7pm to cook dinner for us (and we don't buy take away or ready made meals), we would have dinner, then I would have my time with DS1 playing, getting ready for bed, story time, and he would be in bed by 8:00-8:30pm. Then I would quickly do the laundry, washing up etc, go to shower around 9:00pm and then have my relax time in bed with TV until 10pm.
We would do major clean on Saturdays, takes both of us half of day.
Admittedly, DH does some cooking, ironing and washin for himself, that makes things easier. He also stayed with DS1 some evenings, when I would go shopping or stealing some time for myself. (now I realise how good DH I have).

Now that DS1 is 3yo, DS2 is 5 months, and I am due to return FT in 4 months time, I am starting to dread that time. Firstly, childcare costs are unbearably high, am not sure whether we can afford with our both FT salaries. Secondly, combination of DS1 going to preschool, then childminder/nursery, DS2 possibly to a different childminder/nursery, omg, so difficult logistically. And we can't afford nanny. I am nagging DH to do part time. But I am sure we will manage somehow.

confusedperson am v sympathetic, but you will manage so try to stop worrying and enjoy the rest of your ML! Your childcare will be cheaper the older DS1 gets so though it will be tough to start, you should keep in mind that it will get easier again at some point.

I think the juggling of everything is something you just get accustomed to, this is the first year my DH will be back at work 4 days a week and the logistics of different GPs having DSs for different weeks and getting them backwards and forwards and seeing something of them ourselves has been interesting to work out to say the least. Am thinking next year when DS2 is 4 of shelling out for holiday camps a bit closer to home so at least we get to see a bit more of them...

sorry meant to include I am talking about summer holiday logistics...

confusedperson - I was also worried about going back after #2, but it hasn't been that bad. If anything, it's been easier as it's forced us to be super organised. What's helped is that both go to the same childminder 2 days a week, and she gives them both tea. (The rest of the time I take DD1 to nursery and DH takes DD2 to the childminder.) DD2 hasn't been ill anywhere near as much as DD1 was when she started childcare. However, the cost of childcare hurts!!! We're just trying to keep our heads above water until August 2012, when DD1 goes to school.

hi all, was hoping to revive this thread again, have been reading with interest, it is good to see others in the same situation. i am back to my 50-60 hour pw job next week after 6 months with lovely DD1 who has been co-sleeping, breastfed on demand etc, what a change it will be for her and for me!

I am in tears already as only now I realise that 10 hours for her five days a week in a nursery is quite a lot at six months, especially as she is a baby who likes to relax and sleep a lot, she's quite irritable and doesn't settle easily, had very bad colic the first four months but with lots of care and hugging she became a very smiley happy baby. Now her life will change a lot.

what can you do, I am determined to work, on the short term it would be nicer for her to hang out with me, but in the long term I think it will be good for her to have a working mother with a career so she can have ambitions and feel like she can do something special in life.

let's see how it goes, just wanted to say hi, it's good to see others who have been through it all. at least we all have lots of bank holidays to enjoy this month and the next.

Believe me, I am all for mothers working full time, but 10 hour days are so tremendously long. I'm assuming that you have no choice to do this? Do you have a DP who can help reduce the lengeth of the day? I would suggest trying to use a childminder. I used a nursery with DD1, and I regret it. Such long days in nurseries at that age (perhaps under the age of 2 or 3) seem problematic to me. Of course, there are fantastic nurseries where there aren't the problems I found, and some children are suited to the nursery environment. In my case, however, both nurseries that we tried had problems. (Not huge or obvious problems, but enough to make full time attendance a problem.) Likewise, DD1 just didn't 'fit' in with nurseries. She finds it very hard to wind down. Whereas some children would just curl up and go to sleep when they were tired, she would always fight on and on to the point she was so exhausted that she couldn't wind down.

With DD2 we have found the most wonderful childminder. DD2 basically sees it as a home-from-home, and she clearly loves the childminder. I just feel that it's a more natural and settled way of life for her. (I could go on and on about the benefits of both DD's attending our childminder, and all the wonderful things she does, but I suspect this post is going to be long enough as it is!) Finding a good childminder can be difficult. We initially looked for a childminder when I went back to work after DD1, but none of them were suitable so we used a nursery.

What I've learnt is that
a) you have to accept that your first will be a bit of an 'experiment.' That can include finding the right childcare. I assume you've already sorted out a nursery, but don't be too worried about trying something else if it doesn't work.
b) No matter how much you love your job and your child, being a full time working mother is exhausting. It's unlikely that you'll be able to work in the same way that you did before (and, indeed, you may not want to.) Try to be inventive in the way you spend your time, but realise that there's nothing wrong with struggling like mad at first.
c) We can sometimes be our own worst enemies. Don't feel that you have to always be the one to take time off when your DC is sick. Concentrate on the positive aspects of what you're giving your DC.
d) Children are very resilient. Despite us making some mistakes in our childcare decisions, DD1 is a wonderful, caring, sensitive and sociable little girl. No harm done. I think that so long as you know your DC well, keep your eyes open for problems, and react if any arise, children will generally thrive in a childcare environment.

Oh! And one last point and then I'll stop. (I promise! ) I have no doubt that both DD's get so many positive experiences from being with our childminder. I feel she 'supplements' what I can give my children. I love reading with and making up stories for the DD's. She's very arty (I'm not.) The same can be true in a nursery. In short, I think that childcare - if it's right - can be a beneficial part of childhood.

Sorry, I think I've completely gone off on a tangent, but I really struggled with the guilt when I went back to work . I tended to internalise all those messages that women who put their children into childcare are damaging their DC's and side-stepping their duties as mothers. I now know it's simply not true, but I hate to think of other people struggling in that way.

I think everyone struggles with guilt - it's a natural reaction to having to prioritise. What I think matters, and certainly what kept me sane, was knowing that I had determined the priorities that worked for me and my family and frankly not caring that other people might have done it differently. I got so fed up with my (male) colleagues telling me that their wives had given up work because they felt their children were missing out - that was their decision and that's fine but please don't assume that the same is true for my children - I knew that they were happy, loved and well cared for and it was that knowledge that enabled me to be happy and prosper at work too.

dontrunwithscissors, I really understand what you're saying and all those things are dawning on me now, too. Totally agree that DC1 is always an experiment as you just don't know at all what it will be like before having children, especially as a career minded ambitious young woman. Anybody who said it is difficult for the child or that six months maternity leave is short I thought are sexist bigots, I didn't even know babies can't have cow's milk until 1 so I thought weaning early is no issue. Now that has all changed.

Your DD1 sounds a lot like mine and I am not sure the nursery environment full time is the best for her at this young age. If I had know I might have looked for a nanny but I'm going back to work next week so it is a bit late now, especially as having her adapt to nursery and then a nanny might be even more confusion. What helps me is that I think from age 1 or so nursery should be a nice environment, it is really only a few months where she still needs so much sleep and individual care.

She's been to the nursery three days now to settle in, just for a couple of hours, each time she just cried and screamed non-stop till I came to pick her up, it was heart breaking. I hope it gets better. At least I am very happy with the nursery, it is a very caring loving place, the carers are really really nice and kind and especially the toddlers there seem to be having lots of fun. Babies are different of course, they just want to be in the mummy's arms most of the day, but I think in half a year or so she will be fine.

I talked to DH yesterday and he thinks he might be able to work 4 days a week for the next months while she settles in, and I am thinking of taking Friday afternoon's off every other week or so to pick her up early, so maybe we will be able to increase the amount of time she can spend with us.

It is an experiment and I truly hope it doesn't impact her on the long term. At the moment she is a very calm, happy child, so I will mainly watch out for her mood on the weekends and see if she continues to be a happy baby.

As MrsWobble says, we have to make trade-offs that work for us, and the one I have decided to make is to work more now so I can take more time off later when DD 5 year old or so, when she will actually remember it. I am earning very well now so I think it makes more sense to work more now and take time off later, because if I take time out now I will never ever go back to earning what I am earning now, I know that for sure. At least this is what my brain says, my heart thinks DD1 would prefer us to have less money and hang out with mummy longer :-(.

Arggh, I hate to disagree with you, but I found that DD actually struggled more in nursery past the age of 18 months or so. (She still needed a nap until she was 2.5, and I don't think that's unusual.) I'm not sure why she found it harder - I think perhaps children were more active and she found it even harder to wind down. (Of course, things could be entirely different for you. Children are definitely all individuals....) We took her out of nursery when she was 2, and she went back to a different one when she was 3 and there was a big difference. See how it goes - I don't think you should hesitate to reconsider and I think it's better to have a bit of disruption in the short time and have a situation that everyone's happy with. Don't worry about it (there's no point!) and I really don't think you'll do any harm if, as you've said, you watch out for how she's doing. whatever happens.

Hi another mum who works full-time here and always has. DC are now in secondary school and the routine is easier although I do feel like their personal taxi service most days. I have always worked a minimum of 45 hours per week in senior management in a job that is very difficult to do away from the office so am rarely able to work effectively from home.

Our current routine:
7am Get up and ready for work
7.15-8.00 nag nag and nag some more until they get up out of their beds and start looking for clean uniform, books, homework, lunch etc.
8.00 tell them that I am leaving if they want a lift to school
8.10 after finding the missing shoe and checking that they have actually had breakfast and a drink leave house
8.11 stop at cash machine to raid bank account for lunch, trip or other money they have just told me they need
8.15 drop them at school
8.30-5.30 work
5.30-8.00 taxi service to music lessons and other clubs, housework, food shopping etc.
8.00-9.00 prepare and eat dinner
11.00 Bed

When they were smaller we had a nanny who worked 8-6, by junior school they were being dropped at school by me (rarely) or my sister and collected by a my other sister who provided after-school care. From senior school they have come home on the bus to look after themselves/get on with homework (with my sister just down the road if needed)
My DH either leaves for work by 6.30 and gets back after 6.30pm or is overseas so childcare has always been down to me. Although when he is home he is very good and we share all the chores including cooking.

We also have a great family who live nearby and who help out in holidays etc.

Hi, I'm due to return to work f/t at the beg of June after mat leave. I'm absolutely dreading it, can't imagine organising dd to get out of the house 5 days a week etc etc on top of that housework, working life etc. Tips on here have been useful but how do people cope with the guilt of leaving their child? Also, all other mums in our office are p/t I already feel resentful towards them!! Horrible aren't I, but lots of unhelpful comments about how "nice" it would be for me to return p/t before I went off. It's just not feasible for me financially.

debstar: I think it must be very difficult if you don't want to work full time. I do/did, and still struggled with the guilt. (Perhaps because I thought it was wrong to feel that way.) I never fully dealt with the guilt until I had DD2 as: a) I'm too busy to feel guilty, b) I got the childcare absolutely spot-on so I feel that they actually benefit from me working, c) I realised that they're tough cookies, and children adapt and thrive providing they have love and support, d) I think you just get a lot tougher once you have a second.

Now a question for anyone who might still be lurking:

How tidy is your house?

I feel that I'm constantly fighting the onslaught of laundry and clothes, and live on the verge of it being in an abolsute tip. It's a big house, which doesn't help. We also can't afford a cleaner right now. DH easily does half, but it's still a constant battle.

Lucewheel I am so glad you posted! I also have 4DCs and have just gone back 3 days to start with, but I don't know anyone with 4DCs as young as mine who work! I must be the same as you were 2 years ago for you, as mine are currently 19 months, 3, 4 and 6.

My employer was very very reluctant for me to do 3 days, so I suspect the pressure will be on soon to go full time - however I am just hoping to prolong the 3 days until DS2 (my third, ie the 3 year old) is at school, which is just over a year off! I would be interested to hear more from you, ie how you find it. We also don't have any family around and housework is a complete nightmare. We used to have a cleaner but tbh by the time I've tidied up, cooked, sorted all the laundry, ironing, putting stuff away, doing beds, etc the actual cleaning element seems the smallest of jobs!!!!

Debstar I have just gone back ft (ds is 8m) and it is honestly not as bad as I was expecting. I really wanted to come back pt but it?s not feasible in my job (or financially tbh), I don?t have a job where you can condense the work, things need doing every day and the rest of the team are too busy to pick up any extra.

Anyway, I have found I am enjoying it a lot more than I thought. Yes I am missing DS, but he is thriving at the CMs and I don?t get any tears on drop off (I have had the occasional tear on collection but only when he?s a bit under the weather).

Lucewheel wow, I have to add my kudos!! 4 children and working full time must be tough! Do you have a cleaner or babysitter once in a while?

what I find interesting on here is that it seems most women do the pick ups, doctor visits etc. even when they work full-time just like their husbands? it doesn't seem like the housework and childcare is split easily?

we have a cleaner once a week for 3 hours and the plan is for DH to do all the drop offs (bc I need to leave for work at 6am whereas he can leave at 8.30am) and for us to share the pick-ups, so he will play with DD for 1-2 hours in the mornings and get her ready while I am already at work, and then we split the pick-ups and I will bring her to bed, since I will continue to breastfeed. I think DH needs to learn how to bring her to bed in case.

DD's settling in at the nursery is going much better already, today she took her milk bottles there for the first time and she was quite cheerful when I picked her up today and yesterday and didn't cry when DH dropped her off this morning, so I am quite impressed how well she is doing. I think 6 months is very young after all and they can adapt to anything. Only worry is these days I picked her up around 3 - 4pm and she was really tired already, I basically put her to bed at 5.30pm already, but from next week we only pick her up at 6pm so she must be very tired by then.

today was my first full day without baby since she was born and I must say I loved it, I shopped for work clothes and relaxed and read the newspaper, tomorrow I intend to enjoy my last day of maternity leave and then it is back to work!! it's quite exciting.

Sanam2010: in my case, DH does more of the drop-offs and pick-ups than me. Dr's appointments are roughly 50:50. Housework is 50:50. Days when the kids are sick is roughly 50:50, but that's decided by whoever is most able to take the time off. I'm an academic so DH tends to cover sick days when it's during the semester. I tend to cover them during the University holidays as, although I am working (not on holiday!), I have a lot of flexibility when the students aren't around. However, I tend to do all of the organising stuff: buying birthday presents, arranging birthday parties, remembering to send his Mum a birthday card.

Are you back at work tomorrow? Good luck. It's hard work getting used to it all, but it does get easier over time.

thanks, went back to work on Monday. it's so tough. i wish i had known. i was excited and almost looking forward to it but my daughter has really noticed it, she is crying a lot and waking up many times at night, she is on full hungerstrike at the nursery now. doesn't help that some changes at my work mean my old team is gone and things are getting reshuffled so quite a weird situation there. i really miss my daughter and can't believe how short our time together is. today was a little bit better than monday/tuesday but i am constantly struggling not to cry at work.

i just played the lottery as this is the only thing i have come up with at the mom to escape as fast as possible. hope it gets better. people tell me after 2-4 weeks you get used to it but how can you get used to it? i miss her so much.

I went back FT when DS was 4.5 months, he's 8 months now and i'm still getting back into the swing of things, and above all I'm lonely...

My best friends all work long hours/live miles away or have just had babies.
I miss that network where I can put the world to rights over a bottle of wine especially now when my confidence and work results seem to be at rock bottom, I don't get to compare notes about my DS with my NCT friends so whilst we don't have any major probs with him it does feel like we're on our own.

My DH and I take weeks off to spend time together, catch up on sleep get jobs done etc but when I add up the time I have to myself to send a text let alone relax and chat it's tough.

It's tough, sanam. I just did aboslute minimum work for a while after I got back. Fortunately my work's quite flexible so I did a fair amount on a night. Going back after DD2 was much easier. We're in a good routine and we've had this way of life for so long it now feels normal. I know that, if I were in your shoes, the hardest part of that situation would be that your DC isn't happy at nursery. It can take a while to settle down so maybe you need to give it a bit of time. Part of the reason why I found it easier to go back after DD2 was that both girls were so happy with our childminder. If it doesn't work out with the nursery, I'd really urge you to consider trying to find a good childminder.