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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Thrown off Hinge

139 replies

Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 12:49

I saw a trans woman on my hinge feed with a photo of them holding a "terf tears" cup. I messaged that they should ditch the offensive cup if they want a date. The convo started and I said I wasn't trans exclusionary or radical but didn't think it possible to change sex. I was subjected to the usual aggression and condescension plus links to books about trans journeys. I said I didn't need education on the subject but I sincerely wish you well. This morning I couldn't log in, my account was shut down and was given a link to appeal.
I've emailed to say I've been removed without warning or notification.
They're allowed to kick off whoever they like I assume but is there anything I can do? Surely people on Hinge have varying beliefs...

OP posts:
PrimitivePerson · 09/09/2023 13:59

Yeah, I'm not feeling much sympathy here. This is a dating app, and you've messaged a user for non-dating purposes. I don't know quite what you were hoping to achieve, but the likelihood of the recipient seeing the light and changing their ways was always going to be zero.

This seems like a very weird hill to die on. The mug is a huge giveaway to the sort of person you're dealing with here. It's up to the user base to decide whether to date them or not.

I'm virulently anti-Christian following serious abuse in church. If I saw someone on a dating site with a Jesus Loves You mug, I'd steer well clear and carry on with my atheistic ways.

Pick your battles.

Calistano · 09/09/2023 14:01

PorcelinaV · 09/09/2023 13:57

Oh please, it's not a crime to speak to someone.

Yes they should probably have ignored them, but if you want to attack people over their beliefs on a dating site, is that really the place?

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Are you contradicting yourself? I don't understand.

CallieQ · 09/09/2023 14:01

Calistano · 09/09/2023 13:22

Why confront them? The pool of people willing to date them is self limiting anyway. I think you were in the wrong. People are allowed to believe what they want.

I think you were in the wrong too... if you didn't like the trans woman's photo just scroll past/ignore/hide or whatever, no need to comment. Live and let live

PorcelinaV · 09/09/2023 14:07

Calistano · 09/09/2023 14:01

Are you contradicting yourself? I don't understand.

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I mean you are wildly exaggerating when you say:

"You are bringing a terrible name to gender critical people. I guess tolerance is not your middle name."

They spoke to someone that was being provocative. Probably more sensible to just ignore them, but it's no big deal.

EasternStandard · 09/09/2023 14:10

Better to swerve and report anything that shouldn’t be there

Perfect28 · 09/09/2023 14:16

I think you are wrong to have messaged them and if you believed this image to be offensive you should have reported them instead.

PorcelinaV · 09/09/2023 14:16

EasternStandard · 09/09/2023 14:10

Better to swerve and report anything that shouldn’t be there

Yep, but we may find that they have a double standard when it comes to political messaging.

pickledandpuzzled · 09/09/2023 14:24

greengobbledygook · 09/09/2023 13:55

Believing that people cannot change sex is trans exclusionary.

Not really.

I can believe people can't change sex but think they should be allowed to choose where they belong and how they want to be referred to. Not exclusionary at all.

I can include trans identifying women on women's groups and spaces, but exclude trans identifying men from those spaces.

I could be transphobic and object to trans people dressing in a non conforming way in public, and make spiteful comments.

Believing people can't change sex isn't exclusionary at all. It's just a belief or in this case indeed a fact. It has no value judgement about trans people in and of itself.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 09/09/2023 14:52

They spoke to someone that was being provocative. Probably more sensible to just ignore them, but it's no big deal.

This. It feels like the male trans person was waiting for someone to respond so they could play the victim.

StripeySuperNova · 09/09/2023 14:58

MermaidEyes · 09/09/2023 13:30

There's actually 4 😬

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Yes, and on the 4th one OP was chucked not thrown!

Original poster
Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 15:02

Calistano · 09/09/2023 13:51

Seriously you did not need to engage with that person. You are bringing a terrible name to gender critical people. I guess tolerance is not your middle name.

GC folk couldn't have a worse name. It's my need for conversation that drove me to this madness. Every question you ask a tra on X, they block you, no discussion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 15:04

greengobbledygook · 09/09/2023 13:55

Believing that people cannot change sex is trans exclusionary.

Depends what you exclude them from. I've heard genocide and eradication bandied about. I want discussions not that.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 09/09/2023 15:14

Leave people on dating sites you don't like the look of alone, maybe.

Ascendant15 · 09/09/2023 15:45

Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 13:48

I am facetious, but I was clear I'd like a discussion in my message, I was polite whilst keen for a chat about it. I kind of regret it now but that's not the point. I dipped my toe in and now the reality of cancel culture has hit me. I've used their email facility for "appealing", so I'll see what they say.
Unless you've been hiding under a rock you'll know the issue here is that denying the ideology is punishable, the action of which doesn't adhere to a democratic system.

It's a dating app, not a general election or a discussion forum. You contacted somebody you had no intention of dating with the specific intent of disputation. It's got nothing to do with cancel culture and everything to do with the fact that you were spoiling for a fight. You got one. Hinge won.

TheOccupier · 09/09/2023 15:55

How did a trans-identifying show up in your feed? Who were you looking to date? I was thinking of joining Hinge but this makes me not want to.

PrimitivePerson · 09/09/2023 16:18

Trans people are allowed to use dating apps. You're allowed to not date them.

Is there a problem here?

Abhannmor · 09/09/2023 16:30

Well @Calistano isnt the trans person guilty of the same offence , posing with the insulting message?

How is that relevant to the task in hand on Hinge. Very unprofessional of the site imo.

ValancyRedfern · 09/09/2023 16:31

I think contacting someone to criticise their picture is pretty out of order on a dating app.

Original poster
Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 16:33

TheOccupier · 09/09/2023 15:55

How did a trans-identifying show up in your feed? Who were you looking to date? I was thinking of joining Hinge but this makes me not want to.

I set it up years ago, I probably put that I was open to everything, I can't check now. But regardless of being GC, I really don't feel comfortable excluding people on a dating app. (I'm bi)

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 09/09/2023 16:33

Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 13:25

because I should be able to confront anything I find offensive, i didn't have them chucked off...

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And you can, but you can't control how they or the app respond.

You might have been better off reporting the individual for her sexism, but probably best off swiping left and ignoring

SecretShambles · 09/09/2023 16:34

Jaxhog · 09/09/2023 13:31

Surely the response to a post you don't agree with is to present a counterargument? Not to flounce off and get the poster banned!

Well in the olden days...

Original poster
Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 16:35

PrimitivePerson · 09/09/2023 16:18

Trans people are allowed to use dating apps. You're allowed to not date them.

Is there a problem here?

The problem is nothing to do with what you've listed. I wanted to discuss whether it's fair to be thrown off without explanation from the company

OP posts:
PrimitivePerson · 09/09/2023 16:36

Their site, their rules. I've been thrown off websites before. I'm sure you'll get over it.

Chalk it up to experience.

Pixiedust1234 · 09/09/2023 16:39

You were in the wrong. They were on a dating app looking for dates. If you had no intention of dating them then you should have scrolled past.

If they were on X or FB etc and that was their profile then sure, message them but still expectto be banned, but seriously if you were offended by their terf tears picture then you should have reported them to the platform.

PrimitivePerson · 09/09/2023 16:42

Pixiedust1234 · 09/09/2023 16:39

You were in the wrong. They were on a dating app looking for dates. If you had no intention of dating them then you should have scrolled past.

If they were on X or FB etc and that was their profile then sure, message them but still expectto be banned, but seriously if you were offended by their terf tears picture then you should have reported them to the platform.

Absolutely. It really does feel like the OP was taking the bait and being deliberately provocative, which is very rarely a good idea.

I see people around that I disagree with all the time. Very rarely do I think it's worth confronting them.