DD fed up of trans friend drama

[MTKWhite]

Sharing mine and DDs experience of navigating this situation for anyone else going through it.

DD is 13 and in year 8. She has a group of friends, one of which "Frank" has come out as FtM trans.

This child has changed their name to "Frank" and uses he / him pronouns.

Frank is fully transitioned at school regarding name and pronouns. I'm not sure what happens about changing rooms. I was alarmed to hear that apparently Frank had transitioned at school without Frank's dad's knowledge. I thought the school had to inform parents?? The school is in Surrey. Can DM the school name.

Frank hasn't had the easiest time as Frank's parents are divorced and I gather that relationships with the mum are very difficult. Frank only recently "came out" to dad, a long time after being out at school. Frank is also autistic.

Now how this applies to my DD - Frank has become very angry at anyone who misgenders Frank. This is usually students or teachers who simply weren't aware Frank had transitioned or what the preferred pronouns were.

Frank goes off on rants calling these folks "transphobic" and dominates all conversation on this topic.

My DD is a very sensible chilled out girl who really can't be bothered with drama.

She and some other friends have distanced themselves from Frank because it just isn't enjoyable being friends with Frank any more.

I'm proud of DD for prioritising healthy friendships. Interested to hear others experiences

My DD had an old primary friend who did similar. Was very odd as the girl who declared it in yr8 had shown zero evidence at any point of identifying as more boy than girl. Then Y8 they declared they were a boy and wanted the others to tell everyone for her and all sorts. Different school but also that school didn’t tell parents. Loads of fall outs.
The girl was also ND and troubled family life. A lot of the others floated away as too much drama and they weren’t convinced.
No idea how it panned out.
DC do know a trans child (boy to girl) but that child was openly talking about it consistently from age 7 and everyone who didn’t know him would have assumed born a girl. Very different experience

It’s a shame that the school hasn’t invested time in helping Frank to sort out her feelings about her parents’ divorce. I’ve very little doubt that they just opted for immediate ‘acceptance’ of her ‘transition’ with no thought towards helping her to access counselling.

I also thought that schools have been told to keep parents informed. The Dad’s not been well served by the school’s LT either.

My daughter's friend transitioned and they stayed good friends. No drama.
Just a friend whose name/presentation changed (they had testosterone and top surgery. They do "pass" but my daughter would have been friends regardless. There was no vocalising, transphobia comments, politics, ideology or stress involved. They got on with it, as did staff).

Frank sounds like a pain in the arse, I would tell your DD if a person is not enjoyable to be around, and you dread being in their company….you simply don’t have to be.

Not in Surrey but we had mandatory keeping children safe in education training that this september said there was a change to policy and you no staff member could socially transition kids in school without parental consent and decisions - there was a weird caveat that in extreme cases it might happen but only if it was evidently unsafe/ other safeguarding issues with them family and only decided by senior staff.

These were new policy guidelines coming into effect i think the day after our training that the school had to be compliant with.

Only this September! That might explain why Frank's dad was kept in the dark for so long

Agree.
I think for a lot of these trans teens it's a phase, like being a goth can be for example. Important to accept them, but big need for counseling before any kind of permanent treatment, meds, surgery.

Totally agree. I don't know of Frank being well supported with councilling either by school or parents

I also have been wondering what internet access Frank has, to pick up all these tropes about misgendering and transphobia. Wouldn't surprise me if Frank is accessing content not suitable for Frank's age (12).

Schools are instructed to be cautious about requests for children to socially transition & that parents must be involved. Page 66 onwards from the KCSIE statutory guidance linked below:

"Parents and carers have the leading role in the lives of their children, and this area should be no exception. Therefore, where a child who is questioning their gender asks for support from a school or college, schools and colleges should engage parents/carers as a matter of priority".

It's a good idea for all parents to read this - page 66 onwards re children who are questioning their gender. There should be no more schools transitioning children in secret from parents and primary schools are especially warned about the dangers to young children.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6aba40e0fceb6fb3a650127d/Keepingchildrensafeineducation2026.pdf

I wonder if the stress goes down if separated into two issues.

Is school adequately protecting Frank (by following guidance rather than any staff political passions) and supporting without locking Frank into any pathway, as an obviously vulnerable child? Yes, I'd be concerned if I felt a child was being failed because there is safeguarding involved there, not to mention other children shouldn't be pressured into following any political narrative on either side or playing along with another child's illusion because it's 'kind' or the right thing to do in some way. It's not.

And

It's part of growing up to realise if you make yourself hard work and create drama without self awareness/containment, it may gain attention and support in some directions, but equally peers walking away in other directions. Lifetime experience for all humans there. Not something you can do anything about, beyond continue to teach your own child healthy boundaries, to move confidently away from unhealthy social experiences regardless of the factors involved (gender doesn't create a special exemption here), and that co dependence isn't a good thing for anyone even if some adults will try to push this as 'being kind', usually because they have boundary issues and need meeting issues of their own. That isn't specific to Frank or Frank's situation but is plain good parenting.

Controlling others (ceorcive control) is a major feature of transactivism and a dangerous lesson for children and young people to learn. They're not building healthy, respectful relationships and the long term result will often be their social isoloation as their peers start to recognise the unhealthy dynamics and remove themselves from their company (as your DD has done).

That's why some adults have failed so dismally by enabling these unhealthy attitudes to peers rather than fostering and modelling healthy, mutually respectful relationships

Autistic behaviour of the need to be dramatic?.
Why do yoi need to dm people of the schools name though.
Let people be.

Agree with this

I really feel for Frank as she obviously needs some therapeutic intervention. She is autistic; her parents got divorced and she has a difficult relationship with her mother. On top of which she is going through puberty. Those four factors should make any sensible parent, teacher or other responsible adult see that this girl is distressed and needs mental health help. The answers to her distress cannot be found in ‘gender transition’ or expecting others to go along with it.

Whilst I feel deep sympathy for Frank, her peers should not feel they have to spend time with her and support her in everything, because it can be pretty stressful spending time with a person who is quite significantly mentally ill, especially one who compels your speech and your thinking. People like Frank can be obsessional and self-absorbed, so they’d feel ‘unsafe’ if they thought anyone in their friendship group didn’t truly really believe that Frank is a boy. It’s not always enough to just use the pronouns and say that Frank is a boy. What happens if the girls want to talk about periods and it’s triggering for Frank? Girls like Frank can become very manipulative and authoritarian. Not necessarily their fault as it might be part of their mental illness or neurodivergence, but still not a person that anyone should feel they have to spend time with, especially when they are also a teenager going through puberty, no doubt with worries and difficulties of their own.

Schools can only do so much. Whilst some schools have counsellor services provided within the setting, others do not and refer on to CAMHS. And if the child is still going home to the same environment that may be behind the root cause, then that is out of schools hands.

OP hasn’t said what therapeutic support the child has had or continues to have and I’d be surprised if they knew the details unless the child or parent has chosen to share them.

I don't know those details so can't comment but agree with your points

This young person is in need of help, both with regard to their neuro-diversity and their gender confusion. I wonder who is on top of this.

It is such a shame that the whole issue has become a rights campaign and that those affected feel the need to be accusatory and unpleasant if someone makes a mistake in addressing them. It hampers normal human interaction.

I can understand that your DD wants to keep away and avoid the drama. Self protection is important. She needs to be able to go to school without feeling harassed by this person's strident responses. But of course it is very hard for the child involved as they need good social contacts more than ever.

I have a close young relative (also autistic) who is on the FtoM path but the difference is that they do not expect everyone to understand nor to always remember their preferred name/pronoun etc. They recognize that people will not always get it "right" and that good loving relationships are more important than blame. Just as well as I get it wrong all the time!! - but the overarching fact is that they know I love them.

Sadly people will stop loving/liking this troubled young pupil and this will compound their problems.

That's an important point. And why schools should not be involved in promoting gender identity to children - the impact on the vulnerable could be catastrophic. And yes I know so much of this is online but it's only since September 2026 that schools have been advised to be cautious and not actively promote it. Until now, the DfE, unions and even shamefully, professional organisations like Education Psychologists have been funding and promoting trans ideology at children and schools.

Now the new guidance on SRE teaching tells schools they must not teach children that everyone has a gender identity and that it's a contested belief.

Another link that's useful for parents if they find schools inviting trans lobby groups into schools to promote GI to children

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/relationships-education-relationships-and-sex-education-rse-and-health-education

Frank needs a teacher to point out that shouting at your friends and accusing them of mean things (transphobia etc) alongside dominating all conversations and generally being a "me me me" will drive them away. As it has.

It is not so much to do with their transition - which i would worry about - but generally not being the kind of person who will attract friendship, sympathy and empathy.

This child clearly needs help.

Your daughter is quite right. This nonsense does not belong in schools

V good point.

Always striking in many articles written by FtM detransitioners how many of them describe, often very articulately, the driving need for control, and of sorting people into those who have agreed to be managed and those resisting.

But then in my time in secondary school the same behaviour (and probably the same demographic) were doing this mostly through anorexia as the means of the time. Vulnerable kids with unmet needs, making cries for things that feel like they meet needs and make sense of the whole situation. Which needs help from adults that does not make things worse or lock in any narratives, just gives space and time, and also doesn't require unhealthy/enabling behaviours from anyone else.

Can be helpful to rewatch Inside Out and look at the role of Disgust, who manages social harm risks as well as physical ones.

OP

I had a child (maybe a year older at the time) who went through something similar with their group of friends. Only, within 18 months, out of the 7 of them, 5 had declared transgender identities.

I witnessed quite a few conversations where the group would express anger at any one, even the friends in the group, who misgendered them. After about 2 years of this, my own child decided there was so much constant focus on the individuals in the group's poor mental health, that my own teen decided to spend much less time with the group. My teen's mental health suffered during that time and partly because of the constant outrage at perceived phobia and hatred.

It can be very hard for children to navigate the situation that you find your daughter in.

I remember that about Y8 or Y9 was the first time that my peers and I became interested in 'issues', back in the late eighties. One girl brought in a load of leaflets (perhaps she had visited a PETA stand or similar?) about cosmetics testing on animals and the treatment of animals in the food industry. She would share petitions and there was a bit of social pressure to sign up and be seen to support the cause. I think a couple of girls went vegetarian. These were good causes by the way, but I am not sure that all the material was appropriate for 12-13 year old children!

The same girl had also been to 'The Body Shop' and brought back news about both their campaigns and their fruity products, so there was a lot of interest in that too!

To come to my point, I believe that there has been little change in the juvenile desire for attention, the desire to be seen as avant-garde in beliefs and the perceived necessity of having others unquestioningly adopt the same belief system. Unfortunately this particular set of beliefs has far more serious implications than signing a petition or annoying your mum by deciding to go vegetarian just before a family meal...

The need to control language and perception is key to some of the children's identities in my teen's friend group.

This is why any person who declares that there is no harm being done by children declaring that they are transgender is ignoring the harm that is immediately apparent in controlling other's language and behaviour. It is an immediate contradiction to declare there is no harm, while then demanding that people used demanded language.

But there has been a group who has fully believed that this group of people should have every right to expect others to support their personal choices around their philosophical belief about their identity. This sense of self righteousness and ownership of other's beliefs and language is considered progressive for now.