DD fed up of trans friend drama

[MTKWhite]

Sharing mine and DDs experience of navigating this situation for anyone else going through it.

DD is 13 and in year 8. She has a group of friends, one of which "Frank" has come out as FtM trans.

This child has changed their name to "Frank" and uses he / him pronouns.

Frank is fully transitioned at school regarding name and pronouns. I'm not sure what happens about changing rooms. I was alarmed to hear that apparently Frank had transitioned at school without Frank's dad's knowledge. I thought the school had to inform parents?? The school is in Surrey. Can DM the school name.

Frank hasn't had the easiest time as Frank's parents are divorced and I gather that relationships with the mum are very difficult. Frank only recently "came out" to dad, a long time after being out at school. Frank is also autistic.

Now how this applies to my DD - Frank has become very angry at anyone who misgenders Frank. This is usually students or teachers who simply weren't aware Frank had transitioned or what the preferred pronouns were.

Frank goes off on rants calling these folks "transphobic" and dominates all conversation on this topic.

My DD is a very sensible chilled out girl who really can't be bothered with drama.

She and some other friends have distanced themselves from Frank because it just isn't enjoyable being friends with Frank any more.

I'm proud of DD for prioritising healthy friendships. Interested to hear others experiences

This is where I think formal debating can be quite useful. Because you get to see that a whole alternative set of beliefs can be held and equally perceived as 'true'. And that disagreement is not necessarily the same as attack.

No drama? I think removing perfectly healthy body parts is pretty dramatic, as is taking medication that will cause long term and irreversible health issues, eg osteoporosis, vaginal atrophy, potential heart issues. Both actions pretty disturbing and a tad dramatic imo to fix an issue which is, statistically, more than likely to be linked to anxiety, autism and confusion about sexuality rather than issues about ‘gender’.

Horrifying implication that the staff ( school staff?) stood by and watched this unfold.

Did your daughter use male pronouns for her friend? In which case, there was 'drama' in that your daughter changed not just language for that moment or for future, but also then retconned her own historical recollections to fit her friend's identity.

I don't consider that to be 'no drama'. Your daughter may have done it willingly, but it was not a small thing to do.

yes, i think there needs to be a lot more help from teachers and leadership in youth groups for young people - in how they interact with each other and learn to navigate a whole variety of social situations.

Of course, this needs to be done at home too, but we do need that village more than ever right now.

It sounds like fairly typical teen drama that just happens to be trans related rather that particularly because they are trans. If your daughter is fed up of it she needs to just take a step back.

Frank needs to understand that being transgender does not give you the right to be a rude obnoxious twunt. Your daughter has every right to tell Frank she doesn't want to be friends until all the drama and rudness stops.

Agreed, but they also shouldn’t be compounding the problem by agreeing with this distressed girl’s self diagnosis that she is ‘really a boy’ and encouraging her to make unreasonable demands on her friends (for pronouns, compelled belief etc), with a strong risk of alienation and further distress.

They should be following proper safeguarding procedures and speak to the parents.

Is this your first child? Because by about eight most parents have stopped being so over-involved in their child's friendship dramas. Just leave them to it.

You're not a parent are you mate?

Just a tip - reading the OP is always a good idea if you don't want to end up looking foolish

Do you mean a wholly unnecessary mastectomy when you say ‘top surgery’?

I can imagine any school siding with a child whose behaviour was oppressive and demanding of other pupils, by formalising their right to behave badly!

Its one thing having friendship groups where the dynamics often are shifting.

It is quite another thing to have the so called adults and ruling group, the teachers, "normalising" bad behaviour.

I think by now most of us know those who are on FWR and are not gender critical.

So there really isn't any need to respond to them, as it is all just a wind up, in the hope that yet another thread on FWR will be another GroundHog Day.

Not only does it encourage them to come back over and over again, but it means that what used to be FWR strength, providing supportive and informative responses to those asking for help and advice, no longer, is starting to ebb away.

Sorry - typo

I can imagine any school siding with a child whose behaviour was oppressive and demanding of other pupils, by formalising their right to behave badly!

I cant imagine any school siding with a child whose behaviour was oppressive and demanding of other pupils, by formalising their right to behave badly!

Distancing yourself from this is really always the best solution. At the very least it’s monopolising attention.

Am I not? Someone might want to come and get the two that insist on calling me mum then.

There is no reason to think school are encouraging Frank to make unreasonable demands on their friends. Frank sounds like they are doing that all by themselves. School will be privy to the issues Frank is facing regarding home life and doing as much as they can to support. But school is not a replacement for counselling or other therapeutic support because teaching staff are just that. They are not trained to provide therapy and will refer on if safeguarding is an issue. Other professional bodies will decide from there. However, I imagine a child wanting to be called by their preferred gender pronouns will be very far down on the list.
The dad not being told will have been a judgement call by the school if they felt it would harm the child (emotionally) if dad was told, and I would hope that again would’ve been referred onto professional services.

With respect (and hoping you're not a teacher) the government have now told schools that parents must be involved - it's not a school's role to decide whether a child might be "emotionally harmed". That's a safeguarding decision which teachers are not qualified to make in isolation. Repeating my post upthread with the new KCSIE guidelines

Schools are instructed to be cautious about requests for children to socially transition & that parents must be involved. Page 66 onwards from the KCSIE statutory guidance linked below:
"Parents and carers have the leading role in the lives of their children, and this area should be no exception. Therefore, where a child who is questioning their gender asks for support from a school or college, schools and colleges should engage parents/carers as a matter of priority".
It's a good idea for all parents to read this - page 66 onwards re children who are questioning their gender. There should be no more schools transitioning children in secret from parents and primary schools are especially warned about the dangers to young children.
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6aba40e0fceb6fb3a650127d/Keepingchildren^safeineducation^2026.pdf

In our example school hadn’t told parents. The girl told everyone her dad would kill get if he found out (not literally)

Yes - many teachers are familiar with children asking them not to tell parents about things they've done wrong or sensitive information. It's why schools have confidentiality, safeguarding and other guielines. Making these decisions are always a challenge but the fact remains - if you don't share information with parents they'll be unable to safeguard their children.

Only the courts can remove parental rights / responsibilities as the new KCSIE gudance clarifies.

Why on earth would you be offering to DM people the name of this troubled kids school - what on earth is wrong with you? Tell your DD to stay away if she no longer likes or wishes to be around Frank.

Why not call it what it is - a medically unnecessary double mastectomy on healthy breasts.

If it's all so cool and groovy, no need for coy euphemisms.

You needed to read on further
"However, in the rare circumstances where involving parents or carers
would constitute a greater risk to the child than not involving them, the school or
college should involve their designated safeguarding lead to determine what
action is needed to safeguard the child, before the parents or carers are contacted or any decisions are taken."

Edited to add: We do not know what action was taken regarding Frank, or even when this happened (possibly before KCSIE 2026 was released).

This young girl is hitting puberty with a whole heap of difficulties that children shouldn't have to deal with, and unfortunately is latching onto something which we know is incredibly unhealthy but which she feels gives her the sense of belonging she lacks elsewhere. Your daughter is too young to take this drama on - encourage her to take a step back. She doesn't need this in her life.

Yes - I've read it in detail and understand it as an experienced DSL and safeguarding practitioner.

You said "The dad not being told will have been a judgement call by the school if they felt it would harm the child (emotionally) if dad was told," I was pointing out that this is not a judgment that the school can take in isolation. Involving the DSL is critical as they are focussed on safeguarding the child and not the demands of political activists. They are also trained in working with parents - including abusive parents. Parents are always involved in the safeguarding proces (unless there's a criminal element where they may be excluded). That's why I pointed out that only the courts can remove parental rights - not random adults in schools.

Transactivists lobbied very hard to keep parents in ignorance of children socially transitioning in schools and it was a relief to see this dismissed when the final version of KCSIE was published.

Thanks for all of your thoughts on this thread