Trans identifying people gaslight their parents - a heartbreaking read.

[Soontobe60]

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This broke my heart to read. The impact a child who chooses to declare themselves the opposite sex has on their mother in particular is brutal. I cannot imagine a world where my children would demand that I change my own history to bow to their indoctrination.

I haven't RTFT - I will go back and do so shortly - I just wanted to say that I am currently in this exact situation with DD. A couple of months ago she announced out of nowhere she was trans. In the space of a few weeks our relationship has combusted. She stormed out of the house to live 100s of miles away in a 'polycule' with three other trans people (they supply her hormones) and is taking drugs and doing sex work.

We were so close right up until earlier this year when she met a group of people online and they seemed to completely consume her. Everything was about them. She ended a 3yr relationship and left her job which she loved. She was due to start a master's and buy a car and was saving for a deposit to buy her own flat. All gone. We are barely in contact because I told her I was worried about her and that was me being unsupportive and bigoted. And if I couldn't support her she couldn't speak to me.

I love her so much and I can't eat or sleep and am off sick from work. I am powerless to help her and I miss her so much I feel as if my heart is breaking. She is destroying her health and her life and unless I support her in doing so, she will have nothing to do with me.

Christmas was our favourite time of year. Last year was wonderful, we both said it was our best one ever. This year I can't bear to even think about it. It's her birthday next month and I can't even send her a card. Last year we had a night away together and it was lovely. How can things change so much, so quickly?

I just love her and miss her so much. I want to I give her a cuddle and do the things we used to. I still call her name as if I'm calling her for dinner when nobody else is home. I feel as if I have to because I it's the only way I can keep her name, and the her I knew, alive. I don't ever want her name to feel unused and strange when I say it so I say it to myself all the time. At home, when I'm walking, in the shops, especially places we loved going together.

Anyone else going through this, I send you all my love and strength 💐

Such as an unnecessary amputation of breasts, or testes and penis? There certainly used to be ethical standards once upon a time.

I’m so sorry Lor63 💐

None of us emerge from childhood, and subsequent identity formation ,without challenges, at best, or emotional conflicts and trauma at worst. We all form our identity out of the cauldron of our childhood experiences and relationships.

Children and young people are particuarly susceptible to whatever 'motifs' and trends are circulating in the collective - and in the last twenty years the concept of a 'gender identity' has been borne, pushed and floated - mediated by social media - which simply wasn't around just two decades ago.

There are just children. There is no such thing as a 'trans child' only children who are struggling with themselves and with life's demands and expectations.
Encouraging a child to believe that their difficulties can be resolved by pretending to be something they are not, or by, heaven forbid, blocking their natural bodily processes is simply abusive and a serious failure of responsibility.

Is a flat chest for boys? Is a beard for boys?

Ahhh I see - one-way dictat!

So, let's just suppose the parents say - please don't deny the truth of what happened to you as a child, please be honest about who you are / we are as a family - otherwise I am upset... how do you now weigh up those two different upsets? The reality with most families is compromise or discussion - not the dictatorial command you promote followed by emotional cutting off...

but I suppose it sums up the egotistical self-centered 'me me me' world we are increasingly seeing - and which particularly sums up so much of the trans movement...

I am this
you will accept it
you will change your beliefs
you will suspend truth
women will move over and let men share their protected spaces

etc. etc.

you are making very clear the true nature of being 'trans'
fortunately the vast majority of society rejects one-way dictatorship, deceit, emotional blackmail etc.

I've no idea. It's not a remotely sensible thing to do.

And what you are missing is most trans children are autistic

Its not about changing their name. It's about them saying that the new name was ALWAYS their name and that person with the old name never really existed.

So when your kid "transitions" we get:

"I never was your daughter. I was always your son. Your daughter never existed."

"I was never a little girl, I was always a little boy. That little girl never existed."

That's gaslighting. And it's cruel.

None of the situations you’ve outlined are actually the slightest bit like the child deciding they are reborn as the opposite sex and their entire life leading up to that point was a lie.

It’s more like the child has joined an extremist religion and told you if you don’t accept it and start seeing the world through it’s lens, you are unclean and they must break contact with you.

If the trans child can keep away from more extreme influences and just quietly accept that passing may not happen, being trans doesn’t mean obliterating all that went before, and they have not literally changed sex, they may have a chance of carrying on a fairly stable life.

Unfortunately I’ve now seen 2 situations firsthand where “online friends” drove a wedge between the trans person and family, demanding ever more extreme “proofs” of acceptance until the trans person cut off everyone but the new “friends.” All support backed this up and doubled down on doing what the child wanted, despite them being coached by the online friends. Throughout, the parents were shellshocked and still expected to celebrate the new identity no matter what!

oh dear - your luck has run out then...

because an inaccurate use of a word by a tiny minority of people does not make it broad social usage.

I don't recall anything in the article to suggest that the mother was doing that. What have I missed?

Oh that's a howler. Poor mushroomcat will do himself an injury 😹

I can absolutely understand that the realization that your dc is going to lead a radically different life than you imagined is painful.

Your personal anecdote is relevant to you and you alone, it has no bearing on anyone else.
A daughter trying to change herself into a man, and trying to live the life of a man is a bit more than 'radically different'. It's an impossibility, it's a lie and it's delusional. It requires her to split from those who know she is a woman, in order to keep reality from crashing her fragile delusional state. When a parent knows their child is doing something that will harm them, they should speak out, being a parent requires you to be the adult in the relationship.

more dictatorial prescription... perhaps you could print scripts and sell them online to allow parents to know what they are allowed to say...

e.g. "Do you/they/xi remember when you and your sister/now brother/sibling/known other used to play with the dolls house/wooden structure in the corner/capitalist symbol of oppression against all real personages/ you and she/they/it/i/ use to have a lot of fun. you use to play with your dollies/symbols of captivity/outcomes of subjugation talking about when one day you would be mummies/parents/significant others/procreators/adults and how many children/victims of oppression/victims of life you might have?"

there is a slight difference between

• choosing where to live
• choosing how to parent

• someone who lives a life of total deceit pretending to be something they are not, forcing us to accept it and then using emotional blackmail to cut off those who are closest if they don't play the game... and then going on to self-harm with hormones and body mutilation...

yup - not at all similar

@Lor63 Cannot let your post get lost. I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It is probably happening to many many people, not that it makes it easier. We are living in quite mad times. No amount of debate will make this any easier for you. Hopefully, when the madness passes your daughter will come back to you and by the sounds of it you will welcome her without question.

Some of the obtuse posters on these threads are clearly not mothers. The visceral feeling of love we have for our children really surfaces when faced by the cuckoo in the nest that is trans ideology. Please keep us updated and remember that the whole world is currently consumed and divided by the lie that is trans. The girls being made to think they are girls is very different to the selfish fetishising men. 💐

What you don't know is how hard this mother tried to understand how her daughter was thinking. The essays she wrote are very clearly the product of much thought. One natural response to the announcement of a trans identity is to research every opinion you can find on the subject – often after lovingly asking one's child what has led them to this place.

That's what I did. Previously, I had been of the "just be kind" persuasion, but my interactions with trans people, and then my son making his bombshell announcement, resulted in me reading everything I could lay my hands on. Reading books by trans people showed me an ideology built on, at best, foundations of sand. Some of the claims in the books were clearly scientifically illiterate. So my research into gender identity ideology persuaded me that this is not a reasonable pathway. I'm still open to someone coming up with a coherent explanation as to why this is a good model for understanding and living, but I'd die if I held my breath.

Also, the argument isn't even valid.

"Slut" is in the dictionary. Does that make it a meaningful way to categorise a woman, or is still just a sexist word that is used to impose someone else's values on the person to whom it is being applied?

It’s different because they’re compelling you to take part in their pretence and deny the evidence of your own eyes, ears and brain.

So to make one of your examples more accurate, it would have to be as below:

My mil was devastated we didn't want to live on the same estate as her
I have to tell everyone that my address is 5 Acacia Avenue and pretend I live on the same estate as my MIL because she makes me and will cut me and DH and the GDC off if we don’t comply.

Exactly! Destroys our own integrity to go along with this, especially with our own children.

I have come back to this thread after several hours and I am impressed as always by the eloquence and empathy of the gc posters here. Thank you.

And?

Very obviously, living on a different estate or parenting differently are not the same thing as a lifetime of medicalising a health body.

Please may I put the other side of this, by taking your words but rewriting from a different perspective?

The situation you have is that the child is currently not speaking to her mother due to her emotional unwillingness for her mother to have her own perspective. If the daughter wants some hope of repairing that relationship, she will need to get over her own feelings and put them to one side. If she doesn't want to repair the relationship, then fine, she can cut herself off from the mother who has lived her and advocated for her throughout her life, even if imperfectly

Except that large parts of society have decided that the trans identifying person is always the most important and most vulnerable and therefore has a right to demand that their mother revolve around them, and to suppress their own integrity and feelings. Real life is rarely as one-sided as that. And we reasonably demand that everyone has to see ourselves as we see ourselves. We all relate to people as we see them, not as they see themselves. This can, of course, be healthy or unhealthy. An attempt to relate to someone as they see themselves, but not in line with our knowledge of their physical reality, is unlikely to be healthy.